nipping it in the bud

pinkshoes

If he were my OH, I'd be pleased he was being nice to someone who needed cheering up!

If things like this bother you, perhaps you're not ready to be in relationship? ?

foolofbeans

Well looks like the consensus is there is nothing to worry about :j

I know it comes across as me being neurotic but I'm really not. In fact I'm usually very trusting. I have seen OH being hit on by another woman and he didn't have a clue! But I do feel this situation is different as he is making the move.
He has lots of old family friends on FB but has never messaged them or been reluctant to explain the history behind them. He has an ex that I know of on there and would never message her so why this woman?
I didn't intentionally snoop on his phone. He gets ebay notifications popping up so I actually went to look at that but the messages cam up and so I looked. Didn't have any suspicions until I read the message.
I have his passwords and he has mine (but can never remember them!) to email, facebook and phone and I never check up on him but I do sort out all the household things so might check his email if we are waiting for insurance docs for example.
As for how he would feel if I did the same - well the only ex partner I have as a friend is the father to my children. We get on pretty well (both us and our respective current partners) and have even been out together many times but I could still not envisage me saying to him "I'm here if you need to talk" without my OH being made aware of it.

BitterAndTwisted

He's done nothing wrong, he had no ill intentions which is why you were able to read his messages. Once he starts hiding his phone from you is the time to worry, not now.

Honestly, you sound like you are in danger of poisoning your relationship all by yourself without any help from him.

What needs to "nipped in the bud" is your behaviour, not his.

foolofbeans

FBaby wrote: »

I would be shaken too if I found my partner had written these words. The 'I'm here if you need to talk'....is such a lead on. That added to his secrecy about who she is would certainly get me worried, not because I would think he is consciously planning to get on with her, but because it is very much the stereotypical start of how many affairs go.
Saying that, what can you do? He isn't doing anything wrong so you can't start pestering him, that would only make it worse.

Thank you for summing up how I feel :T

At this point OH has done nothing wrong and I see that. But I also do feel it why it may be nothing it could end up as something.
While I will trust OH I will not be so naive as to think it is not possible for him to cheat. I'm sure many men and women would have sworn their unfaithful partner would never have done that to them.
Ignorance is not always bliss.

BitterAndTwisted

Every single one of us is entitled to a past the details of which may or may not be shared with our current partners. None of us has an absolute right to know everything about our OH's life before they met us, and it's unreasonable to expect to be told every detail, no matter how innocuous.

Being friends with or friendly towards someone in our past does not denote any intentions, either benign or otherwise.

Only a bloody fool would make a mountain out of this particular molehill. Unless we were intent on sabotaging what it is that we have now.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

foolofbeans wrote: »

Well looks like the consensus is there is nothing to worry about :j

I know it comes across as me being neurotic but I'm really not. In fact I'm usually very trusting. I have seen OH being hit on by another woman and he didn't have a clue! But I do feel this situation is different as he is making the move.
He has lots of old family friends on FB but has never messaged them or been reluctant to explain the history behind them. He has an ex that I know of on there and would never message her so why this woman?
I didn't intentionally snoop on his phone. He gets ebay notifications popping up so I actually went to look at that but the messages cam up and so I looked. Didn't have any suspicions until I read the message.
I have his passwords and he has mine (but can never remember them!) to email, facebook and phone and I never check up on him but I do sort out all the household things so might check his email if we are waiting for insurance docs for example.
As for how he would feel if I did the same - well the only ex partner I have as a friend is the father to my children. We get on pretty well (both us and our respective current partners) and have even been out together many times but I could still not envisage me saying to him "I'm here if you need to talk" without my OH being made aware of it.

Look, how do I put this - I know;


He is not 'making a move'.



He's said something nice and supportive to somebody. That's all. Jeez, you would have huge issues if you were part of my group of friends. For a start, you'd obviously think I was banging at least five different guys (and at least one girl) because being there for people is what friends do. Never mind if you were to read my texts, DMs and emails.


I've stayed at friend's houses overnight, I've been out for evenings when various ones have wanted to talk to somebody about relationships, issues with their exes and children, I've sat in the pub with one and coached him to get him more confident about his first date, I've given one a verbal butt kicking when he admitted he was screwing up his new relationship because he felt guilty he wasn't with his ex-wife.


I've had long FB chats with guys struggling in their relationships and encouraging them to look at things differently, understand their partner's point of view (and to talk to them).

Thinking about it, I reckon that there's a roughly 10:1 ratio of guys that have been sat on my sofa, talking about stuff they don't to others, compared to girls.

But them knowing if they want to chat, I'm around, whether in the pub, my house or online, doesn't EVER mean I'm asking them to sleep with me - and neither does the fact they're confiding in me in the first place.




So, are you going to let this drop or are you going to keep convincing yourself it's all him trying to get in somebody else's knickers?

pinkshoes

foolofbeans wrote: »

While I will trust OH I will not be so naive as to think it is not possible for him to cheat. I'm sure many men and women would have sworn their unfaithful partner would never have done that to them.
Ignorance is not always bliss.

But that's not trust! Trust is KNOWING that your partner WILL NOT cheat.

I know my partner WILL NOT cheat on me, and I trust him 100%.
I will never have any niggling doubt in my mind that he would, as that is not trust.

(and if I ever found out he did cheat, he knows very well I would leave him, scratching every inch of his beloved motorbike on my way out!)

pelirocco

foolofbeans wrote: »

I know it seems nothing but there is a bit of history.
OH and I were together years ago but spplit up for a few years during which time we had other relationships. We both had stayed in contact and got back together and it has never been an issue with the time spent apart.
But then I never stayed in touch with my ex bf even though we had started as friends and were good friends after we split. OH has an ex on his FB which is fine as she is married but this one bothers me as I'm sure she is an ex but he won't say. Not sure why the secrecy?

Normally I'm very trusting as I would have sworn he would never cheat but there have been two occasions in the past where I have thought things were ok between us and he dropped the bombshell they weren't and was leaving.
Never for anybody else I should clarify.

I find this a bit strange tbh , did he leave , did he say why ?

I know most posts have said they are just innocent messages , and they probably are , but its very easy to get carried away chatting away in the perfect world of the internet

The OPs husband has already left ( or threatened to? ) twice , for reasons unclear to the OP , I think the OP should just keep an eye on things for now

foolofbeans

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He's said something nice and supportive to somebody. That's all. Jeez, you would have huge issues if you were part of my group of friends. For a start, you'd obviously think I was banging at least five different guys (and at least one girl) because being there for people is what friends do. Never mind if you were to read my texts, DMs and emails.
But them knowing if they want to chat, I'm around, whether in the pub, my house or online, doesn't EVER mean I'm asking them to sleep with me - and neither does the fact they're confiding in me in the first place.
So, are you going to let this drop or are you going to keep convincing yourself it's all him trying to get in somebody else's knickers?

I wouldn't have an issue with OH being a shoulder to cry on for a thousand girls - except that isn't the sort of person he is. And there's a differennce between being there for a friend who you have known for years and suddenly being there for somebody who has appeared after 20 years of no contact.
I will try to continue to trust OH not to cross the line and at the moment I KNOW he hasn't really done anything wrong. However I don't believe that affairs start off with people suddenly getting an urge to jump into bed together. It can start off with a shoulder to cry on, a small hug, a certain look or maybe just a kind word.
It is totally my issue and I recognise that but I also recognise that I have a niggling feeling which has NEVER arisen in all our years together.
I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

Normally I'm very trusting as I would have sworn he would never cheat but there have been two occasions in the past where I have thought things were ok between us and he dropped the bombshell they weren't and was leaving.
Never for anybody else I should clarify.

I find this very strange.

For a partner to decide to up and leave when you were going along thinking everything was fine and dandy seems a very odd thing to do - especially as it sounds like he didn't have a chat to you about it before deciding to leave.

To me, that sounds like he feels like he can't talk to you about things.
And maybe that's because, deep down, he feels/knows he's being watched in case he steps out of line.

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have decided therefore (against all advice) to speak to OH about this woman and ask him why he felt he couldn't tell me how he knows her. I know he has exes and I know he has contact with them so I just need to know why he couldn't just say who she is?
Honestly if when I asked who she was when I saw her on FB if he had just answered "oh I used to date her when I was a teenager" I wouldn't have thought about it again.

Good luck with this course of action because I feel you're going to need it.
I hope I'm wrong.