Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

lostinrates

Nicki wrote: »

If the email makes you uncomfortable then don't send it.

Don't let some of the responses on this thread wind you up further. You are not going to be made seriously ill by this and you will of course be able to go back to work on September! Being told constantly that this family are appalling with no redeeming features and that you are a fragile flower who will crumble under the strain isn't doing you much good I suspect.

Use your teacher training to analyse the problem and come up with strategies. You've already decided to lock your bedroom which is a good start. If you have another room upstairs put a lock on it too and move everything you don't want touched into that room, leaving your bedroom a tidy haven. If you are queried about the locks invent a lodger who has recently moved out. You don't need to come straight out and say it is them you are locking out

For drinks, put all but 5 tumblers away and all but 3 mugs. The teen will then need to pour away her drink to get a new one as there won't be enough glasses to line up. Don't sweat the waste. If she drinks it all in 3 days rather than 10 so be it, just don't replace it.

Break things up. Have them for 3-4 days then send them off in the camper an for 3-4 days and then back home for the remainder. If they want to spend time with you, plan things to do outdoors for part of every day at least. Have escape strategies for when things get overwhelming. You could go and stay with your parents for a day or two perhaps using the excuse they are ill leaving the private bits of your home locked.

Try to focus on the bits about your cousin that you do like and also her husband. Tell yourself that the 12 year old will have changed dramatically over the last 2 years and approach her with no baggage from her behaviour when she was 6. She may well have done. Secondary school has a way of knocking shape into nasty spoiled primary school age brats. You could even source activities just for her outside the home if there are local youth clubs or leisure centres running things during their visit. Or take her out 1:1 shopping or to the cinema to satisfy her need to spend time with you but in a far less intense way than sitting on your bedroom watching you dress.

I am just coming to the end of a 5 day visit from distant family and yes it was stressful and irritating at times but everyone survived and I am really looking forward to having my home back. You will come out the other side of this too with relief perhaps but intact.

Five days is the long side of ideal IMO. Long enough to grit your teeth without cracking them.

I agree, the thread risks winding miss independent up, and apologise for my part in that, tbh though, that this is happening to her for a second time (florida) makes me a little horrified.

Birdie85

Awww all I can say is good luck Miss Indie! 10 days with even the best guest would be a massive challenge for me! I understand that a) you feel like you can't cancel as it would feel mean after they've confirmed dates (no matter how forcefully) and booked flights and b) you wish to be a good host. I'd have bought food and drink too as I don't like people having a bad first impression with regards to my hospitality, but I would not be so keen to replenish the stocks after that had run out other than basics like bread and milk.

Good idea about only making small tumblers available for the little madam, maybe if you pour her drinks you can make sure that they're not fully filled and if she questions this you can explain that you've noticed she doesn't seem capable of finishing her drinks and you don't like waste? After a couple of days I'm sure this message will sink in. I like Nicki's suggestion of only having a limited number of everything available too.

I agree with the plan to get a lock put on your door 100%. Even lock it whilst you're in there getting ready etc just in case she does decide to come wandering, you can then have stern words about this wonderful word called 'boundaries' that she's now old/grown up enough to learn.

Go through your cupboards and drawers removing anything you don't want them to get their grubby little mitts on and store it all in the spare room.

The snack hamper is a great idea, be firm that these snacks only are for the family to enjoy and where the shop is should they require anything else.

With the breakfasts, well... there's no way I'd be offering/willing to make a full English every day. If only that it's horrific for the diet and makes you feel sluggish all day! Tell them where the closest greasy spoon is if they want that every day otherwise they can have cereal and/or toast.

Be firm about the levels of cleanliness expected too. Spills are to be mopped up immediately. Dishes are to be washed after meals. Used cups are not to be left in the living room/bedroom etc. Explain that you will respect their privacy and will not enter their room, but you will expect that they will not leave any plates or cups in there as a) it's just plain unpleasant and b) you haven't enough crockery for half of it to go missing. They are not staying in a hotel and it's only you cleaning the place so you expect some help.

If the girls love spending time with you so much (no matter how strange you find this and how much the feeling is NOT reciprocated) it may be worth having some plans in place for things to do with them. They may well just be bored which will make them wander and go snooping. Have a look around for cheap activities to keep them entertained and happy. Art projects, baking, a treasure hunt in the garden. There are loads of ideas about right now since everyone is in the same boat as having to entertain bored kids over the holidays!

By the way, they ought to be ashamed of how they treated you in Florida, how disgraceful that they'd feed themselves without thinking about you on the nights that you were too tired to cater for them?! Did they take you as a live-in housekeeper?! I'm genuinely cross on your behalf. :mad:

Battleaxe44

What a situation.

This is causing you so much stress, so I would cancel their visit. they are using you to save money. This will be 10 days of sheer horror for you.

I would not be providing anythng for them if you do go ahead, et them provide for themselves. What a lovely way to have a cheap holiday.

If you feel compelled to provide breakfast, it would be cereal and toast only, if they want anything else they buy it, ditto for drins, fruit, icecream and anything else.

let them slag you off whan they get home, I bet other family feel the same way about them.

Definitely cancel. I would just email them and tell them you are very sorry to have cancel ther arrangements but owing to circumstances you are unable to have them as house guests.. Stand firm on this. In fact if possible on the due date of their arrival I would not even be home. If possible take yourself away for a couple of days. they wont camp on your doorstep.

onlyroz

Seriously, put away most of the stuff you have bought and keep it for yourself. Ensure the cupboards contain enough plates and cups for one each. Provide the kids with cheap squash to drink. If they ask for something different just say "I don't keep that sort of thing in the house", citing a new diet regime if necessary. And if they ask for snacks/drinks say "the kitchen is that way", making sure that anything you want kept for yourself is locked away in your room. When they run out of plates/cups point them towards the sink or dishwasher. Provide them with a simple, healthy meal of your choice each evening if you prefer, but request that they help you with the washing up afterwards. And if the kids are disruptive or disrespectful calmly tell them they are out of order - and develop selective hearing if their father makes a fuss.

And I certainly wouldn't be cooking them a breakfast each morning, or doing their laundry. If they request such a thing then provide them with a pan, some cooking oil and point them in the direction of the local supermarket. Tell them, with a big smile on your face, that you'd quite like some bacon and eggs if they can stretch to it.

tea_lover

aliasojo wrote: »

However the saying 'this above all, to thine own self be true' is one you really should be repeating to yourself.

Also "this too will pass"

neverdespairgirl

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

All right everybody - thinking caps on!

What illnesses are:

highly contagous
and/or
very debilitating
and/or
require complete peace and rest for 10 days

Cholera?

Plague?

gingin_2

MissI just go paper. I have been having building work done overlapping with their visit at first and we had been using paper plates and cups for 10 weeks. Their visit overlapped with the end of it and so I have just continued doing it. I even wrote everyones' name on their cups with marker pens and we rinsed them out until the end of the day then they got chucked, I couldn't care less what they think. It's far better than being a constant slave to everyone. You can get disposable everything these days, all from poundland.

You need to make coping strategies because I know you will go ahead with this. Think out a daily timetable and work out how you will deal with it hour by hour. E.g, they will have breakfast at 9am, so make sure that that is your shower time. I try and make sure I have a couple of occasions of quality time with my inlaws each day but otherwise I do my own thing. I would never do it with guests who stay less than 3 days but anything over and life has to go on.

aileth

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Cholera?

Plague?

"I'm very sorry but you will have to cancel your trip, a rat ran past me this morning and I fear I may have the black death.":whistle:

~Chameleon~

People saying "cancel their visit" isn't particularly helpful as obviously this isn't going to happen. We need to come up with practical advice to help Miss I endure their visit.

I love the idea about limiting available crockery in the kitchen. One item per person so there's no choice but to wash/re-use each item.

Putting locks on bedroom and spare room - everything that needs placing out of sight/reach can be stored in the spare room temporarily. Keep the bedroom uncluttered as a haven of tranquillity to escape to.

How about decanting supermarket own brand/value items into a non-descriptive containers so the fussy little madam wouldn't know what brand it is

Good luck, think you will need it :A

ETA: Oh, and if they request a cooked breakfast then offer it as a brunch. This is what we do if we have cooked breakfast. It doesn't have to be a full-on affair, scrambled eggs, sausage, mushrooms & tomatoes don't take long to make with a few rounds of toast & butter should keep them satisfied all day

TopQuark

TBH, after reading this thread, I've lost patience with the spineless OP now. Every time she responds, it's with yet another anecdote about this family's bad behaviour towards her. Perhaps she enjoys wallowing in all this drama? Or perhaps she is a masochist or a martyr, who knows? In the very least, she has little respect for herself.

I don't buy the 'cultural' excuses either. As far as I'm aware, it's not acceptable to treat family members like dog turd in any culture.

Unless the visit is cancelled, expect to see another thread on here in 10 days time about how 'my family trashed my house and spread lies about me'.

Sorry for being harsh but after 10+ pages, it has come to it.