Lazy boyfriend!

heartbreak_star

Take the money you and his mum are owed out of the joint savings and put it in yours and her accounts?

My OH games every night, or watches stupid videos on Youtube. I usually don't mind too much if he's on the PC, as I'm on the PS3 downstairs We have a few PS3 games we play together, or play alternate levels on. I do get a bit sad if I feel he prefers the PC to me some nights, but he's very reassuring and it usually is just that time has got away with him!

Regarding chores - I do all the washing up and cooking, and clean the bathroom and kitchen. We split bins, tidying up, laundry, and gardening. He does the hoovering, mows the lawn, changes bed linen and dusting. I think that's a fairly even split - I do mine in the evenings through the week, he does his on Saturdays when I go and see my mum

HBS x

tesuhoha

hoMEOWner wrote: »

He has no debts other than student loans, I know that

We have a joint account which our rent, food & utilities go out of each month but otherwise our finances are separate. I am good at managing money so I take care of the bills so I know we aren't ever late paying anything. In fact, we have currently got some savings in an ISA and a few extra hundred pounds in our joint account, so we're doing okay financially together. He never has any trouble giving me the money for our joint account each month, it is just a case of paying back me and his mum that he is struggling with.

If he has no trouble giving you the money for your joint account each month, maybe you should ask for within that payment say, £100 a month extra per month towards debt payment. Plus yes it is a good idea to take your savings to repay your mother and yourself.

richardvc

From a male perspective I am not ashamed to say that my OH 'trained' me to do my share of household chores.

Not by being nasty or unpleasant but asking what I was going to contribute to the household as at that moment she didn't think I was doing anything !!

We divvied up the chores

ie whoever is in first cooks but the other does the washing up (loads the dishwasher really)
I can't iron well so I do all the washing
I cut the grass and am also responsible for bins (!!!!!) whilst she loves gardening
We share dog walking
BUT we are both responsible for keeping the house clean, tidy and organised I have learnt that I now like it like that and wouldn't have it any other way

I play a lot of golf on my days off but won't leave the house without having got my share done as it contributes to the common good.

Education is the key not threats

At the end of the day we are well organised and it makes BOTH our lives a lot easier

BitterAndTwisted

This boyfriend isn't lazy, he's disrespectful to the ruddy max. Every single agreed chore not done or nasty mess left behind for you to clear up is another slap in the face. He doesn't care how you feel or he'd have mended his ways some time ago. Not paying you back the money he borrowed is just another way of telling you that you and your feelings are unimportant to him.

Put up or shut up. There is no alternative.

aileth

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Regarding chores - I do all the washing up and cooking, and clean the bathroom and kitchen. We split bins, tidying up, laundry, and gardening. He does the hoovering, mows the lawn, changes bed linen and dusting. I think that's a fairly even split - I do mine in the evenings through the week, he does his on Saturdays when I go and see my mum

HBS x

This is a good idea, putting clear boundaries and splitting chores (but I think you've already done that haven't you, re the physical stuff?) It's very similar at our house. I cook, he washes up after. He takes the bin out and hoovers upstairs, I hoover downstairs, I clean the downstairs toilet and bathroom (Although if he's 'splashed' all over it the toilet is his job!) and he does the lawn.

Really hope he listens OP, although doesn't sound good from the past. He really sounds like my OH before we got this sorted, a bleeding man-child.

I don't know other parts of your situation, but with mine I have all the responsibility, e.g. mortgage car, shopping, etc, basically all 'adult' worries. He had absolutely no responsibility or burdens on him, so when I asked him if he could wash up and he 'forgot', it made me absolutely steaming mad.

As I said before, thankfully I lost it one day and put his face to the facts and I think he gained a bright spark of realisation, even though I'd brought it up a few times before. Sometimes he slips up but we are all human, nowadays mostly he is brilliant though and has finally grasped the understanding that I am not his mother. We worked out who would do what and all was well.

On another topic OP, did he grow up just with his mother and was his mother rather over-doting? Mine did, and I really think this didn't help at all.

Mojisola

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Because while a smaller house might not make him tidier, it will make it easier for me to keep the house clean. I can have a dishwasher, so I won't have to do mountains of dish washing everyday. I will have more money spare at the end of the month, so might be able to afford to hire a cleaner once or twice a month. It doesn't have a garden so no weeding to do or anything like that.

And will a smaller house stop you resenting him because you're still doing all the housework and he's still sitting around doing nothing?

CH27

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I like that last bit :p But I'll probably go with the former part and have a proper, calm conversation together about what we can do when he gets home tonight.



Because while a smaller house might not make him tidier, it will make it easier for me to keep the house clean. I can have a dishwasher, so I won't have to do mountains of dish washing everyday. I will have more money spare at the end of the month, so might be able to afford to hire a cleaner once or twice a month. It doesn't have a garden so no weeding to do or anything like that.

We mostly live in harmony now, I just want him to do his share of the chores again!

But that won't solve the issue. You will still resent him not pulling his weight so you're just putting a temporary patch over a hole.

LannieDuck

Just to clarify a couple of points (apols if I've missed them, OP - I did read through the thread before asking):

1. Do you both work full-time jobs at the moment?

Assuming you both work full-time...

My thoughts are that you should have a good, calm conversation with him (as you're planning to tonight), pointing out that you both work full time, so surely he agrees the housework should be split evenly? Have a list of the jobs written out and ask which half he'd like to do. If he disagrees, ask him why he thinks you should both come home after a hard days' work, and he gets to have the evenings to himself, while you start work on the long list of chores. It's hardly fair.

Edit: If he just doesn't want to do it, tell him he'll have to arrange and pay for a cleaner.

2. Did he agree a schedule to repay you and his Mum when he borrowed the money?

I wonder if he intended to repay you 'at some time in the future' and was caught by surprise when you expected it this month. Hopefully he'll agree to a sensible repayment schedule now.

lazer

My husband doesn't even notice when our house is a mess and claims I like it too clean and hospital like (Not true - only time i want it spotless is when someone that hasn't been before is visiting and will be wanting a tour).

He says it doesn't bother him if there is a few bits and pieces sitting around - and after seeing the way he lived before we got married, I would have to say it really doesn't bother him.

So the last 9 months have been about finding the compromises - he will do a bit more cleaning than he was used to his own house, the dishes will definately get done everyday, but if I want the house to spotless levels - thats basically my lookout, as he doesn't think the house needs to be spotless, its for living in, not looking at.

hoMEOWner

Right, landlady has left! The viewing went well, hopefully they will want to take the property

I'm feeling a lot more calm now and I know what I want to say to OH when he gets home. He should be back soon so he's agreed we can have a talk and sort things out. We talked on the phone after my landlady left and he has agreed that his attitude and his lifestyle need to change, which makes me feel a lot more positive.

I want to say thank you for all the replies, even if some of them weren't what I wanted to hear.

LannieDuck wrote: »

Just to clarify a couple of points (apols if I've missed them, OP - I did read through the thread before asking):

1. Do you both work full-time jobs at the moment?

Assuming you both work full-time...

My thoughts are that you should have a good, calm conversation with him (as you're planning to tonight), pointing out that you both work full time, so surely he agrees the housework should be split evenly? Have a list of the jobs written out and ask which half he'd like to do. If he disagrees, ask him why he thinks you should both come home after a hard days' work, and he gets to have the evenings to himself, while you start work on the long list of chores. It's hardly fair.

2. Did he agree a schedule to repay you and his Mum when he borrowed the money?

I wonder if he intended to repay you 'at some time in the future' and was caught by surprise when you expected it this month. Hopefully he'll agree to a sensible repayment schedule now.

1. Yes, OH works full time & I was working full time until a month ago. I'm currently looking for another full time job and living off of some savings I have acrued.

2. He didn't agree to a schedule as such, but agreed that as soon as he got a new full time job he would start paying us both back in monthly increments. We have both repeatedly said to him that we don't mind how much he pays us each month, as long as he pays us something as a sign that he cares about paying us back eventually.