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Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

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  • Birdie85
    Birdie85 Posts: 9,330 Forumite
    Oh Miss Indie, I actually feel really sorry for the girls. :( The poor things have simply been left to their own devices too much to know how to act in a decent manner, and even to play like real kids. Are they overweight? Maybe next time he tells you they're coming to visit you should say you'll take *just* the girls, after a while with you I'd put money on their little 'quirks' like demanding certain beds, acting up like brats for attention, not washing properly every day (ewwww _pale_) will be long gone! :)

    I'm glad you're getting a break from them now, sorry it's been hard work though.

    I really can't understand why they'd fly so far to just sit around in your house all day? The girls probably just *think* they don't want to go to the theme parks or the beach etc because they never do that kind of thing.

    Well done for standing up to the Dad, he does seem to be very thick skinned! Make sure you keep reminding them that they definitely can NOT come for Christmas! Can just imagine you getting a phone call on the beach from them saying 'We're outside the house, where are you?!' :p
    Overcome the notion that you must be ordinary. It robs you of the chance to be extraordinary!
    Goal Weight 140lb Starting Weight: 160lb Current Weight 145lb
  • Any wrote: »
    They seem incredibly thick not to get the message they are not invited when you say you are abroad - surely one would get the message??
    Either that you are away, or that you are lying, either way, it is a "no".
    "Yeah right"?? What sort of answer is that?

    I think he doesn't get sarcasm and because of how he is, he can't see past his own plans. He doesn't consider anyone elses lives, just his own. He doesn't seem to care that I'm stuck in my house and that just as his kids are exhausting him and my cousin, they are also exhausting me. There appears to be no inkling as to how much they have inconvenienced me and how my life has had to stop to accomodate them.

    So...why would I have plans? All I do is sit around for them to visit right?
  • I've said it before but the way they behave is nothing to do with my culture.

    miss_i, I'm sorry if my earlier post came across that way, I certainly didn't mean that your culture was in any way responsible for their behaviour.

    My reference to cultural conflicts was about your difficulties with saying no (which, between my post and now, I know you are finding somewhat less difficult :)). I was basing it on your earlier posts -

    If I explained there are cultural issues at play too, does that help? Not to the extent of giving a list of what they want but part of our culture is hospitality, making guests welcome, family is everything and to charge/expect payment and also to deny having guests to stay is seen as really rude.

    and

    I only brought the culture thing into it to cast a light on why I feel I have to buy the food etc and to basically let people know, its seen as quite shameful to turn a guest away and expect them to pay for food. I'm mixed race and to be honest part of me "gets" it and part of me doesn't.

    I was trying (though obviously badly :o) to comment on your apparent sense of obligation, despite the hell they were putting you through.

    Your later posts sound like you're finding your voice. I hope it's making it easier for you.

    MuAx
  • Birdie85 wrote: »
    Oh Miss Indie, I actually feel really sorry for the girls. :( The poor things have simply been left to their own devices too much to know how to act in a decent manner, and even to play like real kids. Are they overweight? Maybe next time he tells you they're coming to visit you should say you'll take *just* the girls, after a while with you I'd put money on their little 'quirks' like demanding certain beds, acting up like brats for attention, not washing properly every day (ewwww _pale_) will be long gone! :)

    I'm glad you're getting a break from them now, sorry it's been hard work though.

    I really can't understand why they'd fly so far to just sit around in your house all day? The girls probably just *think* they don't want to go to the theme parks or the beach etc because they never do that kind of thing.

    Well done for standing up to the Dad, he does seem to be very thick skinned! Make sure you keep reminding them that they definitely can NOT come for Christmas! Can just imagine you getting a phone call on the beach from them saying 'We're outside the house, where are you?!' :p

    Yes this is exactly the case. They use TV and internet as babysitters while Mum either spends all day in bed or going to tanning/beauty salons and Dad slobs around too. When you suggest anything to the kids, they don't want to do it because they have no frame of reference. I only managed to get youngest out because other three went to the supermarker for more "snacks" and I said that I was running an errand and she would have to come with me. I taught her how to make daisy chains and she really liked that but she wouldn't have come had I asked. She has a full on 2 year old type tantrum if you ask her to move from WoW. At meal times she is anxious to get back on the laptop. She gets bullied for being fat and she is obese, her sister eats more but isn't as big, though still much bigger than your average 12 year old. Their diet is horrendous. Those children's cholesterol must be through the roof.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I think he doesn't get sarcasm and because of how he is, he can't see past his own plans. He doesn't consider anyone elses lives, just his own. He doesn't seem to care that I'm stuck in my house and that just as his kids are exhausting him and my cousin, they are also exhausting me. There appears to be no inkling as to how much they have inconvenienced me and how my life has had to stop to accomodate them.
    We sort of bonded. But I still don't like him.

    When he said, "Well we'll be back again at Christmas and thought if we brought a couple of the girl's friend's they might be better behaved."

    I do hope that because you have found some common ground with him, you don't start to think that their behaviour isn't so bad. It's still way off the scale for rudeness.

    Who on earth tells someone that not only are they coming to stay again but are bringing more people with them?

    And, of course, where would poor Miss "Princess and the Pea" sleep if there were two more children in the house?
  • madget_2
    madget_2 Posts: 668 Forumite
    Sorry, should add....he really wasn't that scary once I saw the fact that his kids could laugh in his face while he was shouting and threatening violence.

    They have zero respect for him so why should I?

    This time round, I've made it clear when I've not been happy to the kids. Not shouting or over dramatic, just - "I don't like that behaviour." and, "I'm really quite disappointed at how you just chose to behave." then I walk off or get on with something. They disappear for 10 minutes then come looking for me. Youngest child is very unaffectionate and the other day after she was very rude towards me, I told her, "I think you've just been very hurtful to me and I didn't deserve that. I'm very disappointed.", then went to fix the TV. 2 minutes later, I felt a pair of arms around me and I turned around and there she was. It wasn't even manipulative. I said, "What's this for?" and she said, "Just felt like it." and I said, "Well, thank you, that was a very nice hug."

    It was actually very sad. I took her to the park the other day, it's got a pirate ship, a zipline, trampolines, bouncy castles everything. She just stood there. I said, "it's ok, you can play on absolutely anything. All we need is to be back for tea so you can play for 40 mins." She looked at me and said, "I don't know how."

    All she does is spend all day in bed on her laptop on WoW. Yes, not even 9 yet and has a Wow account. Parents say its the only thing that keeps her quiet.

    This had me in tears. They could actually be really great kids if their parents behaved more responsibly and took more interest int them. It seems to me as though both girls have learnt at least a little from you during this stay. Crazy as it sounds, I think that myabe they actually do enjoy spending time with you! Certainly more than with their own parents.

    Having said that, I wouldn't suggest you putting yourself through this hell again! And I am so proud and delighted with the way that you've stood up for yourself. You're acting much more like your username now. :)

    Now that you've begun to stand up to them, I truly believe that they will respect you more. This is what has happened to me in the past when I've done to same with bullies and people who intimidate others. It gives them a hell of a shock and makes them realise that they can't just walk all over you.

    Fantastically well done! :T
  • angel00079
    angel00079 Posts: 639 Forumite
    I must admit that I have only skim read this thread. I found it while looking for something else. You have the patience of a saint

    I admire your views on guests. It shows that you were raised well which is more than can be said for these kids. I know they are behaving like brats but I feel sorry for them. I wonder how they are going to get on when they are older.

    There were a few things but the food and bed incidents shocked me. I couldn't imagine behaving like that to my mother as a child. As a child I might have asked lots of questions. If I asked something that wasn't appropriate I was guided away by my mother from the topic and we might have a discussion later. Any elder was always auntie or uncle so and so.

    I think that you need to make it clear that they are not welcome to stay at Christmas. They might book flights and then ask for keys etc. It sounds like subtle does not work.

    If I was your dad I would be concerned what state the motorhome will come back in.

    I wonder what would happen if you said I have booked flights to visit you at half term.

    This is your home, guests or not they should be fitting in, not the other way round.
  • adouglasmhor
    adouglasmhor Posts: 15,554 Forumite
    Photogenic
    I think he doesn't get sarcasm and because of how he is, he can't see past his own plans. He doesn't consider anyone elses lives, just his own. He doesn't seem to care that I'm stuck in my house and that just as his kids are exhausting him and my cousin, they are also exhausting me. There appears to be no inkling as to how much they have inconvenienced me and how my life has had to stop to accomodate them.

    So...why would I have plans? All I do is sit around for them to visit right?

    A lot of Americans don't have the same sarcasm and irony meter as most Brits, dad sounds like a grown up version of his brats, they will end up just like him one day.
    The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head. Terry Pratchett


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  • System
    System Posts: 178,349 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    When eldest was picking the wall paper off and on the third time I asked her to stop and used my firm "teacher" voice - he gave me this look that said, "You. Me. Outside Now!" :eek:

    Yes and that would have been the last time that family walked into my house.

    My house, my rules and if they didn't like it then they don't have to stay here.
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,433 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 13 August 2013 at 6:03PM
    Most Americans are not as rude as that idiot man, either. I think he's a one off!

    When we stay wit DS and DIL we take turns to pay for our meals out, while we tend to do the shopping as they are at work. DIL is always trying to pay us, although we don't take it.

    Stick to your guns over Christmas. No need for any reasons, other than its not convenient.

    What a good job your mum has seen what they are like! They are rearing a pair of monsters! :mad:
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
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