Father issues - still - again......

elsien

GotToChange wrote: »

....and yet, he would be so offended if I were to take that approach.

So let him be offended. No skin off your nose if you don't have anything to do with him anyway. No law that says you have to open and read any letters or emails. Nothing that says you have to keep trying to have any sort of a relationship. He's in a different country so you're not going to be worrying about bumping into him around every corner. If it causes you that much worry, let it go. I know that's not as easy at it sounds. But it's doable.

GotToChange

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

You aren't keeping it because you might forget some of the crud; you are keeping it so you can remember the crud. Until you realise that - you will never move on.

Well, it's both I think. But I have to remember how crap it has been, otherwise I think that it could be better - I only have to make my best efforts.......

(Yep. Sad, I know. And wrong.)

meritaten

OP - You cannot control how your parent reacts - yet I think you have this agenda in your head - which is never met.... and all contact fails to meet your hopes. are your hopes too high? I hate to say this as I feel family contact is good usually - but this guy is just not worth all this?

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

Well, it's both I think. But I have to remember how crap it has been, otherwise I think that it could be better - I only have to make my best efforts.......

(Yep. Sad, I know. And wrong.)

You are going to be making the same posts next year, the year after and the year after that - nothing is going to change your father's attitude - he's been like this for how long? thirty years? Nothing you could have said or done would have changed him - but you seem to be hugging on to the "what might have been" person.

It's so sad - you are wasting your life and regrets on someone who just does not desrve it - and who doesn't even realise the effect he has had on you- you just aren't important enough to him - and until you realise this, you will continue to waste your life on regrets.

System

You know what i'd do? I'd burn the blasted lot of them. At least you wont have to read them or even see them again and you can begin to heal.

I know from time to time you will think about him with pain but at least your eyes wont be polluted with his words.

GotToChange

meritaten wrote: »

OP - You cannot control how your parent reacts - yet I think you have this agenda in your head - which is never met.... and all contact fails to meet your hopes. are your hopes too high? I hate to say this as I feel family contact is good usually - but this guy is just not worth all this?

Well, I think about this and I know that I would settle for so little, so I don't think my hopes are too high - but possibly anything would be too high?

I was actually doing quite well in (mentally, as geographical is already covered) distancing myself. I moved and did not give him my new address, but his brother then passed it on so he felt inclined to write. But then, when I write back, I am told that I mustn't.

Even after the call on 1/7, I actually changed my number so that the call he would attempt the next week would fail. But the laugh was on me as, as the letter that he sent proved, he had zero intention of calling me anyway.

It's so tiring*. People tell me to "walk away" - but now can I walk away from someone who is effectively pushing me away anyway.











*There is a strong chance that this could quite easily become tired of living.

GotToChange

Judi wrote: »

You know what i'd do? I'd burn the blasted lot of them. At least you wont have to read them or even see them again and you can begin to heal.

I know from time to time you will think about him with pain but at least your eyes wont be polluted with his words.

The more I read you lovely people saying this, the more I begin to feel that it may just be the best thing to do.....
....but all of my life I have been expected to deny my past, not even have one. Ugh, it's so hard.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

GotToChange wrote: »

The more I read you lovely people saying this, the more I begin to feel that it may just be the best thing to do.....
....but all of my life I have been expected to deny my past, not even have one. Ugh, it's so hard.

Do you often read all these letters and emails?

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

....but all of my life I have been expected to deny my past, not even have one. Ugh, it's so hard.

I don't think you should deny your past - you need to accept it - think "I had a crap Dad but I don't let him get to me any more".

It can be really empowering to burn the next letter you get, delete the next email without opening it, put the phone down if he rings.

You don't need him in your life!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I think you really need to change the way you are dealing with this; seriously - you've been going along doing the same thing for years...just bite the bullet, burn and delete.