Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

pukkamum wrote: »

Yes all his wives were younger than him and definate trophies, his charm, looks and intelligence hooked them in but then his real personality took over and they all left him.
Obviously this is becuase of their failings not his, and each one screwed him over in some way.
I spent many many years feeling unloved by him and a cruel stepfather, I gained huge amounts of weight and was crippled with self doubt.
Then my stepfather died and with it a weight was lifted from my shoulders as I knew I was never going to get the love, apology or explanation from him that I was deperate for and this in time made me realise I was never going to egt it from my father either.
Only you can change how you feel, you have to decide if you are going to let this man ruin your entire life and if so to what end, so on your deathbed, you can rage about the injustice of it all and blame everything that went wrong on this one man?
The only power he has over your life is the power you give him, and by living your life in a bubble of self pity, guilt and upset you give him more power than he actually has and are proving evry scathing putdown he ever gave you.
For your own sake cut him out, take back the control and sort yourself out, prove to him that you can be happy in spite of all his attempts to belittle and upset you otherwise put up and shut up.
I know that sounds harsh but what else can be done?

I know your last point is rhetorical - but, have I said something to warrant the "put up and shut up".....?

I cannot act immediately on advice that has only been given in the last day

But will be doing as I for sure do not want to be on my deathbed whinging about all of this, you're right there

GotToChange

ecgirl07 wrote: »

on the body image front - if you have doubled or even trebled from a new look size 4 to a new look size 12 i imagine most folk would say you are looking well :beer:

serioulsy GTC you put a negative spin on everything. How many msers who were size 4 in their youth are still size 4 come middle age?

and as for having beyond b boobs embrace it :beer: shoulders back chest out take on the world head and chest held high!

I was a size 4 (and notespecially proud of it as I am 5'7" and looked terrible, I was just saying how the weight gain has affected me and partly why......) about four years ago, making me a youthful 48

And I am quite simply not used to being big-busted - and I find it affecting some of the activites that I used to so without having to consider (how many and which?) sports bras and extra reinforcement.



(If I was size 4 and 8.5 stone, then trebling would actually be off the charts as, as I'm sure you know, a dress size is approx 10lbs so 3 x size 4 is not actually size 12. Would be nice though.....)
I am really not trying to put a negative spin on things - but I an unable to be Pollyanna too; that would be plain daft.

bossymoo

Couple of questions for you to consider, no need to reply to them on here:

What do you want out of life? In 5years time, where do you want to be?
How many years have you wasted on this man? How many relationships has it tarnished?
Do you deserve to be happy? If not why not? Do you have a real, valid reason?
How many more years are you prepared to be unhappy?
And here is the real toughie: if he was dying, and you were with him, what would you want to say, that would ensure you both had closure from this?


Perhaps if you spent some time focussing on the things you can control, you won't feel quite so compelled to linger over something you can't.

I watched my husband aged 35 die from cancer. It was a short, unexpected illness. We none of us know how much time we have left. This is not a dress rehearsal. Get out there and grab life by the b@lls before its too late. You have a chance of a life, many people are denied that. Will you waste any more of it on him?

CookieMonsta

GotToChange wrote: »

Thank you for eveything you have said....
I know I should follow through with trying to get some help - am just worried, based on my previous experiences.

Thank you too for saying that I sound "lovely and intelligent".... maybe not so much in real life?? (And I do wish that my father could see that too....)

I have wasted so much time and emotion - but could not have stopped myself.
:embarasse

You're wasting so much energy on beating yourself up. Imagine what you could do if you re-directed all that energy!

A counsellor will help you change the way you think so you don't have all these negative thoughts. They cascade so quickly and become automatic and drag you down by draining your energy.

For example;

When I'm in a depressive state and my boss blanks me in the corridor. I think "she ignored me, she's not talking to me, she must hate me". Then "I bet everyone else hates me too". Then "I'm going to lose my job because they think I'm horrible". I avoid my boss for the rest of the day. This causes me to make myself ill with stress and I have to have a week off work.

When in non-depressive state and my boss blanks me in the corridor. I think "oh dear she's having a bit of an off day, maybe something's bothering her, I'll ask her later if she's ok". I later ask her if she's ok and she tells me that she's worried about her cat who is really ill. We have a chat about it and both feel better afterwards.

You can't change what other people do, in both cases the exact same thing happened. You can only change your thoughts and therefore your reactions and actions. And therefore your LIFE!

pukkamum

GotToChange wrote: »

I know your last point is rhetorical - but, have I said something to warrant the "put up and shut up".....?

I cannot act immediately on advice that has only been given in the last day

But will be doing as I for sure do not want to be on my deathbed whinging about all of this, you're right there

No you haven't said anything to make me think you want to put up and shut up, I am only showing how this can only go either of two ways, putting an end to it drawing a line or by living with it, I really hope you can put an end to it.

I could cry buckets for the little girl that I was, lay in bed sobbing because I had been told he was leaving my mum because he could not stand being near me, or to shut up a-hole nobody is interested in what you have to say, being made to sit outside in the garden when we had guests because of my attention seeking.

There was a time when I couldn't even think about all that without sinking into despair but now I just feel sorry for that little girl and determined that I would never make any of my children feel that way and in a way I like to think that going through that has made me a stronger person with a strong sense of right and wrong and for that I am glad.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

GotToChange wrote: »

I know your last point is rhetorical - but, have I said something to warrant the "put up and shut up".....?

I cannot act immediately on advice that has only been given in the last day

But will be doing as I for sure do not want to be on my deathbed whinging about all of this, you're right there

This is not the first time people have advised you to step away from the strange dad relationship and move on with your life.

GotToChange

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

This is not the first time people have advised you to step away from the strange dad relationship and move on with your life.

Do you mean, in this thread? Or on previous occasions?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2656715

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2141781

There's two for starters

MakeupAddict_2

Even without Ribena highlighting your previous threads, it's become obvious as this has gone on that it's about much more than storing a few emails. As you've posted more, it's shown how dreadfully damaged you are by your past, how much it dominates your adult life and how hard you are struggling to let it go.

You were horribly abused as a child. Not physically or sexually, but emotionally. Look at this definition of emotional abuse from ASCA (Adults Surviving Child Abuse)

"Emotionally abusive parents practice forms of child-rearing that are orientated towards fulfilling their own needs and goals, rather than those of their children."

That seems to be a perfect summary of what happened to you. As a narcissist, your father was almost bound to behave in that way because he can't be anything else. Although there are a number of personality types (it would be boring if we were all the same), the narcissist falls so far outside the normal range that it is classed as a personality disorder.

As a child you have no choice but to be affected by his behaviour. He is the adult, the authority figure. And sometimes the victim doesn't even realise just how badly they are being abused, that not everyone's parents behave the same way. So you learn in childhood that you have no worth, that your needs don't count. But because humans crave affection and security, you keep trying to please, to gain attention and love, and every time it doesn't happen, although your heart is crying, you try again and again.

As an adult you do have a choice, but it's often difficult to see that you do, because you are so conditioned by your past. You can do it, but it's hard. Emotional abuse isn't written about as often as physical or sexual abuse, but one writer is Andrew Vachss, who says: (sorry, this is going to make it a long post....)

Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn to self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.
It’s time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to “forgiveness”—forgiveness of yourself.
How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.
And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.


He says it better than I can!!

If you can recognise who you are, and that you don't have to be defined by your past, you can move forward.

You've given lots of reasons why you don't want to go to the doctor or see a counsellor. Deep down, do you see them as authority figures like your father, so you expect them to behave like him? Offering you a few crumbs then getting fed up and rejecting you? If so, you could start by reading up on it for yourself. The internet has information and support groups for adult survivors of childhood abuse, and it might help you to interact with others who have been through the same experiences, who have either come out the other side or are still struggling to do so.

It will be a long road, but you can escape and have a future in which you have the confidence to see your father and your childhood for what they are/were. Be brave and go for it!!

(And apologies again, I try but it seems I don't 'do' short posts )

MuAx

heartbreak_star

MakeupAddict wrote: »

(And apologies again, I try but it seems I don't 'do' short posts )

MuAx

Maybe not, but you do helpful ones

OP, you have bravery deep down inside. Let it out.

HBS x