Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

Lucy_Lastic

OP - We know you are not going to cancel, we now know that you are not going to send an e mail with a list of house rules, we are pretty sure that you are not going to assert yourself during this visit.

I'm really not being sarcastic here, but is there anything that we have suggested that has been of any help to you at all? What is it that you would like to happen?

If it is a change in your guest's behaviour, that is also not going to happen.

You will get through it, but what are your plans for coping?

Dunroamin

aliasojo wrote: »

B0llocks! If you practiced tolerance your last post would not have been a sole exercise in complete condemnation of the OP!

The OP mentioned culture. There are cultures where people are raised to comply with a set of beliefs that westerners would balk at.

I have no idea if the OP struggles to be assertive because of culture or personality but berating her for not acting as you think she should, is just as spineless as you think she is.

The OP's brother (who's presumably from the same culture that she is) obviously didn't find this family's behaviour towards his sister acceptable either.

pimento

I recommend gin.

Norma_Desmond

I'm not just saying this OP, but personally I'd feign the Bubonic Plague to cancel their visit this time, and then never, ever invite them back (or allow them to invite themselves!).

I did this with the brother in law and his girlfriend; they'll never stay in our house again.

aliasojo

Dunroamin wrote: »

The OP's brother (who's presumably from the same culture that she is) obviously didn't find this family's behaviour towards his sister acceptable either.

That's irrelevant.

The culture aspect goes towards the OP's state of mind. Not what the reality might be to you, I or anyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending this family in any way shape or form, but to virtually kick the OP for not being able to say no or be more assertive, says more about the kicker than her. That can't be defended, even with raising more points about how others agree she was badly treated.

paulineb_2

miss_independent wrote: »

Morning all,

Couple of points;

There is no other family who they can stay with here. My parents and I are the only members of our family that live in this country and my parents have health problems. My brother lives overseas so he can't help.

I would never have invited them. My cousin called and said, "We want to come over for a couple of weeks. We want to stay with you, you've got the room for us so there's no need to book anywhere. When can we come?" I was put on the spot. I did hope they would forget but they kept emailing asking when they should book flights for.

Again, I don't want them, or anyone really, knowing about the OCD. It's bad enough I've told you lot!

Dad is volatile in that he never tells the kids off but would have no problem shouting at me or anyone who "disrupted the status quo" which is, whatever the kids want the kids get. The kids never hear the word No. And they never get told that what they say is offensive. And I mean offensive.

I see this as a trial period. If they screw up, that's it they will NOT be invited back. They've indicated they want a cooked breakfast every morning and they can bloody well help themselves. I'm not a B&B. My cousin can make the lunches, I've provided the stuff.

I'd be fine with them tidying up. I couldn't live with the way things were in Florida. Plates of half eaten food and half drunk cups and trails of food everywhere. After 36 hours it was making me anxious. I can't live like a pig. When I'm finished eating, my plates etc go in the sink and I wash them there and then. They only wash up when you run out of stuff.

Thats another thing about Madam. She has a tendency to pour herself a drink, drink half and then go and help herself to another drink. So you end up with half drunk glasses of orange juice, coke and milkshake everywhere and, as she only drinks branded stuff, it works out expensive. Last time she was at my house, I did say please could she finish one drink before pouring out another and her dad walked up to me and said, "What's going on?". I explained and he said, "It's hardly a big deal is it? Just let her have whatever she wants." It's the same when we go out for a meal. She will order several drinks and finish none of them. I took them out for a meal last time and the restaurant was pretty expensive. She ordered several drinks (big tall glasses, almost pintsized) and when she asked for the fourth one, I made an excuse that I was going to the toilet, went to the waitress and said, "Please don't bring that other drink. It might make her drink the ones she already has, if she is that thirsty!". Anyway, later Madam marched up to the Manager and said, "Can I have my drink now? You do realise, I've been waiting 20 minutes don't you?". The Manager came and asked if it was ok for the Little Girl to have another drink and Madam rolled her eyes and said, "I'm old enough to know whether I want a drink or not!". I can't remember the exact figure but I ended up paying at least £10 in drinks for her.

So. Any suggestions for how to handle the drinks thing? I've actually bought some supermarket brand fizzy drinks - 4 bottles for £2, instead of £2 a bottle and thought I'd play dumb re her brand preferences. When it runs out (8 bottles, 3 cartons of Value OJ) it runs out and its up to them to replace it? My Mum suggested that maybe I should have got the mini cans or bottles instead. I should add I'm not being stingy, I only have the supermarket/value stuff myself, so I'm buying in what I'd buy myself. I've also hidden the tall glasses and only put out small tumblers so that she might actually finish what she drinks.

Feeling calmer today. I've been practicing my firm tone and calm responses.

At the point that you were being harassed as to when they should book the flights, that was when you should have said, actually, Ive alternative plans.

Rowingirl

To be fair to the OP she started this thread less than 24 hours ago and received a lot of replies so probably hasn't had enough time to process all the information and try to put some of the strategies into practice.

missi - is your cousin expecting you to take the 10 days off work and entertain her family? Could you spend everyother day at work and let them know they have leave the house when you go to work and can return when you do so?
I'm also worried about how the father intimidates others so his children can have their own way/ avoid discipline & boundaries. I think you need to practice the phrases other posters have suggested so if he gives you 'the look' again you have no problems dealing with him.

~Chameleon~

Rowingirl wrote:

missi - is your cousin expecting you to take the 10 days off work and entertain her family? Could you spend everyother day at work and let them know they have leave the house when you go to work and can return when you do so?

She's already stated she's a teacher so is no doubt on holiday herself this month.

LittleMrsThrifty

Of course I agree with all of you who are saying the family are completely unreasonable and should not be allowed in Miss Independent's home under any circumstances. However, it's all very well and good us saying what we would have done. I find it unlikely that any of us can say that we have never been taken advantage of or agreed to something we shouldn't. (Probably anyone who is, or has been, married).

Anyway, to the OP. If you are nervous about the confrontation I would email your family in advance. If you think they are broadly reasonable and would take the hint, I woudl keep it simple and to the point and with more positives than negatives. Something like:

• I'm looking forward to seeing you.
• Everything is ready for your arrival. You'll be downstairs as normal. I'll leave you be in your rooms for the 10 days. Obviously I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same so we each have some privacy.
• I've been and bought the things on your list. If there is anything else you need to pick up there is a Sainsburys not far away. As you know I'm on a tight budget myself at the moment so will need you to replace/not eat anything else so I don't go hungry until September!
• I want the kids to have a good time and enjoy themselves whilst they are here. I've planed (insert) activities for them which I hope they will enjoy. Of course, being a teacher and single girl I do have some house rules which I'm sure they will have no problem following (insert kitchen, upstairs, etc).
• Hope you have a safe journey. I'll have the kettle on and home made cake when you arrive.

Alternatively if you think that they won't get what you are trying to say, you could be more direct. Start and end on a high but be more direct in between.

Looking forward to seeing you all.
As I'm sure you'll remember, my house isn't very child friendly and the kids caused problems for me last time you visited. I'll try to help plan activities so that they don't get bored but I need you to ensure that they don't go through my cupboards/go in my room/disturb me at bedtime / etc etc
If we can do this then I am sure we will all have a great week. Safe journey and the kettle will be on when you arrive.

Only you will know which will work best for your family. Generally option A is best for those easily offended and B for those who don't take a hint. Your family seem to be easily offended and don't take a hint so it's too close to call!

Lastly, I think it is lovely that you are having them to stay and really kind and generous of you. All I will say is that you are allowing them to treat you like this. Be firm but not rude (in your best teacher voice) and they'll stop. And you'll probably all have a better time.

paulineb_2

I dont think she'll be at work, shes a teacher.

Also, I appreciate she may feel bullied because they are older, but they arent that much older, ten years or so?

Being slagged off to the rest of your family is the least of your worries, Id just be happy to the see the back of these ungrateful morons.