Prodigal Father - the next chapter

GotToChange

I of course don't expect or want anybody to re-read my sad and sorry tale but I don't feel right re-telling the whole saga (I'm rambling already....I will try to be succinct)

After the attempt at email communication (which in the end failed) last year, we finally met for lunch a few weeks ago. We had a pleasant enough time - although I am ever-conscious that he only tolerates sparkly happy people so had my best bright blonde head on (sustainable for a few hours). He told me something of his plans - although there were so many options that I became confused (I did focus on his talk of a farm in southern France where he would want me to go and start a small B&B and breed llama or alpaca) - and besides he said that it may all come to nothing and he is well aware that he has dangled carrots in the past and then snatched them away so didn't want to do that again....

He returned to Canada the day after our lunch and after a few days, I emailed to say thanks and tell him that it had been good to see him. The only thing I mentioned that wasn't cheerful was a little update about my horse/passport/livery issues - other than that I was as breezy as can be.

He emailed back to say that I must only email every few weeks and that I must not indulge in angst. Rather pathetically, I felt myself being gagged (as well as misunderstood...) and really didn't know what I was meant to do. He seemed to also want me to have some fresh involvement with my step-mother and two half-brothers - and their partners - and yet, he wants/ed to hear nothing whatsoever about my daughter - the only one of his grand-shikfdren that he has ever seen...

There seems to be such an imbalance.

A couple of weeks ago, he sent me the manuscript for his latest novel (so far rejected/unpublished, although he has published novels in the past). From then, the focus became "business" (he again dangled some kind of future carrot - i.e. paying me for my input - note; this has now been withdrawn) as I knew that he would not want to hear anything from me other than the "Book Report".

I sent him a short review at the weekend and although he has said that it doesn't affect our relationship, it clearly has. His reponse to my (and it was) point of view extended to four pages of justification and explanation and defence. I didn't want it to go that way at all - and what should have given us common ground may well drive a(nother) wedge between us. And, for the record, I wan't hyper-critical; he had asked me where he was going wrong and so I gave him my opinion - which was subjective. It wasn't detailed - even though I had made some note on every page of the manuscript so I could have said a lot more. I could not escpae the fact that it was his hard work and I was not about to attack it, although I know he has seen it that way (he referred to my assessment as an assassination in an email this morning; the row of smilies did not fool me at all....).

So, last night I Skype'd for the first time (again at his instruction - although using the work "instruction" prompts him to say "Now, now, that sounds like the "Old GotToChange "[i.e. the one he doesn't like]) - and after that conversation felt like topping myself. My critique of his novel aside, he was annoyed that I wasn't clear about his future plans - which are now moving to Nice for a few months (he had not told me that was definite) and writing another novel; so he expects me to remember something that wasn't clear but thinks it is fine that he asks e again if I have a cat (is it so hard to remember - we only met up a few weeks ago and I showed him photos of the (non-materialising) cat.
(Sorry, that sounds pathetiuc but it is an example....)

He hasn't lived in the UK for an many years but hates it and has said that the best thing he did was to leave it (about 1979-80 I think); he said that he didn't ever believe that he was going to have a humdrum life (he's not exactly a Nobel Prize nominee), not for him the kids and wife and staying in a home town all his life. I tried to remind him who he was talking to but he talked over me. I asked him when he thought that his life started to change for the better - he said when he was about 20 (that would be the time that he left his wife and two daughters behind but not without making sure that I was torn away from my remaining family also).

He emailed me this morning (last night for him, probably straight after the Skypwe call) to (apart from the assassination remark) tell me that I probably shouldn't call him (at my) late at night if I have no sense of humour and he has to do all the talking....

I know that he believes that I am super-sensitive. He just makes me feel plain bad. The fact that we are - materially - poles apart is an issue of course; he is so smug and arrogant that I don't know if I can see any point; it is so toxic. There is only so much that DNA can hold together and I think I am failing again.

How do I get out of this and (much as I hate the expression) move ON?

I am so sorry this is long-winded (and yet it is very abridged). As in the case of my Father's book, there is a prequel to this which I cannot bear to regale people with). I just do not know how to handle this - I am (even at my advanced years) so very ill-equipped.

seabright

I haven't read your previous thread (although am happy to do so if you can link to it), but what I immediatly think is "what are you getting from this relationship?" Nothing, as far as I can see, nothing that enhances your life in any way.

He's not interested in being a father, he's not interested in anything other than himself. I suspect he just views his children as a reflection of himself and therefore gets annoyed if that's not a reflection of the perfect person he seems himself as.

So, why should you be interested in being his daughter if he's not interested in a father to you? There is nothing to say we have to keep in touch with/pander to family members. Just because they are blood relatives does not automatically make them good people.

Blood is thicker than water but treacle is thicker than blood - see how pointless that makes the first half of the statement?

You wouldn't stand for this sort on nonsense from a non-relative, you'd have dropped them years ago, and quite rightly.

Let him get on with his own "wonderful" life and you get on with yours. Good luck!

flutterby_lil

Hi
Sorry I read your post and got a bit confused, couldn't follow on.
Hope you sort things and live happily ever after. Not sure what else to say.
Good luck.

Rockporkchop

GotToChange wrote: »

How do I get out of this and (much as I hate the expression) move ON?

You cut all contact with him. Pretend he is dead, if it helps. Sometimes you have to admit defeat when it comes to family and stop letting them poison your life. You tried your best but now you need to put an end to it for your own sanity.

GotToChange

seabright wrote: »

I haven't read your previous thread (although am happy to do so if you can link to it), but what I immediatly think is "what are you getting from this relationship?" Nothing, as far as I can see, nothing that enhances your life in any way.

He's not interested in being a father, he's not interested in anything other than himself. I suspect he just views his children as a reflection of himself and therefore gets annoyed if that's not a reflection of the perfect person he seems himself as.

So, why should you be interested in being his daughter if he's not interested in a father to you? There is nothing to say we have to keep in touch with/pander to family members. Just because they are blood relatives does not automatically make them good people.

Blood is thicker than water but treacle is thicker than blood - see how pointless that makes the first half of the statement?

You wouldn't stand for this sort on nonsense from a non-relative, you'd have dropped them years ago, and quite rightly.

Let him get on with his own "wonderful" life and you get on with yours. Good luck!

Thank you for you words of advice. This is such a a long-standing situation that it is hard to break free - although in the ten years of no communication (his choice), I didn't feel quite as bad as I have done since we have been in touch. It's peculiar. And pathetic, I know.

Please don't feel that you have to read my whole story - this link MAY work - but it may explain a little why I am such a head-wreck...

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2141781=

mpet

Please remember, you can choose you friends but you can't choose your family HOWEVER, that doesn't meant to say you have to like them/speak to them/have any contact with them.

This relationship (and I say this in the loosest terms) doesn't seem to be making you happy. As previous posters say - cut all contact. Don't reply to e-mails, Don't take phone calls, bin any letters. Or if you are feeling very brave - tell him not to contact you as you feel your relationship isn't working and you have little in common.

Why make yourself unhappy pretending to be someone you are not as your father only likes 'sparkly happy people'

sashadesade

Sounds like this guy just makes you miserable, so I'd agree with everyone else - cut him out. I think you'd feel better for not having him around at all than having him pick you up and drop you as he pleases. There's no special way to go about it, just don't contact him any more and ignore contact from him. If you're forced to talk to him, just say that you don't want anything more to do with him and leave it at that; you don't owe him anything, not even an explination.

kazwookie

Move on with out him in your life.

Lara44

Super advice from Seabright :T I think that (frustratingly) you can't change this person and so if you want to maintain contact with him you'll have to modify your expectations from him. That must be hugely disappointing and feel terribly unfair - you would be well within your rights to discontinue communication entirely. It sounds as though he has treated you shabbily and continues to do so. In my opinion the only way to keep in touch would be if you find a place for him in your life that's less like 'father' and more like 'weird cousin twice removed'. I really feel for you Got to Change and I hope your father didn't inspire your choice of username! Change should be for yourself, to make you happier

LilacPixie

GTC - you seem unhappy, he does not seem to make you happy. If it was a friend having such issues with a partner you would be telling them to bin the bloke and if he could not accept and love them as they are then they deserved no part in your friends life. The only difference in your situation is its you and the male just happens to be the provider of half your DNA. Sorry but I think your father is toxic and should be avoided at all costs.

poppyscorner

I am sat pondering your situation and thinking to myself what kind of a father doesn't want to hear from you unless you are happy bright and breezy ?

I will be honest and say I am a daddy's girl me and my dad love each other to bits he'd walk over hot coals for me and I would do exactly the same in a heartbeat now don't get me wrong I know I am lucky and of course we can argue like every other father/daughter out there but it comes to it and whether i am happy or sad my dad is there for me 200%

ExH left I blamed myself I cried and cried I was with my dad who's gonna want me now I asked him he looked at me tears streaming down my face and told me who wouldn't I am a beautiful young woman (he also had tears streaming down his face at the time) (i've shed a tear as I typed that lol)

My point is I get a lot of pleasure from our relationship and I think thats just how it should be if he behaved the way your dad has I would be telling him I am who I am somedays I feel rubbish and some days I will feel like I wanna cry as my dad I expect you to listen and help to guide me. I'd give him a chance to explain himself / answer me and then i'd cut him off I really can't see any benefits to your relationship you sound like you can't be you around him and there is something wrong in that

Wish you the best of luck xx