Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

miss_independent

At the weekend I have my cousin and her husband and their two daughters, 12 and 7, coming to stay for 10 days. To be honest I am dreading it and would have said no except I know they are hard up and wouldn't get a holiday otherwise, so when they asked if they could come I said yes.

Please could fellow MSEr's give advice as to how to politely help them to know some boundaries? They've never stayed with me overnight but have visited for tea before and we went to Florida as a family 18 months ago and stayed in a Villa together.

The main issues are the kids. They seem to think its totally ok to get up and wander through my house after they've been in for five minutes. The oldest girl especially. She goes through my kitchen cupboards and then comes back and says, "Can I have some of that microwave popcorn in your cupboard?" or she'll say, "Who is that cake for? Can I have it?" and then she will keep going back and helping herself to the cake throughout the day, until there is none left. She even went through my Emergency PMS Nearly a Fiver a Tub Haagen Daaz which I had hidden in the veg drawer in my freezer! I wouldn't mind but its a case of me always spending a fortune on goodies when they come and then she eats those and also wants anything else she sees, its like a game.

She will also go through my drawers until she finds pens and paper, without asking, when I would have provided her with stuff had she asked (I have a "kiddie box" with games, crayons, paper, craft stuff etc). And she ends up doodling on my high quality paper that I use for CV's and using my fountain pen as a felt tip, then saying, "Can I keep the pen?"

Her Dad is really volatile so I'm wary of saying anything in front of him as he will just blow like that and both kids have been allowed to do what they want and rule the roost (i.e no set bed time, watch tv/play video games till they feel like it, if they don't want dinner they can eat chocoate and crisps instead etc). I love kids (I am actually a teacher which makes all of this even more ridiculous) but these two are very spoiled and I feel like they "look down on me". I.e oldest will walk in my house and say, "See you haven't redecorated since last time then!"

I've always managed to keep them downstairs as I don't want them going in bedrooms. I hear them on the stairs and just say, "Girls, please would you mind staying downstairs?". Then I get sulking and oldest one says, "I think its really weird I've never been in your room." Under no circumstances do I want them in my bedroom. Is there a polite way I can say this? They will ask why and I can't be honest. I caught the oldest one peeling off my wallpaper once in front of her parents, who said nothing and turned a blind eye. She was 10 at the time so not little and I had to ask her three times to stop. She thinks nothing of going through my stuff, picking my phone up, going through my texts etc. She is very destructive, i.e she picks gems off my phone, and likes to try and bend stuff backwards until it breaks.

When I stayed in the villa in Florida with them, every time I came out the shower I'd find her in my room going through my stuff. Taking jewellery out, borrowing my hair brush without asking. At dinner she said, "Do you have a moustache" :eek: and I said "No?!" and she said, "well what do you have a razor in your case for then?". She also thought nothing of walking in on me naked. Not her naked, me! And when I said, please knock first she acted like I was being rude and cried at Blizzard Beach when I got changed after swimming in the toilet instead of in the cubicle with her. Again, she was 10 at this point. By the end of the holiday, I was sick of coming out the shower and finding her sat on my bed. I'd come out the toilet and she would be standing outside the door. I'd go to bed and see her standing in my doorway, looking at me. I'll admit, I am really intimidated by her and her Dad.

Before anyone asks, she doesn't have any special needs. She is popular at school, though apparently a bit of a bully and she is intelligent.

When they come, there is no need for them to go upstairs at all. Their bedrooms are downstairs and so is the guest bathroom. Is there a polite way to say please don't go upstairs and please don't go through my cupboards, drawers, freezer etc? I don't want them to feel uncomfortable in my house but I also don't want them going through all my things either.

thorsoak

If you find them so dreadful, why have you invited them/agreed to them staying in your house?

Tropez

I wouldn't really be that bothered with being polite. I'd explain to your cousin before she arrives what the rules are and if anyone blows up about it then I'd be revoking the invitation. If they're hard up, then they should be happy to abide by a few rules and keep their kids under control.

See, the problem is with being polite all the time is that people take advantage. You had to ask one of their kids, with her parents present, to stop peeling wallpaper off the walls? I would have told her, once, and if she persisted, I'd have kicked the lot of them out of the house until she could behave.

And as for the routing in your cupboards, if she finds something and then enquires as to whose it is/whether she can have it, simple answer is "No, not until you learn respect for other people's homes."

Really, this has gone far beyond being polite. Family or not they're taking liberties.

Person_one

Yeah, you really should have said no.

miss_independent

thorsoak wrote: »

If you find them so dreadful, why have you invited them/agreed to them staying in your house?

They called and said they wanted to come and stay, when would be convenient? I couldn't say never. They are family after all and I don't want a row/rift.

paulineb_2

I dont know why you are having them either

They can stay in a cheap youth hostel or B and B and its not essential to have a holiday every year

Ive had two in 6 years and it was years before that that I was away anywhere

It looks like they take the !!!! and if you are going to set boundaries now, they really need to be clear ones

BitterAndTwisted

You don't want them to feel uncomfortable in your house? I would. I'd be damned if I'd put up with that sort of abuse of hospitality. A volatile Dad I would see as a posible ally, not someone to be feared of offending.

If you can't find a way of dealing with this kind of intrusion perhaps you should cancel their visit?

Molly41

Fit a lock on your door and lock it!

Takeaway_Addict

You're intimidated by a 12 year old.....oh dear, its going to be a long 10 days for you!!!

The going through cupboards and asking questions are just kids as they are but going in your bedroom is a big no no.

Personally I would (and have in the past) pay someone to put a lock onto your bedroom so you can lock it when you are not there.

I would also, if you have food you do not want [STRIKE]stolen[/STRIKE]eaten I would literally write on it in black marker that it's yours and no one elses

Tropez

miss_independent wrote: »

They called and said they wanted to come and stay, when would be convenient? I couldn't say never. They are family after all and I don't want a row/rift.

Surely a rift is better than feeling like the victim of a home invasion? At least if you'd said no, the inevitable next question would have been why and that would have given you the perfect opportunity to list off your issues with how their kids behave. If your cousin values your family relationship then she must be willing to sort this out?

paulineb_2

And the reason the kids have no realisation of what boundaries are is that they obviously arent being set any by the parents.