What's going on in this man's head?

Tish_P

The charitable interpretation is that he's emotionally messed up by the breakup and needs time and space to clear his head. The uncharitable one is he's manipulating you with all this hot-and-cold "let's just be friends, but let's buy a house" stuff.

Either way, sounds like you're best off out of it. Find someone who's got his head together!

justme111

Ps. In no way I.meant that he is not a good person , it is in human nature to want our cake and eat it , we need someone pointing out to us when we try to do it at someone else's expense. Shame op does not see it but we never do until we get older ans wiser

19lottie82

janthemum wrote: »

Without having read all the other replies so im not biased by them my gut instinct from your post is...
Go with it. there is obviously chemistry, he wants you, just findinding it hard to change what he thinks he should be doing.

All the ticks are in the right boxes, hes texting you all the time doing you favours introducing you to friends.

I really dont believe its just to get in your knickers!

Enjoy it relax a bit.... he has said how upset he was when u wernt in contact.


If he really cares he will be there and i believe he will.

Would you think the same, and offer this advice to your daughter, if someone was treating her this way?

19lottie82

dilemma10 wrote: »

Thank you guys for your comments, all very difficult to take in. I accept I have also been rather immature .

Last night we went to the pub for some drinks and had a takeaway together.

He sat in the bar quite confused and said he was lost. At one point he had tears in his eyes...? I asked him what was wrong he did not respond with much.

Later on we were walking back and he said 'I don't want to hurt you Gemma, give me a hug' and then he said 'Look at these houses, we should get one together'. It's all mind games isn't it?

May I add a guy chatted me up at the bar and asked me if he was my husband/boyfriend/brother, I said none of those so he came up to our table. My neighbour was not best impressed!

ARGH!

Please tell me you didn't sleep with him again.

*max*

I'm sorry for my flippant comments at the beginning of the thread OP(even though I meant it, I was maybe too harsh). I didn't mean to make light of what you are obviously going through (been there! can you tell? Ha!). I think you really need to have a frank conversation with him, as scary as it is. You can't go on like this, it's not fair. Let him know you feel confused by the way he is acting, and that you want to know one way or the other.
It'll be like ripping off a plaster. Quick and painful, but necessary!

If he still says he doesn't want a relationship with you, then tell him it's over - this whole act. Either you are together or you are not. He has to leave you free to find someone who WILL commit because it isn't fair on you to string you along!

If he really wants to be with you, he WILL come back. All the best OP! I really feel for you, trust me.

19lottie82

*max* wrote: »

I'm sorry for my flippant comments at the beginning of the thread OP(even though I meant it, I was maybe too harsh). I didn't mean to make light of what you are obviously going through (been there! can you tell? Ha!). I think you really need to have a frank conversation with him, as scary as it is. You can't go on like this, it's not fair. Let him know you feel confused by the way he is acting, and that you want to know one way or the other.
It'll be like ripping off a plaster. Quick and painful, but necessary!

If he still says he doesn't want a relationship with you, then tell him it's over - this whole act. Either you are together or you are not. He has to leave you free to find someone who WILL commit because it isn't fair on you to string you along!

If he really wants to be with you, he WILL come back. All the best OP! I really feel for you, trust me.

This ^^^^^

bobthebuilder2006

i dont think what the lad is doing is too bad, hes been honest from start, his heads prob gonna be messed up a bit, an prob doesn't wanna rush into things with anyone - wouldn't it be worse if u got together then he decided he didn't want it, just because he said he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean he's a player - id just see how it goes an try not get too attached, whats ment to be is ment to be

lostinrates

meritaten wrote: »

in my day it was called 'using' someone. and my day was the late sixties, early seventies. even then to 'sweet-talk' someone and use them for sex only was considered 'not nice'. and believe me the guys took full advantage of the girls sudden freedom to have sex. with the proviso 'I am not into relationships' they felt they had been 'open and honest', when in fact they were leading the girls on. all these years have gone by and STILL I am hearing 'but he is soooooo nice to me, we get on soooooo well, I am sure he must feel something for me'! guess what - his only feeling is in his pants - he has just learned you only have to 'charm' but claim to be coming out of a relationship and not interested in another one..........its a really cynical ploy. and used an awful lot!
every girl thinks she will be 'the one to change his mind' - in reality he is getting exactly what he wants while stringing her along in 'hopes' that because he so nice and they get along so well he will 'fall for her'. no chance because underneath - he doesn't care.

Sounds from this telling as if these men WERE being honest. Why would men in casual relationships be unpleasant, for example, or feel 'nothing'. Its possible to be fond and friendly and turned on without feeling commitment. Of course its not for everyone, but its our own personal responsibility to decide what is for us and if people are honest enough to say the don't want a relationship then however lovely they are, however much we hope differently then if we decide to enter into an arrangement with them it ha to be on the understanding that they 'don't want a relationship'.

Someone who dithers and evades might be a whole other story, but a charming but honest chap?

jenhug

Only way to find out if he does really like you is to put it bluntly, keep your legs shut.
Why would he want to be in a relationship with you when he is getting all the perks of a relationship without any of the effort or responsibility?

justme111

Sure , you are right by the book. He sees what she wants though, he knows it is and with his not sensitive comments about.buying the house and confessions about how tearful he was he gives he dies jot follow his message through. He gives her conflicting messages. One will chose to believe the version one likes best , she is in a vulnerable.position because she wants him, he should watch what he says and does so that message he delivers is consistent and unambiguous. It is cruel to do otherwise justifying oneself with "ah but I have told her I did now want a.rwpationship". Yeah he did but at the same.time.he made sure he.gives her enough hope while formally having his conscience clear. W