Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

aileth

LannieDuck wrote: »

I would expect a host to buy food/cook for me for a short visit, but not for 10 days (even my parents - if we were staying that long, I'd feel obliged to buy/cook some meals for them in return).

However, we would eat what they decided to cook for us (with fair notice of allergies/dislikes etc), and anything specific we wanted that they didn't have, we'd buy ourselves.

Agree with this. If we go stay with my parents for 1-3 nights, if I offered to pay for anything my dad would outright refuse. However, that's my dad and not my disrespectful cousins. 5 nights will be a lot better. I hope you cope OP. Remember, if there's something specific they want, tell them they can get it themselves and point them in the right direction.

I'd be very interested to hear how things go if you can update after the war is over

Acc72

thorsoak wrote: »

If you find them so dreadful, why have you invited them/agreed to them staying in your house?

Just read the first and last pages and skipped those inbetween - the first comment on this thread summed it up for me.

If the situation is so bad you should cancel now, otherwise you will worry between now and then, have a miserable time whilst they are staying with you and I am pretty certain you will fall out with them in the end anyway so you might as well fast forward to the falling out bit now and save yourself a whole bunch of aggro.

paulineb_2

These kids have no boundaries as has been said before.

Seriously, you went to a restaurant and ended up paying £10 because the kid bought 4 drinks and then went to the manager and demanded that she get another drink?

They would never have been over my door again. Its basically abuse. The entire family are abusing you.

I seriously would see how it goes on night one and if it looks like its going to be drama, tell them to go to a B and B

And they can pay. I also agree, get a friend round to give you moral support, even for a few nights

**professor~yaffle**

Oh dear, oh dear. At the very least it's a cultural difference. I know in the States they are very erm.. child friendly shall we say (read: they spoil them rotten!) and they are very hospitable people. BUT there's also family dynamics going on here.

I think at this stage, Miss I, you can either feign illness and cancel the holiday (and risk having them never speak to you again. result, perhaps? )

Or you can just do a damage-limitation exercise. Lock things you don't want the older brat to have access to, ignore the child completely when she's being obnoxious, or simply say: I find you very rude..

THEY are guests in YOUR house. If the dad kicks off, so be it, they can find themselves somewhere else to stay.

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

If it's been bad when they go off in the motorhome, I'll text them and say I've booked them into Travelodge for their return.

I'm glad that you've got as far as thinking like this!

Mojisola

After your comments about horrible child going through your phone - make sure your mobile and any computers have passwords on them so that only you can use them.

madget_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I think I was the first person to bring OCD to the thread MsChocaholic, so I was probably putting words in your mouth! I said I am a bit OCD about cleaning. And I genuinely do have OCD houseimprover, it was diagnosed by the Educational Psychologist aged 4, its continued to affect me through my life. Of course it isn't nice (especially when you are 11 and think that the only way your family will be ok is if you keep pulling out clumps of your hair, or when your hands are raw because you can't stop washing them and using antibac hand gel) but I find humour helps me and nothing MsChocaholic said offended me.

On the subject of OCD, I suffer from it (although I seem to have it under control now) and just wanted to say that I really don't mind people without it saying things like, "I'm a bit OCD." I first started with it about 20 years ago and we'd never even heard of it then. It's actually a relief that people are able to talk about it now, even in a jokey manner, as it makes me feel less isolated and not so much of a freak. In the old days, I thought I was the only one in the world who felt bizarrely compelled to do things an even number of times in order to stave off disaster and hadn't a clue why on earth I did it!

Humour definitely helps, Miss Independent!

I have to say that your attitude and resolve seems to be coming on a treat. With any luck, some of the posts here will have given you some ideas and a bit of strength to help you maybe implement at least some of them.

Like you, it is very important to me to make any visitors who stay feel very welcome and at completely at home. I go out of my way to make lovely food and try to ensure they really enjoy themselves. Luckily, my visitors so far have all been a joy to spend time with. Yours sound like a nightmare - although I think you now have some tools with which to deal with them. And you'll certainly know in future to learn to turn them down when they ask to stay - unless, of course, they surprise you this time and turn out to be ideal guests. (You never know - stranger things have happened! )

I would certainly be asking friends or neighbours to look after your most precious belongings, if at all possible. As for buying in food, I'd go for supermarket "value" ranges, spending as little as possible in this case. Limiting the number of glassware and crockery items sounds like a good idea too - and certainly not using your best china, etc.

Emailing them with your house rules in advance would certainly save on confrontation - at least initially, and would warn them to be on their best behaviour.

If your relationship with your cousin is as good as that normally associated with close siblings, then maybe a quiet word with her might help. To be honest, it's not worth becoming too worried about upsetting anyone (family included) who is willing to behave so badly in someone else's house. It sounds to me as though others in your family aren't very impressed with their behaviour either, so would surely take any tittle-tattle or complaints with a rather large pinch of salt. Therefore, I wouldn't worry about that either.

Finally, one thing which helps me immeasurably in difficult situations is the thought that nothing lasts for ever. "This too shall pass." Once you have this visit under your belt, you need never do it again.

Good luck, and please update us with how you get on, if you feel able. I, along with plenty of others here, am rooting for you! :T

Lucy_Lastic

Can you persuade them to spend more than 3 nights in the motor home?

Are you going to put the house rules up on the wall/door? I think if you just hand it to them it may end up in the bin.

Things are looking better, you have had some good advice, you have planned things, they are leaving sooner than you thought - you WILL survive.

rach13

Some tips I've acquired in a similar situation...

1. Box up valuables, breakables, expensive wines, non perishable foods, nice knives, cooking equipment and put in spare room - tell everyone that spare room is out of bounds due to redecorating - if they so much as pop their heads round the door - it is a room full of boxes. Sometimes a rougue step ladder in the upstairs hall, some dust sheets, some loose connections - and then tell everyone that you are getting the house rewired and it's dangerous and you couldn't live with yourself if anything happened to them - I find parents don't mind so much you shouting at their kids if they think it is because they are in danger....;)

2. Only have 4 glasses, 4 plates, 4 bowls, 4 spoons....etc. etc... one per guest. (I'm so sad I have my own private set in a cupboard and show the guests where the "dishes" are kept - but there is only ever enough available for one each - makes people think twice about either wasting a plate to eat and apple?!? or about not washing up.

3. Leave out leaflets of local attractions - coupons - cinema times - cheap days out - nice places for picnics and encourage guests to be out of the house most days from mid morning til late afternoon - also suggest restaurants - affordable and award winning near each spot - e.g. cinema - oh it's right beside a nando's they do a full chicken + Side + drink for 2 people for £20...or there is a cute little french place - you should check it out on the way home....

4. I always arrange a few 'conference calls' and leave out a schedule - I have a call on Tuesday at 3pm - I need 1 hour of prep - and a quiet house - so thats a good time for you guys to do a day trip somewhere - why not go to the coast? Day of shopping? Forest Park? I should be done by 5pm and we can all have a nice dinner?

5. I always do a Roast type dinner and say - got a cut of meat - planning to cook it on Friday - I'll stay back and get the dinner on - you guys should go to local fair...etc etc....I'll have it ready by 6pm.

6. Even though it pains me - I always offer for the adults to go out for a night and mind the kids - get in a dvd and popcorn and make a fuss and let the adults let their hair down - lightens the mood around - especially if it's half way through the trip - it can also get the kids onside - even difficult ones - and since the adults think you have done them a favour - they maybe take the kids out for a day somewhere themselves. Also with no parents around - sometimes brats are better behaved and if not - you don't need to hold back as much when telling them off (I'm thinking of my step-niece here)

7. I always get my niece to do chores - in exchange for stars - when she has enough - she gets a small treat. If kids aren't used to doing chores at home (spoilt ones) and it's a bit of a game - or a competition - with a reward at the end - then sometimes they play ball. Treats can be cinema trip before she leaves or something. If she is doing washing up - I always rewash - but find it much nicer to rewash prewashed dishes than ones with week old food on them so it's a win win. I also sent niece (11) down to get the paper each morning from local shop etc - simply to get her out from under my nose for 20mins and she thinks she is being helpful and the walk seems to do her good mood wise!

8. Always have a few one-liners stored up for cheeky comments or intrusive questions...and practice so they roll off the tongue.

Tryingagainandagain

At least you seem to have a bit of respite from them.:j

I hope the visit is better than you anticipate - do keep us posted - and use the thread to vent if you need to.