Father issues - still - again......

ecgirl07

:rotfl: my dysfunctional family comfort ate its way through the split too our collective weight yoyos even to this day! https://www.myfitnesspal.com is great for managing weightloss - being all organised and a super pa you will love it - you input everything you eat into it and it works out your calories. you can also input exercise too. you can set a goal of 1lb a week and it will give you calorie limits.

Sounds like you are grieving for your horse possibly the only unconditional love you have had lately - have you thought about getting a wee dug or a wee cat or similar?

Get out your negative head space and tote up all the good stuff about you and your abilities and take control of your life.

Savvy_Sue

GotToChange wrote: »

I worry that a Counsellor would be impatient with me as I haven't "got past" it yet (at my advanced age haha) when - as even just a summary of the relationship would show - the relationship has been made up of huge chasms of time when there was Nothing and such contact as there might be both initiated and stopped by my father - and usually stopped when I have done something wrong.

I would hope that any half-decent counsellor would not be impatient because you haven't got past this - or anything else - yet. And I have seen no evidence that you have done anything wrong in these sporadic contacts with your father.

You're obviously in touch with your uncle: I'd ask him not to pass on any more information to your father, not even that you've asked him not to pass on any more information ... he may or may not be willing to do that - does he have any idea of the toxic effect your father has had on you?

Also there are pet bereavement services, I think I heard the Blue Cross one mentioned on the radio the other day. That could be a first step?

CookieMonsta

GTC, I've read through everything and think you've been given some really good advice.

I'm going through a long phase of good mental health but I've had depression for the last 10 years - I don't think it can be completely cured but it can be controlled. It flares up again when something upsetting happens, like the death of a pet. Your horse meant a lot to you so it's only natural that you will feel down for a while. It may just be a bit longer than you would like.

Please seek counselling, and if you don't like your counsellor, ask for another one! This happens all the time and they won't take it personally.

Counselling is a very personal thing and you have to trust your counsellor completely.

The sessions are difficult and painful to start with because you're talking about unpleasant things. You will cry buckets and you will feel awful. But this is all part of the healing process. You have to be open to it and to be honest with your counsellor because they can help you so much.

GTC, I just want to say that you sound lovely and very intelligent. A counsellor worth their salt will see this and take pleasure in helping you through your issues, they will not think you are boring or weird or that you waffle too much

GotToChange

Errata wrote: »

Why 'some length'? Thyroid malfunction is as common as muck, what's so special about yours?

OK - so "some length" might mean longer than the couple of minutes allocated for an appointment these days....
I do not think that my thyroid issue is "special" - but I do think - having researched quite a lot (NOT necessarily on the internet, although why not??), there are occasions when all the readings show "normal" but the thyroid and pituitary gland have been messed up; this can be triggered by disordered eating amongst other things - and a major indicator is a consistently low (under 36 deg.) body temp - which, along with other symptoms, I do have - having tracked it for weeks.
I also have lost a mere 5lbs in nearly two months, having followed the strictest of strict calorie- and nutrient- controlled diet. This too is a symptom - but I fear that the Dr will - again - not take me seriously if TSH and T4 levels are not showing the "right" numbers.....

(This is something I have posted about on the Health & Fitness board.)

GotToChange

ecgirl07 wrote: »

:rotfl: my dysfunctional family comfort ate its way through the split too our collective weight yoyos even to this day! www.myfitnesspal.com is great for managing weightloss - being all organised and a super pa you will love it - you input everything you eat into it and it works out your calories. you can also input exercise too. you can set a goal of 1lb a week and it will give you calorie limits.

Sounds like you are grieving for your horse possibly the only unconditional love you have had lately - have you thought about getting a wee dug or a wee cat or similar?

Get out your negative head space and tote up all the good stuff about you and your abilities and take control of your life.

May I just mention that I personally haven't been comfort eating.
(I cannot use that as a reason for the wieght gain...... I never touch chocolate, cake, biscuits, fast food - or even overeat anything that is high-calorie or containing sugar/fructose or has been fried by any method.... a real saint, that's me :rotfl:.)

I have always been active; gaining the weight has made me incredibly (stupidly) self-conscious (never had above a B-cup before.... now a couple of alphabet letters have been added) and once upon a time, trained as an aerobics instructor, modelled part-time and easily wore a (New Look) size 4. Now, it is all do much harder to even brave the outdoor world - although I do mountain-bike, having been on at least six 6-10 mile rides in the last week....

Because I hate where I live, I am reluctant to get another animal - although I am starved for animal affection (of my own; I still assist my friend with his horse, who may as well be my own.... and there is talk of another (one of the bones that my father tossed at me when I called him a couple of weeks ago, so that is something I am not taking seriously at all). I am so unsettled that it would not be fair on such animal as I might get. I am so desperate for a dog that I actually dreamt last night of a Golden Retriever that I had that my husband took when he left me.

I recently revisited my past and went back to an animal sanctuary that I volunteered at for four years in the early 90s - but it has been awful.... I am so easily upset that I cannot bear to see the animals and it is not the kind of place where you can show up and take a dog out unless you are planning to adopt. I wanted to ask about fostering but I cannot seem to even get the words out...... [crazy]

Let alone that people who were there all those years ago and who know me have made nasty remarks about how I am "double the person" that I used to be.....

Again - *sigh*

But I really really appreciate your advice and kindness.

GotToChange

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I would hope that any half-decent counsellor would not be impatient because you haven't got past this - or anything else - yet. And I have seen no evidence that you have done anything wrong in these sporadic contacts with your father.

You're obviously in touch with your uncle: I'd ask him not to pass on any more information to your father, not even that you've asked him not to pass on any more information ... he may or may not be willing to do that - does he have any idea of the toxic effect your father has had on you?

Also there are pet bereavement services, I think I heard the Blue Cross one mentioned on the radio the other day. That could be a first step?

Thank you
I think there is a service that helpspeople to make the decision to euthanize and aids through it - but because it was all quite swift (although planning it, which I had been expecting to do, must be just as difficult.....), there was no time to do anything but just get on with it, to stop his suffering.....
As I have said, I am still involved with the care of his field/stable companion but am more worried now as he is left alone, although seems to be coping quite well... but this does not mean that I should "rush" into another one as that is what I did 16 years ago (after a trip to visit my father haha) and - yes, everyone says this - there will never be another OldGrey.....

As for my Uncle....hmmmm.....
Earlier this year, he finally got so p-ed off with me that I knew I had to just back away. He is older than his brother so closer to 80 than 70 - and it is not fair of me to bother him with my worries and so on. He also has four children and 18 grandchildren of his own. If my father wants to make use of him to get to me, I don't approve but can't stop it. But I refuse to do it myself. It's damaged my relationship with my uncle beyond repair.

GotToChange

CookieMonsta wrote: »

GTC, I've read through everything and think you've been given some really good advice.

I'm going through a long phase of good mental health but I've had depression for the last 10 years - I don't think it can be completely cured but it can be controlled. It flares up again when something upsetting happens, like the death of a pet. Your horse meant a lot to you so it's only natural that you will feel down for a while. It may just be a bit longer than you would like.

Please seek counselling, and if you don't like your counsellor, ask for another one! This happens all the time and they won't take it personally.

Counselling is a very personal thing and you have to trust your counsellor completely.

The sessions are difficult and painful to start with because you're talking about unpleasant things. You will cry buckets and you will feel awful. But this is all part of the healing process. You have to be open to it and to be honest with your counsellor because they can help you so much.

GTC, I just want to say that you sound lovely and very intelligent. A counsellor worth their salt will see this and take pleasure in helping you through your issues, they will not think you are boring or weird or that you waffle too much

Thank you for eveything you have said....
I know I should follow through with trying to get some help - am just worried, based on my previous experiences.

Thank you too for saying that I sound "lovely and intelligent".... maybe not so much in real life?? (And I do wish that my father could see that too....)

I have wasted so much time and emotion - but could not have stopped myself.
:embarasse

pukkamum

GotToChange wrote: »

I envy you the peace of mind that you seem to have achieved. It's funny how narcissitic men behave isn't it (although at the moemnt, the jury is out on whether or not my mother is NPD too.....)? Were all his wives slim, blonde and eager to please.....? (My father's were/are - but obviously only the third was good enough....., this has lasted since 1971)

I really should take a leaf out of your book, shouldn't I? If only it could be so "easy" for me to do that.

He is different though in that he will tell me that it IS only me that he doesn't want a relationship with - he never even got to know my sister or brother so gives himself a pass on that but he tells me, as does my mother that he (they) wish/es he had not bothered with ME, personally. Very sad and very difficult to shrug off.....

Again, I am envious of the peace that you (with difficulty an strength of character) have achieved.

Yes all his wives were younger than him and definate trophies, his charm, looks and intelligence hooked them in but then his real personality took over and they all left him.
Obviously this is becuase of their failings not his, and each one screwed him over in some way.
I spent many many years feeling unloved by him and a cruel stepfather, I gained huge amounts of weight and was crippled with self doubt.
Then my stepfather died and with it a weight was lifted from my shoulders as I knew I was never going to get the love, apology or explanation from him that I was deperate for and this in time made me realise I was never going to egt it from my father either.
Only you can change how you feel, you have to decide if you are going to let this man ruin your entire life and if so to what end, so on your deathbed, you can rage about the injustice of it all and blame everything that went wrong on this one man?
The only power he has over your life is the power you give him, and by living your life in a bubble of self pity, guilt and upset you give him more power than he actually has and are proving evry scathing putdown he ever gave you.
For your own sake cut him out, take back the control and sort yourself out, prove to him that you can be happy in spite of all his attempts to belittle and upset you otherwise put up and shut up.
I know that sounds harsh but what else can be done?

thorsoak

I'm going to turn this thread round on its head, Got to Change .....how is your relationship with those who SHOULD matter most to you - your children?

ecgirl07

on the body image front - if you have doubled or even trebled from a new look size 4 to a new look size 12 i imagine most folk would say you are looking well :beer:

serioulsy GTC you put a negative spin on everything. How many msers who were size 4 in their youth are still size 4 come middle age?

and as for having beyond b boobs embrace it :beer: shoulders back chest out take on the world head and chest held high!