Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

This is to Funky Ribena -

Well, I *think* that you mean well, and I respect your right to have an opinion on this (again, I *think*) - but ......
..... I know full well that I have created other threads on this is the past, I am quite able to link them and would have done so had I felt it appropriate in my opening post - which -
- was an attempt to (ask for help to) organise the physical clutter of the mess of a "relationship" that I have with my Father (etc.). Some may see it as in inability to "move on" and indeed, may be correct, I may also inadvertently have been wanting to discuss the sorry situation once more and went about it indirectly. I know that can seem annoying and pathetic to anyone reading it who may be able to be braver and more determined than I am.
But, in point of fact, I was trying to make a start in laying this all to rest - which is especially hard as - to repeat myself - it is what I "have" in place of a decent relationship with my Father, removing it (which is in actual fact, Nothing, leaves me with even more Nothing.....); tragic as it may seem to people who have experienced the same and succeeded in resolving it and are frustrated by my inability to do so, it was I hope one of the baby steps that I have subsequently been encouraged to take.


So, in short, what was linking those threads meant to achieve?
(Sadly, looks a bit like trying to make me look a fool...... and I apologise if I have misinterpreted your actions.)

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

This is to Funky Ribena -

Well, I *think* that you mean well, and I respect your right to have an opinion on this (again, I *think*) - but ......
..... I know full well that I have created other threads on this is the past, I am quite able to link them and would have done so had I felt it appropriate in my opening post - which -
- was an attempt to (ask for help to) organise the physical clutter of the mess of a "relationship" that I have with my Father (etc.). Some may see it as in inability to "move on" and indeed, may be correct, I may also inadvertently have been wanting to discuss the sorry situation once more and went about it indirectly. I know that can seem annoying and pathetic to anyone reading it who may be able to be braver and more determined than I am.
But, in point of fact, I was trying to make a start in laying this all to rest - which is especially hard as - to repeat myself - it is what I "have" in place of a decent relationship with my Father, removing it (which is in actual fact, Nothing, leaves me with even more Nothing.....); tragic as it may seem to people who have experienced the same and succeeded in resolving it and are frustrated by my inability to do so, it was I hope one of the baby steps that I have subsequently been encouraged to take.


So, in short, what was linking those threads meant to achieve?
(Sadly, looks a bit like trying to make me look a fool...... and I apologise if I have misinterpreted your actions.)

The thing is, most of us will refer back to previous threads, and you have to admit that all your posts are on the same subject - and the fact that in this thread you requested advice on the physical organisation of what is obviously emotional rubbish has prompted us to give you advice on the mental removal of this rubbish as well.

Although you have responded to most posts, taking on board the points made (though not the one that I made, asking you about how you view what should be your most important relationships with your children) it appears to me that you do not intend to follow any of the advice given - you counter each and every point made with a "reason" - aka excuse - as to why it won't work.

Nothing that we have suggested will work unless you do something - you cannot organise clutter - emotional or physical - and there is only one person who can do it - and that is you.

You have to organise it - and you can do it - you've already done something so hard - organising the removal of your horse - and that must have been heartbreaking - so you can do it!

GotToChange

And to MakeupAddict......

Thank you so much for the trouble that you take and great consideration you have given to offering advice to me; I appreciate it so much.

I can of course relate to the description of myself and my history but am very fearful that I would not succeed in trying to help myself (yes, negative I know.......). I have been instructed for so long (brainwashed almost) to brush aside/forget/never mention the - my - past - that to even attempt to address what it was or how I felt, let alone the consequences on the adult that I have become, feels as much like wallowing as simply discussing it on here has also seemed......

I do feel that I am wearing concrete boots and have stayed in a "victim"-type role - without wanting to, seriously. But even when I try to just put it aside (which I had semi-successfully done in 2009, having not seen my Father since 2004 and spoken/emailed since 2006), there has been nothing to stop him from "popping up" again (and never even in a nice way - usually to criticise me quite badly for something before becoming exasperated and annoyed with me before withdrawing again.....but not without giving me some weird false sense of hope) and equally, nothing seems to stop me from being grateful that he will contact me. And yet, even when I am not "being a failure" , as in 2004 (good job, check - good-looking (a definite requirement, seriously....), check - feeling calm and positive about life, check), he somehow manages to drag me down, so that he can then say that I am awful and disappear again, for years usually.....

...and here I am, droning on; but I suppose it is my way of agreeing with what you have said, quoted and referenced. Which I fear that some may say that I now feel justified in my wallowing . BUT I DON'T.... However, would attempting to "fix" myself not be another kind of wallowing.....?

Oh heck, I don't know. But I am still really really grateful for everything you are saying. Thank you.

As for the emails and so on - despite (some) advice not to, I have made great strides in organising them - plus the letters and cards etc. All are nearly in one place and there has been some shredding and deleting . There is one long Word doc. containing the text from all the emails, with the large attachments inserted into the appropriate place. I have created one "long" timeline/summary of the years 2009 - 2013, which I know that some will say is the wrong thing to have done (but is has helped me to see that, over those four years, there have been a grand total of four phone calls which, if nothing else, means that I can refute the accusation (from my Father) that there have been numerous, interminable phone conversations); some of this is really - and simply - because I have put things out of my mind, which means I don't have aleg to stand on when I am accused of things, wrongly, by him). It also - as I have half-scanned the emails when moving them - reminds me that forgiving and forgetting should not be my preferred course of action.

(But I do still wish with all my heart that it wasn't this way, I cannot help it I wish I had a lovely Dad who would be interested and kind and love me and who I could love and care for right back.....)

You are 100% right about believing that I fear that the crumbs may be proferred and then interest withdrawn and I become a nuisance. I want to look for help - but this is what stops me (in this, as in a lot of things - I really do believe that everything is very very temporary - and this is getting worse as I get older - so much so, that I am now almost unable to start......:o; unable, not simply reluctant).

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

The thing is, most of us will refer back to previous threads, and you have to admit that all your posts are on the same subject - and the fact that in this thread you requested advice on the physical organisation of what is obviously emotional rubbish has prompted us to give you advice on the mental removal of this rubbish as well.

Although you have responded to most posts, taking on board the points made (though not the one that I made, asking you about how you view what should be your most important relationships with your children) it appears to me that you do not intend to follow any of the advice given - you counter each and every point made with a "reason" - aka excuse - as to why it won't work.

Nothing that we have suggested will work unless you do something - you cannot organise clutter - emotional or physical - and there is only one person who can do it - and that is you.

You have to organise it - and you can do it - you've already done something so hard - organising the removal of your horse - and that must have been heartbreaking - so you can do it!

Dear Thorsoak -
I do wish the "everyone" (not quite, I know) would not keep saying that I will not do anything. I will.

If I am to be judged on not having been able to until this point (and have the previous threads cited as my lack of ability to), then that seems rather harsh in my opinion.....

...and, as I have just said, the advice is very recent, so it would be impossible to have acted on it staight away. The fact that I have fears and worries and have lost my nerve in just about every aspect of life in general is not getting noticed or allowed for and I am told rather tersely that I put a negative spin on everything, refuse to change, want/need to wallow in self-pity etc etc.

The reason I have not brought up my realtionship with my child is because - although very very relevant - I am 100% certain that that will be another can of worms that would result in judgement -which I am not able to handle - and it would also mean a lot more posting on here. In short, I was a great mother - despite some marital strain - for 12 years. Then, not so much. She is now 25, an adventurous graduate (with a BSc in Animal Behaviour) and has a spirit that I never did.
I did the best I could, being me.


Organising the death of my horse does not mean that I am able to do anything else; I watched as my beautiful, courageous (but oh so old) gentleman could - suddenly - not take a step without nearly over-balancing, could hardly move his head for what must have been pain and knew that his eyes could no longer see. I held his head for the last time as the sedative took effect but I was NOT brave enough to stay as he fell to the floor; once gone, he looked very peaceful, lying on his deep straw bed and covered with one of the first rugs that I bought for him, embroidered with his name; but I then certainly wimped out when the kind and softly-spoken man came to attach the chains to move his body through the stable door, load onto the truck and away for cremation. In this, I had no choice.

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

Dear Thorsoak -
I do wish the "everyone" (not quite, I know) would not keep saying that I will not do anything. I will.

If I am to be judged on not having been able to until this point (and have the previous threads cited as my lack of ability to), then that seems rather harsh in my opinion.....

...and, as I have just said, the advice is very recent, so it would be impossible to have acted on it staight away. The fact that I have fears and worries and have lost my nerve in just about every aspect of life in general is not getting noticed or allowed for and I am told rather tersely that I put a negative spin on everything, refuse to change, want/need to wallow in self-pity etc etc.

The reason I have not brought up my realtionship with my child is because - although very very relevant - I am 100% certain that that will be another can of worms that would result in judgement -which I am not able to handle - and it would also mean a lot more posting on here. In short, I was a great mother - despite some marital strain - for 12 years. Then, not so much. She is now 25, an adventurous graduate (with a BSc in Animal Behaviour) and has a spirit that I never did.
I did the best I could, being me.


Organising the death of my horse does not mean that I am able to do anything else; I watched as my beautiful, courageous (but oh so old) gentleman could - suddenly - not take a step without nearly over-balancing, could hardly move his head for what must have been pain and knew that his eyes could no longer see. I held his head for the last time as the sedative took effect but I was NOT brave enough to stay as he fell to the floor; once gone, he looked very peaceful, lying on his deep straw bed and covered with one of the first rugs that I bought for him, embroidered with his name; but I then certainly wimped out when the kind and softly-spoken man came to attach the chains to move his body through the stable door, load onto the truck and away for cremation. In this, I had no choice.

You see - you've been a great mother, working through a bad marital situation, your daughter is well, happy and successful - what's bad about that? You've done really well there, despite your own unhappy upbringing!:T

You've dealt bravely with the death of a much loved friend - as you say, you had no choice - but you did it - again - very well done - you gave your friend relief and peace - the most loving, kind - yet heartbreaking for you - thing that you could do :A

So you are not such a terrible person after all - are you? You've been steadfast, courageous and selfless - you are doing really well - now all you have to do is sweep up the rubbish that's lurking in the corners of your life - you CAN do it!:j

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

I do wish the "everyone" (not quite, I know) would not keep saying that I will not do anything. I will.

thorsoak wrote: »

You see - you've been a great mother, working through a bad marital situation, your daughter is well, happy and successful - what's bad about that? You've done really well there, despite your own unhappy upbringing!:T

You've dealt bravely with the death of a much loved friend - as you say, you had no choice - but you did it - again - very well done - you gave your friend relief and peace - the most loving, kind - yet heartbreaking for you - thing that you could do :A

So you are not such a terrible person after all - are you? You've been steadfast, courageous and selfless - you are doing really well - now all you have to do is sweep up the rubbish that's lurking in the corners of your life - you CAN do it!:j

GotToChange - thorsoak's right - you've already handled so many things well that you can do this.

Would it be easier to tackle it in small stages? Instead of feeling that you have to deal with all the emails at once, could you set yourself a target that every time you log on to the computer, you will delete one email. That's easy to do, over with quickly, not too stressful but will soon show results.

Set a similar target with the letters if it helps.

heartbreak_star

Strange question here too - would it be possible to volunteer to visit an older person who doesn't have much family and take them out or have tea with them?

Might give you that sort of "presence" in your life without having to resort to the venomous sperm donor you call a father.

HBS x

Mojisola

There's a charity around here that does just - volunteers go for a visit and a chat, do bits of shopping and so on for an elderly person.

GotToChange

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Strange question here too - would it be possible to volunteer to visit an older person who doesn't have much family and take them out or have tea with them?

Might give you that sort of "presence" in your life without having to resort to the venomous sperm donor you call a father.

HBS x

Not a strange question at all.... I have considered this and may still follow through (although, yes, have doubts that I would somehow fail at this too...... I know......)

It feels kind of shameful to be thinking of them as some weird kind of "parent"-figure (and of course, unfair on them). My actual parents are only 18 years older than me and in both cases, are in denial about being "elderly" - and thus about me being middle-aged. [Except when wanting to bash me with it.....]

I recently got to know a lady of my mother's age - at the animal sanctuary that I revisited. As she doesn't drive, I became something of a driver for her and did offer (which she seemed keen on) to take her to the coast for a day out. But, as I have backed away from the sanctuary to protect my mental health, I am not sure if I can maintain this sort-of friendship.

Mabye I should try more "official" channels.

thorsoak

You might find something here :- http://www.csv-rsvp.org.uk/site/home.htm