The Prodigal Father. What to do?

GotToChange

Thank you such great, wise(r than I could ever be) and REAL replies... How I wish that I could have more of a "say" in this situation than I actually do; I am sure that my either ignoring him (infuriating for him, yes - not so much else) or telling him that there is no point would feed right into his sense of "Well, I offered and look how she reacts..."

Throughout the years, I have had to give up hope so many times and it is entirely true that he is lttle more than a genetic link, certainly doesn't deserve to be called Father - indeed, asked me (aged 7) to stop calling him Daddy and use his Christian name instead (never managed it) but when we were in touch a few years ago, had a major strop over me not calling him Dad. (Even in our recent email communication, he hates there to be no salutation but stresses that he will not sign-off using the word "Love" as it would not be genuine...)

The letter that came through my letter-box this summer was a three-page attack; he also managed to condemn my mother, making it almost impossible to speak to her about what he had done/said - although I did try and it backfired rather spectacularly. Our mother-daughter relationship has been permanently affected by the fact that I never saw her from age 3 to 16 (apart from stopping me in the street when I was at primary school); she kept my sister with her - brought her up to dislike me intensely when we finally met (as teenagers - bad idea), brought up my S/Father's son (a year older than me and who - as it turned out - molested my sister when she was 12), had my brother adopted and had two more daughters with the man she stayed with for forty years until he died a few years ago. One of those daughters died in infancy, the other has managed to carve a great deal out of success out of her pastime of darts, married someone who had two houses so got one free and clear in the divorce and then became gay and built a "granny-flat" on her ex-council house do that my mother would be on permanent tap for baby-sitting duties. I know I sound bitter; I guess that I am - a bit.

My mother says that she will not come to my house (been twice - once for 5 minutes - in ten years), says that I have to "be nice" to half-sister FGDPL "Our K..." when I visit her* (it's buy-one-get-one-free) but doesn't want me to visit anyway; won't go shopping with me and doesn't want to talk to me on the telephone because I talk for too long. (*Sadly, she has inetrpreted my saying "We haven't much in common" ) darts / horses -polar opposites in anybody's language...) as my not wanting anything to do with the half-sister and all responsibility is mine becuase I'm the eldest but, trust me, she (sister) is not remotely interested in her older sister. We had one night out together in our twenties and my mother WILL NOT let me forget that I (glamour-queen that I was then) stuffed up in some way by doing sister's make up too flashily - or something like that, I really don't remember - but my Mother does.

They both have said that I am punishing them for what happened - but to me it seems the reverse - I feel that they see me as someone who must BE punished - for existing. I have told them over and over that I just want to take things as they are - BUT that there is no escaping our dodgy past; it has made us the beings that we are and the relationship(s) what itis/they are.

I grew up being told that I didn't need my parents - so I suppose I never did. The hardest thing is that it is actually getting harder as more time passes and hope slips away. I am not hard enough to cut all ties - and yet I am not allowed to make contact of my own accord; all the communication from June to September this year was by email; which now means that - as yesterday - an upsetting mail can arrive out of the blue. I gave him my telephone number but he has said that he will not call me until he feels "able to" and will not answer if I call him (I got the number from Directory enquiries as my Uncle gave me his address - they now live in Canada, thanks to one of my half-brothers marrying (and now divorcing) a Canadian). It must be email - everything must be sorted out by email but if I say too much, he calls what I have written hot air and "verbiage" (I had to look that one up) and to stop wasting his time. Having said that, he - in his retirement - has just completed a 125,000 word novel. He says.

I am constantly on the outside looking in; I swore that this would not carry through to another generation - but it has; my own relationship with my daughter - perfect as it once was, is now a pathetic legacy that I tried with every ounce of will that I possessed to prevent.

I do know what I should do - all of you on here who have experienced similar have done it, why on Earth can't I?

I tell myself that it is no great loss - but there is something so deeply buried that it is almost cellular that tells me that I shouldn't give up. I don't know if that means that I actually love him - when I have never been allowed to - or if I am quite simply a masochist.

mrcow

Honestly? If you were a close firend of mine, I'd be doing my best to ensure that you made a New Years Resolution to tell the lot of them to go pi** up a rope. He sounds a dreadful parent. As does your mother. Life is far too short to let something like this destroy any more of your life than it already has.

If I was getting emails like that - seriously - I'd reply back and tell him to leave you alone - that he's the most unsupportive, uncaring and unkind person you've ever come across and that you don't want or need anything from him. He's never been there for you in the past - what makes you think that he would do anything other than let you down in the future?

Just because he's your father, it doesn't mean to say that he can't be an insensitve, unsupportive, ignorant, selfish moron. But that's his misfortune. He has to live with that - you don't!

What about your relationship with your daughter? What's going on there that you could perhaps work towards changing? You are not your Dad - you won't make the same mistakes that he has. But as with anything, you have to work at things to make it right.

thorsoak

Remember what Elenour Roosevelt said - "No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission". In other words - ignore the whole family. Concentrate upon your daughter - let her know that you will always be there for her.

Your biological parents are just that - they had no positive influence upon your growing up and you'd do well to divorce them! Someone else said "God sends you friends because you can't choose your family".

Good luck - you are strong - you can be stronger!

GotToChange

mrcow wrote: »

Honestly? If you were a close firend of mine, I'd be doing my best to ensure that you made a New Years Resolution to tell the lot of them to go pi** up a rope. He sounds a dreadful parent. As does your mother. Life is far too short to let something like this destroy any more of your life than it already has.

If I was getting emails like that - seriously - I'd reply back and tell him to leave you alone - that he's the most unsupportive, uncaring and unkind person you've ever come across and that you don't want or need anything from him. He's never been there for you in the past - what makes you think that he would do anything other than let you down in the future?

Just because he's your father, it doesn't mean to say that he can't be an insensitve, unsupportive, ignorant, selfish moron. But that's his misfortune. He has to live with that - you don't!

What about your relationship with your daughter? What's going on there that you could perhaps work towards changing? You are not your Dad - you won't make the same mistakes that he has. But as with anything, you have to work at things to make it right.

Oh - I wish that I could do it. He is so very controlling - he will want to have the last last word. I smiled earlier when I saw in my email inbox, an email titled Last chance! He has used this warning several times - this one was from the blummin' BodyShop though. (duh)

I don't think that I see him as dispassionately as I should; my brother (the one who was adopted out of the family - finally met his Father having been put off for ten years - by then, he was 37. He only saw him the once - describing him as a "weasel". My sister aslo has utterly detached herself from him - after the one occasion that he allowed her to visit, she mentioned something about "next time" - to which he replied, "I didn't know there was going to be a next time." Bar Steward.

It is the sad little girl in my soul who won't let me write it all off. Even though they both have.

(I can't go into the story of my daughter and her own particular curse-of-the-parents; she though is a better person and far more of a success in every way than I could ever hope to be.)

pie81

I can understand how hurtful it must feel to have parents and siblings who respond to you like this. And I can see why you do keep trying to have a relationship with them. But it sounds as though you want more than they are willing or able to give, and it will keep hurting you when they keep rejecting your advances (or when they make the advances, then disappoint you). Let them get in touch with you rather than you contacting them - and if they do get in touch, don't be ready to jump to their call, but see if they are willing to visit you at your convenience.

In general, it sounds like you would be best off focusing less on them and more on people in your life who do want to see you.

Are your grandparents (who brought you up) still around? If so, how is your relationship with them? Do you have a close friendship circle who could take the place of a close family, if not then is there a way you could develop this?

What has gone wrong with your daughter? If your relationship was once "perfect" then that suggests you have the potential to be close again.

best of luck.

GotToChange

pie81 wrote: »

I can understand how hurtful it must feel to have parents and siblings who respond to you like this. And I can see why you do keep trying to have a relationship with them. But it sounds as though you want more than they are willing or able to give, and it will keep hurting you when they keep rejecting your advances (or when they make the advances, then disappoint you). Let them get in touch with you rather than you contacting them - and if they do get in touch, don't be ready to jump to their call, but see if they are willing to visit you at your convenience.

In general, it sounds like you would be best off focusing less on them and more on people in your life who do want to see you.

Are your grandparents (who brought you up) still around? If so, how is your relationship with them? Do you have a close friendship circle who could take the place of a close family, if not then is there a way you could develop this?

What has gone wrong with your daughter? If your relationship was once "perfect" then that suggests you have the potential to be close again.

best of luck.

I see your point - absolutely. I don't actually focus on them so much - but it is beginning to feel as though I shall go tomy grave never having experienced a family in any sense of the word. I do not keep trying - I'm not thick-skinned enough.

This tragic little list may clarify things -

Father -
As described as the start - see once in 10 years; all contact instigated by him. I have to obey his rules or "It. Is. Over" (That is an actual quote - who the Hell says that to their daughter?)

Mother -
See her once a year - maybe. I call her occasionally but it always goes wrong. She never calls me.

(Neither of them have ever bothered with the first grand-daughter - apart from the NZ trip in my Father's case. They have never sent her a card, bought her a present (apart from NZ as above) or in any way asked after her.)

Sister -
Lives on Lanzarote. Apart from a brief phase where we went out on the town (HER town), very little. Her husband is identical in nature to my Father. She grew up hating me; her husband does too. She also does not like long telephone calls. I sent her a text message in August.

Half-sister -
As previously described. Has no interest in me.

Brother -
Met with him when he wanted to trace his family. I was 27 and expecting my daughter. Serious issues with him "wanting one like me" and throwing over all his girlfriends. He came to my duaghter's Christening and I saw him once a short while after my marriage failed. Last time I spoke to him - he said that he wasn't "driving all the way up there" to see me (Nottingham to my village - about 25 miles). Spoke to him when my Mother's "husband" died 4.5 years ago. Don't even know where he is now.

Half-brothers - (from Father and third wife)
One in Canada - I think.
One in Germany - I think.
They have no desire to be in touch with me; it is of no benefit to them.

Grandparents (paternal - Mother and Father to me from age three)
Dead - would be 101 and 97 (I think).

Others -
Grandparents (maternal) - never met until I was asked to visit her Father. It was so very sad, he was so sweet and shed a tear when we sat and talked. My Mother hated it. He died not long afterwards and she deliberately didn't tell me.

Father's second wife - Goodness knows
Her parents and sister were LOVELY.
I think I was about 5 or 6 when they got married.

Apparently, my Father and his second wife had a daughter. She too was adopted (found this out 10 years ago).

Father's third wife's parents -
Never even knew that I existed, her Mother died believing my Father was whiter than white and never even been married before.

My Father's brother, his wife and their four children. One option was that they adopt me when I was very small. They didn't - and are now glad apparently. They are Mormons - so I guess that I'm glad too (no offence to any Mormons out there).

The thorny subject of my daughter is something that I am afraid to bring up. Put it this way, she is well, thriving, happy - and doing well. That's what matters. I only cause trouble for her and in her life.
(They say.)

carpedieme

hi, dont waste your life waiting for your parents to accept you, after trying myself most of my life i finally realised it wasnt going to happen, now i concentrate on my own family and feel liberated and am indifferent to my indifferent parents, good luck, i know itshard

Kay_Peel

If I were in your position I would write my father a letter. I would tell him all the things that you have told us and importantly, how it made you feel.

It would be a goodbye letter.

Bizarrely, it would probably come as a relief to him. He is acting as though you weren't his child. He seems to be deliberately damaging the relationship in an attempt to make you go away. I cannot imagine any father leaving his daughter to be given away by some other relative while he popped off to attend to a business matter - it's just bizarre.

Tell him about the effect that his behaviour has had on you, say your goodbyes and post the letter. The ball is in his court then.

HellsGranny

Oh Time to Change,

What a dysfunctional family you have had! They don't deserve all the love and caring I feel from the way you write. You are hurting so much it just comes through so clearly.

First of all, you are Not to blame for their inadequacies, not in any way, shape or form, and you don't have to give in to your father's controlling attitude. As others have said, write the no-hoper off, and your mother too. Trying to keep in touch with them is sapping your emotional strength, you don't need it.

Please stop letting them control you, become your own woman in spite of them. Don't chase them for their approval, you'll never get it, just totally ignore them, don't write and tell them where to go, that's still letting them control you, Just disappear off their radar and go out and make a success of your life. It's the best revenge there is. Then, eventually, when they come sniffing around, they'll find a cool, confident, successful woman who doesn't need them, and them you can flip them the finger and tell them where to go. You are a powerful woman, don't let them drain you. Channel your own power for your own successful life.

Cheers, HG

thorsoak

I agree with everything HG above has said. I would suggest that you copy off your letter and its responses - and email them to your father (cc any siblings too, if he did) - with just one word GOODBYE.

Then change your email address - or direct any emails from him direct to your delete immediately box - change your mobile number - and then START ENJOYING YOUR LIFE - YOU ARE FREE OF FAMILY TIES.

Go out and buy yourself a big baloon - one of the fancy ones - tie a label to it, saying "the family I never had" - and let it go - with love, if you so wish - tomorrow will be the start of the rest of your life - you deserve to enjoy it.

{{hugs}}