We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Politely setting boundaries with houseguests
Options
Comments
-
miss_independent wrote: »They called and said they wanted to come and stay, when would be convenient? I couldn't say never. They are family after all and I don't want a row/rift.
You could have "I don't know at the moment" and kept stalling but it's hard to think of these things when people suddenly come up with a question like that.
I put have been put out because they should have asked if it was possible to come - not we want to come.
I think you're going to have a much worse breakdown of family relationships if you let them come than if you find some reason now to stop them coming. Things will happen and things will be said that can't be taken back!0 -
and i would agree with the whole you want to eat you will bring your own food none of the food in my kitchen is to be consumed by you or your children unless i specifically offer it to you
i am offering you a roof over your heads for your holiday not a fully paid all food and all cleaning involved you and the children will help with chores and you will do your own laundryThe only people I have to answer to are my beautiful babies aged 8 and 50 -
miss_independent wrote: »The Dad isn't volatile with them...just anyone who "upsets" them. They spend all their time !!!!!footing around the kids. On holiday, EVERY night they both ended up in their parents bed, they hardly ate any meals just chocolate, ice creams, nachos etc. He would just shrug and say, "Anything for a quiet life." When eldest was picking the wall paper off and on the third time I asked her to stop and used my firm "teacher" voice - he gave me this look that said, "You. Me. Outside Now!" :eek:
I agree it will be hell for me. My cousin was always more like a sibling and I don't want to lose touch. I do "like" them. I just hate the way they let the kids run rampant through the house.
I've been given a list of what they want me to get in.
Seriously? The shopping list?
Miss independent, how independent do you feel right now? Because you sound like a bit of a doormat tbh.
Their kids in their bed and the diet, if they pay for IMO is their issue. If guests stay with me I provide for them (because I want to and I invite them....and never for ten days) but I ask what they can't eat and then I cook stuff we can all eat. I don't cater to their every whim. Though I might try and make their favourite once.
If they invited themselves and I complied (I might for a cousin that felt like a sibling) I would expect to be worked round, to be told they'd be know trouble and do a shop, and probably to have the offer meal made for me while they stayed....which I would refuse....I hate other people in my kitchen:o:D0 -
Its not too late to say you are now unable to accomodate them due to illness/work commitments etc.
I would suggest camping for them or youth hostelling. 2 weeks is far too long for relatives to visit anyway.0 -
miss_independent wrote: »The Dad isn't volatile with them...just anyone who "upsets" them. They spend all their time !!!!!footing around the kids. On holiday, EVERY night they both ended up in their parents bed, they hardly ate any meals just chocolate, ice creams, nachos etc. He would just shrug and say, "Anything for a quiet life." When eldest was picking the wall paper off and on the third time I asked her to stop and used my firm "teacher" voice - he gave me this look that said, "You. Me. Outside Now!" :eek:
I agree it will be hell for me. My cousin was always more like a sibling and I don't want to lose touch. I do "like" them. I just hate the way they let the kids run rampant through the house.
I've been given a list of what they want me to get in.
Really??? They sound like the family from hell! Had that man given me a look like that, he wouldn't have been welcome back, I guarantee you!
And they gave YOU a list of things to get THEM? I don't even...
You're being a massive pushover, and they see you as a "free holiday"! I understand you don't want to lose touch with your relative, but that doesn't mean you have to lie down and let them walk all over you! You could have just said "I'm sorry, I have other plans", or "I'm sorry, it's not going to be possible". You don't even have to offer an explanation - you are doing them a favour!
Honestly, I don't even understand how you can take that kind of !!!!!! from people and STILL look for ways to "politely set boundaries".
Actually scratch the polite replies I gave you. I'd have wanted to say "I'm afraid you can't come. Your kids behave like insufferable brats and your husband is a bully. I'd rather scoop my own eyes out with a dirty spoon than spend days in their company".0 -
Ok some points to add;
I can't cancel. They have booked flights and I don't want to cancel. I want to have them over but have some rules.
I am off work and I will not be leaving them alone in my house at any point.
They are expecting me to provide meals/do cooking. I learned this the hard way in Florida. They will not offer to wash up etc. They don't take plates or cups to the sink etc. Florida wasn't a holiday for me, I spent the whole time tidying up glasses, trails of popcorn and panicking they were going to destroy the villa and as I had booked it, I would have been liable for damage.
I am aiming to encourage them to get out of the house as much as possible. I used a groupon offer to buy discount attraction tickets for one day and my Dad is offering to lend them his Motorhome to go to the coast for one weekend lol!0 -
OP I feel your pain, you want these people in your life but not for a week in your home and I can understand that.
Is it too late to get a cottage somewhere and tell them you are going there and they can join you.
can you come up with a reason their stay should be shorter?
Do you feel up to a telephone call with your cousin before they arrive telling her the rules?
I feel these children could benifit from positive reinforcement so could you think of a treat every now and then if they behave.
Maybe you just need to loose your temper with them once and they will know you are unhappy, it seems to me that they don't know that at the moment!0 -
You could have "I don't know at the moment" and kept stalling but it's hard to think of these things when people suddenly come up with a question like that.
I put have been put out because they should have asked if it was possible to come - not we want to come.
I think you're going to have a much worse breakdown of family relationships if you let them come than if you find some reason now to stop them coming. Things will happen and things will be said that can't be taken back!
I would have said, honestly cuz, if it were just us like the old days, any time. I adore you and x and the kids, but its hard for a single Ton like me,to change her ways for such a lo
Ng time, I feel swamped. Il could do four or five days then I feel a bit all done out and lose my sanity. , you are amazing, I could not do what you do. Could we do a long weekend? (If you wanted to)0 -
I was going to suggest an email enclosing the 'house rules' in a humerous and light hearted manner and ending with the address of a local B&B for those who don't stick to them! but guess you probably won't want to go that far!
Since you seem to be stuck with them I would go for minimising any damage.
So...
1. Make sure that your husband is fully 'on board' with your wishes. Nothing better than having someone else to be the 'spoil sport'.
2. As already suggested, do not buy anything that you don't want them to eat. If something is earmarked for a particular meal then wrap it and stick Do not touch - this is for dinner! on it.
3. Definitely put a lock on your door - inside a simple cheap bolt - outside a padlock - just a key for you and hubby. If they ask about it have a funny response ready.
4. Realise that it will be awful and you will get no backup from the parents - save yourself stress by expecting the absolute worse and gritting your teeth knowing that it will not be for ever.
5. Get together a 'bounty bag' with things for each of the kids and blind them with your generosity.
6. Fill each day with so much to do that they will be so exhausted that they won't have time to wreck your house. (Think young school kids on the bus at the end of the school trip)
7. Talking of wrecking the house - put anything precious away (give it to a neighbour) and make your house look like a hotel (cos that's how it is going to be treated)
8. The most important thing - do not fall out with your other half over this
9. Sorry, the most most important thing - never invite them again.
I wish you oodles of luck and smile, smile, smile.
Edit. Whoops, just reread and there doesn't seem to be anyone to share the load so ignore some comments and insert 'retain your sanity'.0 -
miss_independent wrote: »Ok some points to add;
I can't cancel. They have booked flights and I don't want to cancel. I want to have them over but have some rules.
I am off work and I will not be leaving them alone in my house at any point.
They are expecting me to provide meals/do cooking. I learned this the hard way in Florida. They will not offer to wash up etc. They don't take plates or cups to the sink etc. Florida wasn't a holiday for me, I spent the whole time tidying up glasses, trails of popcorn and panicking they were going to destroy the villa and as I had booked it, I would have been liable for damage.
I am aiming to encourage them to get out of the house as much as possible. I used a groupon offer to buy discount attraction tickets for one day and my Dad is offering to lend them his Motorhome to go to the coast for one weekend lol!
Really - and you still let them come to yours? Wow.Sanctimonious Veggie. GYO-er. Seed Saver. Get in.0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

Categories
- All Categories
- 351K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453.6K Spending & Discounts
- 244.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 599K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177K Life & Family
- 257.4K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards