Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

LannieDuck

You're pandering to people who don't have any respect for you.

I can't get over the fact that you were all on holiday together, and you'd been cooking communal meals... and they went and ordered a take-away without including you.

paulineb_2

Also, what do they know about your financial circumstances. You managed to find everything they wanted for £60 but I assume if you hadnt shopped in low cost shops it could have been £100 plus?

Well I dont have that spare cash to spend on me. Any guests staying with me would be getting meals I cooked, like it or lump it

You are having these people in your home and its costing you? If someone was so kind as to put me up for ten days Id be bringing gifts with me, not sending a list of demands of what I wanted to eat and drink

lostinrates

paulineb wrote: »

I dont think even with the cultural issue, you need to buy the food, if theres an assumption that you'll look after house guests and make them welcome fair enough, but its a two way street

If they are from the same cultural background as you, what excuses their awful behaviour towards you?

And if they do go home and slag you off Id be making it very clear to extended family just how badly theyve treated you

Also, theres a difference between being a good host and them sending a list of foodstuffs that you must buy

They sound selfish to the core

I DO cater for my house guests. I wouldn't expect a list of what they do eat, though i do ask for a list of what they categorically cannot eat. and if I got a list of things to buy I'd smile and mainly ignore it, buying a couple of things for the kids from the list as a good will gesture and to keep them comfortable and gladly drive the parents to the supermarket for anything I was noT providing that they could not do without.

I don't like people to go without but there are somethings I will not provide in my home. Ten days worth of junk food would not be happening, (because it would be ten days of jumped up hyper kids). though I'd be happy to relax for the possibly two weekends that covered. Although we don't eat much bread I'd be happy to provide lots of bread and butter for those who felt everything else was truly inedible.

I find it difficult to argue with miss independent on that score personally, but know others might feel differently.

paulineb_2

Id be sending them an email that said

Im happy to have you in my home, but there have been instances where your daughter has been rude to me in public, you excluded me from meals when we were in Florida, Ive felt upset by the behaviour of your kids when theyve been in my home and things that have been said about the decoration of my flat

Ive spent money on you and Im happy to do it, but please be assured that if you come into my home and are negative to me or make me upset in any way shape or form, I'll be giving you the address of the nearest B and B and you will not stay another 5 minutes in my house again

And if you have anything negative to say about me after the visit I'll be letting extended family just how poorly youve treated me in the past

I sincerely hope that you put some boundaries in place regarding how your children behave and speak to me during your ten day visit, if you dont, it will be the last time you will be over my doorstep

And if you are unhappy with any of the contents of this email, Im not happy with the way Ive been treated over the years and I believe that its better to clear the air and make a fresh start than me dread your visit

If they had an issue with this, TOUGH

Sometimes you have to make a stand and if toxic people disappear from your life, thats just the way it is

LannieDuck

...I meant to add - as far as drinks go, buy a large bottle of squash and explain that's all you drink, but they're welcome to buy anything else they might like.

I'd be tempted to do the same with snacks as well - a bowl of fruit is enough to stop anyone going hungry. If there are specific crisps/biscuits they're used to having, they're welcome to pick some up at the local shops.

paulineb_2

If I had guests I certainly wouldnt feed them something that they were allergic to, but I wouldnt be buying a list of junk foods that people are used to.

They have, as previous posters have said, presumably enough cash to go and get themselves a takeaway or two if thats what they want to do

If they can afford to go to Florida and have meals out, they arent exactly on their uppers I would think.

maman

lostinrates wrote: »

I find it difficult to argue with miss independent on that score personally, but know others might feel differently.

I agree with you and missi.

I've never been asked/expected to pay for food when I've stayed with friends or family and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to buy food when they come here. I think it's called hospitality.;)

Anything I buy is always voluntary and more of a hostess gift than helping out with household finances.

I do find the 'list' a bit of a cheek but I expect missi would have gone out and bought child-friendly treats for the children in any event.

miss_independent

lostinrates wrote: »

Well, good for you miss independent . I really hope you have the resolve to stick to it. I do strongly recommend sending the roles in advance so they can blow any steam off about it in advance.....this is for their benifit as much as yours.


How long have you got before they arrive? Hours or days? Take care of yourself and please do think for your own sake about how to avoid situations like this in the future.

I was expecting them Friday night but when they emailed the list they said they were coming Friday morning but luckily they have said they are now catching an earlier flight, making it 8 nights instead of 10 and they have said they'd be interested in using Dad's motorhome for a few nights so I might only have them 5 nights . If it's been bad when they go off in the motorhome, I'll text them and say I've booked them into Travelodge for their return.

paulineb_2

The thing is though, does it need to cost £60 plus? £6 a day isnt much over ten days, but I could cook a meal for 4 people for £3 or less. People shouldnt always assume that someone hosting you has a lot of spare cash

And if I were staying with someone rent free for ten days Id be looking to take them out for a meal or two to say thank you for saving me £30-£50 plus a night, which it would cost in a hotel or B and B.

Or more than that.

miss_independent

maman wrote: »

I agree with you and missi.

I've never been asked/expected to pay for food when I've stayed with friends or family and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to buy food when they come here. I think it's called hospitality.;)

Anything I buy is always voluntary and more of a hostess gift than helping out with household finances.

I do find the 'list' a bit of a cheek but I expect missi would have gone out and bought child-friendly treats for the children in any event.

Yes I would have and did in Florida, bought loads of goodies, not one thank you. This time, I started buying stuff in Home Bargains then put it back. I've bought a pack of cupcakes (80p), Value Ice Cream (89p), Ice cream sauce (60p), cones (60p), 8 bottles of pop (£4) and a multipack of Crisps.

I stepped away from the Haribo and treat-sized cadburys and the mini mars icecream bars.

There's a sweet shop 300 yards away.