Lazy boyfriend!

Netwizard

The money thing really does take the pi$$. If he is working, surely he could pay £50 a month. After all, thats only the cost of a new Playstation game or an evening of beers in the pub, and I bet he can afford both of those!

With regards to the cleaning promises, dont hold your breath but if I was you, I would say nothing else, see how it goes for the next month or two, and if there isn't a significant improvement, I think that says it all and you should think about moving on, as it sounds like you can do much much better than live like this forever more

Dunroamin

hoMEOWner wrote: »

To make matters worse, he has only two chores that he has to do because I physically can't. He has to do the vacuuming and put the bins out once a week and he continuously forgets to do both of those.
.

Sorry if this has been covered (I've been skim reading) but do you have some kind of disability or illness and he still does nothing?

marmitepotato

Well, I speak from experience here. My ex, yes, EX, had to be at work for 5 am. I would get up at 4 am with him, make his tea, go out in the cold and start his car if it was frozen (I know, I know!). Then I would start the housework, cos he expected it to be cleaned top to bottom every day. He would come home from work and run his fingers along the top of doors to see if they were cleaned! I had done the house work, taken my girl to school, walked the dogs, gone to work, come home, cut the grass, weeded, dug the garden ( if it was summer). He would come in from work, do his inspection of my work, comment on it ( good or bad). Sit on his @rse and do nothing more strenuous than eat his tea (which I put in front of him) and watch tv. I had my daughter to put to bed, the washing up, walk the dogs, then and only then could I sit down. Himself would then complain that I was always tired and a drudge and no fun to be with......

You can see where this is going.....I hated him, really hated him. I never thought that the man I could love so much I could hate so much.


Op, your situation might not be as bad as mine, but how long will it take for you to get there? Run! Run for the hills, find a man that gives you respect......

hoMEOWner

Right, I want to make this post as I'm going to step away from this thread now. I appreciate all the advice and support, even if some of the suggestions have been, IMO, a little bit over the top.

I'd like to go on the record here and now as saying that whilst I have been frustrated & upset with him recently and his behaviour has been inexcusable, he isn't the devilish man that a lot of you appear to think that he is. Really, he is just a lazy person who has fallen back into a childish mentality for some reason and we are now in the process of addressing that and getting things back on track. We have had another talk again this evening, since I have had some more time to think about what happened yesterday and I've addressed some things that I didn't think I covered well enough when we spoke yesterday.

I fully believe that these issues here, while very furstrating & unfair for me, are not a reason to break up with him. Whilst this thread portrays him in a very negative light, it only really tells one side of the story (Mine, while I was angry & stressed) and doesn't really give an accurate portrayal of my boyfriend or our relationship so I don't really think the comments about our relationship being doomed to fail are really anywhere near accurate or fair. For his few downsides here, he has many lovely qualities as well.

I'm not making excuses for him, he's been lazy, childish and selfish and I'm still upset that it has taken getting to this point for him to realise what he has been doing.. but he definitely sees that now and has promised that he will make an effort to go back to how he used to be.

With regards to the £10 a month, that is the amount that I personally suggested. I don't care about the money, all I care about is that he shows me that he is willing to pay me back. Any amount of steady repayment, however small, is a sign to me that he appreciates that money. Furthermore, £10 a month to me means he can pay £90pcm to his mum instead and can also work on paying off his overdraft at the same time. As it happens, he has said that he would be happier paying me £50 a month, because then it will be paid off in a year. He has set that up today as a standing order, ditto for the payments to his mum.

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry if this has been covered (I've been skim reading) but do you have some kind of disability or illness and he still does nothing?

Nope, no disability or illness, I just have a bad back so dragging the hoover up the stairs, getting on hands & knees to hoover nooks and crannies and carrying heavy bins out to the front of the house can sometimes cause me pain. Therefore, OH offered to do them instead.

Also to answer your earlier questions, there's no way he is having an affair or is on drugs. He goes straight to work in the morning & comes straight home in the evening and we spend our weekends together. I'm sure he could have an affair if he desperately wanted to but, seeing as I have past experience of dating druggies, I'd notice if he was on anything! He took the loans purely to cover his side of the bills when his boss stopped paying him (Long story, but his boss was having financial difficulties & couldn't make payroll for quite a few months)

JoolzS

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I'm sorry if this reply seems snappy but I've had it with trying to 'chat' with him and not get angry. I've done that before. He's left me to deal with this all on my own and I'm flipping angry about it! He's an adult with a proper job and a house and a girlfriend and I'm sick of having to treat him like a coddled little child!

Maybe you do need to get angry. I've been with DH for over 20 years and every now and then I have to completely lose it for him to actually realise I'm serious about something. He tends to be very laid back and just doesn't notice stuff but after I've screamed at him (and on occasion thrown some stuff around) he takes notice.

I know people say that if you treat adults like a child they will act like a child - but I think the opposite. If they are already acting like a child, then treat them like one. Many years ago I "banned" my DH from driving for a year. He was getting close to being banned by the DVLA anyway and as he drives for a living I wanted him to see what being banned would really be like (excluding the loss of work). He had to cycle to work, to the shops, to visit family, etc - he now has a clean licence and has kept it that way for years.

Netwizard

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Right, I want to make this post as I'm going to step away from this thread now. I appreciate all the advice and support, even if some of the suggestions have been, IMO, a little bit over the top.

I tend to agree with the posters who have experience of this though and say he won't change. Well I truly hope it works out for you, I just know I personally couldn't put up with it, but we all have different opinions and expectations.

jenhug

There is no way I would buy a house with him while this situation carries on.
I would put money on him reverting back to this within months, if not weeks. Sorry. I don't think that makes him a bad person as such, but not the sort of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

Guest101

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Firstly, this might be a bit long so I'm sorry! I'm really frustrated with my partner and it's really getting me down.

Over the past few months, he has stopped doing any chores around the house. We have discussed it before and while he makes the right noises at the time and it will usually lead to a few days of trying to help, it never has a lasting impact.

I initially didn't mind doing the lions share of the chores because I was home more but it is starting to become too much work because as well as not doing chores, he is also incredibly messy! I'm not talking a bit of mess, I'm talking food all over the kitchen, paper and bits of stuff just left all over the house, lunchboxes just left to grow mold on them. So not only am I doing the chores, I'm also continuously cleaning up after him.
To make matters worse, he has only two chores that he has to do because I physically can't. He has to do the vacuuming and put the bins out once a week and he continuously forgets to do both of those.

I have tried to compromise and make things easier for him (Writing him lists of what I need him to do instead of just asking him, giving him set chores to do each week) but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

Anyway, today has been the last straw. We are currently in the process of moving house and our landlord is coming over today to show some prospective new tenants around. My partner has known about this for the past five days and while I've been rushing around trying to clean, he has made no effort at all. In fact, last night I asked him to do 5 things and he only half finished them! So I am now in the process of cleaning our entire house head to toe (It is really messy!) and I just want to cry

There is also the small matter of money.. Last year he had a problem with his job (His boss wasn't paying him) and as such, he had to borrow some money from me and some money from his mum. He borrowed roughly £600 from me and about £1000 from his mum. Shortly after he borrowed that money, he found a new job and has been earning a steady (And rather comfortable!) income for the past 9 months. However, he has made no effort to pay either of those debts off and, whilst I was initially understanding, both me and his mother are starting to lose patience. I really need that £600 as my savings are running out and he has known that I would need it for the past 6 months but when I asked him for it last month, he said he didn't have it

Also, he still has a £500 overdraft that he has yet to clear from when he was a student (He graduated 2 years ago!) which he still hasn't paid off. This September, this overdraft starts acruing interest and I am really worried that if he doesn't pay it off in time, he is going to end up ridiculously in debt.

Sorry, that was really long and a bit garbled! I'm just so frustrated. I feel like I'm living with a petulent teenager, not the grown man that I moved in with I really love him and other than these issues, we get along like a house on fire. I just need something to change.

If you know wht he's like, why are you surprised? Perhaps he didn't want to clean for your LL's benefit? (I know i wouldn't want toevery time they wanted to do a viewing, BUT i wouldn't let them do viewings anyway so there we go)

£500 isnt alot of debt.

Think you need to accept him or leave him, as it doesnt sound he'll change

jackieblack

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I'd like to go on the record here and now as saying that whilst I have been frustrated & upset with him recently and his behaviour has been inexcusable, he isn't the devilish man that a lot of you appear to think that he is. Really, he is just a lazy person who has fallen back into a childish mentality for some reason and we are now in the process of addressing that and getting things back on track. We have had another talk again this evening, since I have had some more time to think about what happened yesterday and I've addressed some things that I didn't think I covered well enough when we spoke yesterday.

Fair enough, but I'm sure you understand that people here can only post based on the information they are given.

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I fully believe that these issues here, while very furstrating & unfair for me, are not a reason to break up with him. Whilst this thread portrays him in a very negative light, it only really tells one side of the story (Mine, while I was angry & stressed) and doesn't really give an accurate portrayal of my boyfriend or our relationship so I don't really think the comments about our relationship being doomed to fail are really anywhere near accurate or fair. For his few downsides here, he has many lovely qualities as well.

If you only portray a negative side, that's all we can comment on.
If you don't think that's fair then maybe your posts should have been a little more balanced.

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I'm not making excuses for him, he's been lazy, childish and selfish and I'm still upset that it has taken getting to this point for him to realise what he has been doing.. but he definitely sees that now and has promised that he will make an effort to go back to how he used to be.

I hope it works out for you

paulineb_2

Well personally having thought about it a bit further, my gut feeling is you will end up staying with him because right now you aren't working and you're living on savings and when you move, unless you get a job pretty quickly he'll be paying the bulk of the bills.

And that means one way or another in the short term, you are dependant on him, which may mean you'll put up with more than you would if you were on an equal footing money wise.

Also, how can people comment on anything apart from the info you give. I never made a connection between him having an affair or being on drugs.

But there is no way on this earth I would want to be with someone who plays games every minute of his spare time, wont lift a finger to help in the house. And Im not someone who is anal about housework, far from it. But if I were living with someone who spent most of their day and night playing games, not lifting a finger to help me even though their contribution would take an hour a week tops plus owed me a few hundred quid at the same time, it might take time but I would wonder what on earth I was getting out of this.

And when you confront him about this he tries to turn it back on you by saying you are also at fault because you don't remind him to do the chores that hes supposed to do.

You aren't getting any emotional support and we all need that in a relationship.

If you were content with the way things were, you would never have posted this thread.