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nipping it in the bud

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  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,787 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    sassyblue wrote: »
    Because on FB you can see who she's friends with and hubbys family members are on her friends list as the OP said.

    Exactly.

    The OP said she read his messages on his phone.
    That's one thing.
    But if what you're saying about Facebook is true, she's then compounded her snooping by further checking up on Facebook - unless I've got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

    To me, that's seriously over-stepping the mark.
  • VitaK
    VitaK Posts: 651 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    What needs a 'nipping it in the bud' is you going through your partners phone.
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    Op I think you should ignore some of the responses on here tbh.

    You say you have security issues from a past relationship. You're now shacked up with a guy, who isn't the shoulder to cry on type (but is for her). Yet threatens to walk out on you as and when.

    If people got off the bandwagon, and read the thread properly, they might see there is a very good reason for your "paranoia" and lack of trust.

    A man who threatens to walk out and leave you for no valid reason, repeatedly is either at best, a bit of a knob, with possibly something to hide (I wonder if these walk out threats coincide with damsels in distress coming along) or at worst, is doing it to deliberately to get you all paranoid and begging him to stay.

    So I can see why, after being treated like that, you might feel the need to snoop, or be suspicious. Why would you trust a guy acting like that?

    I actually did read and comment on the trust issues re him walking out

    But two wrongs dont make a right and if there are trust issues, they need to be resolved, or they need to split, because saying, you left me and therefore I dont trust you and want to look at your facebook messages isnt productive either.
  • nodiscount
    nodiscount Posts: 631 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts Combo Breaker
    paulineb wrote: »
    I actually did read and comment on the trust issues re him walking out

    But two wrongs dont make a right and if there are trust issues, they need to be resolved, or they need to split, because saying, you left me and therefore I dont trust you and want to look at your facebook messages isnt productive either.

    Its not as if she went out of her way to 'snoop'. She was on the loo and - lets face it, that 'task' can be quite boring - so she had a look at the phone he left there.

    OP, I was in a similar situation with a supposed 'guy who would never cheat'. He was never the supportive talkative type until he met some bint at work who started pouring out all her (non-existent) problems to him.
    I never checked his phone or anything because I wasn't interested and I trusted him. I only realised he was being cagey with his phone when someone else pointed it out. More fool me!
  • tinkerbell28
    tinkerbell28 Posts: 2,720 Forumite
    paulineb wrote: »
    I actually did read and comment on the trust issues re him walking out

    But two wrongs dont make a right and if there are trust issues, they need to be resolved, or they need to split, because saying, you left me and therefore I dont trust you and want to look at your facebook messages isnt productive either.

    I think out of all the responses, one or two picked it up.

    I think people making out that op is a paranoid loon are harsh. She hardly has grounds to feel wanted and cared for when he threatens to drop her at random does she?

    Is it any surprise given the fact he randomly drops these bombshells, she suspects things might not be all that genuine where she is concerned? He does not sound your typical caring man, yet is offering a shoulder to cry on for someone else? I don't think so.

    I also see her point, as in, you can never know. It is not possible for a single person to say, I NEVER think my oh would cheat. That doesn't mean you don't trust them. You can't control someone else. Plus if you look at marriages that break up through affairs. Most of the time, it was a happy marriage, a good person, who never intended to cheat. They get all caught up in the rescuer role and it happens over time. So considering the way she is treated by him, I can quite easily see why this is a concern for her.

    If I was op, I'd have slung him out the minute he made random threats to leave, for no reason. As that is the sign for sure something is up. Either cheating, he is not that into her, or he wanted to turn her into a paranoid mess.

    No checking messages is not great, I do understand why she has done it though, and I certainly wouldn't saying the problem is all hers here.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 29,744 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    You checked his phone???? and now you are making a big deal out of something that sounds innocent enough....... where is the trust from your side? I would never ever check anyone elses private messages on their phone, facebook, e-mails or anywhere else because it is none of my business....... that however is my personal opinion........ and some people just cant resist snooping!
    :T:)
    nodiscount wrote: »
    Its not as if she went out of her way to 'snoop'. She was on the loo and - lets face it, that 'task' can be quite boring - so she had a look at the phone he left there.

    Oh so that's OK then? If we're bored it's OK to invade someone's privacy! I'd hate it if anyone checked my emails or phone records or even looked at my snail mail. So it goes without saying that I wouldn't dream of doing it to anyone else. Do as you would be done by!
  • maman
    maman Posts: 29,744 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    If I was op, I'd have slung him out the minute he made random threats to leave, for no reason. As that is the sign for sure something is up. Either cheating, he is not that into her, or he wanted to turn her into a paranoid mess.

    No checking messages is not great, I do understand why she has done it though, and I certainly wouldn't saying the problem is all hers here.

    I agree there's more to this issue than the phone/facebook thing. OP has made out his threats to leave are random and unexplained. That's playing games in my book and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

    BUT I still wouldn't snoop. There's a good view from the moral high ground!;)
  • tinkerbell28
    tinkerbell28 Posts: 2,720 Forumite
    maman wrote: »
    I agree there's more to this issue than the phone/facebook thing. OP has made out his threats to leave are random and unexplained. That's playing games in my book and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

    BUT I still wouldn't snoop. There's a good view from the moral high ground!;)

    Easy for us to say though isn't it? If his random game playing has been a plan to make her unstable and paranoid and insecure in her relationship. It's worked hasn't it?

    So he then has even more reason to threaten her with leaving, and making her feel lucky he is still there, by all the bad snooping she is doing.

    All the time he can carry on supporting this other women with his shoulder to cry on.

    I actually feel very sorry for op, tbh.
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    Tbh, we dont know enough about their relationship to know how it is on a day to day basis, because we can all make mistakes. Ive done plenty in the past and Ive also gone back to someone who I loved but basically treated me like dirt.

    When you are in the middle of something it can be very tough to see someone as they really are.

    And we can all make mistakes. Im sure there are loads of couples out there who have gone through testing times, split, got back together and managed to work it out

    When they did get back together, it should have been a fresh start with positive communication

    And if shes not happy, she has to make decisions about leaving. Whether its his fault, her fault or somewhere in the middle, thats not important, whats important is how they move on, whether its together or separately.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 29,744 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    paulineb wrote: »
    Tbh, we dont know enough about their relationship to know how it is on a day to day basis, because we can all make mistakes. Ive done plenty in the past and Ive also gone back to someone who I loved but basically treated me like dirt.

    When you are in the middle of something it can be very tough to see someone as they really are.

    And we can all make mistakes. Im sure there are loads of couples out there who have gone through testing times, split, got back together and managed to work it out

    When they did get back together, it should have been a fresh start with positive communication

    And if shes not happy, she has to make decisions about leaving. Whether its his fault, her fault or somewhere in the middle, thats not important, whats important is how they move on, whether its together or separately.

    I agree which is probably why OP asked for opinions. BUT I'm still of the opinion that snooping is wrong and, if it were me, I'd want to come out of this episode/relationship knowing I'd acted with integrity (even if he hadn't).
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