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The Prodigal Father. What to do?
GotToChange
Posts: 1,471 Forumite
As a child, I was constantly told "Thousands of chidren come from broken homes"... Strangely, I never knew any; this was the 60's.
I know that nowadays, absent, errant and even non-existent Fathers are more commonplace. That doesn't make it right or the situation (mine or anyone else's) any easier to deal with; I so wish that it did. Much as I wish that, as my life has progressed, it would bother me less. Instead, it gets harder.
This is the history of my Father and I - by his choice, not mine:
Summer 2003 -
I invited him to lunch at my home (he was in England visiting his brother and some friends); he declined to visit and asked that I drive to the other side of my nearest city (itself 20 miles away).
Jan 2000
Funeral 1 - my grandmother (who "took me on" at age 3) - his mother.
I was not allowed to be part of the family/mourners and was told a few years later that I "didn't look at" him (and his wife).
Funeral 2 - grandmother's sister. Didn't have much to do with each other.
May 1999
In the midst of rather dreadful divorce proceedings, he inisted that I go on holiday with him and his wife (meeting eldest of his sons there) to Florida (Naples).
Christmas 1996
Invited my daughter and I to visit him and his family (wife and two sons); having only just revealed that they were actually in New Zealand, not Brisbane (as he had been telling me for nearly three years). Went crazy when I didn't repay him for the flights quickly enough, got very angry when we hoped to do more than sit around their house (and indeed borrowed one of his cars to visit some newly-made friends). Said friends (brother's g/f's family) had only been made because no plan had been made for care of my daughter on New Year's Eve when fancy event planned at which no kids allowed and they babysat her.
Daughter's christening
Arranged for when he (& wife) would be in the UK (from then, France); he told me that I had got it wrong. Didn't attend.
I think he has so far seen my daughter once other than the trip to NZ. She was 21 last May.
My wedding (2.5 years earlier)
The plan to have him give me away backfired when he "had to go back to France" two days before the wedding; something about the mortgage. His brother gave me away - and managed to take the p out of me in his speech. Nice.
Sometime in the 80's -
I visited them (sons were about 7 and 5) in France; first day his wife told me "Your Father's indifferent to you". She couldn't wait for the stay to be over and told me so.
Prior to this -
Went with Grandparents, Father & S/Mother and their first son on a family holiday. He read what he thought was my Diary but was actually the teenage fantasies of a lonely misfit.
They came to live in our home town - he would visit occasionally and berate me for "sulking" "being lazy" and "being moody". He gave me pocket money of 10p a week.
With Grandparents, visited him and Second S/Mother in Devon. I wanted to stay there but couldn't.
With Grandparents, visited him and First S/Mother in Cheltenham. I wanted to stay there but couldn't. (They had a dog.)
Before this, I have no memory of him whatsoever. He and my Mother divorced when I was three - for some unknown reason, he applied for and was granted custody of me. He promptly unloaded me onto his parents, whose version of taking on legal guardianship was to say "Shall we keep her?" The sister 18 months younger than me stayed with our Mother, the brother 3 years younger was adopted straight from the incubator in which he spent the first six weeks of his life (I didn't even know about him until I was 27).
This list must make it seem that I hold a grudge - or grudges in fact. I try my best not to - but he doesn't make it easy - and he seems to hold so many himself.
Apart from the lunch in 2003 (!), I have not seen him for nearly ten years now. At the time of the holiday in America, he lived in England; after his eldest son completed his degree here (the only reason for "coming back" from NZ), they went to live in Spain. He would not tell me his address or telephone number, although was part of a business easily found via the internet. After we had "the lunch" we were in email contact for a while and he dangled quite a few carrots (a job - Christmas holiday with them - lifestyle change) which is his usual M.O. Nothing ever comes of it and, true to form, he found some reason to tell me that I had "blown it" - but wouldn't tell me how. Our last communication (until recently) was when I emailed him in a panic when about to be made redundant from my much-loved job just before Christmas (3 years ago). The last words in his reply were "You're on your own."
So be it. What can a person do when there are no means of contact - when they hear nothing and have finally become so afraid of the rejection that they wouldn't try anyway. By earlier this year, I had come to terms with "having" no Father (an oxymoron if ever there was one), I was mentally drafting a letter - with no address to send it to - in which I just put the record straight: That I DID look at him at the funeral, I just felt so out of place... That - when I rang him to ask for "help" on one occasion - it wa because I needed his input as a Marketing manager for a presentation I had to do as part of an interview for my dream job (managing a rescue centre for the BHS) - not -as he thought - money, as he must have done for his reply was "no" [hangs up] to my "Can you help me with something please?"
So, I was calm about it - about him. Never had, never miss, right? Always there but never there. Goodness knows, I wished that I had been adopted instead of the years puntuated by admonishments from him and being "allowed" to be a spectator of their lives alongsside the total disinterest in my daughter and I. Whenever brave enough to call him (when I DID have his number), to be met with "Leave me alone, get a man" or "How did you get this number?" or - strangely on one occasion - "I'm sure that you would have sent me a birthday card if you could"...
What to do when a person like this, a person who carries the title "Father" with such obvious reluctance, writes to you out of the blue - his timing, his terms, his pace (i.e. will ignore replies if he feels like it) - what to do - when this person reappears - but with so many conditions and rules, expects you to conform - or he will be "gone" forever?
What to do...?
I am stopping this now as over-long posts can be irritating I know. There isn't any way to make this shorter - although there will be a Part II.
x
I know that nowadays, absent, errant and even non-existent Fathers are more commonplace. That doesn't make it right or the situation (mine or anyone else's) any easier to deal with; I so wish that it did. Much as I wish that, as my life has progressed, it would bother me less. Instead, it gets harder.
This is the history of my Father and I - by his choice, not mine:
Summer 2003 -
I invited him to lunch at my home (he was in England visiting his brother and some friends); he declined to visit and asked that I drive to the other side of my nearest city (itself 20 miles away).
Jan 2000
Funeral 1 - my grandmother (who "took me on" at age 3) - his mother.
I was not allowed to be part of the family/mourners and was told a few years later that I "didn't look at" him (and his wife).
Funeral 2 - grandmother's sister. Didn't have much to do with each other.
May 1999
In the midst of rather dreadful divorce proceedings, he inisted that I go on holiday with him and his wife (meeting eldest of his sons there) to Florida (Naples).
Christmas 1996
Invited my daughter and I to visit him and his family (wife and two sons); having only just revealed that they were actually in New Zealand, not Brisbane (as he had been telling me for nearly three years). Went crazy when I didn't repay him for the flights quickly enough, got very angry when we hoped to do more than sit around their house (and indeed borrowed one of his cars to visit some newly-made friends). Said friends (brother's g/f's family) had only been made because no plan had been made for care of my daughter on New Year's Eve when fancy event planned at which no kids allowed and they babysat her.
Daughter's christening
Arranged for when he (& wife) would be in the UK (from then, France); he told me that I had got it wrong. Didn't attend.
I think he has so far seen my daughter once other than the trip to NZ. She was 21 last May.
My wedding (2.5 years earlier)
The plan to have him give me away backfired when he "had to go back to France" two days before the wedding; something about the mortgage. His brother gave me away - and managed to take the p out of me in his speech. Nice.
Sometime in the 80's -
I visited them (sons were about 7 and 5) in France; first day his wife told me "Your Father's indifferent to you". She couldn't wait for the stay to be over and told me so.
Prior to this -
Went with Grandparents, Father & S/Mother and their first son on a family holiday. He read what he thought was my Diary but was actually the teenage fantasies of a lonely misfit.
They came to live in our home town - he would visit occasionally and berate me for "sulking" "being lazy" and "being moody". He gave me pocket money of 10p a week.
With Grandparents, visited him and Second S/Mother in Devon. I wanted to stay there but couldn't.
With Grandparents, visited him and First S/Mother in Cheltenham. I wanted to stay there but couldn't. (They had a dog.)
Before this, I have no memory of him whatsoever. He and my Mother divorced when I was three - for some unknown reason, he applied for and was granted custody of me. He promptly unloaded me onto his parents, whose version of taking on legal guardianship was to say "Shall we keep her?" The sister 18 months younger than me stayed with our Mother, the brother 3 years younger was adopted straight from the incubator in which he spent the first six weeks of his life (I didn't even know about him until I was 27).
This list must make it seem that I hold a grudge - or grudges in fact. I try my best not to - but he doesn't make it easy - and he seems to hold so many himself.
Apart from the lunch in 2003 (!), I have not seen him for nearly ten years now. At the time of the holiday in America, he lived in England; after his eldest son completed his degree here (the only reason for "coming back" from NZ), they went to live in Spain. He would not tell me his address or telephone number, although was part of a business easily found via the internet. After we had "the lunch" we were in email contact for a while and he dangled quite a few carrots (a job - Christmas holiday with them - lifestyle change) which is his usual M.O. Nothing ever comes of it and, true to form, he found some reason to tell me that I had "blown it" - but wouldn't tell me how. Our last communication (until recently) was when I emailed him in a panic when about to be made redundant from my much-loved job just before Christmas (3 years ago). The last words in his reply were "You're on your own."
So be it. What can a person do when there are no means of contact - when they hear nothing and have finally become so afraid of the rejection that they wouldn't try anyway. By earlier this year, I had come to terms with "having" no Father (an oxymoron if ever there was one), I was mentally drafting a letter - with no address to send it to - in which I just put the record straight: That I DID look at him at the funeral, I just felt so out of place... That - when I rang him to ask for "help" on one occasion - it wa because I needed his input as a Marketing manager for a presentation I had to do as part of an interview for my dream job (managing a rescue centre for the BHS) - not -as he thought - money, as he must have done for his reply was "no" [hangs up] to my "Can you help me with something please?"
So, I was calm about it - about him. Never had, never miss, right? Always there but never there. Goodness knows, I wished that I had been adopted instead of the years puntuated by admonishments from him and being "allowed" to be a spectator of their lives alongsside the total disinterest in my daughter and I. Whenever brave enough to call him (when I DID have his number), to be met with "Leave me alone, get a man" or "How did you get this number?" or - strangely on one occasion - "I'm sure that you would have sent me a birthday card if you could"...
What to do when a person like this, a person who carries the title "Father" with such obvious reluctance, writes to you out of the blue - his timing, his terms, his pace (i.e. will ignore replies if he feels like it) - what to do - when this person reappears - but with so many conditions and rules, expects you to conform - or he will be "gone" forever?
What to do...?
I am stopping this now as over-long posts can be irritating I know. There isn't any way to make this shorter - although there will be a Part II.
x
0
Comments
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I wouldnt bother. He just needs you close when he feels insecure and he wants to play happy families. When everything is going his way,hes selfishly happy and just enjoys life.
Heres a very pertinent tune to your situation...and mine...see PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlHdjjHNEC8Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..0 -
Hi there chuck.
What do you want out of this relationship?0 -
GotToChange wrote: »What to do...?
I don't know whether I'm harder than others or just more pragmatic....but this isn't a situation I would have any problem in dealing with if it were me.
I'd cut contact and get on with my life with people who wanted me.
'Blood ties' mean nothing if there is no respect, those are just words used by people who feel guilt at being part of a sub functioning relationship imo.
You seem to be like a moth to a flame......you know the flame isn't going to have your best interests at heart but you still go to it.....and so you still get hurt.
Move on for your own peace of mind.Herman - MP for all!
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You have genetic ties to this man, just as you have genetic ties to the woman who gave you birth. Obviously there was something fundamentally wrong in THEIR relationship - and sadly, you have suffered the damage.
Let it go. Who you came from is of no import. What you can become - WITHOUT THEIR HELP AND DESPITE THEM - is the thing to focus on. You are literate, you are brave, you are doing well. Blow the lot of them!
{{hugs}} YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.0 -
Being a father myslef, I canot believe that he would treat you like this.
He is not worthey of being refered to as your father.
Mind if i ask what contact you have with your mother???
Hugs and kisses. XXX:jTo be Young AGAIN!!!!...what a wonderfull thought!!!!!:rolleyes:0 -
Sounds like my dad - who blew his last chance with me and now doesn't exist as far as I'm concerned. He came back into my life at every single milestone - only to let me down time and time again, and the last time I had any contact with him was during my uni years when he left the tart he left my family for, and showed up bereft and a broken man begging for a chance to get to know his daughter again. I gave him that chance, felt quite shaken at the state of him - and, what do you know, within a fortnight of him starting to get back on his feet and his old bravado back again - he was sat there criticizing my mother, my aunt, my entire family and telling me I was letting myself go as well. That's the last time I had any contact with him. He pops up periodically - always around the time there's a milestone due in mine or my brother's lives - we had the "I'm dying of terminal cancer" email the week my brother got his A level results... then the "I'm dramatically cured of terminal cancer" one just before his graduation. I just decided enough was enough with giving this man, who blatantly has no respect or affection for me, the repeated chances to get my hopes up of having a relationship with him again - lots of people wouldn't have given him the chance I did when he popped up while I was at uni - I gave him that and he decided to blow it. He's now up to three kids, views the women from all of them as "thieving lionesses" and has naff all to do with any of them from what I gather - he'll die a lonely, pathetic man when all the things he has to define himself (fancy cars, fading looks - the years are not being kind, and a career that's distinctly rocky) are gone... it was his choice he made. I sound like a right hard cow don't I? Just hit my limits of being let down and decided enough was enough (and I doted on my dad before he walked out just before I was 10).Little miracle born April 2012, 33 weeks gestation and a little toughie!0
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What to do when a person like this, a person who carries the title "Father" with such obvious reluctance, writes to you out of the blue - his timing, his terms, his pace (i.e. will ignore replies if he feels like it) - what to do - when this person reappears - but with so many conditions and rules, expects you to conform - or he will be "gone" forever?
You ignore them. You ignore the letters. Or if you can't you write back and say "Goodbye" His behaviour is disgusting to be frank. He's emotionally manipulating you so he benefits and you don't. Don't let him do it.
Are you hanging onto the threads of this relationship because you wish it were different? That you wish you had a proper relationship with him? In the meantime you've stuck yourself in limbo hoping one day he'll do the right thing and behave in a loving, supportive manner...
I don't think this is going to happen.
This man is a sperm donor, nothing more and you've given him more than enough chances. And been kicked in the teeth more than enough times as a result. I'm sorry chuck, you need to cut whatever ties you have with this man because he's doing you no good at all and making you feel miserable.
When people start making your life difficult or unpleasant, walk away. Life's hard enough without people like them dragging you down to their level."carpe that diem"0 -
It seems to me that the more you let this man have power over you the more he will abuse and mistreat you. If it was possible to believe that he was mentally ill it might, in a pinch, be possible pity him but I doubt he is. He sounds like a complete and utter monster and I think it would be much healthier for you to not let him into your life any more.
Walk away and begin a happier new life without him or anything to do with him in it. Goodness knows you deserve it0 -
IF you want to meet with him, set your own terms and conditions - if he can't or won't meet them then don't go.
You've been dancing to his tune all these years, if he wants to see you enough then he'll abide by your conditions, if he doesn't, he won't. Either way you won't have any burden of guilt if/when he is no longer around.0
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