Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

Errata wrote: »

You're probably right. Every time you let him treat you badly it proves to you that he's a bad dad. Why do you need that confirmation over and over again?

Because it's better than nothing.......?

Even though it probably isn't, I know that.

lulu650

In response to your original query OP, no-one appears to have any good ideas on how to store years and years of correspondence.

Everyone has good ideas on how to move on with your life though but you would prefer not to use any of those suggestions.

I haven't read any of your other posts, but do you have your own family to concentrate on, or close friends?

GotToChange

lulu650 wrote: »

In response to your original query OP, no-one appears to have any good ideas on how to store years and years of correspondence.

*sigh* - I know. Basically, that was "all" I wanted - but I drifted into self-pity and over-sharing. Again.

Everyone has good ideas on how to move on with your life though but you would prefer not to use any of those suggestions.

Not sure what you are saying.... I haven't said that I prefer not to use any of the suggestions and besides, lovely and greatly appreciated as they are, they are a little general. Very very supportive - but general. And my issue at the start was how to sort the papers and emails out so that they didn't weigh so heavily on me.
This is/was a different slant on what has gone before - but I didn't really start this feeling as sad as I have ultimately become.

I haven't read any of your other posts, but do you have your own family to concentrate on, or close friends?

Even if I have (did), I am not sure that they would or should be mutually exclusive. That said, when I was married, my husband came from a normal family and, whether I bleated on about it or not, he could never even attempt to figure out the mess that was my "family" - and it played a huge part in my downfall as a wife and mother.

My replies are ^^.

elsien

How many are there and how sorted do you want them?
Looking at it as a purely organisational issue, tackle it like you would a messy office.
Do them in date order. Then with self discipline you can sort out the order without having to read and wallow. Think of it as archiving rather than reading.So first sort them by year - depending on how many there are get a box or bag for each year and just sling them in to start with. Just temporarily so you dont end up with little piles all over the floor. Then for each year, get a big envelope per month and stuff in whatever you have for that month. If it were me I'd print off the emails and put them in the relevant month. Then delete them. You can record more info on the envelope about the contents if you want. The important thing is to look on it as purely administrative filing, so you're noting the contents as headings without reading through each one. Start with the paperwork, then once that's done print off the emails a bit at a time and file as before. Manageable chunks.
Or if there's not that many section off a box file.
Seal, box and archive. Or burn.

Alternatively get a friend you trust not to be nosy to do it for you.

GotToChange

Thank you elsien

I just checked the emails (already separated out into their own folder); there are 132 to and from, some with multiple page attachments.... *sigh* (this was mainly mid 2009 to end 2010, even then with substantial gaps, i.e. nothing from Dec '09 to June '10.... then after Sept '10, the replies became one-liners, so most were from me with few back to me....).
Other than that (not including the older stuff - 1986 to ?2000), there are seriously only about four or five letters that he has written to me, the previously mentioned cards/envelopes and (usually) electronic versions of letters that I have sent and others (draft versions of those that did go), notes and lists and so on and the photos of the letters/cards that I have sent to him in the last year. It is all quite a mess, even though you would think it shouldn't be...
I think the main thing I am trying to do is some kind of list/overview, just so - without all of the nitty-gritty - I can just know what happened when.
I am sure there is some deep and meaningful reason for it; I prefer to think that I am just trying to create some kind of order, know what has happened - generally speaking - over the years (and yes, in case of questioning if I am accused of being ignorant or something) and be able to put it to one side without obliterating it and myself altogether.
I desperately want(ed) to be able to do that and took the risk of looking like a tragic specimen who can't stop wallowing by potsing here and asking for practical advice, which you have finally offered. x

Savvy_Sue

I know you don't have much hope of counselling helping, but have you had any? Posting here doesn't seem to help that much, and you really do seem very down.

ecgirl07

GotToChange wrote: »

Because it's better than nothing.......?

Even though it probably isn't, I know that.

1. delete the emails sent and unsent

2. take a match to paper copies

3. bin any new letters once you have read them

4. be otherwise engaged for the whole of august, for goodness sake dont be sitting around waiting (with some kind of i knew it anticipation) to be a let down to this guy. You owe him nothing.

5. go get counselling to deal with the fact your dad is a sh*t, cut him out your life and move on.

Nobody pathologically keeps emails sent and unsent, unsent word docs, letters and scraps of notes in good healthy relationships the fact you are means this is completely unhealthy.

You have an archive of pain you seem to enjoy wallowing in - delete and burn, keeping it is doing you no good what harm will come if you delete and burn??? Jings you are this unhappy with him in your life - is it possible to more unhappy cutting him out?

harrys_nan

This relationship is toxic, if you was married to him, I'm sure by now you would have divorced him.
You DONT need him or his bluddy letters/emails in your life, the only person who can put an end to this is you and you don't appear to want to.
You have had some very good advice on here, but seem to want to ignore it.
Just try and put everything on to a memory stick or disc and see what happens if you destroy the originals, at least if for some bizzare reason that upsets you, you will still have them but in another formatt. I know I would feel better.Dont answer anymore letters/emails from him.
Help your self, nobody else can

January20

GotToChange wrote: »

Having just re-read (with embarrassment) some of my previous threads on this very subject, I find it hard to believe that I will manage to move forward.....
....I certainly haven't managed it so far.

The thing is, do you really want to move forward or are you just, in a twisty way, quite content wallowing in self-pity, writing these threads, getting the same advice, ignoring it and not changing anything? Honestly?

Burn the letters
Destroy the emails - sent and unsent (!)
Change your telephone number(s) so you can't torment yourself about him not calling you (he won't call you anyway!) and stop this man (he is no father) controlling your life.
Don't open or reply to any future letters

and GET CANCELLING because you really need it!

You are wasting your life. It's so sad!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

You are playing the part that your parents have defined; they make out they hate you, you hate yourself and then in turn everyone hates you.

Well done!

And you have all the mementos that help you to stay in your box. Yay.

The only person that can stop playing this part is you.