Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

paulineb_2

Its too late to set boundaries with these people. All you can do is damage limitation. As I said before, if they cant afford anywhere fancy send them off to a hostel at night, they can pay, if theyve paid for the flights, they can pay for a cheapo hostel

And if the issue with OCD is still upsetting the balance of your life for goodness sake get some counselling so that if and when you meet people you do want to visit you that you can relax a bit more.

And if theres one instance of this cousins husband bullying you, even with a look, off they go.

Metranil_Vavin

When my inlaws come to stay, I grit my teeth.

They're nice people, and obviously my son's grandparents, but OH's mother tries my patience after about half an hour of their arrival.

They are messy. They'll use every cup in the cupboard rather than wash the same one up again, and I'll find teaspoons scattered all over my worksurface with tea pooling everywhere. They won't put dishes straight into the dishwasher, instead they'll just pile them up by the sink for me to do, or leave them in the living room/wherever they've eaten something.

This morning they made themselves some toast..fine, but left the bread out and opened so I had to seal it up again and put it away..and my ultimate bug-bear..when they have made a cup of tea, rather than put the used tea bags straight into the bin which is right by the kettle, they chuck them into the sink :mad:

Honestly it drives me crazy. It just means I have to fish all the cold soggy teabags out of the sink and then clean all the tea stains off the sink/washing up bowl..more work for me to do when I really don't need it (I'm 38 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm about to pop any day).

The other thing OH's mother will do is bring with her all her out of date food and bung it in my fridge to 'save wasting it'. I'm not talking about stuff you'd probably be ok eating a few days after it had gone out of date..I'm talking about milk that's on the turn (yuck) and old hoummous that has been opened and is 3/4 days past it's use by date...it's gross.

And if I try and politely say anything about any of the things that irritate me, I get a frosty response. I'm always pleased when they leave!

Whew..rant over!

Metranil_Vavin

OH's dad seems incapable of leaving the toilet in a hygenic state after use either.

I won't go into detail, but suffice to say the toilet bleach and brush by the side of the loo is never touched...

aileth

Shove politeness. It's your home not a hotel. If they can't treat it and respect it as such, out the door they go. If the husband makes you fearful, out the door they go. If he doesn't let you kick them straight out the door, phone the Police and explain you are alone with a very intimidating man in the house refusing to leave.

They should more like animals than people.

aliasojo

aileth wrote: »

Shove politeness. It's your home not a hotel. If they can't treat it and respect it as such, out the door they go. If the husband makes you fearful, out the door they go. If he doesn't let you kick them straight out the door, phone the Police and explain you are alone with a very intimidating man in the house refusing to leave.

They should more like animals than people.

That's easier said than done for someone who might not be all that confident in dealing with people and doesn't want to cause a ruckus.

That's why it would be better (imo) to avoid the visit in the first place.

miss_independent

Morning all,

Couple of points;

There is no other family who they can stay with here. My parents and I are the only members of our family that live in this country and my parents have health problems. My brother lives overseas so he can't help.

I would never have invited them. My cousin called and said, "We want to come over for a couple of weeks. We want to stay with you, you've got the room for us so there's no need to book anywhere. When can we come?" I was put on the spot. I did hope they would forget but they kept emailing asking when they should book flights for.

Again, I don't want them, or anyone really, knowing about the OCD. It's bad enough I've told you lot!

Dad is volatile in that he never tells the kids off but would have no problem shouting at me or anyone who "disrupted the status quo" which is, whatever the kids want the kids get. The kids never hear the word No. And they never get told that what they say is offensive. And I mean offensive.

I see this as a trial period. If they screw up, that's it they will NOT be invited back. They've indicated they want a cooked breakfast every morning and they can bloody well help themselves. I'm not a B&B. My cousin can make the lunches, I've provided the stuff.

I'd be fine with them tidying up. I couldn't live with the way things were in Florida. Plates of half eaten food and half drunk cups and trails of food everywhere. After 36 hours it was making me anxious. I can't live like a pig. When I'm finished eating, my plates etc go in the sink and I wash them there and then. They only wash up when you run out of stuff.

Thats another thing about Madam. She has a tendency to pour herself a drink, drink half and then go and help herself to another drink. So you end up with half drunk glasses of orange juice, coke and milkshake everywhere and, as she only drinks branded stuff, it works out expensive. Last time she was at my house, I did say please could she finish one drink before pouring out another and her dad walked up to me and said, "What's going on?". I explained and he said, "It's hardly a big deal is it? Just let her have whatever she wants." It's the same when we go out for a meal. She will order several drinks and finish none of them. I took them out for a meal last time and the restaurant was pretty expensive. She ordered several drinks (big tall glasses, almost pintsized) and when she asked for the fourth one, I made an excuse that I was going to the toilet, went to the waitress and said, "Please don't bring that other drink. It might make her drink the ones she already has, if she is that thirsty!". Anyway, later Madam marched up to the Manager and said, "Can I have my drink now? You do realise, I've been waiting 20 minutes don't you?". The Manager came and asked if it was ok for the Little Girl to have another drink and Madam rolled her eyes and said, "I'm old enough to know whether I want a drink or not!". I can't remember the exact figure but I ended up paying at least £10 in drinks for her.

So. Any suggestions for how to handle the drinks thing? I've actually bought some supermarket brand fizzy drinks - 4 bottles for £2, instead of £2 a bottle and thought I'd play dumb re her brand preferences. When it runs out (8 bottles, 3 cartons of Value OJ) it runs out and its up to them to replace it? My Mum suggested that maybe I should have got the mini cans or bottles instead. I should add I'm not being stingy, I only have the supermarket/value stuff myself, so I'm buying in what I'd buy myself. I've also hidden the tall glasses and only put out small tumblers so that she might actually finish what she drinks.

Feeling calmer today. I've been practicing my firm tone and calm responses.

ostrichnomore_2

You've got to give them the rules before they arrive. I'd send something like:

Dear Cousin,
I'm looking forward to your visit so much (butter them up a bit) and it'll be great to see you all again. To make sure everything goes smoothly, here is a list of my 'house-rules' for all guests that come to stay with me. (so it doesn't sound like you are picking just on them). These are really important to me and a couple of times in the past when guests haven't been willing to stick to them, I've had to cut their visit short, and I'd hate that to happen with you :-). So please make sure everyone in your family is up to scratch on these before you arrive and then we can all relax and enjoy ourselves. All houses and families have their own rules that may be different to mine, but as they say, 'when in Rome', so I naturally expect my rules to be followed in my home.
1) Please respect my privacy. Guest rooms are downstairs so there is no need for anyone to go upstairs to the other rooms. This also means that visitors should ask if they need something, and not just go through my cupboards etc themselves. I'm sure that this is how you would normally behave as guests in someone else's home anyway, it's normal manners, so sorry for stating the obvious here but I've met some people who don't seem to know normal 'guest etiquette'.
2) Kitchen/cooking/cleaning. I'm delighted to have you all to stay and I have bought the food you requested. Please feel free to help yourselves to those items and the snack box I'll show you when you arrive. Other food though is part of my meal plan and I'd appreciate it not being eaten without asking. Cooking and cleaning. I'll respect your privacy too and not clean in your rooms - I'll show you where the cleaning stuff is. Of course, any messes made like spillages/crumbs elsewhere in the house need to be cleaned up as normal so please use the same stuff for that. Cooking and washing up - we can either take it in turns to do the cooking and washing up on alternate nights, or we could organise it so one of us cooks and one of us washes up each night - which would you prefer? Call me lazy (lol) but I don't do all the cooking and washing up for guests that stay more than a couple of nights, and I'm sure you wouldn't expect me to anyway. Takeaways/meals out - if I get these then of course I'll include you in my plans, and of course you'll include me if you do.
3) Children's rules. When I have child visitors then these are the rules - they must keep to rules 1 and 2; destructive/damaging behaviour is not tolerated and I'll step in if parents are not supervising for whatever reason; I expect all my guests to be polite to me regardless of age - even those in the middle of grumpy teenage emo phases, which I know yours aren't of course.

Please let me know you are ok with all of this as if it's going to be a problem we might have to rethink your stay...I'd hate for us to fall out over anything.

lots of love

And when they are here, just because someone says something to you, you don't have to agree with them. You can say, no, I don't agree and repeat your point with 'in my home it doesn't work that way'. Sor for example Dad wanting bratgirl to waste drinks and saying 'it's not a big deal' say 'no, I don't agree, in my home it doesn't work that way, you finish one drink before getting another' and just walk off/remove the extra drink from child.

maman

Glad you're feeling a bit calmer today missi.

I'm sure the children are used to hearing the word No at school. You know that teachers can't just let every child do as they please. This week it's going to be heard in your home too. Go girl!

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

I would never have invited them. My cousin called and said, "We want to come over for a couple of weeks. We want to stay with you, you've got the room for us so there's no need to book anywhere. When can we come?" I was put on the spot.

I did hope they would forget but they kept emailing asking when they should book flights for.

I can understand you getting caught by the phonecall - but you had plenty of opportunity to say it wasn't on when she was emailing you for dates!

For goodness sake - for your sake - email the rules to them and hope they get the hump and don't come!

marisco_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I would never have invited them. My cousin called and said, "We want to come over for a couple of weeks. We want to stay with you, you've got the room for us so there's no need to book anywhere. When can we come?" I was put on the spot. I did hope they would forget but they kept emailing asking when they should book flights for.

Dad is volatile in that he never tells the kids off but would have no problem shouting at me or anyone who "disrupted the status quo" which is, whatever the kids want the kids get. The kids never hear the word No. And they never get told that what they say is offensive. And I mean offensive.

How to put this..... CANCEL, CANCEL, CANCEL!

Without a second thought or any guilt whatsoever.

Your cousin is exceptionally rude, so is her husband and thanks to the way they are dragging them up so are their children. Think about the state of anxiety and worry their impending arrival has already got you in. They are going to trash your home, they will treat you like dirt, you will be left feeling uncomfortable and on edge for the entire time they are with you.

In comparison sending an email telling them not to book flights and come over to see you, because on reflection you have decided they are not welcome at your home, would be painless.