Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

neverdespairgirl

maman wrote: »

I agree with you and missi.

I've never been asked/expected to pay for food when I've stayed with friends or family and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to buy food when they come here. I think it's called hospitality.;)

Anything I buy is always voluntary and more of a hostess gift than helping out with household finances.

I do find the 'list' a bit of a cheek but I expect missi would have gone out and bought child-friendly treats for the children in any event.

I agree, there. I wouldn't turn up to stay with my parents or best mate armed with 3lb rice, 2lb of pasta and half-a-dozen onions.

I would turn up withe some nice flowers, if in season, or a plant, or wine, or whatever, depending on the receipient.

If staying more than a night or two, I'd definitely do more than my fair share of washing up, clearing up, whatever my host(ess) wanted. And I would never, ever send a list of "snacks you must make available for me", but I do ask people coming to stay if there's anything they don't like . There's not much fun or point in cooking a lovely roast chicken for veggies, or a dish containing something that a guest's allergic to or really dislikes.

There is nothing on earth which would get me out of bed at sparrow fart to cook breakfasts for people, though. My idea of breakfast is a" help-yourself from that cupboard, and don't talk to me until I've had my second cup of tea" meal.

BitterAndTwisted

Of course "it needs" to cost £60 when you've been emailed a shopping-list of wants. This is the first thing I would have put my foot down about, I would have just ignored it and planned the meals myself, but I'm not the OP.

paulineb_2

I agree, Id have planned the meals myself as well and if it wasnt good enough, they could buy the extras.

lostinrates

miss_independent wrote: »

I was expecting them Friday night but when they emailed the list they said they were coming Friday morning but luckily they have said they are now catching an earlier flight, making it 8 nights instead of 10 and they have said they'd be interested in using Dad's motorhome for a few nights so I might only have them 5 nights . If it's been bad when they go off in the motorhome, I'll text them and say I've booked them into Travelodge for their return.

But I thought they had booked the flights? Anyway, this sounds MUCH more handle able. You can grit your teeth through five nights with a break.

BitterAndTwisted

paulineb wrote: »

The thing is though, does it need to cost £60 plus? £6 a day isnt much over ten days, but I could cook a meal for 4 people for £3 or less. People shouldnt always assume that someone hosting you has a lot of spare cash

And if I were staying with someone rent free for ten days Id be looking to take them out for a meal or two to say thank you for saving me £30-£50 plus a night, which it would cost in a hotel or B and B.

Or more than that.

See, if I was staying with friends or family for that length of time the first thing I would do would be to visit the supermarket with my host and pay for the whole bill. Which is precisely what I have done in the past, regardless of whether my hosts were skint, wealthy or something inbetween. But the OP's family are not those sort of people. Wishing it were otherwise it going to get the OP nowhere fast.

But very probably fully prepared to not put herself in the same position again, which is a major result.

neverdespairgirl

I think, B & T, that it really does depend on the hosts. My mother would be very offended if I dragged her off to the supermarket when we turned up, to pay for things.

But if we're there a few days, I always offer to get shopping for her, she gives me a list, and I wave away suggestions of cash to pay for it. Unless the list includes something like 3 x cases of champagne for a party, which she does get to pay for!

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think, B & T, that it really does depend on the hosts. My mother would be very offended if I dragged her off to the supermarket when we turned up, to pay for things.

But if we're there a few days, I always offer to get shopping for her, she gives me a list, and I wave away suggestions of cash to pay for it. Unless the list includes something like 3 x cases of champagne for a party, which she does get to pay for!

And where the guests are from. Tbh, I'd forgo a shop from tesco for some foreign and obscure stuff I cannot get here....especially stuff that will keep for ages or is truly delectable.

Candied pumpkin/squash for baking is something I am after ATM but am too lazy to make. friends who bring big trays of Sicilian delicacies are welcome too. .

andygb

Mojisola wrote: »

Also the children's Dad isn't dominating his daughters and they are female so why should his behaviour towards miss independent be because he is male and she is female?

I have had direct experience of this, so let me explain.
The OP is young and single, the cousin and husband are older and have a family. The OP is perceived by them to be of a lower status within their family group.
We have cut off all contact with a family on my OH's side, because of their behaviour towards us.
Their children were (are in their adult life) badly behaved, but you could not say anything to them, and the parents spoiled them and let them insult us. The BiL was rude and insulting to my wife (his sister), something which very often happens in their culture, particularly when the male siblings are older than their sisters.
Because we have no children, in their family circle we were perceived as being less important (or dysfunctional) than those families which were "complete".
Eventually my patience wore thin, and I told the lot of them what I thought of their behaviour.
Needless to say, various "stories" have been relayed back to where he originates from, and I am perceived as the "troublemaker", together with my OH, who should not take my side but be loyal to her brother:mad:
Life can be very complicated and frustrating, but sometimes with relations you have to just part ways, particularly if it is always making you feel miserable and used.

LannieDuck

I would expect a host to buy food/cook for me for a short visit, but not for 10 days (even my parents - if we were staying that long, I'd feel obliged to buy/cook some meals for them in return).

However, we would eat what they decided to cook for us (with fair notice of allergies/dislikes etc), and anything specific we wanted that they didn't have, we'd buy ourselves.

aliasojo

Dunroamin wrote: »

You've missed the point I was making.

No I didn't, I understood what you were saying. You missed mine though.

However, after the OP's further comments I don't think this is too much of an aspect anyway.