nipping it in the bud

Pollycat

I also commented on the OP's trust issues re him walking out

There's been recent posts mentioning 'random and unexplained' threats to leave.

The OP actually said it happened twice and we have no idea how long a period those 2 times covered.

As for 'unexplained, we don't actually know if - after the OP and her OH talked over the sudden bombshell (let's hope she did get to the bottom of why she felt everything was hunky-dory but he obviously didn't think the same) - it remains 'unexplained' for the OP.

It is unexplained for us because the OP hasn't told us.

We don't know if the threats to leave that he made were random, with no reason behind them.
We don't know that it's game-playing.
It may be that the OP's partner tried to make her aware of what was wrong but she carried on blithely in denial.

That's the whole point - we don't know.
People are attributing all sorts of things to both parties that may or may not be accurate.

I did comment earlier on the off-hand way the OP mentioned these 2 occasions, almost as an after-thought.

I don't think the OP is a paranoid loon.
I do think she has behaved pretty badly by checking out his text messages and checking up on Facebook.

anon123456

I may have missed one but i havent seen a male response to this question.

OP: If my wife had reacted as you had over the most innocuous comment ever - i would run so far so fast from that bunny boiler you'd see a trail of smoke.

His comments were nice and friendly. Not flirtatious. He knows you have access to his facebook so would assume you had no issue with any of his comment. (which a sane person wouldn't)

no where in what you have told us does it show a man who can't be trusted looking for an affair.
What it does show is an insecure woman who doesnt trust her partner.

I'm not usually so blunt but i can only hope the OP's partner finds this and challenges her, as he is in a toxic relationship which needs to be resolved one way or the other.

I wish you both the best in resolving issue

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

anon123456 wrote: »

I may have missed one but i havent seen a male response to this question.

OP: If my wife had reacted as you had over the most innocuous comment ever - i would run so far so fast from that bunny boiler you'd see a trail of smoke.

His comments were nice and friendly. Not flirtatious. He knows you have access to his facebook so would assume you had no issue with any of his comment. (which a sane person wouldn't)

no where in what you have told us does it show a man who can't be trusted looking for an affair.
What it does show is an insecure woman who doesnt trust her partner.

I'm not usually so blunt but i can only hope the OP's partner finds this and challenges her, as he is in a toxic relationship which needs to be resolved one way or the other.

I wish you both the best in resolving issue

I agree and would be doing the same thing. Who knows? Maybe he leaves because he's had enough of being checked up on, or doesn't do the shoulder crying thing for the OP because it's always the same old stuff about how awful the ex was and why he has to provide all his passwords, if he really cared he wouldn't have a problem with it, where is he, what is he doing, who is this woman on facebook that knows your family, why won't you admit she was your first love, you know I have to know these things because my ex did....etc.



Mind you - there is also the possibility of, having been found guilty of planning an affair and needing to be brought back to heel like a bloody dog by 'nipping it in the bud', he may decide 'may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb'. I know that crossed my mind many, many times after years of clingy, controlling whining crap from my ex - I never did, I just eventually left him for good.

vickys8722

Hi Foolofbeans. I don't think over-analysing facebook to such an extent is helpful to anyone, for instance if your OH had said this to a female colleague over the water cooler - his work mate confides in him about feeling like the less favoured parent, and your OH offered a nice comment, would you be just as worried as now?

I understand that you saw his phone and accessed it, perhaps you can talk to him about his friend a little bit, just very neutral chat to get a few more facts, once you confront him you may be in a better position to judge how you feel; jealous/ reassured / fine / indifferent.

Trust is a big issue, if he is 'innocent' in his conversations with her, he'll probably just try smile and say you've absolutely nothing to worry about , if he gets on the defensive and calls you jealous and irrational, he could be hiding something, or he may just feel a bit offended that you're doubting him. Tricky one, I hope all works out and you get the reaction you were hoping for xx

foolofbeans

I think it's best I clarify a few things.
I have NEVER had a trust issue previously. I mentioned my ex partner cheating on me to show that I had a niggling feeling something was wrong and I had never acted on it. Only to find out later he was having an affair.
I have never brought those trust issues into subsequent relationships. Just over a week ago I would have sworn OH was the faithful, dependable type.
I mentioned his leaving twice before but this was a long time ago. we had been together and got into a habit of having dramatic fallouts and getting back together. Hence the separation for a few years. We both grew up and decided what we wanted from a relationship and there has not been an issue in the decade we have since been together. I did mention his leaving though to show that both times he had left was when things weren't great between us but I was oblivious to how bad they actually were. Even now I look back and can't see how it was THAT bad but then I don't know what goes on in OH's head and his view of the situation was obviously worse than mine.
As for the "snooping" - I was not intentionally snooping. Although we both have each others passwords that is not because I have demanded it that way, it just so happened we have accessed each others emails or facebook for one reason or another. My passwords are varied but OH tends to have 1 for everything so I easily remember it. I doubt he would object to me looking at his phone as I don't object to him looking at mine. But we never usually do so.
I looked at his phone as an notificaiton popped up. It was something I was watching on ebay so I checked the ending time. And I then checked FB not to check up on him but to see what was happening on there as the majority of friends are mutual.
And that's when I saw the messages.

foolofbeans

My thread about 'nipping it in the bud' was not that I thought at this stage OH had done anything wrong. He doesn't have to tell me every single thing about his day or who he has spoken to despite what PP seem to think I demand :rotfl:
The thread was merely to court opinion on what, if anything, I should do at this stage.
I know it would take a thousand variables to get to an affair stage but I don't want to wait until that happens before I fight for my marriage. The majority seem to think I should do nothing so I will do that. I will stop being complacent and will make more of an effort as I suppose I have let some things go and this might make me feel more insecure than I normally would feel.
I will not 'snoop' again either. Until I feel OH is lying to me. And to all the questioners of "how do I know he is lying and it's not just paranoia?" well I just do. because I know OH. The same way he would know if I was lying.
I will then check his messages to see if further contact has been made. After reading all the posts accusing me of being a paranoid, insecure, needy woman though I will probably be more reluctant to do so at the first stage. Hopefully I will find that all you posters are correct and I was being the paranoid, insecure, needy woman you think I am (which is pretty laughable as it is so far from the truth!!)

Guest101

foolofbeans wrote: »

I think it's best I clarify a few things.
I have NEVER had a trust issue previously. I mentioned my ex partner cheating on me to show that I had a niggling feeling something was wrong and I had never acted on it. Only to find out later he was having an affair.
I have never brought those trust issues into subsequent relationships. Just over a week ago I would have sworn OH was the faithful, dependable type.
I mentioned his leaving twice before but this was a long time ago. we had been together and got into a habit of having dramatic fallouts and getting back together. Hence the separation for a few years. We both grew up and decided what we wanted from a relationship and there has not been an issue in the decade we have since been together. I did mention his leaving though to show that both times he had left was when things weren't great between us but I was oblivious to how bad they actually were. Even now I look back and can't see how it was THAT bad but then I don't know what goes on in OH's head and his view of the situation was obviously worse than mine.
As for the "snooping" - I was not intentionally snooping. Although we both have each others passwords that is not because I have demanded it that way, it just so happened we have accessed each others emails or facebook for one reason or another. My passwords are varied but OH tends to have 1 for everything so I easily remember it. I doubt he would object to me looking at his phone as I don't object to him looking at mine. But we never usually do so.
I looked at his phone as an notificaiton popped up. It was something I was watching on ebay so I checked the ending time. And I then checked FB not to check up on him but to see what was happening on there as the majority of friends are mutual.
And that's when I saw the messages.

And if you didnt have any trust issues, you would've thought: ah that's nice, hope his friend is ok. and moved on.

Instead you register on a forum, title something 'nipping igt in the bud' and go on to show, quite clearly, you have serious trust issues. But instead of acknowledging these, and accepted that it is YOU who has the issues and needs to resolve it, make out like your OH is hiding something.

I'm not surprised if he is to be honest, if this is your reaction to a simple facebook message. What would it be to something improtant.

Open and honest works both way, if you want to know whats in his head, you need to do the same with him.

Notice how he has 1 password for everything, and you know it. If he had something to hide, woul he not start to change these?

Meanwhile you have 10 (?) passwords, i bet he doesnt have a list to get onto each one.

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

Just over a week ago I would have sworn OH was the faithful, dependable type.

And do you really, really in your heart-of-hearts feel that what he has 'done' should change your opinion of him?

foolofbeans wrote: »

I mentioned his leaving twice before but this was a long time ago. we had been together and got into a habit of having dramatic fallouts and getting back together. Hence the separation for a few years. We both grew up and decided what we wanted from a relationship and there has not been an issue in the decade we have since been together. I did mention his leaving though to show that both times he had left was when things weren't great between us but I was oblivious to how bad they actually were. Even now I look back and can't see how it was THAT bad but then I don't know what goes on in OH's head and his view of the situation was obviously worse than mine.

I think you've been somewhat specious with the truth.
A number of posters believed that your OH was game-playing etc etc and now you say it was years ago and before you got together 10 years ago.

foolofbeans wrote: »

As for the "snooping" - I was not intentionally snooping. Although we both have each others passwords that is not because I have demanded it that way, it just so happened we have accessed each others emails or facebook for one reason or another. My passwords are varied but OH tends to have 1 for everything so I easily remember it. I doubt he would object to me looking at his phone as I don't object to him looking at mine. But we never usually do so.
I looked at his phone as an notificaiton popped up. It was something I was watching on ebay so I checked the ending time. And I then checked FB not to check up on him but to see what was happening on there as the majority of friends are mutual.
And that's when I saw the messages.

Why would your OH have the same password so you can easily remember it?
Unless you wanted it that way.

Would a ebay notification on something you were watching 'pop up' on his phone?
Genuine question as OH and I don't have this sort of relationship.

Wickedkitten

foolofbeans wrote: »

As for the "snooping" - I was not intentionally snooping. Although we both have each others passwords that is not because I have demanded it that way, it just so happened we have accessed each others emails or facebook for one reason or another. My passwords are varied but OH tends to have 1 for everything so I easily remember it. I doubt he would object to me looking at his phone as I don't object to him looking at mine. But we never usually do so.

So he didn't give it to you but you have remembered it from accessing his accounts? And he doesn't know you actually look at his phone, you just assumed that he wouldn't mind because you wouldn't mind if he looks at yours? Umm...

I looked at his phone as an notificaiton popped up. It was something I was watching on ebay so I checked the ending time. And I then checked FB not to check up on him but to see what was happening on there as the majority of friends are mutual.
And that's when I saw the messages.

Uh huh, so you were checking his facebook because you wanted to see what your friends are up to and just happened to look in his messages? Right.

We sit together when online and so he can see what I put and I can see what he puts.

He can see what you put, however by the sound of it, you are actively looking at what he puts.

I feel threatened as he never usually comments unless it's his workmates and I've never known him to private message somebody without my knowledge.

Are you sure you don't have trust not to mention control issues?

foolofbeans

Pollycat wrote: »

I think you've been somewhat specious with the truth.
A number of posters believed that your OH was game-playing etc etc and now you say it was years ago and before you got together 10 years ago.
Not sure what "specious" means but just because posters ASSUME does not make it so - hence the clarification
Why would your OH have the same password so you can easily remember it?
Unless you wanted it that way.
[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]He doesn't have the same password so I can remember it, it's so HE can remember it. I have never asked him for his password he has usually given it to me so I could do something for him e.g type something as I am quick and he is still a one-finger typist.[/COLOR]
Would a ebay notification on something you were watching 'pop up' on his phone?
Genuine question as OH and I don't have this sort of relationship.

[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]Yes on a smartphone if you add the ebay app. He sees what I buy or look at. Because we don't have secrets.[/COLOR]

Guest101 wrote: »

And if you didnt have any trust issues, you would've thought: ah that's nice, hope his friend is ok. and moved on.
Instead you register on a forum, title something 'nipping igt in the bud' and go on to show, quite clearly, you have serious trust issues. But instead of acknowledging these, and accepted that it is YOU who has the issues and needs to resolve it, make out like your OH is hiding something.
I'm not surprised if he is to be honest, if this is your reaction to a simple facebook message. What would it be to something improtant.
Open and honest works both way, if you want to know whats in his head, you need to do the same with him.
Notice how he has 1 password for everything, and you know it. If he had something to hide, woul he not start to change these?
Meanwhile you have 10 (?) passwords, i bet he doesnt have a list to get onto each one.

[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]It's not a friend though. It's somebody he hasn't had contact with for over 20 years. If it was the ex who he is friends with I wouldn't have thought twice about it but it just seemed odd he would be so understanding of somebody's issues when he doesn't really know them anymore.
He doesn't have a 'list' of my passwords but he can log onto my pc anytime and get onto FB. He just doesn't remember passwords/codes but can have mine anytime he asks.[/COLOR]

Wickedkitten wrote: »

So he didn't give it to you but you have remembered it from accessing his accounts? And he doesn't know you actually look at his phone, you just assumed that he wouldn't mind because you wouldn't mind if he looks at yours? Umm...
[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]He has given it to me, he knows I know it. I have looked at his phone before, he has looked at mine. Not in a "I'm checking up on you" sort of way but just to look and maybe pass a message on or deal with it ourselves.[/COLOR]
Uh huh, so you were checking his facebook because you wanted to see what your friends are up to and just happened to look in his messages? Right.
[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]Right.[/COLOR]
He can see what you put, however by the sound of it, you are actively looking at what he puts.
[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]It shows up on either of our news feeds anyway. Usually if we are on FB we are sat next to each other on the couch. Me on the pc and him on his phone. Isn't that hard to see when we glance over while we chat to each other.[/COLOR]
Are you sure you don't have trust not to mention control issues?

[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]Pretty sure thanks.[/COLOR]