nipping it in the bud

jetplane

Ah facebook and reading OH's messages = recipe for paranoid dilemmas.

Although I do agree with Fbaby the "I'm here if you need to talk" is always the classic open invite, let her find someone else to talk to.

Calien27

I'm here if you need to talk is also something said out of politeness.

I've said it to male friends and have had it said to me, it didn't start some sordid affair.

If I know someone is having a hard time but don't know what to say "I'm here" in all it's variations is usually the go to response.

Pollycat

The OP said in her 1st post that her partner said this:

foolofbeans wrote: »

It ended with him messaging to say anytime she needs to talk he is there.

and now it's turned into this:

foolofbeans wrote: »

I wouldn't have an issue with OH being a shoulder to cry on for a thousand girls - except that that isn't the sort of person he is.

It might just be semantics or me splitting hairs but I don't see them as the same thing.

jetplane

Calien27 wrote: »

I'm here if you need to talk is also something said out of politeness.

I've said it to male friends and have had it said to me, it didn't start some sordid affair.

If I know someone is having a hard time but don't know what to say "I'm here" in all it's variations is usually the go to response.

Yes your right it is not always an invite it is often meant as a genuine offer.

Prothet_of_Doom

Here's an idea. Why not get off facebook and invite her round for tea with her child. Get to know her yourself. Make her feel like you and your husband really care about her, as a friend. When you go out for a day trip, see if she'd like to come.

sassyblue

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Look, how do I put this - I know;


He is not 'making a move'.



He's said something nice and supportive to somebody. That's all. Jeez, you would have huge issues if you were part of my group of friends. For a start, you'd obviously think I was banging at least five different guys (and at least one girl) because being there for people is what friends do. Never mind if you were to read my texts, DMs and emails.


I've stayed at friend's houses overnight, I've been out for evenings when various ones have wanted to talk to somebody about relationships, issues with their exes and children, I've sat in the pub with one and coached him to get him more confident about his first date, I've given one a verbal butt kicking when he admitted he was screwing up his new relationship because he felt guilty he wasn't with his ex-wife.


I've had long FB chats with guys struggling in their relationships and encouraging them to look at things differently, understand their partner's point of view (and to talk to them).

Thinking about it, I reckon that there's a roughly 10:1 ratio of guys that have been sat on my sofa, talking about stuff they don't to others, compared to girls.

But them knowing if they want to chat, I'm around, whether in the pub, my house or online, doesn't EVER mean I'm asking them to sleep with me - and neither does the fact they're confiding in me in the first place.




So, are you going to let this drop or are you going to keep convincing yourself it's all him trying to get in somebody else's knickers?

Not sure what the point of all that is, that's YOU and your intentions. How could you possibly know the OPs hubby's intentions and if he has any?

OP if your instincts are bothering you then at this stage all you can do is acknowledge them but wait and see.

sulkisu

foolofbeans wrote: »

Thank you for summing up how I feel :T

At this point OH has done nothing wrong and I see that. But I also do feel it why it may be nothing it could end up as something.
While I will trust OH I will not be so naive as to think it is not possible for him to cheat. I'm sure many men and women would have sworn their unfaithful partner would never have done that to them.
Ignorance is not always bliss.

Trust and ignorance are two completely different things! Despite what you say, bottom line is that you don't trust him, and that's the real problem.

justme111

nodiscount wrote: »

^^^
This.
If the OP's husband is not the 'shoulder to cry on type' but suddenly becomes one I can see why alarm bells are ringing. Most affairs start with the rather benign-sounding 'I'm there to talk to if you need it' line.

Agreed. Most of those benighn things don't go to affairs though. Most of affairs strat with holdin g someone's gaze , would you prohibit your so to look anybody else but you into eyes ? Put burka on him /her? Op is not the only person on the world her husband enjoys interacting with , and o horror amongst people who he enjoys interacting with may be women ! Of course I guess she felt safe before as there was no emotional connection between him and another woman before whichighy have developed now. Well , that's how it is , it does not mean that he will prefer her to you as a partner. If you think he may then something is wrong with your relationship which.is not surprising after he left you without you suspecting anything was wrong I second what.other poster said - br nice to her and get to know her.

Gavin83

One thing I don't understand, what do you mean when you say he wouldn't tell you how he knows her?

You know she was a family friend, he must have told you that. If you asked him who she was and he said "An old family friend" how is this keeping information from you? She doesn't have to be an ex, she could ACTUALLY be just an old family friend.

I think you feel anything that doesn't fit the image you've built in your mind must be a lie.

bagpussbear

It never ceases to amaze me why people feel it's ok to read their partner's emails, text messages. Everyone is entitled to their privacy. I just don't understand it ....

In itself, what he has written is by no means a 'come on', I've often said to both male and females 'you know where I am if you need me' but doesn't mean I want to have anything to do sexually or emotionally with them, simply if I can help just shout type of thing.

That said, I am a strong believer of intuition, and I think you are sensing that your partner has a connection (albeit slight) with another female that you feel uncomfortable with.

If it was me I would do 2 things. Firstly, I would become friends with her on Facebook, if she does have desires on him, then suddenly you appear a little more 'real' and possibly a bit uncomfortable. If he has no desires, she will be happy to have a new online friend.

Secondly, I would be honest to your partner and say something along the lines of I love you very much, and when I saw your message to this girl it made me feel uncomfortable, please be careful not to get her hopes up that you might be available etc etc.

Your hubby's reaction I hope will reassure you :-)