Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

bagpussbear

miss_independent wrote: »

I've just baked 30 cupcakes to calm myself down. What the F am I going to do with 30 cupcakes? The kids won't eat them as they are fruit flavoured and they don't eat fruit. And I don't feel calm, I just feel anxious. I defrosted the freezer today, cleaned out my fridge, then went and bought all the stuff on their list (all convenience crap). In my head, I'm practicing what to say and the tone to do it in but I feel jittery. And the eldest is like a dog, she can honestly smell fear. I've worked with hundreds of kids and never met such a disarming child. She is very detached, unaffectionate and looks right through you like she is weighing you up. I've worked with kids with SEN, kids whose parents were abusers of the worst kind, self harmers, all sorts but this child makes me feel more uncomfortable than any I've encountered. I've NEVER ever disliked a child but I find it very hard to take to this one...and she's family.

I think I'm worried they go home after staying with me and slag me off to the rest of the family. I don't know why I agreed to them coming. Thanks for all the advice. I realise I have made a rod for my own back and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

OP I'm quite worried, having read the above, it's really going to be just too much to cope with.

How about this. Ask them if they can cancel the flights as you are not feeling well/make up something/anxiety/bad back etc and you really cannot face any company at the moment. Their probable answer is no, at which point you say ok I will book you a B&B/travelodge etc.

I just really really don't see why you feel you should be putting yourself through this. Please consider the above

andygb

paulineb wrote: »

And the reason the kids have no realisation of what boundaries are is that they obviously arent being set any by the parents.

Exactly as I see the situation, and a complete nightmare for the OP to have to put up with.
I personally would not have invited them.
If the husband is "volatile" then why is their behavious so bad, is it that he gets upset if people tell his children off?

Dovah_diva

miss_independent wrote: »

I've been given a list of what they want me to get in .

God, you are really being treated like a doormat. Stop it, right now.

This_Year

Sorry Miss I but these people are inconsiderate ungrateful parasites.
Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home?
Based on the Florida experiences, you already know how it will be.

Family IS family yet your cousin doesn't seem to want to acknowledge this and treat you accordingly. So what if her husband is volatile?

It gives him no rights to dictate how you behave or expect children to behave in YOUR home.

I would send an email cancelling the visit citing your very real worries and concerns over this - you are already in a state before they even get there!

You don't need this stress. Life is too short to let other people treat you like a doormat. Good luck hun, I know it won't be easy for you x

Goldiegirl

10 days is a hell of a long time to have house guests, even if they were were the ideal guests.

What's been described in this thread sounds like you'll be putting yourself in a situation which will make you a wreck after a couple of days, if not before.

Nothing is worth making you feel like that in your own home - tell them to book a motel/guest house, saying that you are unwell if you feel you need an 'excuse'.

You can always meet them for a couple of days out, and doing it that way you might get some enjoyment from their visit.

Metranil_Vavin

Dovah_diva wrote: »

God, you are really being treated like a doormat. Stop it, right now.

What she said ^^^

I'd be telling them to jog on if they started sending over lists of food they wanted buying...bl00dy cheek! I'd have the receipt ready and waiting for them to pay you back.

Sorry Miss I. I'm sure you are a lovely person and probably have tons more tolerance than I do, but seriously it does read like you are being taken for a mug.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I'm just wondering what they have to do before she snaps...
'Oh you set fire to the house, not to worry; I'll clean it up once you have gone'.
'Oh you have broken into my bedroom and been using my personal massager on yourself, I'll get the milton - no worries, it's all fine'.

Come on Miss I - stick up for yourself for crying out loud! Put your foot down and tell them what you want to tell them. Nobody likes a doormat...except for wiping your feet on of course.

andygb

marisco wrote: »

Your house, your rules. If your cousin, her volatile husband and their juvenile delinquent children don't like them, they can forego their holiday and go home. I am sure you are the perfect host who would make any guest feel very welcome and at ease. That does not mean that you should be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home, by people who have no manners or any idea of social etiquette.

If they were relatives of mine they wouldn't have my address or phone number let alone an invite to stay.

I would echo this, and also add that it will only get worse in the future (speaking from bitter experience;)), because they will expect this treatment and more every time.
I know that they are "family", but they do not treat you in a respectful way.
Some people think that they can treat others badly without anyone saying anything or standing up to them, and that just encourages them to push their luck more.
I very much doubt if these people have ever done anything to help you, so I would just get in touch and tell them that they cannot visit - something has come up/it isn't convenient.

gingin_2

Arrgh wrote response and lost it.

I've been doing this for 13 years now, I've got house guests here too, inlaws, who are here on their yearly visit from the other side of the world. I despise it but I do it and attempt to put a smile on my face and hopefully give them a nice time, they are family and I care about them, despite it taking quite a toll.


I have my tricks that I think I have perfected over the years, I'll try and share

I am good at asking people to do things in a polite way but really giving the no option not to do it. "could you make dinner tonight but if you don't feel like cooking you always get us all takeaway" works.

I cook really simple food now and normally I love cooking and reading recipes but I just don't bother because it won't be appreciated. I cook the most simple food possible that will cause least offence but don't really pander to tastes, it was salmon, salad and new potatoes last night, took all of 5 mins to prepare. I go up to bed before the tidying up is done too, that way those who haven't cooked have to do it, just ask them to tidy the plates and tell them that you will see them in the morning. I make sandwiches for lunch ( and nothing else). I never ask what people will like, we all eat the same and it's a case of like it or go and buy a packet sandwich from the supermarket. I also serve lunch on paper plates, then they get thrown in the bin - it's 25 plates for £1 from Tesco, so worth it in my opinion.

I do not buy "special" food. I keep my cupboards to a minimum, you'll find bread and milk in my fridge today and nothing else, if anyone wants anything else they can go buy it themselves, it's very good for the diet, I normally lose a few pounds when they are here! I stock up in the morning and only buy what is needed for what I am making that day, anything else they can go buy. I have nothing to do with breakfast, everyone can help themselves and I only appear downstairs after 9.30am ( hence me up here typing on my laptop).

I keep myself busy with my own things, I have children, so take them to visit friends, I will visit my own friends and take a bottle of wine, I usually pre-prepare them before a visit because they know how I find it tough and they are usually kind enough to ask me over

I don't really entertain during the day any more, I used to feel the need to entertain them every day but I just can't keep doing it every year, I do some things with them but not a lot now, I get brochures from the tourist info and point them in the right direction, otherwise they can spend their holiday on my sofa.

I hate people wandering about my house, in private areas. I make sure everything is catered for in their room and bathroom. I give them bottled water for night time, make sure there is plenty of loo roll and hand soap, point them in the direction of the washing machine and how to use it. That way no one needs to go rifling through my cupboards or using the excuse of needing to look for things to be nosy.

It sounds really cold and distant but it's not really, it does work. I see it that either I do it in a way that I find tolerable and perhaps cause a little offence rather than pandering to their needs and risk losing my temper and damaging the relationship permanently.

That said, I hate it. I'm at the end of my tether but thankfully they are leaving soon. I do it out of duty and will continue to do so but can feel it chipping away at my sanity and respect for them every visit. I suck it up because that is the way I am and have been brought up to be but I get the same feelings as you have - I just get a little more selfish about it every visit.

Obviously my situation is different than yours as it doesn't involve insolent kids but I get the emotional drag of it. It wears and wears you down, so you need to get it arranged and sorted before they come over, rather than let chaos take over when they arrive in a whirlwind.

Wishing you all the best

valk_scot

How much were the flights? You might find it cheaper (and less stressed) in the long run if you simply cancelled the holiday (illness, stress, broke your leg) and refunded them the money.

I'm not the shy type btw, I'd have no problem laying down a set of house rules in advance and repeating them to the family when they arrived. I still wouldn't ask anyone like your cousin's family though, I simply couldn't bear the hassle.