Father issues - still - again......

heartbreak_star

GotToChange wrote: »

It isn't (meant as) an excuse.

I recollect an occasion when asking for help with (undiagnosed, admittedly) post-natal depression. The (same) surgery had me and my baby carted off to the phsych. ward, simply because I tried to insist they help me (husband had walked out for the third time.....). Maybe I asked in the wrong way, maybe that was their idea of help.... I'm not sure.

It has always felt that unless seeing the Dr with something highly visible, I lose them when I try to explain. This is also the case with the thyroid issue (about which I have posted elsewhere, I have lots of the signs - except for the abnormal hormone readings.....); I just come across really badly and am just cannot bear the thought of trying to explain myself.

Again, not an excuse - almost a phobia.

Kind of makes sense now. The docs probably were trying to help, though that seems a tad, uh...abrupt? You can always change surgery or ask to see another doc?

Write down how you're feeling. Make as concise a list as possible of your symptoms and feelings, and hand it over to them. I had to do that when I was depressed or I'd have just rambled on at them

Bit pants that your T4 levels aren't low enough to medicate. In the meantime I still suggest exercise - it will help

HBS x

pukkamum

I have a narcissist father who has for my whole life dipped in and out (he too lives abroad) and the times he dipped in he brought chaos, unhappiness and anger.

He has always kept in touch via letter, which only happens now when I write first.
He has no real relationship with either of us his children, or his grandchildren and quite frankly thats the way I want it, his narcissism brings poison that I don't want me or my family exposed to.

So now I look back with great relief that he wasn't a huge part of my life, I accept he is who he is, I accept that he is incapable of maintaining relationships with anyone, he has been married 5 times.

This knowledge has set me free as I spent years convinced it was me personally he did not want a relationship despite my love for him.
So now we write sporadically (once or twice a year) I give him my news, he gives his, and they are pleasant letters that I can handle, as opposed to when I was younger and in contact frequently, when the letters would be full of his own bitterness and rants about the family that has wronged him.

I am at peace now, what happened, happened, he will never admit responsibility or apologise for the past and I no longer expect it, and I will not give him the power to upset me anymore and ruin anymore of my life.

GotToChange

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Key question here is - why do you want to remember the sh*t that gone on?

We went through a very horrible parents split and my dad turned into a big bit of an eejit and systematically managed to single handedly destroy his relationship with all his kids to the point he is cut out of our lives completely.

The funny thing is about 10 years after it all happened me and siblings were fuzzy on finer details - we know he was/is a selfish git and we know "certain things" happened but we dont have the small minutiae of on the 23rd of january 1992 he did this catalogued in a letter/email.

You dont need to remember any of it - let it all go - fill your head with the future not the past.

I understand what you're saying and don't mean to be a whiner - but -

If I don't remember, I forgive.... and I probably shouldn't, for all the reasons I have droned on about up to this point....

....and forgetting it all does mean that I forget what I have said - sometimes, it can have been quite profound, intelligent and understanding; qualities it is quite easy to forget that I possess.

Also, I do not have siblings to talk this over with, even in a light-hearted and keeping-it-in-it's-pplace kind of way, as we did not have a shared experience, rather separate experiences that tore us apart (with lingering consequences, rather than a shared and supportive (?) history) that damaged even those relationships too.

So yes, I am (as lul650 suggested) isolated. Cannot see why I would be anything else. And being isolated in this way can affect every other relationship that a person tries to have....

I am not at all trying to justify this frame of mind or even my - further destructive - way of dealing with the detritus of my messed-up life; I just think that my experience does not seem to have any kind of positive side to it (such as the children of this situation having a common bond, because we don't - quite quite the opposite....), apart from an insight into the way I can be - and somewhat just how "people" can be, which actually is now seeming as though it is just introspection and navel-gazing.

GotToChange

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Kind of makes sense now. The docs probably were trying to help, though that seems a tad, uh...abrupt? You can always change surgery or ask to see another doc?

Write down how you're feeling. Make as concise a list as possible of your symptoms and feelings, and hand it over to them. I had to do that when I was depressed or I'd have just rambled on at them

Bit pants that your T4 levels aren't low enough to medicate. In the meantime I still suggest exercise - it will help

HBS x

Hmmm - my daughter is now 25 - I doubt that Dr is still with the Group.

It was written at the top of my notes that I was a suicide risk (2 x attempts - maaany years ago) so I am not sure if this would colour how they regard me.
Also not sure how that works now the notes are electronic; I an hardly walk in there with "suicide risk" printed on the front of a T-shirt; how do I actually tell them such a thing? Most people just think it is emotional blackmail or drama-queen behaviour.....

It sometimes seems that if a person is depressed, the fact that they got themselves to a surgery and can (possibly) string a sentence together indicates otherwise.... when, in my case, getting there has been so long delayed that I can barely wait a moment longer for help, let alone the months it would possibly be.

Since my horse died, I have lost my way almost altogether (which I know is stupid....) - I knew that to have so much invested in him was dangerous, but I couldn't know how the loss would affect me (however much I knew it was coming soon) until it happened. Let alone the negative ripple effect that I/it seems to have set off.

GotToChange

pukkamum wrote: »

I have a narcissist father who has for my whole life dipped in and out (he too lives abroad) and the times he dipped in he brought chaos, unhappiness and anger.

He has always kept in touch via letter, which only happens now when I write first.
He has no real relationship with either of us his children, or his grandchildren and quite frankly thats the way I want it, his narcissism brings poison that I don't want me or my family exposed to.

So now I look back with great relief that he wasn't a huge part of my life, I accept he is who he is, I accept that he is incapable of maintaining relationships with anyone, he has been married 5 times.

This knowledge has set me free as I spent years convinced it was me personally he did not want a relationship despite my love for him.
So now we write sporadically (once or twice a year) I give him my news, he gives his, and they are pleasant letters that I can handle, as opposed to when I was younger and in contact frequently, when the letters would be full of his own bitterness and rants about the family that has wronged him.

I am at peace now, what happened, happened, he will never admit responsibility or apologise for the past and I no longer expect it, and I will not give him the power to upset me anymore and ruin anymore of my life.

I envy you the peace of mind that you seem to have achieved. It's funny how narcissitic men behave isn't it (although at the moemnt, the jury is out on whether or not my mother is NPD too.....)? Were all his wives slim, blonde and eager to please.....? (My father's were/are - but obviously only the third was good enough....., this has lasted since 1971)

I really should take a leaf out of your book, shouldn't I? If only it could be so "easy" for me to do that.

He is different though in that he will tell me that it IS only me that he doesn't want a relationship with - he never even got to know my sister or brother so gives himself a pass on that but he tells me, as does my mother that he (they) wish/es he had not bothered with ME, personally. Very sad and very difficult to shrug off.....

Again, I am envious of the peace that you (with difficulty an strength of character) have achieved.

bargainbetty

GotToChange wrote: »

Thank you for this bb.....:) (Cannot believe you would read through it all....), I really appreciate what you are suggesting.

The one thing I would say (that will probably be seen as negative/unwilling to help myself) is that no Dr in my experience would be prepared to read through this thread, I just cannot imagine it, even if I wish they would as it would mean I didn't have to open my mouth and risk looking a fool.....

Then you have the wrong doctor. Mine was willing to listen to my garbled waffles to help her identify the problem. Some people can't talk, and make notes to go in with. I hate to say this, but you aren't that different from any other temporarily ill person, and your GP will have seen a damn sight more embarrassed people than you. Stop making excuses and go.

The other practical measures, I think I should be able to attempt - except that I really do struggle with the idea of burning everything. I wish I didn't feel that way and don't even know why I do.

That's why you save a digital copy of it all first. No harm either way. Stop making excuses. Start with one letter.

Ugh.


I am so afraid of anti-depressants - apart from the thought of being medicated to "live" but - yes, call me shallow - weight gain that I have heard of (I am already struggling with what I think is a messed up thyroid.....). Not an excuse, just cannot deal with anything more....

I have a blood pressure problem, and will die if I don't take the meds. That is 'medicated to live', not the anti-depressants that help me deal with the reality that I nearly had a stroke at the age of 38 because of it, and have helped me drag myself back from the brink of a mental breakdown.

You have an illness that requires treatment. Would you reject a cast for a broken arm, or surgery for an appendicitis? No. And by the way, I lost half a stone on the meds, because I stopped comfort eating to deal with my down-times. Stop making damn excuses and go!

I really wish you luck, but you are the only one who can do this. Take a step. Go burn one letter. Just one.

GotToChange

I am so sorry I used the phase "medicated to live", I think it has stuck in my mind after listening to a Will Self ?monologue recently.... seems true in my case though, when a sgtronger person that I would be able to deal with this situation better than I do.

Having gained three stone + over the last couple of years, you would think that I must have been comfort eating too.....
... and I haven't (I posted recently in the Health & Fitness sub-forum....), although I have many many issues around food.

I know it sounds like excuses but I really cannot bear to be rebuffed by a Dr about this (esp. as I also want to talk again - and at some "length" about thyroid), so I know I am coming across as unwilling to help myself. Not true - but I am just afraid. That's all.

As for the digital copies of the communications, that is what I am doing at the same time as other stuff on the computer. There seems to be no shortcut to create the digiatl copy other than copying the text of the emails, which are now in separate folders by years, 2009, 2010 and 2011. It is funny-tragic to see the descent into the emails being just "from" me, as though banging my head on a brick wall (apoart from the occasional one-lie response). The funny-saddest thinhg wasthe 2012 folder, I "acidentally" deleted the remaining emails from the main folder which would have been those to go into the 2012 folder. There were only two (and one of those was the fake autoreply from an shut-down email address......).
As I said, funny-sad.

However, once that is done (and yes, the exPA wants to also note the pictures that I sent and the attachements need to be included in chronological order......), I will happily press.....
[DELETE]
...less satisfying than setting light to the actual letters - which *will* happen.

heartbreak_star

Setting light certainly will happen

I understand issues around food - as an ex-bulimic who's built like a tank I have a fair few too I find going for a swim or lifting some weights helps me crave healthy things instead of sweets all the time. Also, it's yet another thing you should talk to the doc about.

I know I keep "banging on" about exercise, but it's nature's antidepressant - my ex-OH was on high dose AD's, when he was back on an even keel he started exercising and that gave him the strength to tone down his dosage under the doc's supervision.

HBS x

Errata

(esp. as I also want to talk again - and at some "length" about thyroid),

Why 'some length'? Thyroid malfunction is as common as muck, what's so special about yours?

heartbreak_star

Errata wrote: »

Why 'some length'? Thyroid malfunction is as common as muck, what's so special about yours?

Mine was special....


....but only because I was diagnosed very young :rotfl:

HBS x