Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

Mojisola wrote: »

GotToChange - thorsoak's right - you've already handled so many things well that you can do this.

Would it be easier to tackle it in small stages? Instead of feeling that you have to deal with all the emails at once, could you set yourself a target that every time you log on to the computer, you will delete one email. That's easy to do, over with quickly, not too stressful but will soon show results.

Set a similar target with the letters if it helps.

Mojisola - thank you

I have to get this email garbage (yes, quite literally....) done; it really is driving me crazy and is getting worse. I know this was triggered by the letter last week and the inability to discuss with the relevant people (have tried talking it trough with my mother - cannot go there again...... She and I have such difficulties too (yep, there are threads about it [I guess]).

At this point, I am close to the finishing line -
with emails consolidated into one (80pp!!!!) Word doc., a list of "everything" from 2009 - 2013, all electronic letters (sent or unsent) enclosed in one folder (not in date order, I have kind of stopped caring about that....), which together with the Word doc. (entitled "emails from the dawn of time") will be put onto one flash drive and removed from the laptop.
I have only received four cards over the years - they are to be filed together with the overall timeline-summary, the "index" for the emails and the few letters he has written to me (total 6 I think) and the hard copy letters I have sent "back" to him.
The emails have been separated by years - 2009 (47), 2010 (48), 2011 (35) and 2012 (2) but are scheduled for deletion as soon as all this is done. (The email is not my primary one so I could just leave them where they are but I prefer to get them out and off.....)

I know this list is pathetic - but organising it makes me feel better and as much in control as I can be at this moment.


It is not to manipulate any behaviour (except my own) and I have tried my best to distance myself; since last year, he did not have a phone number,address or email - and I was fine with that, even thinking it to be for the best.

That he has bypassed my attempts to be incommunicado is not to do with concern (when I had cancer scare) but rather because he will not be avoided or ignored.

The organising of these materials calms my mind and leaves me "space" to breathe and helps me to gird my loins for the possible next attack. But if not, I feel that I can address issues somehow (plus I need to have a clear head as I have signed up to do the Mensa exam tomorrow :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:), rather than just leave matters because there is nothing going on with them (parents) at present - pretty much as ever.
This is what this thread is/has encourage(d) me to do.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

GotToChange wrote: »

This is to Funky Ribena -

Well, I *think* that you mean well, and I respect your right to have an opinion on this (again, I *think*) - but ......
..... I know full well that I have created other threads on this is the past, I am quite able to link them and would have done so had I felt it appropriate in my opening post - which -
- was an attempt to (ask for help to) organise the physical clutter of the mess of a "relationship" that I have with my Father (etc.). Some may see it as in inability to "move on" and indeed, may be correct, I may also inadvertently have been wanting to discuss the sorry situation once more and went about it indirectly. I know that can seem annoying and pathetic to anyone reading it who may be able to be braver and more determined than I am.
But, in point of fact, I was trying to make a start in laying this all to rest - which is especially hard as - to repeat myself - it is what I "have" in place of a decent relationship with my Father, removing it (which is in actual fact, Nothing, leaves me with even more Nothing.....); tragic as it may seem to people who have experienced the same and succeeded in resolving it and are frustrated by my inability to do so, it was I hope one of the baby steps that I have subsequently been encouraged to take.


So, in short, what was linking those threads meant to achieve?
(Sadly, looks a bit like trying to make me look a fool...... and I apologise if I have misinterpreted your actions.)

Not at all

Someone said either deal with it or put up and shut up.

You questioned it saying that you can't act that quick on advice given to you in this thread

I said that this isn't the first time you have been advised to step away

You asked if I meant in this thread or on previous occasions

I linked to 2 previous occasions

I am not sure how you are going to resolve this as you go round and round in circles each time you ask.

GotToChange

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Not at all

Someone said either deal with it or put up and shut up.

You questioned it saying that you can't act that quick on advice given to you in this thread

I said that this isn't the first time you have been advised to step away

You asked if I meant in this thread or on previous occasions

I linked to 2 previous occasions

I am not sure how you are going to resolve this as you go round and round in circles each time you ask.

But why would you want to do that?

I KNOW I am going round in circles - and it's Hell for me.

This is not to say that you can't say what you like - but you are pouring cold water on this and pointing out where I have failed before; what help is that?

I know about the other threads - I created them,

This brings to mind a conversation with my mother when,as I said that I wanted to tell her what I thought about something and she snapped back "We (?) know what you think!" - and I said -
"But you don't know what I think today....."

I am trying to break free of this terrible and terribly destructive pattern of behaviour and I appreciate every iota of help that has been proferred on this thread; I have already said that I cannot snap my fingers and everything change and be rosy when I have a real loss of nerve to get past.

Now I am stepping away from the thread as I want to do a bit more with the day than sit at the pesky computer.

pops5588

GTC, you have to get some counselling. It is the only way that you are going to break this cycle. 99.9% of people on here mean well, but no one is qualified to deal with the amount of pain that has clearly built up within you during your lifetime.

I no longer speak to my father. And burning/chucking away the few remnants that I had of our pitiful excuse for a relationship was a very cathartic experience. Even in your post where you say what you've managed to do with you "collection" of correspondance, it's like you're archiving it!! I'm not trying to put down what you've achieved, it sounds like you needed to do it that way for the time-being, but honestly from an outsider's POV to me it looks like you're putting your father up on a pedestal when he is not worthy of it.

Therapy has been and continues to be incredibly useful for me. I was going down a very dark path that a lot of people in my life were afraid I would not come back from and believe me I was on the receiving end of a lot of tough talk from the people who cared about me most. Of course there are days when you feel drained at the very thought of sitting and divulging your deepest emotions with a perfect stranger, but it is worth the perseverence, I promise.

The only advice I can offer aside from that is please STOP bringing every negative experience round to you. You pin so much on your emotions, your behaviour, your experiences. Some things in life just happen, stop blaming yourself. You're just stacking more heavy blocks on top of your own shoulders, and I know because it's exactly what I've done to myself my entire life.

GotToChange

Thank you very much for your words of advice and wisdom.
I will not be able to get therapy in time, I think (already it is a case of stable door and horse bolting, I fear.....) and am simultaneously impressed and envious of your experience of dealing with a similar situation in your life....

There are no groups or therapists that I could access without (and even then) going through a Dr, which I cannot find myself able to do. I do think that there is very little hope for me.

Equally - and of course, unsurprisingly - there are no poeple close to me who would pull me back from the metaphorical or literal edge.
(The only friend I have actually likes that this goes off as it means I am more reliant on him..... something that has only just dawned on me .)

I am not (consciously) putting my Father on a pedestal - far from it, I do think he is rather a weasel and not a nice person; so the expercise in clearing the "stuff" was meant to be cathartic and cleansing. I shouldn't have posted on here as I know that I have caused frustration for people who are, as you so rightly say, not professionals, and could hardly be expected to know how to "handle" someone like me.

I have always been assigned the ability to make or break a party (and that is not something I wasnt) and maybe that too goes way back to considering that I royally screwed up my parents' lives by being conceived and then exsiting..... who knows? I do not, though, want everything to be about me or be responsible for everything that is wrong - but it is very very hard to shrug off the habits of a lifetime - and the failings of which you are reminded should you attempt to reach out to people who are part of it.

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

........... and maybe that too goes way back to considering that I royally screwed up my parents' lives by being conceived and then exsiting..... who knows? I do not, though, want everything to be about me or be responsible for everything that is wrong - but it is very very hard to shrug off the habits of a lifetime - and the failings of which you are reminded should you attempt to reach out to people who are part of it.

You don't seriously believe this do you? Your parents had every opportunity to terminate a pregnancy - and they didn't!

Blackpool_Saver

I am in the same position, my father has caused me terrible pain and anguish but mine is because he is afraid of his controlling abusive wife. He isn't allowed to have contact with me or his grandson or she makes his life hell.
Why should we have to drug ourselves because our parents are so terrible ?

Nenen

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I am in the same position, my father has caused me terrible pain and anguish but mine is because he is afraid of his controlling abusive wife. He isn't allowed to have contact with me or his grandson or she makes his life hell.
Why should we have to drug ourselves because our parents are so terrible ?

I certainly don't think anyone should 'have to' drug themselves for any reason. In an ideal world, no child would be abused... in a next to ideal world, at least everyone who has been abused as a child would be able to access decent counselling and/or care services if they wanted to, in order to help mitigate the terrible effects. However, we don't live in an ideal world and I just wanted to let the OP know that if she didn't want to go to her GP but felt she would benefit from some form of antidepressants, there is an alternative.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

GotToChange wrote: »

But why would you want to do that?

I KNOW I am going round in circles - and it's Hell for me.

This is not to say that you can't say what you like - but you are pouring cold water on this and pointing out where I have failed before; what help is that?

I answered YOUR question. If you are going round and round and it's hell for you - then stop going round and round, burn and delete the whole flippin lot and get some proper help.

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

You don't seriously believe this do you? Your parents had every opportunity to terminate a pregnancy - and they didn't!

Oh dear (dim and distant past alert......)
and yes, this will involve quoting may father directly (maybe some people will agree with him *shrugs*)

I do believe it I'm sorry to say. I was an unhappy accident - and I guess my sister was 18 months later and the brother after another 18 months, three months after my father had gone back home to mummy. They were 18 and I'm not sure what their thoughts were on contraception and terminations (not so easy then; I think my mother might have tried vodka and hot water or even quinine (is it?....).

This is some of what my father had to say when he wrote to me out of the blue in 2009 (when I had not seen him for 5 or 6 years.....):

"...I have no feelings of regret where you, or D**** (or S**** or whatever his name is) are concerned. Regrets, yes, plenty of those, but my only 'wrongdoing' was when having sex with your mother, to fail to take the usual precautions so that your mother did not get pregnant. I have no defence for this, call it ignorance, inexperience, stupidity, arrogance, carelessness, whatever you like, but these failings are not something that the perpetrator should have to apologise for nearly 50 years after the event. It was a joint effort, and I was not the instigator. None of that is an excuse, but nor is it a crime that I must pay for until I die." ?????

"although my parents were against my marrying your mother and tried to talk me out of it, I felt that this would have been cowardly and dishonourable, and I have always been strong on honour." (Yes, I suppose even at 18.....)

"You must accept that my role as a father was blameless. During some of this time, at least, your mother was having it off with all and sundry. It was only when I discovered as much that I left her - when I also discovered that she was neglecting you and D****, I applied for custody of you [only, as he didn't believe my sister was His and my brother ahd gone for adoption by then....but he wasn't His either, apparently] and got it because your Grandma undertook to look after you." He then left the area at age 21-2. Ho hum.

..." I know that much of my letter reads as a bit of an attack, but I am trying to make you look at the way you behave and figure out what to do about it. Think long and hard before you reply and if I don't hear from you, I will assume you have resigned yourself to no relationship with me....."

"Some kind of love...... Dad"

To say again, he wrote this out of the blue, knowing absolutely nothing about me at that point in time and had not emailed me since the end of 2006, his last words of that email being "You're on your own..." when I was facing redundancy from a lovely job and from which I have never actually picked myself up (job-wise), and I was indeed asking for his help as I knew he had a very successful property business in Spain. That letter was the start of the communications that I have hanging over me now and it is the same old refrain. The letter he wrote to me last week (after my stupid phone call) is more of the same but I actually cannot have it in the house and it is at my friend'a apartment next door but one. Silly, as I have all the rest of them as we all know - but I feel that that last one was very much the last straw.

It is hard to read what he has written and believe anything other than his resentment of me for my early - and continued - existence. Even though he picked himself up nicely from that rotten period of time, in total around 3 years not including the courtship (unless he was pursued and overcome by my then 17-year old mother.....), going on to - without any help from anybody, as he likes to remind me - become an author, businessman and property "magnate" (haha) and have a family - the family - that he should have had/wanted and definitely prefers.