The Prodigal Father. What to do?

Lara44

Got to Change I am wishing you all the best with all these difficult thoughts and feelings. I really don't think that you should be doing it alone, and I would really recommend getting some counselling. It can be so helpful to have a framework to talk about and then hopefully start to deal with some of these feelings and find new ways of going forward.

Also it would be a great shame if you weren't to have a good relationship with your daughter, because of the legacy of this treatment by your family. Wouldn't it be something amazing to work towards ending these issues here with you, rather than them enduring across another generation. It's Christmas now and there's always the chance to change things, even to change the effect the past has on the future of things to come.

Take care x

maria777_2

GotToChange wrote: »

he has told me that the past is dead and buried, I must not mention it, bygones, water under the bridge - name any metaphor you like - he flatly refuses to dicuss "The Past" -

This is a luxury he should never be allowed. He is accountable for his actions and the effect they have had on you - the person that he has a duty to protect. If he will not recognise his failings then you are more than justified to stop him hurting you anymore by cutting him out of your life.

The only way would be for me to have no opinion, no thoughts, no feelings, no memory, no personality - nothing else would be tolerated and he would have nothing to do with me

This would not be a relationship of any value would it? If this is how he makes you feel its only ever going to cause you pain.

(believe me, if he knew what a sad excuse for a person I am, he would certainly never bother anyway).

It's quite clear from your posts that you are so much more than that! How many people would even be contemplating trying to repair this relationship having been through what you have? That takes a very forgiving and generous person in my book!

(Please excuse my self-pity. Maybe it's the time of year.)

No wonder you feel like this! Don't apologise for it - stop berating yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, you do deserve it!

I really hope you work this out.

GotToChange

he has told me that the past is dead and buried, I must not mention it, bygones, water under the bridge - name any metaphor you like - he flatly refuses to dicuss "The Past" -

This is a luxury he should never be allowed. He is accountable for his actions and the effect they have had on you - the person that he has a duty to protect. If he will not recognise his failings then you are more than justified to stop him hurting you anymore by cutting him out of your life.

I wish that it could be my choice; he is the one who is making the threat of cutting me out of his life (not that anybody is actually in anybody's life at this point). He "speaks" to me as though I am (even though, remember, HE wrote to me in the first place) some kind of cast-off lover who needs to be warned off. It really is quite peculiar.

The only way would be for me to have no opinion, no thoughts, no feelings, no memory, no personality - nothing else would be tolerated and he would have nothing to do with me

This would not be a relationship of any value would it? If this is how he makes you feel its only ever going to cause you pain.

Exactly! I quote him here "Unless you think what I think and want what I want, then we can go nowhere and it is with much regret that I say that it will truly, finally, be over" - I mean, what....?

(believe me, if he knew what a sad excuse for a person I am, he would certainly never bother anyway).

It's quite clear from your posts that you are so much more than that! How many people would even be contemplating trying to repair this relationship having been through what you have? That takes a very forgiving and generous person in my book!

Thank you - not to diminish your kind words - but I guess I am 1) Good with (written) words 2) A bit like one of those sad pets who keeps coming back even to get a telling off; it's better than nothing, right?

(Please excuse my self-pity. Maybe it's the time of year.)

No wonder you feel like this! Don't apologise for it - stop berating yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, you do deserve it!

I have to try, I know that. Sometimes, you never realise that you are merely hanging on by a thread - until a light shines on that thread, It's quite scary. Before I received his latest email, I thought that I couldn't feel any worse; I was wrong - and would give anything to go back to how I felt before I read it.


Thank you again Maria for such kind and insightful words.

x

Kazipoo

shinkyshonky wrote: »

Wow what a powerful story
Glad you came out of it okay

Thanks, but honestly, I don't see my life as special or different in any way to anyone elses. I don't feel like I have missed out on life or let it pass me by. To me, my life is the same as anyone elses, just with different memories. I don't even blame them for the way they were when we were younger, for the neglect and abuse, but I do feel sorry for my mum.

She will have a whole room full of people convinced that she is wondermum and that we are the evil devil children, spawn of satan etc, that we never appreciated what she did for us, that she stayed in an abusive relationship because of us.

My father worshipped the ground my mother walked on, which is why I have forgiven him for hitting us, because she was always the one stood behind him saying "hit her harder, make her cry!"

When my dad first found out he was ill, I went to see him in the hospital, he was feeling sorry for himself for obvious reasons. My sister had gone previously and being a tough cookie, told me to expect him to whimper and tell me that he loved me, because that is what happened when she went to visit, but she decided not to forgive him, she told him he was a bully and that he was weak, she said "its payment for all of the horrible things you have done on this earth!" I can understand why she said those things, just as she understands that I forgave him, and it works out just fine, we have accepted that we have differing opinions of him and moved on.

In the hospital, for the first time ever he told me that he loved me and then cried and apologised. It made me cry too. I didn't know how to respond to this once strong man and I left. That was the last time I saw him, we didn't live close enough to be able to visit regularly and my mother didn't tell me when he had gone downhill. I would like to have gone to let him know that I forgive him, and that I loved him so that he could pass over in peace, but my mother knew this and hated that I felt that way. So for that, I will never forgive her.

It has taken me 37 years to finally tell my mother a few home truths, to empower myself and to realise that no matter what I do, I will never have her approval, her understanding or her love, she was just not cut out that way. I truly believe we were all put on this earth for a reason, to learn lessons, and I have learnt a lot about myself and the personalities of others. I think that my purpose on this earth was to marry a wonderful husband and have four beautiful daughters that will then go on to do greater things.

I know my daughters are spoiled, and they all want for nothing, that is a consequence of my upbringing I am sure, but they know the difference between right and wrong and I would like to think that they are well rounded individuals who would have no problem coming to me if they need me, and I would also like to think that when they are older, they will be able to look back on their younger life and think "I had a good life!" which would please me no end.

GotToChange

Again - thank you for telling me this. Your daughters are very fortunate and I am certain that what you wish for will surely happen.
I do admit to feeling ashamed that I have suffered far less and equally succeeded far less. Ah well.

I have just drafted my attempt #4 of a reply to my Father's latest email - which I will no doubt (no bad thing) fail to send; not the best thing to do with Angelis on the CD player and reading humbling life experiences. *splash*
x



*Goes to change CD - maybe War of the Worlds?*

Kazipoo

GotToChange wrote: »

Again - thank you for telling me this. Your daughters are very fortunate and I am certain that what you wish for will surely happen.
I do admit to feeling ashamed that I have suffered far less and equally succeeded far less. Ah well.

I have just drafted my attempt #4 of a reply to my Father's latest email - which I will no doubt (no bad thing) fail to send; not the best thing to do with Angelis on the CD player and reading humbling life experiences. *splash*
x



*Goes to change CD - maybe War of the Worlds?*

I wouldn't say you suffered any less, in fact I would say that you probably suffered more. I always knew where I stood where my parents were concerned. I was sure of the things, rightly or wrongly that happened in my life. I knew my mother was overly jealous of any relationship I had, but more so with the one I eventually had with my dad. She hasn't changed.

Feeling rejected constantly is not an easy thing to live with, in my instance, I had shared experiences with my sister and brother, my sister moreso as she was only a year older than me. When we were younger we fought for the attention, but now we are very close and have a trusting and loving relationship. Our rejection was shared, so we had someone to help us through our childhood, we had each other.

You have been terribly alone from the looks of things, and although no actual abuse may have taken place, in your situation it certainly looks like emotional abuse and mental torture, which I would put as far worse than any beating. You find yourself time and time again, seeking your fathers approval, constantly hoping that one day he will include you in "his family", because perhaps you feel like an outsider, excluded from the family life you yearn for so badly.

My suggestion is, if you are not ready to confront your father yet, then don't. You have to be ready, it has to be on your terms. What I would suggest you do instead, is begin to make your own family, with your child, start to make happy memories that will last into their adult life. Make sure your daughter knows that you are the one person that she can rely on. Don't allow your narcissistic father to ruin a relationship that he should have no say in. A narcissist needs to know that they are ruining the life of others, that the person they prey on develops a need for them. They have an uncanny knack of making you feel like you are in the wrong, despite the fact that you have done nothing. They live in an imaginary world where they are god. Google it, believe me it is an eye opener, it will help you come to terms with the sort of person your father is, and will help you realise that you can move on, you don't need him in your life. It is only after you have reached these conclusions that a narcissist will finally realise that they can no longer maintain their hold on you and they too will move on.

I really do hope that you can make peace with your demons. Look at your life from a different perspective. Look up instead of down, make small changes, baby steps at a time, and you will gradually flourish into the person you were meant to be.

alm721

op I have never felt so sad reading a thread on here as i do now. I have a father who really couldn't care less and its taken me 20 years to get to the point of being able to 'write him off' as it were. I have always felt so let down and hurt by him I never thought is possible to be more let down by a father but your post has made me realise that I am luckier then I thought.
You have had the most horrendous experience and god only knows how you keep it all together, In a previous post you said something along the lines of ' why can't I let him him go' the answer to that quite simply is that you're not ready. Its not because you're weak its just because your not ready. I spent the last 5 years feeling that i really needed to let it go but being unable to, but now that I have finally got it really is extremely liberating.
I don't let him get me down like he used to as I really am now past caring. There is a small part of me that still feels sad that my children don't know their grandfather but a bigger part of that knows that at least they wil never feel the pain of him being so close and then suddenly walking out of their lives on a whim as he did mine. (I have no doubt he would do this again in a heartbeat as he really has no consience) sp?
One day you will find a way to put it all behind you. There is no easy road but having someone to talk to whether on here or via a friend/counselling will help. Maybe you could work on you relationship with your daughter as focus on that then you may feel more able to walk away from him.
Good luck and hugs

dizziblonde

My mother built her own surrogate family up from friends and the outcast distant relatives from within our own very fraught family. Her phone never stops ringing, there's always someone around and she'll have a houseful of the people she CHOOSES to spend Xmas Day wtih - not people she happens to share a few genes with who delight in making us miserable. I'm similar now - I'm done with my father's silly mind games (his "I'm dying -honest" email was a hilarious work of self-obsessed twaddle... even including analogies to the Lion King and Freddie Mercury in it... seriously it was so over the top it was comical)... he lost his daughter through his own actions - final warning, no more second chances because he'd had more than enough.

Our family are those people we're close to whom we choose to spend our time with - we've got a family friend who's been more of a father figure to me than my own dad ever was... and if I get hitched (looking unlikely), him and my step-dad are both going to walk me down the aisle I think - or my little brother... stuff the idiot who happens to have the label "father" because he sure as heck ain't earnt that one in the past 20+ years.

choille

I think if you've been brought up in a dysfunctional family it is very difficult to have a sense of self. If you are constantly being rejected, by what sounds like very narcissistic people, then you have to show yourself some parenting - parent yourself. Protect yourself from these toxic people.
Remove yourself from their whims. You need to (as the Americans say) set yourself some boundaries.
I would scrub them out of your life. They are never going to be 'loving' parents/siblings - whatever. They are narcissists & are incapable of being loving, giving unconditional love.
It's a bad time of year with all the myths of happy families. You have to create your own little family - filled with people you love & care about & trust.
You cannot trust the people who continually muck you about & reject you.
Be good to you - protect your self esteem & self respect by shooing those people out of your life. They are bad for you.
((((((((HUGS)))))))

LameWolf

Hello GotToChange, I've only just seen this thread, or I'd have posted earlier.

I'm not going to bore everyone with the long and unpleasant tale of my life up til 2002; but I finally severed all contact with my biological family - I wrote them a letter, and I finished it with "I wish you well, but I do not wish to communicate further".

I firmly believe that friends are the family you choose for yourself. I am also very aware that you can't change the past, but you can very much influence the future.

I wish you a happy and positive future, free of people who imho sound irredeemably toxic.

Oh, and in your shoes, I'd change my email address.;)