nipping it in the bud

TeamLowe

..but you only have 'an inkling' that this woman is his first love who moved away.

so you have absolutely no reason to say that he's lying/hiding the truth about who she is because you don't know who she is!

you've made up a story in your head and you're determined that it's right.

when DH says 'oh how do you know x?' i don't go into the details as it's usually mundane so it's a reply of 'oh them? went to school with/used to hang around with in college/family friend/can't remember, they've always been around'
I'd find it weird if he wanted me to go into detail about exactly what they've meant to me whilst i've known them

the most probable reason why he didn't say 'we used to date' is because they didn't!

BugglyB

Honestly I would describe my first love to my husband as an old friend, and it wouldn't be a lie.

I don't believe you when you say you 'wouldn't have thought about it again'.

I don't understand why you have all your partners passwords and he yours.



If you ask why he did not tell you she was an ex and he says 'Because I feel you are irrational about things like that and you watch my every move', what will you say? Will you argue with him - that he is 'wrong' - or will you examine your own behaviour?

If the only satisfying answer he can give you is ‘because I fancy her’ (ie he is in the wrong, not you) then what is the point in asking the question? You have already made your mind up why.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

foolofbeans wrote: »

I wouldn't have an issue with OH being a shoulder to cry on for a thousand girls - except that isn't the sort of person he is. And there's a differennce between being there for a friend who you have known for years and suddenly being there for somebody who has appeared after 20 years of no contact.
I will try to continue to trust OH not to cross the line and at the moment I KNOW he hasn't really done anything wrong. However I don't believe that affairs start off with people suddenly getting an urge to jump into bed together. It can start off with a shoulder to cry on, a small hug, a certain look or maybe just a kind word.
It is totally my issue and I recognise that but I also recognise that I have a niggling feeling which has NEVER arisen in all our years together.
I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

What if she is just an old friend? That they never dated, never got off with one another, never slept together, never even had a drunken bunkup in the disabled bogs?


But you don't believe him. She has to have been an old flame - moreover, his FIRST LOVE.



If I had been on the receiving end of an inquisition for just saying 'I'm here for you if you need to talk', I'd be planning my escape pretty sharpish (I actually said those exact words to one guy on a FB DM. Am I putting out for him? Hardly, he lives in Australia).


As it is, I wouldn't be surprised if your next post is 'I confronted him about this and now he's changed his passwords/moved out'.

Toxicity

I have said things along the lines of 'i'm here if you need to talk' to lots of facebook friends (I say friends but most are people I went to school with and have not seen for years) mainly just to be polite after reading yet another oh woe is me facebook status, with little desire for them to actually take me up on my offer.

I wouldn't think twice or care less if my OH sent a message like that to anyone on his FB and if a little innocent comment like that to a woman has prompted such a reaction from you then I would say you have some trust issues that need resolving, because no good will come from constant questioning, nagging and checking up on him. You will push him away.

onlyroz

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

I really don't think you should do this. You've given no indication that he was being in any way sneaky in his interactions with this woman. Would you be reacting in this way if his comments had been made to a man?

I have more male friends than female ones and I would be highly annoyed and amused if hubby got it into his head that I wanted to sleep with any of them on the basis of an innocuous facebook message.

Calien27

The guy is being nice and you've built this whole other scenario up in your head.


Just because he's said he's there if she needs to talk, doesn't actually mean it's true. I have my ex on FB as we're still friends, I've told him before when he's been having a hard time that I'm there if he needs me and he's said the same to me. Nothing has ever come of it, it's usually just said out of politeness really.

Don't let what happened in past relationships make you paranoid about this one.

Calien27

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

No, no, no.

You do this and he's says yeah ok, we dated way back in the day, your paranoia is going to get even worse and probably end up destroying your relationship.

She's a friend, apparently a very old one too, he's with you now. Work on your issues stemming from your previous relationships before this one goes kaput.

marisco_2

foolofbeans wrote: »

But I do feel this situation is different as he is making the move.

Admittedly it is a long time since I dated anyone, but I don't recognise anything your husband has written to this woman as making a move on someone. As has been said many times over on this thread by a lot of posters the communication is very innocent.

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?

I think this course of action is very unwise, a bit like pushing a self destruct button on your relationship. By questioning your husband about this friend, you will be making it very clear to him that you cant place any trust in him. You will also make it obvious that you don't believe that he loves you enough to behave with integrity. You don't go giving someone you love those kind of messages, unless you really have just cause to. In this instance you don't have any reason to doubt him. I wouldn't blame him for feeling very hurt by your mistrust.

nodiscount

foolofbeans wrote: »

I wouldn't have an issue with OH being a shoulder to cry on for a thousand girls - except that isn't the sort of person he is. And there's a differennce between being there for a friend who you have known for years and suddenly being there for somebody who has appeared after 20 years of no contact.

^^^
This.
If the OP's husband is not the 'shoulder to cry on type' but suddenly becomes one I can see why alarm bells are ringing. Most affairs start with the rather benign-sounding 'I'm there to talk to if you need it' line.

Kayalana99

foolofbeans wrote: »

I wouldn't have an issue with OH being a shoulder to cry on for a thousand girls - except that isn't the sort of person he is. And there's a differennce between being there for a friend who you have known for years and suddenly being there for somebody who has appeared after 20 years of no contact.
I will try to continue to trust OH not to cross the line and at the moment I KNOW he hasn't really done anything wrong. However I don't believe that affairs start off with people suddenly getting an urge to jump into bed together. It can start off with a shoulder to cry on, a small hug, a certain look or maybe just a kind word.
It is totally my issue and I recognise that but I also recognise that I have a niggling feeling which has NEVER arisen in all our years together.
I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

Well I'm going to cross a few swords here and put myself in to be flamed but I have done one step close to you and just gone on his facebook for no reason what so ever but to be nosy.

Beliveable or not - me and OH are just very nosy people, I do trust him but I read his messages on his phone and he reads mine whilst we would sit next to each other..not to the point were 'checking up' on each other but we both just are basicly nosy :cool:

I know all his passwords but funny enough not his email to his facebook - one day he logged on my computer and left his email address in it and I got nosy and had a stoop around....

I have to admit I did feel guilty..it seemed like a step to far cause he wasn't thier with me but same time I was bored and on my own so I thought why not?

Turns out in his 'other' inbox was a message from his Great Auntie (Long story short his Dad doesn't talk to his mum or any of that side of his family) so basicly she was trying to make contact with him..and because he only ever goes facebook on his phone I basicly had a dilema....

Do I admit I went on his facebook & through his messages or wait untill he sees it? bare in mind his phone doesnt show others messages so he would of had to use a computer to see it + he would of actally had to go into his others messages as it doesnt show as a new message.

Well I guess I had to tell him didn't I. Since we have a really open relationship it wasn't that bad..he was abit suprized I had done it but same time wasn't bothered.

Just wanted to let you know your not alone & people do alot worse.

My advice though? Tell him truth..say you got abit nosy and saw it and just come out with it...the thing is your feeling insercue about this..and I think the only one who is going to make you feel better is your husband and having a good chat with him about it. You'll feel better about it, and it won't be a big a deal ..i mean why have all his phone p/w and things if your not allowed to use them anyway?