nipping it in the bud

foolofbeans

Pah the colour didn't work.
Thank you to all who gave constructive advice.
I knew it was a can of worms with the thread and to those who think I am controlling, needy, paranoid, sneaky etc I respect what you think but it is based on a few posts by me and I know myself better than that so don't be offended when I disregards your comments.
I have taken on board your thoughts and I will examine my behaviour but I do feel people should not assume things based on a few posts. I have now spoken to a close friend who knows both of us and she thinks it is odd. But then she has been cheated on years ago so I suppose she is needy, paranoid and clingy too. All she said was to not worry about this matter but if I have an intuition I should take heed.

Watto30

OP I hope things work out for you and that the messages are just innocent and it all blows over, I thought long and hard about posting as seems to be a few mixed messages on here and i dont feel you are truly getting the support you were after with your first post

When your intuition is telling you something is not right its very hard to switch off to that and ignore it and you have been with your OH for a long time you just know when something feels odd, for those berating you for snooping and for those who can hand on heart say their OH would 100% never cheat I can only assume they have not had the heartbreak of being lied to by someone you trust with all your heart and the thought of someone you love doing things behind your back. I once snooped on an ex and was justified in doing so as found a number on his phone and rung it only to get through to an escort agency, he was as nice as pie treated me well blah blah blah but was a complete and utter liar and doing all sorts with anything that moved behind my back so in that respect I think the snooping was fair game as had I not caught him out when I did I dread to think what I could have ended up with!


Just wanted to add that if you do decide to talk to your partner about this in the near future it can go one of two ways either he will reassure you that nothing is amiss and life can go back to normal or he will become more secretive and start hiding stuff with the view that he doesn't want the aggro of you going on at him if he talks to this woman again etc


I hope things work out for you and you get the reassurance from the OH that it really is nothing

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

I will not 'snoop' again either. Until I feel OH is lying to me. And to all the questioners of "how do I know he is lying and it's not just paranoia?" well I just do. because I know OH. The same way he would know if I was lying.
I will then check his messages to see if further contact has been made. After reading all the posts accusing me of being a paranoid, insecure, needy woman though I will probably be more reluctant to do so at the first stage. Hopefully I will find that all you posters are correct and I was being the paranoid, insecure, needy woman you think I am (which is pretty laughable as it is so far from the truth!!)

I think, regardless of your 'good' intentions, you will snoop again because you've allowed yourself to believe that there is something that needs 'nipping in the bud'.

Have you asked yourself what your OH would think if he could read your posts on this thread and the replies you've had?

foolofbeans wrote: »

Pah the colour didn't work.
Thank you to all who gave constructive advice.
I knew it was a can of worms with the thread and to those who think I am controlling, needy, paranoid, sneaky etc I respect what you think but it is based on a few posts by me and I know myself better than that so don't be offended when I disregards your comments.
I have taken on board your thoughts and I will examine my behaviour but I do feel people should not assume things based on a few posts. I have now spoken to a close friend who knows both of us and she thinks it is odd. But then she has been cheated on years ago so I suppose she is needy, paranoid and clingy too. All she said was to not worry about this matter but if I have an intuition I should take heed.

I hope your intuition takes you where you want to go.

Like it or not, people make assumptions based on what other posters write - it's the only thing they have to go on.
And in your very first post you did say:

foolofbeans wrote: »

I was after opinions on how to handle a non situation :rotfl:

What do I do? I know it's my insecurities but I don't know whether to say anything to him or just leave it and see what happens.

So don't be too surprised when people do give their opinions and tell you what they think you should do. :cool:

Pechow

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have taken on board your thoughts and I will examine my behaviour but I do feel people should not assume things based on a few posts.

Wasn't this exactly what you were doing?

nodiscount

I feel sorry for the OP.
I do think she has been judged harshly. What's wrong with looking at a partner's FB? You live together, shaire beds, share bodies but you are not allowed to touch their phone? If you love someone aren't you naturally interested in their stuff? I don't mean stalking or snooping btw.

Guest101

foolofbeans wrote: »

Pah the colour didn't work.
Thank you to all who gave constructive advice.
I knew it was a can of worms with the thread and to those who think I am controlling, needy, paranoid, sneaky etc I respect what you think but it is based on a few posts by me and I know myself better than that so don't be offended when I disregards your comments.
I have taken on board your thoughts and I will examine my behaviour but I do feel people should not assume things based on a few posts. I have now spoken to a close friend who knows both of us and she thinks it is odd. But then she has been cheated on years ago so I suppose she is needy, paranoid and clingy too. All she said was to not worry about this matter but if I have an intuition I should take heed.

Thats the point of this board though, to get opinions from others. we can only give opinions on the information we have.

Your OH could be cheating on you, we dont know him or you, and anything is possible.
BUT: based on the information you have given us, the majority dont believe this is the case. Myself included.

Like you say you take on board others opinions and make your own judgement, which is exactly what the intention of these forums are. We cant make decisions for you.

In response to my post, you said this isn't a friend. Well i would disagree, there are people in life, who you may not see for years, and whilst somethings change. You can still talk to them and listen and get on, just like the good old days. I've not seen my cousin in 4 years, but i know when i visit next time, we'll get on like we always have (and u dont get to pick family ).

The point i was making about passwords etc, is that your OH doesnt feel the need to go on your facebook. which is why he hasnt asked. What if he did this evening, you have nothing to hide, and you would happily prove that to him. But would you not be offended that he even had to ask? Trust isnt build on that, it's built on a mixture of fact and emotion.

You may feel he has betrayed that trust, and the general advice is go with your gut. But based solely on what you have shared with us, this isn't the behaviour of a person who has something to hide.

vanessav

''I am here if you need to talk' usually means exactly that. However, there are times when people say this to someone who they think is a sexual possibility. An intimate chat is a good starting point for an intimate relationship. At the risk of sounding cynical and flame-worthy, over the years I have witnessed good looking people being offered a shoulder to cry on more often than the less physically beguiling.
The OP's partner could be offering to 'be there' for a number of reasons - very likely just to be friendly or he just typed a platitude into Facebook because he couldn't think of anything else to say. But if the OP suspects a sexual motive it doesn't necessarily make her a needy nutter!

Wickedkitten

nodiscount wrote: »

I feel sorry for the OP.
I do think she has been judged harshly. What's wrong with looking at a partner's FB? You live together, shaire beds, share bodies but you are not allowed to touch their phone? If you love someone aren't you naturally interested in their stuff? I don't mean stalking or snooping btw.

Being in a relationship with someone does not mean that you have to joined at the hip and doesn't mean that the other person has to share 100% of everything with you. Obviously if it is something like the fact that they are 40k in debt then that is something that needs to be addressed, but who they are talking or not talking to on facebook really wouldn't even come into it unless you don't trust your partner.

Also this isn't just looking at your partners facebook, it's going through their messages.

nodiscount

Wickedkitten wrote: »

Being in a relationship with someone does not mean that you have to joined at the hip and doesn't mean that the other person has to share 100% of everything with you. Obviously if it is something like the fact that they are 40k in debt then that is something that needs to be addressed, but who they are talking or not talking to on facebook really wouldn't even come into it unless you don't trust your partner.

Also this isn't just looking at your partners facebook, it's going through their messages.

She said the message made the phone 'ping' when she was in the loo. I don't think that demonstrates the same intent as her going through all his messages.

Wickedkitten

nodiscount wrote: »

She said the message made the phone 'ping' when she was in the loo. I don't think that demonstrates the same intent as her going through all his messages.

The message notification might have popped up on the screen but she even says herself that she went through the messages.

I was on the loo the other day and OH had left his phone in there so I had a look (I know his passcode and he knows mine). In the messages were a few from a woman off Facebook, she had obviously made a status and he had messaged her.