The Prodigal Father. What to do?

GotToChange

If only it could be so easy to cut out of my life the only "Father" that I have ever "known". If only that very label didn't make him so very important - whether he deserves to be or not.

I wish I was stronger - even half as strong as some of you...

I don't know if there will ever be a time when I say that i am doing OK. I did try to make my own family - to detach myself from my heritage - the very heritage that my parents want me to disregard, to have no past, no history - my whole existence to be "water under the bridge"... I failed at creating my "own" family too. Divorced, a "daughter" so vehemently unwanted by mother and father alike, a childless mother myself - where is my place in the world? I don't really think that there is one...

I wanted only to set the record straight. He had emailed to tear me off a strip for not getting in touch with him since September. But I HAD - he has deleted his entire inbox (so he says). As the days have passed, I haven't settled; it has preyed on my mind. I have his telephone number - but only via Directory Enquiries, he didn't give it to me. I have called - allowing for the five hour (-) time difference; no reply, not even a voicemail service. Finally, he answers - and tells me that he has to make an outgoing call but will call me back, what's my number? (This is so sad; I gave it to him in an email months ago...)

And when he did, I missed the call - my breathless "Hello" was met with the dialling tone. Caller display showed a different number from the one I had for him - a mobile number (in Canada so calling back will cost me a fortune...); puzzled, I refreshed the phone and discover a voicemail from him - telling me effectively that he does not want to speak to me on the telephone - he thought that he had made that clear - he will speak to me in person when he visits Europe in a couple of months.

What do I do with a person like this? Who is he to me? Who - what - am I to him? It's absolutely crazy!

And then, I receive an email. As if the voicemail wasn't enough - he reinforces it with the very same sentiments in an email - I obviously hadn't been made to feel enough like sh*t.

So, if anybody knows how to block a sender on talktalk or set up an autoresponse - or change my email address as a last resort, I would be most grateful. Because I have gone past the end of my tether now.

x

BitterAndTwisted

Even in his neglect he's controlling you. I wish I knew how to block calls on TalkTalk so I could help you do this.

I know you can set up an email address to get it sent to your spam folder or have it deleted automatically, it's just that I have a Mac here so I can't help you to do this either and I SO wish I could.

I honestly do believe you should end all contact with this toxic man. He's not a father to you and never has been. At least if you were an orphan you might not be wishing for what could be, for what can never be.

I'm sure that once you take control of the situation it will be much better for your state of mind.

mum2one

Ididn't want to run, but theres one thing that struck a chord you are a wondeful person, a person who through thick and thin who has tried to keep the family line open.


Please please don't put yourself this any longer, you have a wonderful family.

Plz take care dd,

choille

Any contact you have from your father is fraught & painful. It all seems to be so rejecting & uncaring for your feelings. There is no attempt to be considerate to you.
I don't know how to block talk talk, but I have a cheap caller display phone that lets you see who is calling. But that is through BT.
It is a really bad time of year for people who aren't in 'the ideal' family situation - if there is such a thing as 'ideal family'.
By creating your own little family - I didn't mean biological. If you have people who you are close to & pets - that is your own family, because you have chosen them to be in your life. We can't chose our bio family, only our friends.
If you would like me to give you with a couple of sites that deal with all the issues that these type of people bring up/cause then PM me & I'll send you the links.
All the best.

GotToChange

Thank you for your kind words. I am actually hoping to block his emails (not that there will be any for a while now) - if I just allow them to come, I will read them - and no good will come of it. I wish they could simply go back - as though my email address no longer exists. They need to go back though (not just be read [which I actually can't cope with any longer] and not replied to), otherwise he will think that I am reading and ignoring - and the price then is that he tells me that there is no more "relationship"...

It's crazy - all of it is so humiliating and embarassing to admit. He had stopped being a feature in my life (if he ever was); his absence, lack of interest, call it what you like, only affected me at a very subconscious level. Now - maybe it is a sign of how miserable I am - it is dominating my thoughts - and yes, the time of year doesn't help, that's certain. I was just about limping through my life before all this malarkey.

I know that I need help - but it's just such a long-drawn out mess that it's too hard to explain and usually Counsellors just tell me to "stop being a victim" and that I must have a problem relating to people.

choille

Hi - You can create a new email like hotmail, but not too techie myself, so someone on the techie board will be able to help you out with that.

he will think that I am reading and ignoring - and the price then is that he tells me that there is no more "relationship"...

Why would that be a bad thing?


Your counsellors sound like jerks, have no understanding of how damaging people like your father can be. And the fact is a child should be nurtured, needs nurturing for its emotional health, when that doesn't happen it causes problems in later life. You have to try & parent yourself - be good to yourself -which can be hard with all the rejection you've experienced. Have you read any books on inner child work. You should have a google & see what you come up with. Also, remember that so many people are at a low just now - mid-Winter & all the so-called festivities looming. It is a bad time of year.
Some people get a lift from taking St John's Wort, but if you are on any other medication you have to check it doesn't interact with it, although it's a herbal remedy it can have side effects. It can also take about 6 weeks to have a notifiable effect.
Another good thing to do when you feel yourself mulling it over too much to the point of distraction is to get outside & walk - even though it's pouring down, nasty, if you're wrapped up it's quite invigorating. Getting outside at this time of year is crucial.
Are there any art galleries, free museaums - stuff where you can go & feast your eyes over beautiful things - that is a good thing to do - especially at this time of year?
All the best - don't mean to sound patronising with all the advise, but just feel for you at the moment - want to give you a big hug.

LameWolf

I don't know what email application you use, but with Mozilla Thunderbird (which I use) you can go into Tools, and there's an option to set up Message Filters - you can have messages from a given email address sent to a Spam folder, or even deleted from the server so that you don't even receive them.

You mentioned being divorced; hey, my first marriage ended in divorce, too. I'm only mentioning it to try and give you a wee bit of hope. ((((HUGS)))).

Zazen999

I think you can set up a rule to bounce a particular email address, and then delete it. So you won't see it again.

[And I've met you, I know you're great - it's a shame that your family can't see it. ]

BitterAndTwisted

GotToChange wrote: »

I know that I need help - but it's just such a long-drawn out mess that it's too hard to explain and usually Counsellors just tell me to "stop being a victim" and that I must have a problem relating to people.

In my opinion you've been seeing crappy ruddy counsellors: I've never heard of one telling a client to stop being a victim: their job is to help you find a way to stop seeing yourself as one and if they can't then they're not any use to anyone.

You're a rider GotToChange so I say to you "Darling, get right back on that horse". See someone else, ideally from a personal recommendation but if not please consult your GP. There is help out there and it can be found eventually, we've just got to keep looking. Maybe even a few sessions at Relate might be helpful.

And another thing: you've posted about this particular difficulty in your life and another one and you DO NOT have a problem relating to other people, at least not in writing and if you do in real life it's pretty obvious why that might be the case. A defective and corrosively damaging relationship with a (completely inadequate) parent is pretty damned fundamental to the way we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others. You didn't make it so and it's not your fault but finding a solution is out there, somewhere

GotToChange

I wonder if anyone is interested in the further developments of this very sorry relationship...?

I have read on here of the trials and tribulations of family Christmasses - I would sell my soul for any kind of family connection, but can see that they can cause as many problems as they solve - so am aware that I would see things through rose-tinted glasses.

I am focussing far too much on the Father issue (the Mother one and the daughter one are just as hard to solve but I can only deal with one at a time...) - which is bonkers. I don't think that I would be thinking about it (him) so much had he not got in touch again just before Christmas - to berate me - again and for our communication to turn sour (predictably, possibly deliberately?).

After the unwise phone call that I made - and his voicemail/email back-up message that I "wait" until he is prepared to speak to me face to face in March sometime, I'm afraid that I did email him back - and my infuriation and exasperation was evident. Of course, that's too much for him and he replied by with an email entitled (he can't help himself) "Nothing more to say". This was sent at midnight his time so arrived with me around 5:00am on Friday so Thank You Daddy.

With a title like that, I guess the content mattered very little - and it was brief anyway

"I have no idea how to answer your emails so I won't try. It's all beyond me, and I have plenty of problems of my own, including health issues (that your Uncle xxxxx isn't aware of) that I don't intend to talk about.

You comment about loathing you proves we are on different planets.

Sorry to hear about all your troubles, but there's nothing I can do. Nobody helped me with any of my troubles either, once I left home the second time, i.e. when I was 22, and I never wanted anybody to.

Dad"

I had in my email to him tried to point out that my life is not exactly wonderful (after 6 months of emails skirting around the issue, not that he actually asking although he was verbally beating me up; I needed it to stop). I asked for nothing from him apart from stopping being so beastly and judgemental when he hadn't even seen me for 10 years. I wanted to be able to feel that I had a Father out there who thought something - anything - good about me, not the c**p I was getting. His response was all he could manage.

I didn't reply to that - I didn't trust myself to and I didn't want to hear more of the same. The curse of emails (as I have already considered) is that you cannot stop them arriving and equally, sadly, I still look for one every day. And there is nothing - it's so confusing.

Telling though, as I read his email, his brother (my [only] Uncle) called. He never rings me, I exasperate him, don't follow his religion and, besides, he has his own four children and 18 grandchildren. He rang me to check that I hadn't got my Father's phone number from him as my Father had called him to give him a roasting for giving it to me. *sigh*

Which he hadn't - although he had given me the address (unprompted/asked), which I had used to get the number from international directories. So, I suppose it's considered normal for him to - not having been in touch with me for years to, when I call him out of the blue (naughty) - but in response to an email!, not only tell me via voicemail that I shouldn't, tell me that our speaking must wait. Until HE will speak to me. And I shouldn't be able to contact him anyway! Good God, it's so tragic.

And I know that I am so soppy for bothering (yes. repeating myself) - I apologise to anyone who reads this who has any kind of their own Hell to go through at this time of year. It's perverse that what is meant to be a happy time can make any feelings of sadness and misery multiply.

Love to all.
x