What's going on in this man's head?

meritaten

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I don't see that it's selfish or amoral, really - he's made it very clear that he isn't up for a relationship or commitment, so the OP can make her own choices.

Strange how you thanked my post then? perhaps you hit the wrong button?
he is selfish in that he is using her - and cynically manipulating her. amoral in that he obviously realises she cares for him - and is it just me or is it amoral to have sex with someone who cares more for you than you do them KNOWING the relationship is as deep as a saucer of milk and Knowing it isn't going anywhere. or is acceptable behaviour these days?

ValHaller

meritaten wrote: »

he is selfish in that he is using her - and cynically manipulating her. amoral in that he obviously realises she cares for him - and is it just me or is it amoral to have sex with someone who cares more for you than you do them

• KNOWING the relationship is as deep as a saucer of milk and
• Knowing it isn't going anywhere.

or is acceptable behaviour these days?

Looks to me like a 2 way street.

dilemma10 wrote: »

He has gone out tonight but he's been texting and asked me if I had a good night, I simply replied 'Not bad, been to see somebody" and he does not seem to have liked the response as he replied "Ok mate...etc", I just can't win?

meritaten

in my day it was called 'using' someone. and my day was the late sixties, early seventies. even then to 'sweet-talk' someone and use them for sex only was considered 'not nice'. and believe me the guys took full advantage of the girls sudden freedom to have sex. with the proviso 'I am not into relationships' they felt they had been 'open and honest', when in fact they were leading the girls on. all these years have gone by and STILL I am hearing 'but he is soooooo nice to me, we get on soooooo well, I am sure he must feel something for me'! guess what - his only feeling is in his pants - he has just learned you only have to 'charm' but claim to be coming out of a relationship and not interested in another one..........its a really cynical ploy. and used an awful lot!
every girl thinks she will be 'the one to change his mind' - in reality he is getting exactly what he wants while stringing her along in 'hopes' that because he so nice and they get along so well he will 'fall for her'. no chance because underneath - he doesn't care.

dilemma10

Thank you guys for your comments, all very difficult to take in. I accept I have also been rather immature .

Last night we went to the pub for some drinks and had a takeaway together.

He sat in the bar quite confused and said he was lost. At one point he had tears in his eyes...? I asked him what was wrong he did not respond with much.

Later on we were walking back and he said 'I don't want to hurt you Gemma, give me a hug' and then he said 'Look at these houses, we should get one together'. It's all mind games isn't it?

May I add a guy chatted me up at the bar and asked me if he was my husband/boyfriend/brother, I said none of those so he came up to our table. My neighbour was not best impressed!

ARGH!

tinkerbell73

I have a similar issue - met a guy on POF assured me he was over his seperation etc etc had an amazing 2 months - fantastic chemistry we get on soo well its a bit scarey. Went away for 5 days in Marbella last week had the most amazing time and have got back to a week later - i don't want a gf but do want your company (have never got on with anyone like we do - he said that to me ) and would love to travel with you again (just no benefits)but can't see a future for us as a couple (as i pointed out at 9 weeks no one can see a future)

I think the guy in the post is similar apart from he still wants the benefits there are obviously feelings but after a long relationship they don't want to jump in again. So it depends what your heart can take - personally i am not sure i can do 'friends' always hoping for a little more that is never going to be there

~Chameleon~

It sounds to me as though HE is the one that is falling for YOU, despite his intentions not to enter another relationship so soon. And HE is the one at most risk of getting hurt as he thinks you're going to go off and have a relationship with someone else, hence his hesitation!

Twice now you've indicated an interest in someone else to him and both times he's appeared upset. Stop playing games with him and TALK to him.

ValHaller

dilemma10 wrote: »

Last night we went to the pub for some drinks and had a takeaway together.

He sat in the bar quite confused and said he was lost. At one point he had tears in his eyes...? I asked him what was wrong he did not respond with much.

Either he is a blddy good actor or there is something of a rebound going on. Too much of this:

dilemma10 wrote: »

May I add a guy chatted me up at the bar and asked me if he was my husband/boyfriend/brother, I said none of those so he came up to our table. My neighbour was not best impressed!

ARGH!

and he will end up having to hate you out of self protection.

You need to sort out in your own head what you want out of this and then work out whether it is realistic in the circumstances. A casual take it as it comes approach with the odd bit of game playing is going to turn out badly. Some guys do not rise to the challenge of a female engaging with another male or - as you texted the other night - purporting to do so. Moreso if this guy lost his previous gf/partner to another man.

Acc72

~Chameleon~ wrote: »

It sounds to me as though HE is the one that is falling for YOU, despite his intentions not to enter another relationship so soon. And HE is the one at most risk of getting hurt as he thinks you're going to go off and have a relationship with someone else, hence his hesitation!

Twice now you've indicated an interest in someone else to him and both times he's appeared upset. Stop playing games with him and TALK to him.

It is worth following the above advice - you both need to be honest and open with each other.

I would also say that this needs to be done face to face and not some exchange of texts, e-mails, or facebook etc. where words and meanings can be misunderstood.

justme111

~Chameleon~ wrote: »

It sounds to me as though HE is the one that is falling for YOU, despite his intentions not to enter another relationship so soon. And HE is the one at most risk of getting hurt as he thinks you're going to go off and have a relationship with someone else, hence his hesitation!

Twice now you've indicated an interest in someone else to him and both times he's appeared upset. Stop playing games with him and TALK to him.

He as well. Every time there us a relationship there is a risk to be hurt. he ought to look after his interests , she after hers. He is going to be hurt when the caje goes away because he did want benefits without work - ah poor him , I am going to cry from compassion. Op , with all thus should we buy a house stuff he pulls the strings , it is disgusting.

System

It is worth following the above advice - you both need to be honest and open with each other.

You wont get anywhere without honesty and openness but it has to come from both sides.