Lazy boyfriend!

hoMEOWner

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

They are not going to expect the place to be perfect, I have seen some grotty places in past when viewing, as long as it looks relatively tidy politely explain that unfortunately the hoover has broken.

Take a deep breath have a cup of tea, coffee waht ever sit down for 20 minutes and clear your head. Then get up with a spring in your step and make sure any clutter is cleared away, dishes are done and worktop wiped down.

you may feel its needs to be perfect as would I but it doesnt have to be and not worth making your self ill over.

The OH needs to sit and have a chat with you when he gets in, but dont get angry shouting or laying blame, talk about how you feel, he likely just switches off otherwise and thinks oh god she's nagging again.

His computer playing is a way to escape and you guys need to work together to figure out why he needs to escape.

They might not expect the place to be perfect but it is, quite frankly, revolting at the minute. When I said my OH doesn't do any chores and is a mess, I literally meant it. The upstairs hall is covered in dog fur, crumbs, huge dust bunnies and bits of tissue that OH has used to wind our dog up. I'm not trying to make the house perfect by any means, just clean enough that our landlady isn't angry.

Furthermore, we really need this couple to want the house because otherwise we're going to be on the hook for a whole month's rent along with our mortgage. Hence why I want it to be presentable, because who is going to rent a family home if it smells like dog and looks horrendous?

I'm sorry if this reply seems snappy but I've had it with trying to 'chat' with him and not get angry. I've done that before. He's left me to deal with this all on my own and I'm flipping angry about it! He's an adult with a proper job and a house and a girlfriend and I'm sick of having to treat him like a coddled little child!

Joons

I really don't think he's being fair to you, with the chores but also the money he owes you, you say he is very comfortable now so why can't he pay his debts, esp to you and his mother, you really need to get tough and tell him straight.

My OH is similar, I have to tell him to do lots of things, at times it gets me down and I do wonder about our future but then apart from this I think he's wonderful so it's hard and you can't just walk away when you care about someone. Not sure what the solution is other than making it really crystal clear that you are unhappy with his behaviours, you may find it's always this way and you will always have to `moan` to get him to do the right thing.

Netwizard

Well it doesn't sound like much of a relationship for you OP.

Im a 29 year old bloke and I dont understand how or why some people spend so much time on these bloody gaming machines. I used to have a PS2 (goes to show how long ago it was) and could manage an hour on GTA before I got a headache and my eyes went funny!)

I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious chat. Ultimatum time. Its either the games console or you. Actually, why not just bin the thing?? That would be a wake up call for him!

I hate this new technological age where people are attached to gadgets. I get so frustrated with all my friends as whenever we are all out, they sit glued to their smartphones, but I guess thats a topic for another day!

Kick the lazy !!!! into touch :T

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

They might not expect the place to be perfect but it is, quite frankly, revolting at the minute. When I said my OH doesn't do any chores and is a mess, I literally meant it. The upstairs hall is covered in dog fur, crumbs, huge dust bunnies and bits of tissue that OH has used to wind our dog up. I'm not trying to make the house perfect by any means, just clean enough that our landlady isn't angry.

Furthermore, we really need this couple to want the house because otherwise we're going to be on the hook for a whole month's rent along with our mortgage. Hence why I want it to be presentable, because who is going to rent a family home if it smells like dog and looks horrendous?

I'm sorry if this reply seems snappy but I've had it with trying to 'chat' with him and not get angry. I've done that before. He's left me to deal with this all on my own and I'm flipping angry about it! He's an adult with a proper job and a house and a girlfriend and I'm sick of having to treat him like a coddled little child!

How on earth did it get that bad in the first place? It is beyond me how people can make chores like so much hard work, my flat (2 bed, 5 rooms total) is always clean and when I get chance I have a quick whip round clearing up the clutter than has accumulated over the last week.

My OH freaked out a couple of years ago, the sudden realisation of living an adult life scared him, he'd not long been out of uni didn't know what he wanted to do, was he doing the right thing, all with the pressure of having to earn enough to pay the bills.

Some of us just get on a deal with it others retreat and pretend like its not there and they need the stronger one to help draw them out. You can either throw your toys out of the pram and say i've had enough or hold you head high and work through the problems, unfortunately it always falls on one person to do this but nagging, shouting and screaming wont help.

Responsibility is a big deal and it can be scary and we all deal with things differently.

Are you sure its the right time to buy a house?

Errata

Yes It's a case of 'But I just want to check the internet before I do that..' or 'I've been at work, I'll do them after tea..' and then before I know it, it's midnight and he's not done any of them!

Why has he decided to treat you with utter contempt?

CharlieRabbit01

You know I'm trying to help as I've been through the same thing and happy to say come out the other side you can take it or leave it.

Neither of us were or are perfect and both of us had to admit to that as do you guys, if you constantly blame each other you'll get no where.

hoMEOWner

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

How on earth did it get that bad in the first place? It is beyond me how people can make chores like so much hard work, my flat (2 bed, 5 rooms total) is always clean and when I get chance I have a quick whip round clearing up the clutter than has accumulated over the last week.

My OH freaked out a couple of years ago, the sudden realisation of living an adult life scared him, he'd not long been out of uni didn't know what he wanted to do, was he doing the right thing, all with the pressure of having to earn enough to pay the bills.

Some of us just get on a deal with it others retreat and pretend like its not there and they need the stronger one to help draw them out. You can either throw your toys out of the pram and say i've had enough or hold you head high and work through the problems, unfortunately it always falls on one person to do this but nagging, shouting and screaming wont help.

Responsibility is a big deal and it can be scary and we all deal with things differently.

Are you sure its the right time to buy a house?

It got that bad because my OH hasn't done any cleaning for the past 6 months. I am trying to keep on top of it all but I'm not a miracle worker and my OH makes more mess than I can keep on top of. I'm not saying I'm super clean or anything but whereas an adult would clean up after themselves, OH doesn't. If I'm spending all my time when I would be doing chores cleaning up after him instead, I don't have as much time to do the actual chores, so they pile up.

Honestly, from the sounds of it we might be in slightly different situations. I appreciate the advice you're giving & the fact that you're sharing your experience to lend a helping hand but I think our relationships differ in that you were able to talk to your OH & he changed, whereas mine has been asked repeatedly to help for the past 6 months and he hasn't changed so far. I'm not throwing my toys out of the pram, I'm trying to deal with someone who so far hasn't taken on board what I've been trying to say to him.

Yes, the house is the right thing to do. I am happy to be moving & buying a house together, I just want my OH to stop being such a messy !!!! & start doing the chores with me again!

CH27

Go out & buy a cheap hoover & get the house clean.
Then decide if you want to keep living this way.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

It got that bad because my OH hasn't done any cleaning for the past 6 months. I am trying to keep on top of it all but I'm not a miracle worker and my OH makes more mess than I can keep on top of. I'm not saying I'm super clean or anything but whereas an adult would clean up after themselves, OH doesn't. If I'm spending all my time when I would be doing chores cleaning up after him instead, I don't have as much time to do the actual chores, so they pile up.

Honestly, from the sounds of it we might be in slightly different situations. I appreciate the advice you're giving & the fact that you're sharing your experience to lend a helping hand but I think our relationships differ in that you were able to talk to your OH & he changed, whereas mine has been asked repeatedly to help for the past 6 months and he hasn't changed so far. I'm not throwing my toys out of the pram, I'm trying to deal with someone who so far hasn't taken on board what I've been trying to say to him.

Yes, the house is the right thing to do. I am happy to be moving & buying a house together, I just want my OH to stop being such a messy !!!! & start doing the chores with me again!

Eventually I was able to talk to him it wasn't easy and took time. It turned out he was having a mini crisis about where he was in his life and didnt want to admit to it to me and his way of dealing with it was to shut himself away.

I'm concerned that your so upset about this he's not willing to listen to you yet your more than happy to buy a house with him.

What advice would you give a friend if they were in this situation?

marisco_2

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I feel like I'm living with a petulent teenager, not the grown man that I moved in with .

I am not surprised that you feel this way. You sound more like this guys mum, than his partner. He is a grown man capable of pulling his weight and doing his fair share. He shouldn't be expecting you to do the majority of the household chores. Nor letting you pick up his slack when he only attempts to do something half-heartedly and leaves it unfinished. If he respected you and wished to treat you as his equal he'd be helping out properly at home. It comes across as if he has had his mum running around after him and now sees you as being there to fill that role.

When people are considerate and generous enough to help someone out financially, common sense and courtesy suggest to most that they should agree and stick to a repayment plan. The money loaned should then be paid back in a reasonable amount of time. For him to turn around and say he doesn't have the money available, and to not give you any indication of when he intends to pay you back, is direspectful and shows no acknowledgement or concern of how this negatively effects you.

You need to have a frank and open discussion with him and address these issues. As things stand at the moment he is taking advantage of you.