Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

I answered YOUR question. If you are going round and round and it's hell for you - then stop going round and round, burn and delete the whole flippin lot and get some proper help.

But you answered it by dragging up the old threads (again, something I would have done myself if I thought it would help).
When I have seen this done before on other threads/forums, the reasoning behind it has not always been pure....
...maybe there could have been some other way you could have answered - or maybe it's my paranoia?

If you are frustrated by my actions-lack of action-repetition, I do understand why. But it isn't as straightforward as I/everyone would like it to be. Unpleasant or not, it's been my only contact with my father and I am trying to handle it with some thought (I know, too much though, I suppose.....:o), which is resulting in some agonising for which I again apologise.

GotToChange

Nenen wrote: »

I certainly don't think anyone should 'have to' drug themselves for any reason. In an ideal world, no child would be abused... in a next to ideal world, at least everyone who has been abused as a child would be able to access decent counselling and/or care services if they wanted to, in order to help mitigate the terrible effects. However, we don't live in an ideal world and I just wanted to let the OP know that if she didn't want to go to her GP but felt she would benefit from some form of antidepressants, there is an alternative.

Thank you Nenen for you suggestions and understanding.

It is only recently that I have thought that what has happened could constitute emotional abuse (I know/have been told by my mother that there was some physical abuse when I was tiny but of course, I have no recollection..... I think he was just very frustrated at that point); as I grew up and he acted the way he did, I was simply so grateful that he had anything to do with me.... I had no mother around and I was with his parents, so he was the best I could hope for and also something/one that I could not escape....

In recent years, how he has been has gone off the charts so I guess in some ways it has been lifelong - as a child, making me into the kind of person who would attract it as an adult and, perversely, also be unable to withstand it....
....and yes, screw up every other aspect of my life as a result.
(I suppose.)

I would hate to start out paying for counselling that I then could not continue due to lack of funds - but I welcome the chance to be seen by a professional/trainee if that is possible.... so if you want to PM me about that, I would be very very grateful.

thorsoak

Oh dear ......do you not realise just how many of us could attribute our existence to "unhappy accidents"? My mother lost two babies, one aged 3 months, one the day before her first birthday. I was born eight months later. I can remember hearing "having babies for the undertaker" when I was really, really tiny ....

But I cannot be blamed for what happened before my birth, no more than can you. The sperm donor who begat you sounds like a sulky 17 year old - he has never grown up, and cannot be relied upon to give a rational view of anything. Stop torturing yourself.

My much-loved parents are long-since dead - and I do not have a single letter/card from either of them. I do not have any of the love letters sent to me by my beloved OH who died two years ago, after we had been together for 50 years. These I would treasure.

So why on earth do you keep torturing yourself by keeping these poison pen missives? They are poisoning youQ

Funky_Bold_Ribena

GotToChange wrote: »

But you answered it by dragging up the old threads (again, something I would have done myself if I thought it would help).
When I have seen this done before on other threads/forums, the reasoning behind it has not always been pure....
...maybe there could have been some other way you could have answered - or maybe it's my paranoia?

If you are frustrated by my actions-lack of action-repetition, I do understand why. But it isn't as straightforward as I/everyone would like it to be. Unpleasant or not, it's been my only contact with my father and I am trying to handle it with some thought (I know, too much though, I suppose.....:o), which is resulting in some agonising for which I again apologise.

You actually asked

GotToChange wrote: »

Do you mean, in this thread? Or on previous occasions?

So I answered. If you hadn't actually asked that particular question, I'd not have responded.

And if it makes you realise that you have been asking this in this user name and previous user names for at least 8 years; surely even you must realise that you are going nowhere with this line of enquiry.

At some point you will need to either accept that 'it's the way he is' and deal with it - or actually stop responding to him. Or as was put succinctly 'put up or shut up'.

If you keep doing the same thing; you will get the same result. Go you. :T

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

Oh dear ......do you not realise just how many of us could attribute our existence to "unhappy accidents"? My mother lost two babies, one aged 3 months, one the day before her first birthday. I was born eight months later. I can remember hearing "having babies for the undertaker" when I was really, really tiny ....

But I cannot be blamed for what happened before my birth, no more than can you. The sperm donor who begat you sounds like a sulky 17 year old - he has never grown up, and cannot be relied upon to give a rational view of anything. Stop torturing yourself.

My much-loved parents are long-since dead - and I do not have a single letter/card from either of them. I do not have any of the love letters sent to me by my beloved OH who died two years ago, after we had been together for 50 years. These I would treasure.

So why on earth do you keep torturing yourself by keeping these poison pen missives? They are poisoning youQ

I was "only" answering the comment that you made about not believing that I shouldn't exist....
.... and I sadly have the evidence that that is how he feels.

If burning - destroying - deleting would lift the weight, I would do it in a heartbeat. I - with my warped mind - am afraid that it would not, and then how do I defend myself when the accusations fly again?

What I destroy also includes my words, which were not always self-pitying and whine-y. I have lived by "seek first to understand, then be understood...." and my words (that I know I would not be able to recall once gone) reflect what might be thought of as a decent side of my character.

It's an awful dilemma.

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

If burning - destroying - deleting would lift the weight, I would do it in a heartbeat. I - with my warped mind - am afraid that it would not, and then how do I defend myself when the accusations fly again?

You won't have to because you will have cut all contact as well as destroying the letters and deleting the emails and got on with your life.

paulineb_2

Ive not got any poisonous letters from my father, nor emails, because my father doesnt acknowledge me, he hasnt bothered to see me in 40 years. I dont know what you are going through but all I can say is, at some point you have to let things go.

With professional help if necessary. I do know that words can wound. I had a collection of letters written to me by a bf who then became an ex bf when he was away working. In those days, no emails, I used to dread the letter hitting the mat. Sometimes someones view of you is so off kilter it can take a long time for you to realise that the problem is them and that they are projecting everything thats wrong with their life onto you.

I dont know if my ex bf was a narcissist but I do know that he had issues that led him to strive for perfection in what he did, he pushed himself ridiculously to get a degree when he would have managed it without the rigid study timetables. He had a distant father who was also mean financially even though they were and still are very well off as a family and those issues hit him hard and he took them out on me.

It took me years before I could get rid of the communication, I burned all the letters, I also gave away everything he had ever given me, even the stuff that had some sentimental value.

Ive also been on the receiving end of nasty and horrible letters, emails from employers when I was trying to stand up for myself in the workplace by pointing out issues that were going on. Horrible, poisonous letters and emails, lies and more lies.

You get to the stage where you almost have a phobia about opening any letter or any email from anyone just incase you think its going to be an attack on you.

But somewhere along the line, you have to make peace with the past and move forward and realise that some significant people in your life dont have the capacity to treat you well or care about you.

I know my dad doesnt care about me. I know he never has and I know he never will. I sent an email to a friend of his about two months ago, said a bit about what I had done with my life, said what a good life Id had with my mum, attached a photo and told him I didnt want a penny of his money, ever, not when he dies, I am not interested.

And I bet I havent been through a tenth of what you have, but somehow you have to realise that he is flawed and you are not responsible for the fact that he cant step up to the plate and treat you decently and at some point you may consider cutting all contact with him.

Im sorry for what you have been through, but hang onto the good people in your life, thats what I try and do.

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

You won't have to because you will have cut all contact as well as destroying the letters and deleting the emails and got on with your life.

I agree with this.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

paulineb wrote: »

I agree with this.

Me too. [Filler to extend response to 10 characters]

Nenen

GotToChange wrote: »

T

I would hate to start out paying for counselling that I then could not continue due to lack of funds - but I welcome the chance to be seen by a professional/trainee if that is possible.... so if you want to PM me about that, I would be very very grateful.

I've pm'd you