Father issues - still - again......

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

Look - there is only one person who can change your attitude towards your father - and that is YOU!

Only you can decide whether or not you are going to let this man continue to drag you down further - or whether you are going to cut the emotional strings and let yourself live a full life. At the moment, all you seem to be doing on these threads is fuelling the negativity that has been such a large part of your life for so long.

If your father died tomorrow - what would be your regrets? That you did not have the father that you think you should have had? Or that you did not say the things to him that you wanted to, but dared not voice?

He would not allow me to say something that he didn't want to hear and if I put a foot wrong (in his opinion) then he will not get in touch with me (and would hang up on me if I called - if I was allowed his number....) for years and years. I had lunch with him in 2003 (or 4?) and then again in 2010. I was cheerful and happy-go-lucky and he granted me a two-hour window of time. Other than that, it has been email and snail mail. No calls allowed - except for my mistake of calling him on 1/7, which is why I am in this mess all over again...

He has not lived in England since 1981 (ish) so there has never been the chance to just be "casual" - it is always something of an event. I must not spoil it.

GotToChange

CH27 wrote: »

Exactly! Destroy the lot & the cloud will start to lift.

Is it wrong and tragic to think that it's all I have.

The fact remains though that even I don't want to read through it all again, so why I should keep it hanging around, especially with how it makes me feel, is almost - almost - beyond me

GotToChange

bossymoo wrote: »

It sounds like you need to learn some ways of removing his control over you. Start by deleting the emails. Accept you are your own person. Not his person, he does not, nor did he ever, own you. He can tell you how to respond or what not to do. But you actually decide whether to follow these orders or not.

Once you believe you have a choice in all of this, it will become easier to break the reactionary habits.

You do not have to remember things just because he says so. You do not have to wait if you want to contact him. You do not have to reply because he demands. And so on.

Accept that, currently, you are adding fuel to the situation, you are enabling the behaviour. Once you realise that, and realise that you cannot change another person, only how you react to them, you are half way through the battle. You will realise that whilst you have felt powerless in the past, you in fact had the choice all along to say "No! Come back and talk to me when you are prepared to be reasonable!"

You really can do something about this. And that puts you to the advantage, because it really does sound like he is beyond change.

Oh bossymoo, I really do agree with you - and it is the kind of advice that makes total sense.....

He freely admits - and has done since the age of about 30 - that he has no desire to change. An utter narcissist, some of what he has said is almost unbelievable. The problem is that I would "forget" and feel that I should make some effort to understand and care about him (he says that I do not) and get badly burnt again.

I do know how ridiculous it sounds. If I didn't retain the letters, I would worry that I would forget something important.

Cursed.

thorsoak

GotToChange wrote: »

He would not allow me to say something that he didn't want to hear and if I put a foot wrong (in his opinion) then he will not get in touch with me (and would hang up on me if I called - if I was allowed his number....) for years and years. I had lunch with him in 2003 (or 4?) and then again in 2010. I was cheerful and happy-go-lucky and he granted me a two-hour window of time. Other than that, it has been email and snail mail. No calls allowed - except for my mistake of calling him on 1/7, which is why I am in this mess all over again...

He has not lived in England since 1981 (ish) so there has never been the chance to just be "casual" - it is always something of an event. I must not spoil it.

He would not allow you to say something he didn't want to hear? He has not been a father to you - he's just been a sperm donor!

Stop mourning for something you've never had - nothing will ever change - if he was an obnoxious colleague that you've worked with in the past - do you mourn such people?

meritaten

its quite simple - what do you want to be the outcome?
we got all those angsts and options.

what is it you really want to be the outcome? what is it you want from him?

bossymoo

Then let him go. Just let him go. He is no "dad" to you. Break free and concentrate on the meaningful relationships in your life.

It's just "stuff".

Bella73

GotToChange wrote: »

He would not allow me to say something that he didn't want to hear and if I put a foot wrong (in his opinion) then he will not get in touch with me (and would hang up on me if I called - if I was allowed his number....) for years and years. I had lunch with him in 2003 (or 4?) and then again in 2010. I was cheerful and happy-go-lucky and he granted me a two-hour window of time. Other than that, it has been email and snail mail. No calls allowed - except for my mistake of calling him on 1/7, which is why I am in this mess all over again...

He has not lived in England since 1981 (ish) so there has never been the chance to just be "casual" - it is always something of an event. I must not spoil it.

Hiya. I've not read all your past posts but you need to stop letting him have all the control. The bit I am not understanding is why you would want to contact him in the first place as he obviously makes you feel rubbish.

I cut contact with my parents five years ago now and it was the best decision I ever made. I came to the conclusion that if ever we did speak I was left feeling upset and you know one I day sat down and thought why do I put myself through this?? I am a grown up and I wouldn't accept the behaviour from any friends so why accept it from my parents. Since I did that it was like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders and I've been happier in the last five years than I was for years before.

As someone said if you can't yet destroy the letters etc the. Just shove them all in a box and in the loft and forget about them. Don't bother to contact him and move on with your life. Everybody deserves happiness and if you wouldn't let your friends treat you like your Father does then don't accept it from him either.

elsien

GotToChange wrote: »

I do know how ridiculous it sounds. If I didn't retain the letters, I would worry that I would forget something important.

Like what? And does it really matter anyway? As someone who no longer has a relationship with my own father (and tbh am much happier for it) what's in the past is past. I don't actually care if I forget who said what to who and when. He's now an irrelevance.
And it doesn't matter if the irrelevant stuff goes awol out of your memory. It really doesn't.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

You aren't keeping it because you might forget some of the crud; you are keeping it so you can remember the crud. Until you realise that - you will never move on.

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

He would not allow you to say something he didn't want to hear? He has not been a father to you - he's just been a sperm donor!

Stop mourning for something you've never had - nothing will ever change - if he was an obnoxious colleague that you've worked with in the past - do you mourn such people?

....and yet, he would be so offended if I were to take that approach.

Juts a mini backstory about being prevented from saying some-, any-thing he does not want to hear....
On 1/7, I had my horse put to sleep at around 11:00pm. As he had asked after the horse's health (in a PS) in his last letter, I felt I wanted to tell him. He is in Canada so minus 5 hours.... When he picked up and I said hello, my tone must have been unacceptable and so when he asked why I was calling, as I took a breath he said (in a really dark tone), "Think verrry carefully about what you say next".

The conversation did not go well and although he said he would call me the following week (??), he had no intention as the next day he fired off a letter - that I received late last week due to him sending it to my old address, even though he has the new one , and has used it..... which worries me rather than offends me) - telling me that I must not call him again as he wants to be the person who initiates a call but he won't do it anyway as I am too miserable and only interested in myself, he says.
(Prior to this call, he had been "planning" to visit me when they come to England in August, after visiting one of my (half-) brothers in Germany. Now, who knows....? I guess I have to wait and see - and won't know until August is over and he has been and gone.)

It may sound such a small thing but I really can't handle it any more.... I think that wanting to organise all the letters and s**t is my pathetic way of trying to cope.

I know that there is nothing I can do about the way he is towards me. I have been very unlucky; other children got away completely, still others had the benefit of his attention, interest and, yes, money (he is quite wealthy but has repeatedly told me that he will not give me money - and no, I have not asked since I was about 18......). Because his parents "took me on" (for him), he stayed in my life somewhat. He still hates my Mother and what "she did " to him - maybe he wants to make me pay. Who knows?