Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Speaking from experience OP that I won't go into - you NEED to burn the letters. You need to destroy them completely. Both the letters and your father are controlling you and that isn't right.

You also need to distance yourself from your father. Do whatever you have to do to get this man out of your head. If you want to remain in contact and he starts talking about the past, tell him you don't want to talk about it and if he won't shut up walk away or put the phone down. There don't seem to be any boundaries here and there needs to be. You have to protect yourself rather that setting yourself up for more pain because you don't seem to be able to say no to him.

If you're not on anti-depressants, then I think you should be. You sound awfully depressed and yes, again I'm speaking from experience. You need help too. You need a therapist who will help you process what has happened to you in a helpful way and allow you to be free of him because at the moment, you're hurting yourself.

You are so right, I know.

You know what though - were I to ONCE put down the phone on him, wlak away or refuse to answer a text message or email* (haha, would not dare) - that would be IT. This is not a relationship that survives me being "tough" - so most of what upsets me has to be internalised - or broadcast (sometimes riskily) on here.
(*Hence the rather cowardly approach of changing the numbers and addresses.)

I am in denial about the depression as I usually manage to function. But I did end up calling the Crisis Team on Friday afternoon (when I got his latest letter) as I was afraid of what I might do to myself..... Although they promised to see me the next day, when I called back, I was asked to explain the problem all over again and when I said the I was "still alive" they didn't seem to think there was any issue.

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

You know what though - were I to ONCE put down the phone on him, wlak away or refuse to answer a text message or email (haha, would not dare) - that would be IT. This is not a relationship that survives me being "tough" - so most of what upsets me has to be internalised - or broadcast (sometimes riskily) on here.

Wouldn't that be a massive relief?

GotToChange

Mojisola wrote: »

Realistically, you can't expect any "snapping of fingers" and changing overnight.

It will not be an easy path but should become easier as you shift your thinking. The weight of your past will be dragging you down and it's normal to feel much better as you change your thinking.

It's also often scary - although where you are isn't a happy place, it is familiar and most people find it uncomfortable moving away from what feels normal - that why it takes abused partners so long to leave.

What has happened in your life has made you who you are now but you have the power to change the future. I think you need to go through what amounts to a grieving process for the parents you wanted but never had.

It's a trite saying but nevertheless true that every journey starts with one small step. Don't try for giant strides - every little step that takes you in the right direction is an achievement and the accumulation of little steps will get you to a happier place.

I know that what you are saying makes absolute sense - but I have no idea how to take even the smallest step (that is obvious, I know......) as I am just doing it in a vacuum.

Anything I would have wanted to do to repair (hell, even have) the relationships with my parents would have meant connecting with them somehow. If I am not able or allowed to do that, it's just thoughts spinning around in my head - and even they are not consistent, one minute "I give up!" - another "What can I do to make "this" better or right?" when I know that it is almost hopeless.

This is not meant to sound as though I am reluctant to help myself, which is not so at all. I just - without counselling, which I know will be a long time coming (I cannot afford £50/hr privately) - cannot see how I can improve things for myself by myself.

GotToChange

Mojisola wrote: »

Wouldn't that be a massive relief?

No.

It would terrify me.

And, he has (almost) no right to say it. I deserve better and have done nothing (exepct by his measure of worthiness) to deserve it (although I know he could spin it differently).

poorly_scammo

GotToChange wrote: »

were I to ONCE put down the phone on him, wlak away or refuse to answer a text message or email* (haha, would not dare) - that would be IT.

Then he isn't worth bothering with. Not at all. He's a cancer, a parasite not a parent.

heartbreak_star

Please go to the docs, GTC, and get some help for your depression.

It may give you the strength to get this poisonous man out of your life.

With the emails/letters? I have a slightly amusing suggestion...download the emails onto a small memory stick, then delete them and wrap the stick in paper. Bury stick and letters in the garden, and plant a bush on the top and manure the bush.

They'll still be there for a while, but will it really be worth the hassle of getting them?

HBS x

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

I know that what you are saying makes absolute sense - but I have no idea how to take even the smallest step (that is obvious, I know......) as I am just doing it in a vacuum.

Anything I would have wanted to do to repair (hell, even have) the relationships with my parents would have meant connecting with them somehow. If I am not able or allowed to do that, it's just thoughts spinning around in my head - and even they are not consistent, one minute "I give up!" - another "What can I do to make "this" better or right?" when I know that it is almost hopeless.

It can be very hard to see your way out - again, that's quite normal.

I don't think you're going to be able to move on until you take the difficult step of cutting off all contact with these corrosive people. Okay, they may be biologically related to you but would you have anything to do with them if they were just neighbours or work colleagues?

They are no good for you! They are the weight that is holding you down, making you feel bad about yourself and stopping you living your life.

There have been several threads about narcissist parents - the journeys taken by the MSE members may help you deal with your problems. Be prepared for some reading!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

GotToChange

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Please go to the docs, GTC, and get some help for your depression.

It may give you the strength to get this poisonous man out of your life.

With the emails/letters? I have a slightly amusing suggestion...download the emails onto a small memory stick, then delete them and wrap the stick in paper. Bury stick and letters in the garden, and plant a bush on the top and manure the bush.

They'll still be there for a while, but will it really be worth the hassle of getting them?

HBS x

Good idea, I just wish there could be an easier way to d/l the emails. It seems that I have to open them to be able to remove them (only options from the inbox list); that's well over 100 emails that I would have to at least half-read .

Reminds me of stopping smoking or spending with various inanimate objects being immersed in water and put into the freezer .

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

Good idea, I just wish there could be an easier way to d/l the emails. It seems that I have to open them to be able to remove them (only options from the inbox list); that's well over 100 emails that I would have to at least half-read

Can't you do a search and bring up all the emails from him and then do a one-click deletion? I can with gmail.

GotToChange

Mojisola wrote: »

It can be very hard to see your way out - again, that's quite normal.

I don't think you're going to be able to move on until you take the difficult step of cutting off all contact with these corrosive people. Okay, they may be biologically related to you but would you have anything to do with them if they were just neighbours or work colleagues?

They are no good for you! They are the weight that is holding you down, making you feel bad about yourself and stopping you living your life.

There have been several threads about narcissist parents - the journeys taken by the MSE members may help you deal with your problems. Be prepared for some reading!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

May I just ask though, how I cut off contact with them when there is so little (certainly not enough - you would think - to warrant the amount of headspace that it "demands") communication anyway. As I have said, seen my Father twice in the last decade....
...my Mother (who lives only about half an hour's drive (for me, she doesn't drive) away), I last saw on Mother's Day. 2011.
I lived at my previous house for nearly 13 years, and she had been to my house twice (once for only 5 minutes) - which is still double the no. of times my father had.
So, although I know cutting off contact is absolutely the only healthy option - 1) They would be pleased (which is rather hurtful) - and 2) there is nothing to cut off.
It's such a horrible quandary, I really wish I could have ECT or something to make it less of an issue and be less destructive to the rest of my life.