Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

duchy

I think the first time Dad comes out with "It's hardly a big deal" You reply with "In MY house it is -My house-my rules" You might want to practice saying this in front of the mirror before they come.

aileth

aliasojo wrote: »

That's easier said than done for someone who might not be all that confident in dealing with people and doesn't want to cause a ruckus.

That's why it would be better (imo) to avoid the visit in the first place.

I totally agree, but I get the feeling that she doesn't have much choice now unfortunately

aileth

miss_independent wrote: »

So. Any suggestions for how to handle the drinks thing? I've actually bought some supermarket brand fizzy drinks - 4 bottles for £2, instead of £2 a bottle and thought I'd play dumb re her brand preferences. When it runs out (8 bottles, 3 cartons of Value OJ) it runs out and its up to them to replace it? My Mum suggested that maybe I should have got the mini cans or bottles instead. I should add I'm not being stingy, I only have the supermarket/value stuff myself, so I'm buying in what I'd buy myself. I've also hidden the tall glasses and only put out small tumblers so that she might actually finish what she drinks.

Why are you buying them any drinks, or any food, or anything for that matter? You'd get less in self-catering accomodation where you're paying to stay. If they want to stay with you for 10 days, they can feed and water themselves. Like you said yourself, you're not a B&B.

BugglyB

miss_independent wrote: »

Morning all,

Couple of points;

There is no other family who they can stay with here. My parents and I are the only members of our family that live in this country and my parents have health problems. My brother lives overseas so he can't help.

I would never have invited them. My cousin called and said, "We want to come over for a couple of weeks. We want to stay with you, you've got the room for us so there's no need to book anywhere. When can we come?" I was put on the spot. I did hope they would forget but they kept emailing asking when they should book flights for.

Again, I don't want them, or anyone really, knowing about the OCD. It's bad enough I've told you lot!

Dad is volatile in that he never tells the kids off but would have no problem shouting at me or anyone who "disrupted the status quo" which is, whatever the kids want the kids get. The kids never hear the word No. And they never get told that what they say is offensive. And I mean offensive.

I see this as a trial period. If they screw up, that's it they will NOT be invited back. They've indicated they want a cooked breakfast every morning and they can bloody well help themselves. I'm not a B&B. My cousin can make the lunches, I've provided the stuff.

I'd be fine with them tidying up. I couldn't live with the way things were in Florida. Plates of half eaten food and half drunk cups and trails of food everywhere. After 36 hours it was making me anxious. I can't live like a pig. When I'm finished eating, my plates etc go in the sink and I wash them there and then. They only wash up when you run out of stuff.

Thats another thing about Madam. She has a tendency to pour herself a drink, drink half and then go and help herself to another drink. So you end up with half drunk glasses of orange juice, coke and milkshake everywhere and, as she only drinks branded stuff, it works out expensive. Last time she was at my house, I did say please could she finish one drink before pouring out another and her dad walked up to me and said, "What's going on?". I explained and he said, "It's hardly a big deal is it? Just let her have whatever she wants." It's the same when we go out for a meal. She will order several drinks and finish none of them. I took them out for a meal last time and the restaurant was pretty expensive. She ordered several drinks (big tall glasses, almost pintsized) and when she asked for the fourth one, I made an excuse that I was going to the toilet, went to the waitress and said, "Please don't bring that other drink. It might make her drink the ones she already has, if she is that thirsty!". Anyway, later Madam marched up to the Manager and said, "Can I have my drink now? You do realise, I've been waiting 20 minutes don't you?". The Manager came and asked if it was ok for the Little Girl to have another drink and Madam rolled her eyes and said, "I'm old enough to know whether I want a drink or not!". I can't remember the exact figure but I ended up paying at least £10 in drinks for her.

So. Any suggestions for how to handle the drinks thing? I've actually bought some supermarket brand fizzy drinks - 4 bottles for £2, instead of £2 a bottle and thought I'd play dumb re her brand preferences. When it runs out (8 bottles, 3 cartons of Value OJ) it runs out and its up to them to replace it? My Mum suggested that maybe I should have got the mini cans or bottles instead. I should add I'm not being stingy, I only have the supermarket/value stuff myself, so I'm buying in what I'd buy myself. I've also hidden the tall glasses and only put out small tumblers so that she might actually finish what she drinks.

Feeling calmer today. I've been practicing my firm tone and calm responses.

My idea for the drinks thing is putting that pop you have bought in the cellar and when they ask for a drink say 'oh I only drink water'. They know where the tap is! (and the corner shop, presumably?)

~Chameleon~

In fact I'd have suggested they pay for all the food, including yours, in exchange for your generosity in letting them stay at your house for free.

cutestkids

miss_independent wrote: »

I know what you mean but...honestly, it would be less hassle to cook. They leave the kitchen an absolute pigsty and I don't want crap spluttered all over my white kitchen and stuff stuck to the floor. I seriously get palpitations when someone else is in MY kitchen. I'm so territorial over it it's ridiculous. It isn't worth the stress. And to be honest, in Florida they never even offered to make me a cup of tea and on the nights I got fed up and didn't cook for them in the villa they a) went out for dinner and didn't invite me and b) ordered food in and didn't ask if I wanted anything. So I highly doubt they would cook anyway.

I've decided to provide breakfast and lunch and play it by ear on a daily basis about dinner.

The bit in bold, does this not actually tell you how little they think of you and how much they are just using you, seriously do you think these people actually want to spend time with you or are they just in it for a free holiday.

They treated you like the housekeeper in Florida and are about to do it again in your own home.

Read back over your posts and imagine someone else is writing them what would you advise them to do?

Mojisola

I wonder if this anything to do with miss_independent's age? I might have got myself into this kind of position when I was younger but I wouldn't now.

If I had got caught on the hop and agreed to something that I would hate, I would now cancel rather than put up with a nightmare ten days and the aftermath.

This will not end when they go home. Whatever is done for them, they will find fault. They will broadcast their complaints about miss_independent to anyone who will listen. miss_independent will be in a state of high anxiety for weeks after their visit which might affect her ability to get back to work in September.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
(and I'm not sorry for shouting - please put yourself first and protect your life and health.)

fozziebeartoo

Oo-er......think I must be your In-Laws missing child.....

I have all the same bad habits as they do!!

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

When my inlaws come to stay, I grit my teeth.

They're nice people, and obviously my son's grandparents, but OH's mother tries my patience after about half an hour of their arrival.

They are messy. They'll use every cup in the cupboard rather than wash the same one up again, and I'll find teaspoons scattered all over my worksurface with tea pooling everywhere. They won't put dishes straight into the dishwasher, instead they'll just pile them up by the sink for me to do, or leave them in the living room/wherever they've eaten something.

This morning they made themselves some toast..fine, but left the bread out and opened so I had to seal it up again and put it away..and my ultimate bug-bear..when they have made a cup of tea, rather than put the used tea bags straight into the bin which is right by the kettle, they chuck them into the sink :mad:

Honestly it drives me crazy. It just means I have to fish all the cold soggy teabags out of the sink and then clean all the tea stains off the sink/washing up bowl..more work for me to do when I really don't need it (I'm 38 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm about to pop any day).

The other thing OH's mother will do is bring with her all her out of date food and bung it in my fridge to 'save wasting it'. I'm not talking about stuff you'd probably be ok eating a few days after it had gone out of date..I'm talking about milk that's on the turn (yuck) and old hoummous that has been opened and is 3/4 days past it's use by date...it's gross.

And if I try and politely say anything about any of the things that irritate me, I get a frosty response. I'm always pleased when they leave!

Whew..rant over!

Lucy_Lastic

Miss I - You are not going to send that e mail with the rules are you? No, I thought not.

It's damage limitation then. I think you need to concentrate on getting them out of your house for the maximum time. How long can you persuade them to go travelling in your Dad's motor home? Do you have a list of campsites ready for them? Why not do them a favour and plan their holiday for them? Away from you! They only need to stay with you for the first and last night really.

You mentioned providing lunches - make these packed lunches and give them leaflets for local attractions. Don't give them a key, say you will be back home by 5pm and you will see them after that. Make up any excuse for being out, sick friend, whatever, and if you have a car, get it out of sight in case they come back early. Can you go out to a friend's, the library, local garden centre for lunch, anywhere?
You should not have to do this, but you need to be out of their company as much as possible.

Save yourself!

miss_independent

aileth wrote: »

Why are you buying them any drinks, or any food, or anything for that matter? You'd get less in self-catering accomodation where you're paying to stay. If they want to stay with you for 10 days, they can feed and water themselves. Like you said yourself, you're not a B&B.

Because they are guests and I don't want to be a rude host. They have made it clear they are coming because they want to see me and not because they want to explore the local area. Apparently the kids just love spending time with me :cool:. God knows why, because I never feel my best around them. They aren't intending to use the house as a base to explore the local area. They've said they are happy just staying in the house with me. A couple of years ago, they came for dinner, then spent nearly £200 to go to a local attraction/theme park thingy the next day. At 11 o clock, they turned up at my house saying the kids got bored at the theme park and said they would rather spend more time with me and they ended up staying until 8pm.

If that had been my kids, I would have said, "We have spent a lot of money to go to this Park. We are going to stay here until 3pm and then we will go back to the hotel and call Miss I and see if it is convenient for her to have is visit tonight."

Anyway the point is, they aren't using this as a holiday home. Their expectation is that they are coming to stay with family and as such, I feel I have to cater for them.

If I explained there are cultural issues at play too, does that help? Not to the extent of giving a list of what they want but part of our culture is hospitality, making guests welcome, family is everything and to charge/expect payment and also to deny having guests to stay is seen as really rude. Mi Casa Su Casa and all that.

But other family members are NOT anything like this.

ETA: When they had to stay in a hotel, they told everyone back home that they thought it was disgusting that they had to book a hotel when they had family with spare rooms here and I don't like being slagged off.