Father issues - still - again......

elsien

If you really can't let go of them - and I agree with everyone else that for the sake of your sanity that you should - at least keep them somewhere really difficult to get to, so it's an effort to get to. And certainly not on the computer where the temptation is always there to revisit them.

You said you needed them in case you were accused of things and wanted to check. I'd lay money on it that any "proof" will be meaningless to your father and will be twisted and thrown back at you. Or ignored as not relevant. Or used to make you feel bad. Why give him the ammunition to do it with?

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

Simply put, I hate myself.

I always have and suppose that I always will.

The actions of both of my parents do nothing other than confirm the fact that I am quite right to.

Why are you letting the actions of people (who obviously aren't nice people) control your future?

We are all who we are because of what's happened to us in the past but we don't have to let those things control our future!

If you want to wallow in a "poor me" state for the rest of your life, you can but you won't be happy and people won't stay around you for long. You can see that as more evidence that people think you're hateful but, in truth, it will be because they will recognise that you're not willing to help yourself to change.

No-one can help you unless you're ready to make the changes - that applies to all addictions and you are addicted to your past.

MakeupAddict_2

GotToChange wrote: »

I think the main thing I am trying to do is some kind of list/overview, just so - without all of the nitty-gritty - I can just know what happened when.
I am sure there is some deep and meaningful reason for it; I prefer to think that I am just trying to create some kind of order, know what has happened

Hi GTC

Right, if I'm talking out of the wrong end of my anatomy please feel free to tell me, but the way it looks from here.....

Subconsciously you are thinking that if only you can organise all the stuff in the right way, find a magic jigsaw where all the pieces fit in the right place, they will suddenly come to life before your eyes Pinocchio style, and in front of you will be the father you wish you had. That he'll be living, breathing and caring. Unfortunately this isn't a Disney cartoon, and wishing with all your might isn't going to make it happen.

Whether it's because you are a constant reminder of your mother, or because your father is too wrapped up in himself, or he's a control freak or..... he's never going to be what you want him to be. Occasionally he remembers that he has a daughter and feels that he ought to contact you out of duty, but then his narcissism takes over and he can't carry it through without it being on his terms. The photos and emails are just bits of paper, or ones and zeros on a computer. In themselves they are meaningless, but you are giving them significance, because however little they are all you have of him.

I'm not sure there is any order you can file them in that will allow you to let go, you'll always find some way to torment yourself with them. The Victorians were great at classification of plants, animals, insects, dividing them into ever smaller groups in the belief that if they organised them enough they would understand them. It didn't work, they just ended up with an awful lot of sub groups and gave future botanists a heck of a headache trying to learn all that Latin. You remind me of those Victorians, equating organisation with understanding.

He controls your life, and even when he's (most of them time) physically out of it you allow the letters and emails to control you by proxy. Let them go, where and how they are stored is irrelevant.

Counselling would help. One of the basic premises of counselling is that if you can't change the situation, you can change the way you feel about it. From all you've written that's going to seem like an impossible thing to ask, but although it will take time you can get there. You were dealt a raw hand in the parent stakes, no doubt about it, but you don't have to let it define your life. A skilled counsellor will work with you to find ways of letting go, of accepting what life handed you without rancour so that you can move on. But like an alcoholic who gives up the booze, that can only happen when you're ready to let it.

MuAx

Errata

GotToChange wrote: »

Because it's better than nothing.......?

Even though it probably isn't, I know that.

In other words, you benefit from the relationship and that's why you continue with it.

GotToChange

I want to thank you all for responses that you have offered; I thought that the thread would fade away - and now my laptop seems to be on a go-slow.

I want to say though that I don't 100% agree with the notion of me wallowing in "this" and refusing to change.... In my perverse way, I did think (with my somewhat depressed mind) that organising the physical/electronic material - which, yes, is all I have of this "relationship" - may help me to put it aside. Quite how I am meant to eliminate entirely this core and lifelong aspect of my life and character (and yes, it has defined me, and continues to - in a very harmful way) is something I am sure I would need counselling to be able to do. Previous efforts at counselling have not really helped me, in part because I have been unable to talk about this failing of mine in any great depth; it takes too long, I get too upset and dramatic and I have usually pushed it aside for so long that I have forgotten why I feel so bad, I just know that I do. Again, probably sounding like an excuse (and believe me, I am not usually a hoarder....), the material that I have is something of source of reference - who on earth could remember the **** that has gone on, to be able to tell someone who could maybe help them, unless they have something to refer to? (rhetorical)

I do want it out of my head (even though it goes deep and way back) and, to repeat, this is maybe why I have kept this stuff and need to organise it. In that, and much else, MakeupAddict is absolutely right and her (your) words hit me (to be slang about it) "right in the feels".

To defend myself a little, to reiterate, I cannot totally agree with those saying that I am wallowing.... I think that because I have answered each post/most posts without seeming to "move on"and yes, my general feeling is one of defeat and that it is very hard for me (and yes, I have hated myself more as the thread has grown and it has appeared that I am a glutton for punishment [heck, maybe I am....], so seem self-pitying) to just snap my fingers and deal very differently - and finally - with a part of my life that comes and goes as it pleases, leaving me in a bit of a muddle.... So I understand the frustration with me that is now permeating the words of advice.

(Hmm - here I am defending myself again...... I sense a pattern *sigh*)

Again, MuA, thank you especially so much for the great insight; you are so right; also ecgirl - when you say that no-body does what I do? I guess I thought it was just "the right thing" to do even though my father has told me beforenow that he has "accidentally" deleted all the emails that were exchanged and I know for sure that he would not hang onto any letters that I may have sent to him - heck, the man cannot even allow me more than a couple of hours of his time in a decade. The way you have written makes it sound - in the nicest possible way - that I am some kind of weirdo (and who knows, maybe I am; there are certainly times that I have very very dark thoughts - as in, that I will never be free until somebody in this strange relationship is dead.....)

BUT - I do forget to hate him (her, too), have never achieved indifference (largely because I am just that type of human being) and thus, without this material, would just allow myself to be controlled shoiuld he deign to make any kind of appearance in my life.

At this point though, it would be difficult;
I changed my telephone number after the miserable call on 1/7
I told him my mobile was stolen (it wasn't) when I was burgled (which I honestly was) as I didn't feel able to reply adequately to his text messages. Thus, he has no mobile no. for me.
Address wise, even though he *should* know it, he has used the c/o address until now (and even my old address); I do not think for a moment that he would turn up here (the c/o address is two doors away, although ha s different streetname) were he unable to contact me by other means - he does not waste his time like that.
Email was shut down as far as he knows and I have never given him the new one (having his emails just appear in the middle of the night was terrible and not something that I could continue "allowing" to happen". He did send a couple of emails after I told him that it was closed, so I faked a bounceback type response.....)

I half-smiled when reading the comment (again, ecgirl) that I would then say "I told you so" when he came and went in August without contacting me. So - sadly, I promise - very true.... That has happened in the past as I have related here, should it happen again, whether I want to or not (and I don't want to....), it would hurt my feelings. I am not detached enough - and am ashamed to be so weedy.


BUT - as he mentioned in his latest letter that he didn't feel too well, I am half-tempted to call my half-brother who lives in the same area (of Quebec) to check that he is all right - but doing so would blow my cover so to speak as, at this point I have not acknowledged his latest letter (easy to do as it went to the wrong address.....) which also gives him a bit of a "get out" should he have regretted what he said.
(Usually though, mentioning his health is a deflection and shield against getting cross with him. He is an incredibly healthy 70 year old with a fantastic lifestyle, just about to board the Queen Mary (2) to sail the high seas to Europe. But nevertheless, (I think) he knows that I would be concerned about his well-being and therefore hesitant to be unkind to him or say something that I shouldn't.)

So, I am making myself mostly unavailable in an actual sense, I am not wallowing or enjoying this - I don't even really want to hang onto it. There are many times when I have wished out loud that such part of my mind that hangs onto and recollects all the crap could be cut out, lobotomised - sort of..... but, to repeat myself again (and to paraphrase a line from The Rabbit Hole - which I saw again the other evening), it is "what I have instead of a [insert parent here]". Cuttting it out leaves a (strangely enough, considering how little there is or ever has been) pretty big hole - and it's a hole that does not get filled by anything else.

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but from your original post at the top of this, I would suggest the following:

I feel the reason you cannot get closure is you are still looking at these. Is it to justify your responses to him, to justify the hurt you are feeling, to catalogue it and use it as a file?

The reason for what might be harsh questions that I put above is that no matter how much sorting, searching and filing that you do. You will just go over and over and over the whole hurt of life.

Your head is not resting, and it continues to relive the hurt and angst.

The only way I have found to get over this is to talk about the issues to a counsellor (a hypnotherapist, where you talk about your experiences under the relaxation of hypnotherapy) has helped me. You are able to talk about it, park it and move on.

Personally I fear you will not be able to overcome these issues, that are causing you heartache in your current life, just by filing.

poorly_scammo

Speaking from experience OP that I won't go into - you NEED to burn the letters. You need to destroy them completely. Both the letters and your father are controlling you and that isn't right.

You also need to distance yourself from your father. Do whatever you have to do to get this man out of your head. If you want to remain in contact and he starts talking about the past, tell him you don't want to talk about it and if he won't shut up walk away or put the phone down. There don't seem to be any boundaries here and there needs to be. You have to protect yourself rather that setting yourself up for more pain because you don't seem to be able to say no to him.

If you're not on anti-depressants, then I think you should be. You sound awfully depressed and yes, again I'm speaking from experience. You need help too. You need a therapist who will help you process what has happened to you in a helpful way and allow you to be free of him because at the moment, you're hurting yourself.

poorly_scammo

To add: Someone once told me that you have to accept your parents for who they are. I thought that meant that no matter how dysfunctional they are you had put up with their behaviour but actually it doesn't.

It means that you accept that they are awful/cruel/weird whatever and that no matter what you do they will never change. Once you accept that then you see them for what they are and change your behaviour accordingly for the better. You learn to distance yourself and instead of being controlling monsters or what have you, they become rather weak humans who have little influence over you.

GotToChange

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but from your original post at the top of this, I would suggest the following:

I feel the reason you cannot get closure is you are still looking at these. Is it to justify your responses to him, to justify the hurt you are feeling, to catalogue it and use it as a file?

The reason for what might be harsh questions that I put above is that no matter how much sorting, searching and filing that you do. You will just go over and over and over the whole hurt of life.

Your head is not resting, and it continues to relive the hurt and angst.

The only way I have found to get over this is to talk about the issues to a counsellor (a hypnotherapist, where you talk about your experiences under the relaxation of hypnotherapy) has helped me. You are able to talk about it, park it and move on.

Personally I fear you will not be able to overcome these issues, that are causing you heartache in your current life, just by filing.

Thank you....

I hope no-one thinks that I revisit all the material for bedtime reading; I promise that I don't. In fact, that the letters, emails, notes, photos are so disorganised because I hardly look at them

...and then when I do, it all seeems to be so complicated and represents the state of my mind (on this topic).

I worry that a Counsellor would be impatient with me as I haven't "got past" it yet (at my advanced age haha) when - as even just a summary of the relationship would show - the relationship has been made up of huge chasms of time when there was Nothing and such contact as there might be both initiated and stopped by my father - and usually stopped when I have done something wrong.

I know that ^ sounds like self-pitying remark but it genuinely has been that way that it has, I don't know how to put a positive spin on it; the only way to even just state the way it has been will always sound self-pitying....

Mojisola

GotToChange wrote: »

Quite how I am meant to elimniate entirely this core and lifelong aspect of my life and character (and yes, it has defined me, and continues to - in a very harmful way) is smoething I am sure I would need counselling to be able to do.

I do want it out of my head (even though it goes deep and way back) and, to repeat, this is maybe why I have kept this stuff and need to organise it.

To defend myself a little, to reiterate, I cannot totally agree with those saying that I am wallowing.... I think that because I have answered each post/most posts without seeming to "move on"and yes, my general feeling is one of defeat and that it is very hard for me (and yes, I have hated myself more as the thread has grown and it has appeared that I am a glutton for punishmenet [heck, maybe I am....], so seem self-pitying) to just snap my fingers and deal very differently - and finally - with a part of my life that comes and goes as it pleases, leaving me in a bit of a muddle.... So I understand the frustration with me that is now permeating the words of advice.

Realistically, you can't expect any "snapping of fingers" and changing overnight.

It will not be an easy path but should become easier as you shift your thinking. The weight of your past will be dragging you down and it's normal to feel much better as you change your thinking.

It's also often scary - although where you are isn't a happy place, it is familiar and most people find it uncomfortable moving away from what feels normal - that why it takes abused partners so long to leave.

What has happened in your life has made you who you are now but you have the power to change the future. I think you need to go through what amounts to a grieving process for the parents you wanted but never had.

It's a trite saying but nevertheless true that every journey starts with one small step. Don't try for giant strides - every little step that takes you in the right direction is an achievement and the accumulation of little steps will get you to a happier place.