Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

Dunroamin

TopQuark wrote: »

TBH, after reading this thread, I've lost patience with the spineless OP now. Every time she responds, it's with yet another anecdote about this family's bad behaviour towards her. Perhaps she enjoys wallowing in all this drama? Or perhaps she is a masochist or a martyr, who knows? In the very least, she has little respect for herself.

I don't buy the 'cultural' excuses either. As far as I'm aware, it's not acceptable to treat family members like dog turd in any culture.

Unless the visit is cancelled, expect to see another thread on here in 10 days time about how 'my family trashed my house and spread lies about me'.

Sorry for being harsh but after 10+ pages, it has come to it.

Very harsh but probably true.

aliasojo

TopQuark wrote: »

TBH, after reading this thread, I've lost patience with the spineless OP now. Every time she responds, it's with yet another anecdote about this family's bad behaviour towards her. Perhaps she enjoys wallowing in all this drama? Or perhaps she is a masochist or a martyr, who knows? In the very least, she has little respect for herself.

I don't buy the 'cultural' excuses either. As far as I'm aware, it's not acceptable to treat family members like dog turd in any culture.

Unless the visit is cancelled, expect to see another thread on here in 10 days time about how 'my family trashed my house and spread lies about me'.

Sorry for being harsh but after 10+ pages, it has come to it.

Wow.

You clearly don't practice tolerance then?

(I don't mean about the family, I mean about the OP's inability to be forceful over the situation.)

Battleaxe44

If there is no cancellation, then i wuld be sending an email prior to them leaving home and explain, you would your house rules to be observed and if they feel they cannot copmply to consider making other arrangements for accommodation.

List your house rules and stress that you would like this visit be as stress free as possible and for your privacy to be respected.

It might sound harsh but if you are going to survive this visit you have to be strong right from the outset.

I have been a houseguest and only with one person. We usually stay a month and I would never consider going through my hosts drawers or kitchen cupboard . When we stay I make sure we go shopping and I pay for the groceries and any other thing I would like that my host does not have.

When we eat out we now have the arrangement, they pay one night, we pay the next.

When we go out, we pay for everything.

On depatrture we always leave an envelope with money in it, a nice note, thanking our hosts for their hospitality and please use the money in any way they see fit, even if it is to offset the utility bills.

On arrival hme, I ring the local florist and arrange a gift basket of things I know my hostess loves.

I feel, if we stayed in the hotel, we woud be spending more money anyway and I love staying with my hosts. If we go anywhere else, we book our own accommodation and organise for people to visit us.

Cultural or not, there are boundaries and these boundaries have to be respected.

You never know they might cancel after receiving your email.

Misty_Blue

miss_independent wrote: »

Last time she was at my house, I did say please could she finish one drink before pouring out another and her dad walked up to me and said, "What's going on?". I explained and he said, "It's hardly a big deal is it? Just let her have whatever she wants."

And presumably you did let her have whatever she wants? Instead of saying to her father: "If you want to let her behave like that in your home, that's your business. But this is my house and I expect you and your family to behave with some basic courtesy." And then enforcing the rule about the drinks.

They act like this around you because you have always allowed them to act like this around you. You've had plenty of opportunities to "set boundaries" in the past and have never done so. It possibly sounds harsh, but as you still seem incapable of standing up for yourself then you're just going to have to put up with it.

Mojisola

Battleaxe44 wrote: »

If there is no cancellation, then i wuld be sending an email prior to them leaving home

And if they do still come, have a big poster of the house rules up on the wall - as suggested by the like of TV's Supernanny.

TopQuark

aliasojo wrote: »

Wow.

You clearly don't practice tolerance then?

I do practice tolerance; I don't practice self-flagellation.

There is a line between being tolerant and being abused. Reading this thread and the almost unanimous responses from others, that line was passed a long time ago.

aliasojo

TopQuark wrote: »

I do practice tolerance; I don't practice self-flagellation.

B0llocks! If you practiced tolerance your last post would not have been a sole exercise in complete condemnation of the OP!

The OP mentioned culture. There are cultures where people are raised to comply with a set of beliefs that westerners would balk at.

I have no idea if the OP struggles to be assertive because of culture or personality but berating her for not acting as you think she should, is just as spineless as you think she is.

houseimprover

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

No official diagnosis, probably more so than I dare to admit to, never checked though. Sorry if I've offended anyone, wasn't intentional but I have many of the traits I'm sure.

No offence taken by me, I was just pointing out that having OCD isn't a good thing as is often made out by flippant remarks and actually sufferers (inc myself) struggle on a daily basis through recovery.

If you feel you have OCD then it would be worth getting a diagnosis early because the longer you leave it the deeper entrenched it gets and the harder it becomes to solve.

Edited to add Miss I, if you feel you do suffer from OCD then look at getting it sorted

andygb

aliasojo wrote: »

B0llocks! If you practiced tolerance your last post would not have been a sole exercise in complete condemnation of the OP!

The OP mentioned culture. There are cultures where people are raised to comply with a set of beliefs that westerners would balk at.

I have no idea if the OP struggles to be assertive because of culture or personality but berating her for not acting as you think she should, is just as spineless as you think she is.

This culture thing is very relevant, because my OH comes from a far more male orientated culture than we have in the UK, and consequently some (not all) of the males in the family definitely treat the females as if they are second class citizens.
The other complication is age, the OP is much younger than the cousin and her husband, and this will further enhance the husband's perception of being superior - he will treat the OP just as he might treat his wife and daughters.
I genuinely feel sorry for the OP, and if I was younger and single, would offer to pop around there each day just to see that she is OK. The fact that she is alone, and there is no male present will also make it easy for this spineless male to intimidate her.

pollypenny

What sort of culture is it that allows such appalling behaviour from a child, supported by her parents? :cool:

And if they are demanding a cooked breakfast, that seems to clash with any culture other than British.

I would just have a meal ready for them when they arrive, some cereal available for breakfast and let them get on with it.

When will your school be open again? I'd be sorting out my classroom and display work for next year. By god, I'd have every lesson planned for the year if it kept me away from them!