nipping it in the bud

paulineb_2

Im here if you need to talk. Isnt exactly the same as undress yourself and I'll bonk you over the kitchen table.

Id do and say nothing, past insecurities may mean this is a bigger issue than it would be otherwise and you found out about this by looking at his FB messages.

You either trust him or you dont, people are absolutely entitled to have friends of the opposite sex and just because shes single doesnt mean she wants anything to be going on between them.

justme111

Ps. That's why I am not on a fb or any other social site. Too much gossip drama and intrigues by people who have nothing better to do than interpret at length.something which means nothing in their regression to high school years

tinkerbell28

Hmmm, trust is one thing. I think you should always have trust......complacency however is just as bad as lack of it.

Personally, I'd be careful. Most decent, happily married men and women don't go into an affair. Thinking, "Oh, I'll have an affair".

Usually boundaries are blurred over time. Like the rescuer and damsel in distress scenario is a popular one. Becoming confidantes over time, before you know it, they are in love. Social networking makes it easier. Then wife or husband finds out and it is a total shock. "My spouse would NEVER cheat". Truth is, for many, they never intend to, it happens over time. Boundaries were blurred and like your title says, not nipped in the bud.

I very much doubt people would be so complacent if they studied the statistics on why and how marriages break down.

I'd say you've got a intuition for a reason. I don't think it is paranoia. I also think (which people have missed) your oh threatening to walk out and finishing it as and whenever he feels like it, certainly shows a lack of commitment to you anyway. So I can see your thinking.

I've never had a relationship break up due to infidelity, so my views aren't skewed. I'd also say trust is very important. I do see why you're bothered though.

One he's not the caring/sharing type, but for her it's different. He threatens to walk out whenever he feels anyway. Sounds like a catch.

Pollycat

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I also think (which people have missed) your oh threatening to walk out and finishing it as and whenever he feels like it, certainly shows a lack of commitment to you anyway. So I can see your thinking.

I think this is possibly a very significant thing for the OP, although she said it in a very off-hand, throw-away manner.

Maybe posters could understand her reasoning better if she came back and explained a bit more.

the_pink_panther wrote: »

OP hasn't suggested that it's ok to snoop I don't think.

Even if she doesn't think it's OK to snoop, she has done so.
AFAICS she read all the text messages on her OH's phone about this woman - otherwise how did she know she'd changed her status and her OH 'liked' some photos?

And how does she know this if she's not been checking?

foolofbeans wrote: »

The woman has children, one of which is a baby but her status is single :-(

How does the OP know this woman is 'friends with several of his family members'?
She said in her 1st post:

foolofbeans wrote: »

So I asked him who is that girl and he said just an old friend. But didn't want to say anymore. She is friends with several of his family members so it is somebody from when they were younger.

So if her OH just said he was a family friend and said nothing more, how does she know there is a connection between the woman and some of his family?

Calien27

OP quick question...

What exactly are you wanting to "nip in the bud"? If she really is just an old family friend, or heck even if they did date as teens or something, do you expect your OH to not be friends with her anymore?

Also, please don't add her on FB as someone suggested, if a friends wife/girlfriend added me and I'd never met them, the first thing I'd do is ask the friend why are they trying to add me, which to the OH it would probably look like you were doing it to snoop.

justme111

She wants to nip in a bud her so having any form of contact with this woman that singles her out of mass of women he never paid any attention to /developed any.connection with.

victory

So is it bad of me that I couldn't be bothered to look through his emails/phone/twitter/facebook because it is of no interest to me and I just plain cannot be bothered?

Sure, I have a interest in OH and what he says online but if he wanted to tell me, share the jokes etc who he spoke to he would tell me? I have all the info I need, I don't feel the urge to go through his phone.

sassyblue

Pollycat wrote: »

How does the OP know this woman is 'friends with several of his family members'?

So if her OH just said he was a family friend and said nothing more, how does she know there is a connection between the woman and some of his family?

Because on FB you can see who she's friends with and hubbys family members are on her friends list as the OP said.

sexylulubelle

You checked his phone???? and now you are making a big deal out of something that sounds innocent enough....... where is the trust from your side? I would never ever check anyone elses private messages on their phone, facebook, e-mails or anywhere else because it is none of my business....... that however is my personal opinion........ and some people just cant resist snooping!

tinkerbell28

Op I think you should ignore some of the responses on here tbh.

You say you have security issues from a past relationship. You're now shacked up with a guy, who isn't the shoulder to cry on type (but is for her). Yet threatens to walk out on you as and when.

If people got off the bandwagon, and read the thread properly, they might see there is a very good reason for your "paranoia" and lack of trust.

A man who threatens to walk out and leave you for no valid reason, repeatedly is either at best, a bit of a knob, with possibly something to hide (I wonder if these walk out threats coincide with damsels in distress coming along) or at worst, is doing it to deliberately to get you all paranoid and begging him to stay.

So I can see why, after being treated like that, you might feel the need to snoop, or be suspicious. Why would you trust a guy acting like that?