Father issues - still - again......

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

Why is everyone only seeing - and referring - to my negative remarks....? Why?

It's very hard to find a positive statement!

I'm sure that not everything I am saying is negative; I just cannot see something that actually isn't very positive in a positive light (and burning everything and fogetting (haha) everything and writing off an aspecty of my life does not, sadly, feel oh-so-positive....

I have lost so much lately - attempting to forget a core part of myself/life and write off a hope for the future just feels like one more (big) loss - and yet it is something intangible, ephemeral. Does no-one else think that it might take some doing?

I hoped that clearing the "paperwork" decks might help my mind be calm on the subject; now I am sort of defending myself on here when I really thought that I was already taking small and positive steps in the right direction.

I do beat myself up because I am getting a lot of opinions "thrown" at me and am answering each in my usual over-explaining way I suppose.
(Anyone caring to look closely may see touches of humour and irony in what I say.....)

Yes I can, but I think you fail to see the irony in your own comments!

I was told by my uncle that my father expects humility from me -
because he expects it, doesn't mean that he has to get it though!but when I was humble, I was told to quit the self-deprecation.

So your pa doesn't appreciate irony!
Maybe I just don't know how to be a fully functioning human being.

Sigh.......

For heaven's sake, I can't remember the last time I've felt that I've had to keep pointing out the positives to someone who wasn't aged 15!


1. Through your own efforts - despite the efforts of your birth family - you have grown into a person who has worked as an efficient PA - which means that you've been able to support someone else in their business.

2. Despite marital difficulties, and PND you've brought your daughter up, supported her through university and seen her start on a career.

3. You can deal with heartbreak, you've shown that recently.

Do these things sound like someone who isn't at least appearing to be a fully-functioning human being??

Don't you realise that most of us - even those of us who appear to be oh-so-confident - are flying by the seat of our pants?

I know I am! When I start to think/self analyse, I am full of self-doubts - I should have tried harder at school, didn't make the most of the opportunities placed before me - in my marriage, was it my fault that my OH had his serious accident - did I harm my children by insisting that we lived where we did - was it because of the way that I encouraged them to go out in the world that only one of four lives near me? Should I have pushed my OH into going to the doctors earlier - would his cancer have been diagnosed earlier? Could he have survived? All doubts that I cannot do anything about - because I can change nothing that I did or didn't do earlier in my life.

You are a fully functioning human being! Just believe that - whatever your birth family think - you are a success and have succeeded despite all their efforts!

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

I'm sure that not everything I am saying is negative;

It pretty well is, you know, but it sounds as if you've been living in a negative state for such a long time that you probably can't see that.

I just cannot see something that actually isn't very positive in a positive light (and burning everything and forgetting (haha) everything and writing off an aspect of my life does not, sadly, feel oh-so-positive....

I have lost so much lately - attempting to forget a core part of myself/life and write off a hope for the future just feels like one more (big) loss - and yet it is something intangible, ephemeral. Does no-one else think that it might take some doing?

I don't think it's wise or healthy to try to "forget" part of your life but you need to put it in context. At the moment, it sounds like it dominates your life.

I hoped that clearing the "paperwork" decks might help my mind be calm on the subject; now I am sort of defending myself on here when I really thought that I was already taking small and positive steps in the right direction.

Sorting out the paperwork is a start but it will be even better if you can bring yourself to get rid of it completely.

Those of us who have been there ourselves or helped others regain their lives can see that you need to completely let go of the past. Everyone has to do this at their own pace but your pace does look glacial to outsiders!

I was told by my uncle that my father expects humility from me - but when I was humble, I was told to quit the self-deprecation. Maybe I just don't know how to be a fully functioning human being.

I rarely swear but that made me mutter things! B!gger your father! Just who does he think he is?

While you keep paying attention to what he thinks, he has control over you. For your future's sake, cut the ties with him.

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

Sigh.......


2. Despite marital difficulties, and PND you've brought your daughter up, supported her through university and seen her start on a career.

I didn't do this.
In the only post in which I mentioned my daughter, I said that I was a good mother until she was 12 - and after that, not so much. (Meaning; that her father took her away from me and I did not see her from age 14 until 2009 when she (bravely) knocked on my door*. He did this when having a relationship with my best friend who, a single parent, was the mother of my daughter's best friend. It didn't last though and he has ended up married to the wife of a colleague and friend of his. In this though, I really prayed that my daughter wouldn't lose her dad - and she didn't. But they made sure that she lost me.)

Her success in life is not down to me in any way at all (only my influence played a part in her choice of degree); I say that she is adventurous because I see on facebook that she has been to Canada and Iceland recently - whether or not she has forged a successful career with her qualifications and skills, I don't actually know and have not pretended to on here.

I stupidly became pregnant twice more (with my husband) - and those children were not allowed to see the light of day.

I cannot put a positive light on this. The last time I saw my daughter*, she told me that she loathed me. There we are. I always make an attempt to let her know I still think about her on birthdays and at Christmas; most recently, she actually responded and suggested we get together. As I was hesitatnt, she berated me at some length (via email - see a pattern, anyone?) and I have not dared to attempt to explain that it is me who is useless and ashamed and not anything she has done.

Again, I truly appreciate the advice and input I have received; I am (yes, even though I am not meant to be) in aweand envious of people who have suffered difficulties and hardships in their lives and who have not allowed themselves to be dragged down by them. Thank goodness not everyone is weak and spineless.


Oh - fully functioning... yep, that's me -
not eaten for three days, not worn make-up for three or four, not been out of the house properly since Tuesday, car never moved since Monday. The only person I have spoken to is the one friend I have (who loves it when I am so far down I cannot get up) and any official business I have tried to conduct on the phone has failed miserably as I cannot manage to string a coherent sentence together...
...I can make other people feel glad that they aren't me I guess.

thorsoak

OK - this time I really am giving up. Some people are like DRAINS - they drain all the goodness/hope/help/kindness out of people. Others are like radiators - they generate warmth/heat/kindness.

At the end of the day only you can decide what sort of person you are - not your father, your mother, any of us here = only one - and that's you.

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

Again, I truly appreciate the advice and input I have received; I am (yes, even though I am not meant to be) in awe of people who have suffered difficulties and hardships in their lives and who have not allowed themselves to be dragged down by them. Thank goodness not everyone is weak and spineless.

You have had so little love and support from others that your view of yourself is distorted. Anyone who is always told they are worthless or bad or always wrong will grow up emotionally stunted.

You need help from outside to learn that you aren't those things - they are the views of people who aren't worthy of your respect! People who treat others the way they have treated you are damaged people who are trying to push their inadequacies onto other people to make themselves feel better or worse, just like hurting other people.

Please talk to someone at your surgery and accept medication if it's given, use forums for support and start making changes. Don't let the leeches feed off you for any longer. Live the rest of your life for yourself.

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

OK - this time I really am giving up. Some people are like DRAINS - they drain all the goodness/hope/help/kindness out of people. Others are like radiators - they generate warmth/heat/kindness.

At the end of the day only you can decide what sort of person you are - not your father, your mother, any of us here = only one - and that's you.

I am just trying to explain!

For every person who has kindly posted on here, there has been a different opinion to take on board and respond to.
No, I guess I haven't done it too well - and for that I am very sorry.

Are the changes that I need to make really expected to happen in the duration of this thread? I really cannot make my life have been any different - and some of this has been "simply" relaying the facts. Some of what I have said has been my expressing some very real fears, which people seem to think I am making up or just hanging onto for the sake of being a negative nelly.

Getting p***ed off with me and Giving Up are no more than I expect. I have not meant at all to be a drain, but thanks for that comparison.

By the way, I wish you could meet me in real life - without knowing any of this garbage - as you might have been surprised; I don't actually wear a horsehair coat and carry a whip for self-flagellation. Until recently though, I may have been covered in short grey horsehairs - still getting used to that no longer happening and being able to wear dark colours.

ecgirl07

GotToChange wrote: »

Why is everyone only seeing - and referring - to my negative remarks....? Why?

GotToChange wrote: »

Her success in life is not down to me in any way at all (only my influence played a part in her choice of degree); I say that she is adventurous because I see on facebook that she has been to Canada and Iceland recently - whether or not she has forged a successful career with her qualifications and skills, I don't actually know and have not pretended to on here.

I stupidly became pregnant twice more (with my husband) - and those children were not allowed to see the light of day.

I cannot put a positive light on this. The last time I saw my daughter*, she told me that she loathed me. There we are. I always make an attempt to let her know I still think about her on birthdays and at Christmas; most recently, she actually responded and suggested we get together. As I was hesitatnt, she berated me at some length (via email - see a pattern, anyone?) and I have not dared to attempt to explain that it is me who is useless and ashamed and not anything she has done.

Again, I truly appreciate the advice and input I have received; I am (yes, even though I am not meant to be) in aweand envious of people who have suffered difficulties and hardships in their lives and who have not allowed themselves to be dragged down by them. Thank goodness not everyone is weak and spineless.


Oh - fully functioning... yep, that's me -
not eaten for three days, not worn make-up for three or four, not been out of the house properly since Tuesday, car never moved since Monday. The only person I have spoken to is the one friend I have (who loves it when I am so far down I cannot get up) and any official business I have tried to conduct on the phone has failed miserably as I cannot manage to string a coherent sentence together...
...I can make other people feel glad that they aren't me I guess.

negative p*sh in red and positive stuff in green rearmiffirng hippydrippy stuff in pink

until you love yourself nobody else will

GotToChange

Thank you ecgirl.

I do believe on the hippydrippy stuff - but forgive me saying that it might sometimes be a chicken-egg type situation, don't you think?

I really am starting to think that, apart fom not having posted in the first place, I should not have been/be so "honest"; it has certainly made the work harder for people who have been supportive on here.

I do wonder - I hate to say though - if sometimes people are so focussed on telling me how negative I am, that the actual contents of what I am saying are being overlooked??

In some sense, I feel as though I am back to my childhood and being afraid to tell "the truth" and my younger adulthood where even just to tell anyone about my background would be a concern as it was embarrassing to admit how (in those days...) "abnormal" it had been. Which can sometimes make people uncomfortable.

I think that I really must say thank you lovely people and I am truly sorry that - well - things are the way they are for me and that I am not quite resilient enough.

I need - really need - to stop this now as it is doing more harm than good and has made me realise that whilst help on here is great and appreciated, the real person that I am is being overshadowed by what seems like my 100% negativity; I feel quite hurt by exasperation that some are expressing and that is no good for anybody.


I have asked that the thread be locked down but need a board guide or moderator with access to do so.

But thank you everyone who has taken precious time to respond and assist - every word means something to me, but I have reached the level of my ability to continue with this as I know how it is making me appear - and feel. And that is not healthy, now or ever.

xx

ecgirl07

gtc (this is quick before the lock)

the truth is you are nearly 50 and can live out your life in a fekked up way and seemingly repeating the faults of your dad with your daughter or you can make the leap and let it all go and move on and sort out the relationship with your daughter and forget about your parents.

pretty sure i talk for mse when i say we wish you well and hope you enter your 50's happy and well - you can if you want to :beer: