Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

Nicki

Does your cousin know about the OCD? Isn't that the ideal hook to impose rules without offence? Your OCD is causing problems and you can't deal with anyone upstairs in the house.

For food issues, either don't buy anything you won't share, or lock the cupboards. You can buy magnet locks for kitchen doors which are invisible from the outside and can be switched off when visitors leave. We have them on some of our kitchen cupboards to keep my own kids out.

Would a cleaner help for the 10 days they are here?

miss_independent

I've just baked 30 cupcakes to calm myself down. What the F am I going to do with 30 cupcakes? The kids won't eat them as they are fruit flavoured and they don't eat fruit. And I don't feel calm, I just feel anxious. I defrosted the freezer today, cleaned out my fridge, then went and bought all the stuff on their list (all convenience crap). In my head, I'm practicing what to say and the tone to do it in but I feel jittery. And the eldest is like a dog, she can honestly smell fear. I've worked with hundreds of kids and never met such a disarming child. She is very detached, unaffectionate and looks right through you like she is weighing you up. I've worked with kids with SEN, kids whose parents were abusers of the worst kind, self harmers, all sorts but this child makes me feel more uncomfortable than any I've encountered. I've NEVER ever disliked a child but I find it very hard to take to this one...and she's family.

I think I'm worried they go home after staying with me and slag me off to the rest of the family. I don't know why I agreed to them coming. Thanks for all the advice. I realise I have made a rod for my own back and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Metranil_Vavin

Can you not feign illness or something and put them off?

Treevo

Email them with your post above (re: rules etc) and add on that if they want to eat in, they should arrange to have a Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury's/Waitrose/Ocado order delivered for when they are here and you'll be delighted to give them a shelf in your fridge and a cupboard to store it in.

Personally, I'd make up some excuse as to why they can't come (gas leak, flood, termites, aliens etc) and cancel their visit and never agree to them coming again.

MrsAtobe

Send the email of expectations, Miss I, if they decide not to come it's a win-win situation, if they do decide to come, then it's a big stick to beat them over the head with. ( Not that I condone physical violence, you understand )

onlyroz

miss_independent wrote: »

I defrosted the freezer today, cleaned out my fridge, then went and bought all the stuff on their list (all convenience crap).

What on earth did you do that for?

miss_independent

Nicki wrote: »

Does your cousin know about the OCD? Isn't that the ideal hook to impose rules without offence? Your OCD is causing problems and you can't deal with anyone upstairs in the house.

For food issues, either don't buy anything you won't share, or lock the cupboards. You can buy magnet locks for kitchen doors which are invisible from the outside and can be switched off when visitors leave. We have them on some of our kitchen cupboards to keep my own kids out.

Would a cleaner help for the 10 days they are here?

My parents are the only ones that know and they have no idea of the extent, they think it only flares up during extreme stress as that is when I can't hide it, it's obvious that I'm scrubbing and cleaning and handwashing at those times (only twice in my adult life have I had massive flare ups). But it actually affects me every day (counting in my head, having to do things a certain amount of times, having to use the 3rd cubicle on the right in public toilets etc etc). I don't really want people knowing because obviously is totally mad (the behaviour). Literally no one has a clue. My parents didn't even know I was pulling my hair out. They were divorcing at the time and thought my hair was falling out from the stress. Its stuff I can clearly remember doing since I was 3 and I've hidden it since then. I don't want them to know and I don't want to use it as an excuse.

I'm really feeling like I'm "outing" myself now but, no, sorry a cleaner wouldn't help. Because of the way I am about cleaning, I would end up cleaning it all over again because I wouldn't trust them to do it right . I know its mad but...its just how I am. I don't even go on holiday without cleaning products.

I know I sound like a right nutter but I have literally been this way my whole life.

Treevo

miss_independent wrote: »

I've just baked 30 cupcakes to calm myself down. What the F am I going to do with 30 cupcakes? The kids won't eat them as they are fruit flavoured and they don't eat fruit. And I don't feel calm, I just feel anxious. I defrosted the freezer today, cleaned out my fridge, then went and bought all the stuff on their list (all convenience crap). In my head, I'm practicing what to say and the tone to do it in but I feel jittery. And the eldest is like a dog, she can honestly smell fear. I've worked with hundreds of kids and never met such a disarming child. She is very detached, unaffectionate and looks right through you like she is weighing you up. I've worked with kids with SEN, kids whose parents were abusers of the worst kind, self harmers, all sorts but this child makes me feel more uncomfortable than any I've encountered. I've NEVER ever disliked a child but I find it very hard to take to this one...and she's family.

I think I'm worried they go home after staying with me and slag me off to the rest of the family. I don't know why I agreed to them coming. Thanks for all the advice. I realise I have made a rod for my own back and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

Really?! There's a few toddlers I can't stand!

Loz01

Good lord I've ready all 10 pages or however many and I think I'm in shock!! Never ever let them stay again after this. I know how you feel though about families and obligations, sometimes it is hard to say no when people put upon you in a particular way. Eldest girl sounds weird but I know her type, there's one in my family!! She's 10 but looks at me in a completely mean-girl judgemental way and I'm 26. She struts about thinking she's it and its actually quite unnerving from someone so young.

miss_independent

onlyroz wrote: »

What on earth did you do that for?

Erm...cos they asked and I hadn't started this thread yet....:o

If I could turn back time I would have emailed back, "Yeah...that sounds like stuff that is easily available in our local Sainsbob's. The address for your Sat Nav is .... If you stock up on your way to my house, I will make sure I have enough freezer space for your stuff."


I did however buy all the stuff from Iceland, Aldi and Home Bargains and managed to get it all for under £60 which tbh is pretty amazing for what they've asked.