Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

kezzygirl

I would tell them i have norovirus-the day after that, each other family member gets infected.oops!Its an epidemic in your house!

Treevo

maman wrote: »

I agree with you and missi.

I've never been asked/expected to pay for food when I've stayed with friends or family and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to buy food when they come here. I think it's called hospitality.;)

Anything I buy is always voluntary and more of a hostess gift than helping out with household finances.

I do find the 'list' a bit of a cheek but I expect missi would have gone out and bought child-friendly treats for the children in any event.

Hospitality is reserved for those who don't invite themselves.

Alpha58

What a mixture of posts! I have to say that I thought that some of the contributions were downright spiteful – why log on to be so nasty?


My take on this is that the OP is a nice person who has been put in a position where – rightly or wrongly – she felt that she could not say “no” but which of us has not been there? It has been made worse by a number of factors; a bad experience on a previous holiday, personal issues with cleanliness and tidiness and, dare I say it, the fact that she can’t really afford to have four guests eating her out of house and home. And for those who say “she’s a teacher, she should be able to cope with children” – many of us have jobs which involve being hard-edged at work but see home as the place where we can relax and unwind. Certainly the case for me.


A BIL and SIL who I don’t like with a DS who is (or at least was) as obnoxious as his opinionated father came to see us some years ago. My two rug rats were about 5 and 6 and the monster was a year older. His parents went out and, before going, BIL said to all three children “behave yourself, X is in charge.” I was furious – in charge of what? My children? (We were in the house all the way through). The little sh*t was in trouble by the age of 4 for bullying, and his father was reinforcing that at the expense of my two…and what did I say? Nothing. I quietly fumed but didn’t have a retort ready, then or later. And I have a high-pressure job with a lot of responsibility, but I just curled up and waited for it to go away.


I suspect that the OP has managed to get into a stew over this but it will not be as bad as she fears…perhaps a frank talk with the cousin and her husband over a glass of wine on the first evening to lay out her fears may the way to go.



Either way, good luck!

cheeswright

what about
"hi, just wanted to drop you a note before you turned up
really looking forward to seeing you all
but must warn you
I'm still catching up withmyself from last term
I know ! us teachers are supposed to have all this holiday - but I'm three weeks unwinding and three weeks winding back up again..
anyway
I'm not going to be around all ther time you are here
so I just thought I'd let you know what will be going on
as your bringing DD I just thought we ought to make sure she dosnt go upstairs -and I'll shift the worst of my stuff up there - god knows how I manage to have such a child unfriendly house...I know shes quite good on short visits but as I'll be out sometimes I'll probably lock the doors up there as I wouldnt want her coming to any harm whilst I'm out

I'll cook dinner when you turn up - for all of us as you'll be tired after your journey
and I'll get in something for breakfast next day too - and I'll clean out a kitchen cupboard for you to put your own groceries in after that ..so you wont get them mixed up with mine
oh and would you like a shelf in the fridge or shall I just get one of those big marker pens so you can mark up whats yours ? Im ashamed to say there isnt really any room in the freezer but I dont expect that will matter
I'm going to be going out early some days and will need the bathroom (at these times)too just so you know

I've got a bunch of leaflets from the tourist information center for you theres loads on and the weathers looking good looking forward to seeing you.....etc"
I was hoping to strike a tone of brisk - factual - and cheerfully helpful whilst not in any way giving any ground that matters

cheeswright

oops I skim read the last few pages ! - ignore the post above

Primrose

I,d seize the bull by the horns before they arrive, email and say that you all want the visit to go smoothly so feel it would be best to get all the embarrassing ground rules out of the way first, to avoid the misunderstandings that could occur when everybody is living on top of each other ieA
B
C


Then there,s no excuse for misunderstandings and if thing get too much out of line, just say. Stella (or whatever her name is) "this isn,t working. Lets get back to the rules so that we don't all make life difficult for each other and fall out over things".

caeler

I just wanted to add my contribution. I really admire you trying to prepare for this event. I really hope it passes without incident and you don't become too anxious. I completely understand where you are coming from. I live alone and take a lot of pride in my home, everything is tidy and put in its place so I do struggle when I have people in my home, even loved ones! Others have said already so I will just echo, I think you're going to have to discuss your anxieties with the parents.

I'm shocked my the children's behaviours, based on my own experiences I'm very close to my grandparents and stayed with them many times and holiday abroad with them but I've NEVER to date ever wondered around their house, opening cupboards and helping myself to 'stuff'. If I wanted something to eat even whilst staying with them, I was ask, always. Shocking behaviour and the parents need to teach.

One thing did occur to me - you say your twenty something. I wonder if due to your age your views and needs are not being taken seriously?

trix-a-belle

I am astounded what kids get away with these days, i'm also in my 20's & never would have even dared consider trying on what these kids get away with & even behaviours I have seen by others out in public. :eek:

Could I make a suggestion re the girls while they are staying with you, I realise you have said the older is intimidating to you therefore I assume you currently try to restrict interaction, perhaps instead take the stance of 'i'm not scared of you' & as your cousin says they apparently love spending time with you, push that almost to overkill, have activities you can do together & you can teach them, get them outside to show them things that interest you (& out of the house), ask them what interests them & relate things to your growing up. That is how I have developed a bond with a younger relative of mine that definitely worried me in the first instance.
Grit your teeth and push them to exhaustion

From what you have said about the parenting I really don't think you can rely on them to go out places during the day or have activities for them therefore this may slow the disobedient/bored wandering.

I realise this may push your ocd but it may give you additional strength to draw on for your day to day teaching?

Also to agree with some of the other posters, definitely don't be afraid to make a comment if the older one toes out of line, it doesn't have to be rude just something along the lines of "Excuse me. My parents/relations wouldn't have stood for that from me" with a pointed look.

Good luck :beer:

BitterAndTwisted

The statement that the cousin says the kids love spending time with the OP is just more ruthless manipulation to get what this family wants. Like a free holiday or an unpaid chambermaid while they're away in Florida. I wouldn't be paying any attention to that load of old tosh.

Addiscomber

I have to wonder how this family live in their own home. Do they cook and clean up after themselves there?