Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

miss_independent

Mojisola - yes I think it is to do with my age. I am the youngest in my family by far, Cousin is 39, so I feel a bit odd turning round and telling her my rules but needs must.

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

Because they are guests and I don't want to be a rude host.

Anyway the point is, they aren't using this as a holiday home. Their expectation is that they are coming to stay with family and as such, I feel I have to cater for them.

If I explained there are cultural issues at play too, does that help? Not to the extent of giving a list of what they want but part of our culture is hospitality, making guests welcome, family is everything and to charge/expect payment and also to deny having guests to stay is seen as really rude. Mi Casa Su Casa and all that.

But other family members are NOT anything like this.

ETA: When they had to stay in a hotel, they told everyone back home that they thought it was disgusting that they had to book a hotel when they had family with spare rooms here and I don't like being slagged off.

You don't want to be rude but it's okay for the guests to be rude?

I grew up in a culture where the door was always open for the extended family but those relatives reciprocated by being good guests. If one side breaks the contract, the other doesn't have to abide by it either!

Which is going to be easier to live with - being slagged off back where they live or having them in your house for ten days?

lostinrates

Florida was your trial period.

Was It successful ?

Other visits to your home have been trial periods. We're they successful?

If the husband speaks to you in that manner and asks what the problem is then I suggest you ask him to leave your home. It is extremely offensive behaviour and sets a very poor example to these young family members if nothing else, and as a family member, the most important thing you can do for them is show them what is acceptable remit.

Then you need to take some time to look at your boundaries and how they might be impacting on your own issues and issues with relating to others.

aileth

miss_independent wrote: »

Apparently the kids just love spending time with me :cool:. God knows why, because I never feel my best around them. They aren't intending to use the house as a base to explore the local area. They've said they are happy just staying in the house with me.

Maybe because you have lots of ice cream, cake, other goodies, and the parents get their kids fed and watered with expensive treats for free, as well as being a lovely accomodating host?

Dunroamin

miss_independent wrote: »

Because they are guests and I don't want to be a rude host. They have made it clear they are coming because they want to see me and not because they want to explore the local area. Apparently the kids just love spending time with me :cool:. God knows why, because I never feel my best around them. They aren't intending to use the house as a base to explore the local area. They've said they are happy just staying in the house with me. A couple of years ago, they came for dinner, then spent nearly £200 to go to a local attraction/theme park thingy the next day. At 11 o clock, they turned up at my house saying the kids got bored at the theme park and said they would rather spend more time with me and they ended up staying until 8pm.

If that had been my kids, I would have said, "We have spent a lot of money to go to this Park. We are going to stay here until 3pm and then we will go back to the hotel and call Miss I and see if it is convenient for her to have is visit tonight."

Anyway the point is, they aren't using this as a holiday home. Their expectation is that they are coming to stay with family and as such, I feel I have to cater for them.

If I explained there are cultural issues at play too, does that help? Not to the extent of giving a list of what they want but part of our culture is hospitality, making guests welcome, family is everything and to charge/expect payment and also to deny having guests to stay is seen as really rude. Mi Casa Su Casa and all that.

But other family members are NOT anything like this.

ETA: When they had to stay in a hotel, they told everyone back home that they thought it was disgusting that they had to book a hotel when they had family with spare rooms here and I don't like being slagged off.

None of that explains the way you were treated in Florida though, does it? You weren't the host in that situation but they treated you, quite frankly, like !!!!!

quidsy

Practice being assertive in the mirror. Practice telling them how you want things done in your home. Practice saying the line" my house, my rules so do as you are told" in a stern voice for the childrens benefit & the add too, who quite frankly sounds like an !!!!.

OP you really have only yourself to blame. You haven't sent the email & you still seem to be running around for them buying food & drink they want.

Are they invalids who aren't able to visit a shop themselves.?

BlondeHeadOn

All right everybody - thinking caps on!

What illnesses are:

highly contagous
and/or
very debilitating
and/or
require complete peace and rest for 10 days

that Miss I can develop in the next day or so, and use as an excuse not to have the guests?

Or... how about a bedbug infesttation ? That should do it! Cook up a story about the whole house having them, and the treatment meaning that no guests are allowed.

Or ANYTHING!

Just do not let these people into your house for 10 days ....

Nicki

If the email makes you uncomfortable then don't send it.

Don't let some of the responses on this thread wind you up further. You are not going to be made seriously ill by this and you will of course be able to go back to work on September! Being told constantly that this family are appalling with no redeeming features and that you are a fragile flower who will crumble under the strain isn't doing you much good I suspect.

Use your teacher training to analyse the problem and come up with strategies. You've already decided to lock your bedroom which is a good start. If you have another room upstairs put a lock on it too and move everything you don't want touched into that room, leaving your bedroom a tidy haven. If you are queried about the locks invent a lodger who has recently moved out. You don't need to come straight out and say it is them you are locking out

For drinks, put all but 5 tumblers away and all but 3 mugs. The teen will then need to pour away her drink to get a new one as there won't be enough glasses to line up. Don't sweat the waste. If she drinks it all in 3 days rather than 10 so be it, just don't replace it.

Break things up. Have them for 3-4 days then send them off in the camper an for 3-4 days and then back home for the remainder. If they want to spend time with you, plan things to do outdoors for part of every day at least. Have escape strategies for when things get overwhelming. You could go and stay with your parents for a day or two perhaps using the excuse they are ill leaving the private bits of your home locked.

Try to focus on the bits about your cousin that you do like and also her husband. Tell yourself that the 12 year old will have changed dramatically over the last 2 years and approach her with no baggage from her behaviour when she was 6. She may well have done. Secondary school has a way of knocking shape into nasty spoiled primary school age brats. You could even source activities just for her outside the home if there are local youth clubs or leisure centres running things during their visit. Or take her out 1:1 shopping or to the cinema to satisfy her need to spend time with you but in a far less intense way than sitting on your bedroom watching you dress.

I am just coming to the end of a 5 day visit from distant family and yes it was stressful and irritating at times but everyone survived and I am really looking forward to having my home back. You will come out the other side of this too with relief perhaps but intact.

maman

I just know you're going to go through with this despite opinions to the contrary. Perhaps, even though you don't send that email, rehearsing reasonable boundaries (in anyone's culture!!) will have helped you. I can see that the girls might be intrigued as you are so obviously different from their parents. Maybe they see you as a challenge (a bit like kids play up supply teachers). You must be strong and make sure you come out on top. You're the adult here.

First job, call a locksmith.
Second, get moving all your valuables.

Damage limitation (literally and metaphorically)!!

aliasojo

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

All right everybody - thinking caps on!

What illnesses are:

highly contagous
and/or
very debilitating
and/or
require complete peace and rest for 10 days

that Miss I can develop in the next day or so, and use as an excuse not to have the guests?

Or... how about a bedbug infesttation ? That should do it! Cook up a story about the whole house having them, and the treatment meaning that no guests are allowed.

Or ANYTHING!

Just do not let these people into your house for 10 days ....

I suspect that being 'dutiful' is the uppermost aspect in Miss I's mind.

I doubt any possible scenario would be of any use tbh, I think the visit will remain on.

Miss I, I feel for you, you must be stuck between a rock and a hard place. However the saying 'this above all, to thine own self be true' is one you really should be repeating to yourself.

Good luck with whatever happens.