Prodigal Father - the next chapter

GotToChange

Oh - you are all so right. I have to step away from the computer for a short time - I will answer your kind - and sensible - responses in a little while.

westiea

Hi Gotochange

Well I am of the same opinion as the others, hard as it is to say and more to do, you need to move on with your life and not be a puppet that he keeps playing with when he wants.

A father/ daughter relationship is a strange one. We idolise them and want to please - but occasionally we have to accept that they are not good for our mental health and I think in your case you need to accept that and decide that you 'don't want to play this game' any more.

To move on is hard. Myself, I would write a list of what you are gaining versus what you are not from this relationship - and of course I do not mean financial! I think you will find that the cons out weigh the pros by a huge amount.

I would write him a letter - as yourself - not the pretend bright and breezy you, but the normal 'hell I have good days and bad days' you.
Tell him how you feel, shoot from the hip, but leave an 'out' for him so that if he is prepared to accept that there is a huge imbalance in his attitude to you, he is able to readdress it. If not then his loss - my husband went through a very similar thing with his father years ago and he decided that as he never really was a father to begin with, he had nothing to lose by cutting off the relationship later.

My view is that when we are old and god help us lonely, our spouses may not be there, grandkids are busy, well regrets come along thick and fast - again it will be his loss not yours.

LegalBlonde

Just forget it, cut all contact and be firm. Look back in 6 months and you will be much happier. I have done it for years with a family member. events unfolded recently which made the majority of family think they should be back in touch with them - i didn't get in touch, to people's sheer disbelief at first and now it has all calmed down, things are still the same from both ends and I am glad I didn't get back in touch.

It can be done. If it cannot in your case, it is because you are thinking about it too much. Find something else to occupy your time, take stock in 6 months and things will be much brighter.

LegalBlonde

i just read your Part I and all I can really take from that is that people were giving the same advice in 2009 and yet you are still in the same situation. I hope you really draw the line now and don't bother with him. If his out of the blue contact possibility is annoying you - change your skype, email, facebook etc.

sueeve

I know of one famous person who calls her long gone father 'the sperm donor' because basically that's all that he has been in her life. Fathers do things that show you matter to them. Fathers have your best interests at heart. They don't always agree but they do care. Leave him. Mentally divorce him as a father.

bof_3

I remember reading your original thread and wondering why on earth you would allow this person to hurt you so much, I'm sorry to hear that you're still allowing yourself to be treated this way.

It's a horrible thing to have a s****y childhood and awful/absent parents but it doesn't have to define the rest of your life. You control your emotions and people will only treat you the way that you allow them to.

I really hope you can get rid yourself of this toxic relationship and build on the one that does matter - your daughter.

donquine

You may want a father, but this man isn't him. You sound confused and upset and it isn't hard to understand why. I think you need to accept that this man is always going to be selfish and never put your best interests first. He really is dragging you down (emotionally) - walk away.