Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

Mojisola

I don't think miss independent would be very comfortable going out and leaving the family in the house alone.

Dunroamin

aliasojo wrote: »

That's irrelevant.

The culture aspect goes towards the OP's state of mind. Not what the reality might be to you, I or anyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending this family in any way shape or form, but to virtually kick the OP for not being able to say no or be more assertive, says more about the kicker than her. That can't be defended, even with raising more points about how others agree she was badly treated.

You've missed the point I was making.

The OP's brother, from the same culture, was perfectly able to rebuke these children without crossing cultural boundaries of acceptable behaviour, so if the OP chooses not to do so then that's down to her character and not her culture.

I think it important that the OP understands that she has choices in this sitation and that her choices will affect the outcome. There's nothing worst than feeling powerless.

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

The OP's brother, from the same culture, was perfectly able to rebuke these children without crossing cultural boundaries of acceptable behaviour, so if the OP chooses not to do so then that's down to her character and not her culture.

Also the children's Dad isn't dominating his daughters and they are female so why should his behaviour towards miss independent be because he is male and she is female?

Misty_Blue

LittleMrsThrifty wrote: »

I find it unlikely that any of us can say that we have never been taken advantage of or agreed to something we shouldn't.

Totally agree, but when you allow it over and over again, the problem becomes one with you, rather than with those who are taking advantage.

The OP effectively has two choices: 1) Change her own behaviour and start standing up for herself, or 2) Put up with being walked all over by these people and their badly behaved children.

She already knows they won't modify their behaviour on their own. They've proved this more than once.

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Also the children's Dad isn't dominating his daughters and they are female so why should his behaviour towards miss independent be because he is male and she is female?

Maybe hes just a horrible ungrateful bully.

minimoneysaver

Sorry, I've only read the first page, not got time to read all 12. If you want my advise, I would give them the rules on a typed out sheet and explain if they break the rules they will have to go to a hotel or B&B. Simple.

Stick to your guns and don't let them walk all over you.

Rowingirl

~Chameleon~ wrote: »

She's already stated she's a teacher so is no doubt on holiday herself this month.

Ooops! Missed that. Ignore my previous post! Could you claim to be marking A Level/ GCSE/ Sats papers this summer so need them out of the house for at least 6 hours everyday so you can get it done? If they object tell them you really want to enjoy spending time with them and will only be able to do so once you've finished marking.

miss_independent

Hi all,

I really don't have alot of time today so won't be posting much. I just don't like that people have started jumping to conclusions, i.e, "Now we know you aren't going to send the email..." and saying I don't seem to want to take on board any suggestions.

Erm, where did I say that? Quite the contrary, I am drawing up house rules which they will be given and I will be using suggestions from several posters on here. I understand that some of you are frustrated with me. Sorry to say, yes I am still letting them come but I am determined it won't be a repeat of Florida. Thanks to those who have helped and came up with practical suggestions, it has honestly helped.

And to those who think I'm an irritating martyr that makes them want to strangle me...you don't have to read my thread you know.

Also, the way I was raised and the rest of the kids in my family was very strict. The culture doesn't say kids can behave like that at all, so that isn't a cultural thing. And so what if they want a cooked breakfast, how many Brits go abroad and eat Paella or full American breakfasts? I only brought the culture thing into it to cast a light on why I feel I have to buy the food etc and to basically let people know, its seen as quite shameful to turn a guest away and expect them to pay for food. I'm mixed race and to be honest part of me "gets" it and part of me doesn't.

lostinrates

Well, good for you miss independent . I really hope you have the resolve to stick to it. I do strongly recommend sending the roles in advance so they can blow any steam off about it in advance.....this is for their benifit as much as yours.


How long have you got before they arrive? Hours or days? Take care of yourself and please do think for your own sake about how to avoid situations like this in the future.

paulineb_2

I dont think even with the cultural issue, you need to buy the food, if theres an assumption that you'll look after house guests and make them welcome fair enough, but its a two way street

If they are from the same cultural background as you, what excuses their awful behaviour towards you?

And if they do go home and slag you off Id be making it very clear to extended family just how badly theyve treated you

Also, theres a difference between being a good host and them sending a list of foodstuffs that you must buy

They sound selfish to the core