The Prodigal Father. What to do?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sending you nasty messages is attention seeking behaviour. Don't encourage him by rising to the bait. He obviously doesn't handle not being the centre of the Universe, or he wouldn't have been married so many times. TBH, he probably only gets in touch with you when someone hasn't been worshipping him as much as usual, so he says to them 'Look! This one will do anything for me, I'm going to bring her here and SHE'LL be my daughter' Then, once they are suitably distraught (like the other abused members of this genetic line) he'll give you the public heave-ho as a pretend reward to keep the victim in line.

Your terms. 'I'm sorry - who are you?' [disconnect/end of email] will get to him like nothing else.

Drop the baggage. It's weighing you down too much to fly free.

Kazipoo

As Kay Peel said earlier, it might be beneficial to write a letter.

My brother, my sister and I were all neglected as children, and looking back, although at the time it was just another kicking, we were probably abused too. My mother was the instigator, but my father was the one to punish us. With a belt, a slipper, anything he could lay his hand to. We were degraded and humiliated, made to line up when we were leaving the house. Locked in from a very young age whilst they partied, lots of things, one of the most prominent things was lack of food. I for many years put this down to just the way things were back then, but after chatting with others my age, and my brother and sister, it wasn't right, what we endured was horrible. The physical violence, torment, starvation, humiliation. Yet despite all of this, I still could not bring myself to lay the blame.

Once I had left home my relationship with my dad got so much better. My mother no longer had the control over me that she once did (I was 15 when I left) and we started to have the father daughter relationship I longed for. However, I moved away a few years later when I married a soldier and although extremely fragile, I managed to keep a fairly steady and I would like to say loving relationship with my dad, but my mum tried to come between us wherever possible, so it was hard. He died 9 years ago, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. We knew he was sick, but my mum played it down, reckoned we had plenty of time yet, so I wasn't given the opportunity to visit him, and then he died. I was gutted and I have never forgiven my mother for playing it down, she tells me that it was for my own good, that he was an evil selfish man, and basically tried to poison me against him.

After my dads death, my mum played the field, a lot, there was a string of boyfriends and she eventually moved away to live with one of them. I didn't particularly care for him, but then he wasn't my boyfriend so I couldn't care less. A few years later they left to live in Eastern Europe and that was that. Contact was scarce and usually when she wanted something. I didn't really hear from her for years.

My sister and I worked on our relationship, which was also very fractured because of our mixed memories of our upbringing. We are now, I am so happy to say, the best of friends and so close its unbelieveable. Although, my mother used to lie to try to come between us. I barely have a relationship with my brother. We all live over 100 miles from each other, and what is so easy for my sister and I, is very difficult for my brother and either of us.

While my mother was in Europe, I received an email from my cousin, who I had since learned was actually my half sister. My mothers first child. Her mother (my auntie) had recently passed away and she was obviously feeling very alone. She wanted to know about my mother and what she was like to live with. I gave her the truth about our upbringing. I told her exactly what I thought of my mother, not in a nasty way though, I am far too kind for that. I simply told her that IMO my mother was not very maternal, some people are cut out to be mothers and some just aren't. To me, my mother was too selfish to have children, she did not want to give her time and saw us as getting in her way. It made me feel better to write it all down, and it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, only on my terms.

You see, my mother's relationship in Europe turned sour. She turned up a few Christmases ago on my sisters doorstep. Both of us feeling obliged to take her in, she had her over Christmas and she came to us over new year. I got her a flat, a car, furnished her house, decorated it and all in a good moneysaving manner lol.

Yet she began to tell people that I had spent all her money, that she had decorated her house because she couldn't rely on me to help her and the lies just kept rolling off her tongue, but the thing is, people believed her... I was beside myself, the important people in my life obviously knew the truth, but I was mortified that even close friends who I had told about my past, thought my mother to be a very kind-hearted, warm and loving person!!!

My mother tried to come between my sister and I, but this time she became unstuck, because we were planting seeds and watching her grow them out of all proportion. I eventually (18 months later) confronted her.... I had had enough of being blamed for everything that was wrong about her life. I read my emails to her that I had sent to my cousin a few years previous, and she cried, although now I see these were crocodile tears. She nearly reeled me back in again, only my husband and my sister were there to pull me back to reality.

When she realised that we were a united front she upped and left, back to Europe we believe, although at first we thought Cyprus with a new fella. She left the house, sold the furniture for pence, took out loans and left. She texted me on the day she left (although I didn't know it until some weeks later) that she thought I was a nasty piece of work and hoped I would get what was coming to me, that I was dead to her and to have a nice life!!!!!

She has passed my address and my telephone numbers to several loan companies, but so far I have managed to keep her from my credit file. She has since been in touch, to apologise for the text message, yet in the same telephone conversation tried to tell me lies about my sister. I emailed her straight after the conversation to tell her that as she was my mother I was willing to stay in touch, however, it must be by email only, so as not to put me in an awkward situation. She agreed. I have not heard from her since.

My sister and I believe that she has narcissistic personality disorder, she fits the criteria very well. If she ever turns up on my doorstep because of another failed relationship, I will give her a cup of tea and the number to the local council, then I will ask her to leave.

In spite of how we were raised, I have an excellent life, with strong friendships and relationships, and I would do anything for my kids, they are my life. She tried to take credit for the way my life is now, but I won't allow her. My life is good because of me, my husband, my sister and my kids, it has nothing to do with her.

I will never trust her again, and she is truly out of sight, out of mind, which is just the way I like it.

GotToChange

Oh - wow. I am utterly in awe of you and your obviously indomitable spirit. It is when I am told of such an experience that I am humbled and feel so ashamed that even at this late stage in my own life, I am unable to "get it right".

You are evident proof positive that the nature/nurture theory can sometimes come down heavily on the nature side.

(I, on the other hand, sit here torn - still - over contacting my Father [to a lesser extent (not really knowing why], my Mother]. I know that I won't - but that's because I am a coward, not because I am strong enough...).

Grateful grateful thanks to all who have offered such encouragement and stories of their own.
x

Kazipoo

GotToChange wrote: »

Oh - wow. I am utterly in awe of you and your obviously indomitable spirit. It is when I am told of such an experience that I am humbled and feel so ashamed that even at this late stage in my own life, I am unable to "get it right".

You are evident proof positive that the nature/nuture theory can sometimes come down heavily on the nature side.

(I, on the other hand, sit here torn - still - over contacting my Father [to a lesser extent (not really knowing why], my Mother]. I know that I won't - but that's because I am a coward, not because I am strong enough...).

Grateful grateful thanks to all who have offered such encouragement and stories of their own.
x

What I forgot to add, was that this is more about IMO what you want from your father.... you are obviously seeking approval, just as I seeked approval for many years from my mother. I was never good enough for her, she never praised me, she never wanted me, but it didn't stop me from trying to convince her to.

I am 37 now, I have been married 17 years and have 4 girls aged 16, 14, 11 and 10. I am apparently a cool mum, although I am also according to them a freak, a geek, soooo gay (ironic because their auntie is lol) and nana (my mum) is "tight nana". She never bought for them on their birthdays, she never got them a card, basically she did everything she did with us to my kids, except abuse and neglect them... though she did try to order them about, but my daughters being outspoken as they are politely told her that they are not slaves and if she wanted something (coffee, ashtray, tissues) she knew where they were if she wanted to get them herself.

thorsoak

Give yourself a truly great Christmas present ...unload your father - you do not need him in your life - you have grown up into the person you have become despite his efforts to control/screw you up.

Step back from the situation ...if a friend told you YOUR story, what would your advice be to her?

You can do it!

shinkyshonky

Kazipoo wrote: »

What I forgot to add, was that this is more about IMO what you want from your father.... you are obviously seeking approval, just as I seeked approval for many years from my mother. I was never good enough for her, she never praised me, she never wanted me, but it didn't stop me from trying to convince her to.

I am 37 now, I have been married 17 years and have 4 girls aged 16, 14, 11 and 10. I am apparently a cool mum, although I am also according to them a freak, a geek, soooo gay (ironic because their auntie is lol) and nana (my mum) is "tight nana". She never bought for them on their birthdays, she never got them a card, basically she did everything she did with us to my kids, except abuse and neglect them... though she did try to order them about, but my daughters being outspoken as they are politely told her that they are not slaves and if she wanted something (coffee, ashtray, tissues) she knew where they were if she wanted to get them herself.

Wow what a powerful story
Glad you came out of it okay

maria777_2

I can relate so much to your story. I met my 'father' for the first time when I was 18. He left my mother whilst she was expecting me.
He went to a lot of effort to track me down and was very keen to establish a relationship. I was quite resistant but initially I let my guard down and we became quite close for a few years.
He then disappeared. Without a word, just upped and left. I couldn't believe it. It took him 16 years to get back in touch. During that time I didn't know if he was alive or dead. The not knowing was awful. I was resigned to the fact that I would never see him again.
I was so shocked when he turned up again. Part of me felt like a little girl again excited to see her daddy. When I met him he was full of excuses (none were good enough) and it was quite apparent that he expected me to welcome him with open arms and allow him to play the doting daddy again.
Not a chance! and telling him that felt like a real milestone in my life. It made me terribly sad but I knew it was the right thing for me and my children. As time has gone on I know the decision was right and by taking that control I feel a stronger, better person.

My mother? Never wanted me, gave me up at the age of three but I had sporadic contact with her (never easy) throughout my childhood and early adulthood. We had a very difficult relationship, not helped by the fact that she was an alcoholic which was what took her in the end.
I found her death very difficult to cope with, I blamed myself for not being a better daughter. I even convinced myself that I was to blame for her drinking problem because of the stress I caused by being born!! That sounds ridiculous and it took me a lot of time to realise it was ridiculous. I've stopped blaming myself now and that is what you have to do.

I don't know if I recognise it because I have felt the same in the past but it is so obvious in your post that you are blaming yourself for the fact that so many people in your life have let you down.

It's not your fault!! You deserved better. But of course you blame yourself because the constant rejection and put downs you have had throughout your life have caused you to react to everything in that way - believe me, I truly understand that!

I would honestly recommend that you try and get some counselling. It helped me come to terms with the fact that I was the victim of other people's failings, not my own.

As for your father, write him a letter. Tell him about all those times he's hurt you and how it made you feel. Even if you don't send it, writing it will make you feel better. If you do send it and he doesn't respond in the way that you want, you need to ask yourself if the pain he is causing you is something you are willing to continue to tolerate.

At some point you will learn to love yourself and then you will find the strength to stop letting people hurt you.

GotToChange

Thank you Maria - and for your story too. So similar to mine - except I find it hard to recall when either of my parents have actually treated me as their child, even when I actually was one (well, less so in my Mother's case as we didn't meet until I was 16...); I feel as though I never actually WAS a child. Sure, my grandparents tried - but there was a level of resentment about my Mother that they (sadly) directed at me.

My father never really was a Father - not to me at least. I cannot remember a hand being held, a hug or even feeling as though I actually was his daughter.

Much as I would like to (and have drafted letters on several occasions) write to him; he has told me that the past is dead and buried, I must not mention it, bygones, water under the bridge - name any metaphor you like - he flatly refuses to discuss "The Past" - I am not actually allowed to have one; he would even regard the communication of this year as The Past (in his email of this week, he told me that he deleted his Inbox "inadvertently" - so all the emails that had passed between us are now gone) - I'm really not quite sure om what basis we would have a relationship, he seems to dislike me so much. His initial letter contained - amidst the insults - a suggestion that I visit him (them) but then he changed to say that he will call and see me when he is "in Europe" next spring...

But, it isn't clear to me - once so hopeful and adaptable, willing to do"whatever it would take" - what there actually is "left" to base a connection on; it seems to have been shredded and restricted until even this poor idiot can't see how it would work. The only way would be for me to have no opinion, no thoughts, no feelings, no memory, no personality - nothing else would be tolerated and he would have nothing to do with me (believe me, if he knew what a sad excuse for a person I am, he would certainly never bother anyway).


(Please excuse my self-pity. Maybe it's the time of year.)

BitterAndTwisted

You are certainly NOT a sad excuse for a person, but sad you most certainly are and it's completely and utterly understandable. It seems so obvious that your father doesn't want to discuss or acknowledge the past because there must be some corner of his neglectful and shameful heart that knows and understands quite well what an appalling excuse of a man and a father he most obviously is and always has been.

I think you should seriously consider trying to draw a line under this one-way relationship. It doesn't sound like there's anything in it for you other than more misery and heartache. He doesn't deserve you

GotToChange

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You are certainly NOT a sad excuse for a person, but sad you most certainly are and it's completely and utterly understandable. It seems so obvious that your father doesn't want to discuss or acknowledge the past because there must be some corner of his neglectful and shameful heart that knows and understands quite well what an appalling excuse of a man and a father he most obviously is and always has been.

I think you should seriously consider trying to draw a line under this one-way relationship. It doesn't sound like there's anything in it for you other than more misery and heartache. He doesn't deserve you

Oh BandT - this makes me laugh between the near-tears; it is just the kind of phrase I would use in a stronger, stroppier moment.

Thank you - bless you.

x