Lazy boyfriend!

hoMEOWner

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Eventually I was able to talk to him it wasn't easy and took time. It turned out he was having a mini crisis about where he was in his life and didnt want to admit to it to me and his way of dealing with it was to shut himself away.

I'm concerned that your so upset about this he's not willing to listen to you yet your more than happy to buy a house with him.

What advice would you give a friend if they were in this situation?

Giving advice and actually dealing with the situation are two different things. If I was giving hypothetical advice to a friend, I'd suggest couples counselling and hiring a cleaner once a week but I don't have the money for either of those things, so I'm going to have to work around that.

I'm upset about this because I'm stressed out. It's all come to a head today with the hoover breaking (Now fixed! Apparently last time he did the hoovering he managed to suck up two un-used doggy bags..) and having to tidy the whole house for the landlord without any help but it's not going to end my relationship or stop us living together, hence it would be stupid to not buy our house together. Having the house may actually make our life easier; It is smaller so less work keeping it clean, we'll be able to have a dishwasher, we'll have more disposable income so will be able to afford a TV & I won't have to sit in his computer room all the time.

marisco wrote: »

I am not surprised that you feel this way. You sound more like this guys mum, than his partner. He is a grown man capable of pulling his weight and doing his fair share. He shouldn't be expecting you to do the majority of the household chores. Nor letting you pick up his slack when he only attempts to do something half-heartedly and leaves it unfinished. If he respected you and wished to treat you as his equal he'd be helping out properly at home. It comes across as if he has had his mum running around after him and now sees you as being there to fill that role.

When people are considerate and generous enough to help someone out financially, common sense and courtesy suggest to most that they should agree and stick to a repayment plan. This should be stuck to and the money loaned paid back in a reasonable amount of time. For him to turn around and say he doesn't have the money available, and to not give you any indication of when he intends to pay you back, is direspectful and shows no acknowledgement or concern of how this negatively effects you.

You need to have a frank and open discussion with him and address these issues. As things stand at the moment he is taking advantage of you.

Thank you I think he is definitely taking advantage and that's going to stop as of tonight. The money owed isn't necessarily what bothers me, more the fact that he sees paying me & his mum back as less important than whatever else he is spending his money on. It's not like he's skint either, he has a good £300 of disposable income each month and could quite easily pay back a fair ammount each month while still having some money left to have fun with.

We are going to sit down tonight, have a chat, work out a repayment plan for the money (To both me, his mum and his overdraft) and we're going to have to work out a list of chores he has to do every week. And deal with the computer issue, too.

heretolearn_2

Two separate issues - have two separate conversations with him.

1) The money. Don't get angry or nag. But tell him that you and his mum now expect him to come up with a plan to repay the money over the next, say, 3 or 6 months. Ask him when he'll be able to give you his plan (within a week or so I would think). This puts the control and responsibility where it belongs, on him.

2) Chores. Without getting emotional at the time of talking, tell him how it makes you feel - that you feel you are expected to do all the chores now. And that isn't a situation you agree with. Ask him how he feels the chores should be split. Then discuss what your standards are between you - if he's happy living with mouldy food etc that's fine if he lived on his own. If you are an OCD hygiene freak (not saying you are) then that's also fine if you live on your own. But when you share with another person you have to agree a new set of standards between you that you can both live with. Perhaps the washing up to be done daily instead of after every meal? Hoovering twice a week? Then talk about who is going to do what. Then do your bit and leave his, don't nag, don't remind, he's an adult. But if it doesn't get done right, have another calm conversation about how the agreement doesn't seem to be working and so what does he suggest now? Reminding him that your agreed mutual standards do not include mouldy food etc. Make him take responsibility.

Or that's it in theory in the grown up touchy feely world of relationships.

Probably what I'd really do is cook a dinner and serve it up to him on a mouldy food plate and tell him I'm not his sodding mother and it's time to grow up, stop making pathetic excuses for forcing me to live like a pig, do his full share or ship out.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Having the house may actually make our life easier; It is smaller so less work keeping it clean, we'll be able to have a dishwasher, we'll have more disposable income so will be able to afford a TV & I won't have to sit in his computer room all the time.

Thats almost like saying having a baby will bring us closer together, owning a house is a big responsibility, if you cant manage to live in harmony now how is owning a house going to make it better.

You not looking at this logically. If he cant manage to put the bins out once a week how exactly is a smaller house going to help? The bins will still need to go out, the hoovering will still need to be done, whether you live in a huge house or a small apartment if he can't do the basics in one place he is not going to do them in the next.

You may be lucky and it will sort its self out or you'll find yourself living miserably still and then the hassle of trying to live together and sell a house.

CharlieRabbit01

clearly the advice you want isnt here, you have been given a couple of options:

1. talk calmy with him , but you say you have it didnt work etc etc

2. leave him, you wont as you love him.

So what advice are you expecting people to give?

hoMEOWner

heretolearn wrote: »

Two separate issues - have two separate conversations with him.

1) The money. Don't get angry or nag. But tell him that you and his mum now expect him to come up with a plan to repay the money over the next, say, 3 or 6 months. Ask him when he'll be able to give you his plan (within a week or so I would think). This puts the control and responsibility where it belongs, on him.

2) Chores. Without getting emotional at the time of talking, tell him how it makes you feel - that you feel you are expected to do all the chores now. And that isn't a situation you agree with. Ask him how he feels the chores should be split. Then discuss what your standards are between you - if he's happy living with mouldy food etc that's fine if he lived on his own. If you are an OCD hygiene freak (not saying you are) then that's also fine if you live on your own. But when you share with another person you have to agree a new set of standards between you that you can both live with. Perhaps the washing up to be done daily instead of after every meal? Hoovering twice a week? Then talk about who is going to do what. Then do your bit and leave his, don't nag, don't remind, he's an adult. But if it doesn't get done right, have another calm conversation about how the agreement doesn't seem to be working and so what does he suggest now? Reminding him that your agreed mutual standards do not include mouldy food etc. Make him take responsibility.

Or that's it in theory in the grown up touchy feely world of relationships.

Probably what I'd really do is cook a dinner and serve it up to him on a mouldy food plate and tell him I'm not his sodding mother and it's time to grow up, stop making pathetic excuses for forcing me to live like a pig, do his full share or ship out.

I like that last bit :p But I'll probably go with the former part and have a proper, calm conversation together about what we can do when he gets home tonight.

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Thats almost like saying having a baby will bring us closer together, owning a house is a big responsibility, if you cant manage to live in harmony now how is owning a house going to make it better.

You not looking at this logically. If he cant manage to put the bins out once a week how exactly is a smaller house going to help? The bins will still need to go out, the hoovering will still need to be done, whether you live in a huge house or a small apartment if he can't do the basics in one place he is not going to do them in the next.

You may be lucky and it will sort its self out or you'll find yourself living miserably still and then the hassle of trying to live together and sell a house.

Because while a smaller house might not make him tidier, it will make it easier for me to keep the house clean. I can have a dishwasher, so I won't have to do mountains of dish washing everyday. I will have more money spare at the end of the month, so might be able to afford to hire a cleaner once or twice a month. It doesn't have a garden so no weeding to do or anything like that.

We mostly live in harmony now, I just want him to do his share of the chores again!

Kildare

My concern is the outstanding money - if he is earning well but can't afford to pay back £600 to you and £1000 to your Mum I would be wondering what debts he hasn't told you about or what spending habits he has.

Do you have shared finances and are you both on the same page in terms of money and bills as you are about to be tying yourselfs together with a very large purchase...

hoMEOWner

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

clearly the advice you want isnt here, you have been given a couple of options:

1. talk calmy with him , but you say you have it didnt work etc etc

2. leave him, you wont as you love him.

So what advice are you expecting people to give?

Sorry but the first is exactly what I plan to do when he gets home tonight? I did lose my temper with him earlier but I've said multiple times throughout this thread that we're going to talk when we get home.

Manchee

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Thats almost like saying having a baby will bring us closer together, owning a house is a big responsibility, if you cant manage to live in harmony now how is owning a house going to make it better.

You not looking at this logically. If he cant manage to put the bins out once a week how exactly is a smaller house going to help? The bins will still need to go out, the hoovering will still need to be done, whether you live in a huge house or a small apartment if he can't do the basics in one place he is not going to do them in the next.

You may be lucky and it will sort its self out or you'll find yourself living miserably still and then the hassle of trying to live together and sell a house.

I assume the OP means with a smaller house there will be less to do so she will have time to do it all. Thats really not good though, if you're planning to continue to let it slide and for him to do f@ck all still in your new place. Thats like banging your head against the wall, but taking painkillers instead of just stopping when it starts to hurt.

I think you (OP) said he was a feminist, have you discussed the roll he has forced upon you (basically being a slave) in correlation to this?

Regarding the money owed, while he was out I would take his computer (pc/xbox/whatever) and hide it. When he asks where it is I would tell him I had sold it as he was taking no responsibility for his debt to you and his mother. Talk about taking the p!ss out of the two women in his life that he is meant to love the most! I wouldn't keep it from him, I would return it after that conversation, but maybe a short sharp shock like that is what is needed to get the message through.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Because while a smaller house might not make him tidier, it will make it easier for me to keep the house clean. I can have a dishwasher, so I won't have to do mountains of dish washing everyday. I will have more money spare at the end of the month, so might be able to afford to hire a cleaner once or twice a month. It doesn't have a garden so no weeding to do or anything like that.

We mostly live in harmony now, I just want him to do his share of the chores again!

So you don't mind doing the chores then? To me this is like putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg. the problem is still there just smaller.

hoMEOWner

Kildare wrote: »

My concern is the outstanding money - if he is earning well but can't afford to pay back £600 to you and £1000 to your Mum I would be wondering what debts he hasn't told you about or what spending habits he has.

Do you have shared finances and are you both on the same page in terms of money and bills as you are about to be tying yourselfs together with a very large purchase...

He has no debts other than student loans, I know that

We have a joint account which our rent, food & utilities go out of each month but otherwise our finances are separate. I am good at managing money so I take care of the bills so I know we aren't ever late paying anything. In fact, we have currently got some savings in an ISA and a few extra hundred pounds in our joint account, so we're doing okay financially together. He never has any trouble giving me the money for our joint account each month, it is just a case of paying back me and his mum that he is struggling with.