Lazy boyfriend!

where.do.i.stand

I think a real sit down with getting out all your issues might wake him up. If you allow him to get too comfortable you will just become a door mat and he will lose all respect and your never be able to get it back to how it was.

aileth

sassyblue wrote: »

The only solution is that all chores are done BEFORE the computer games are played on l think.

Agree agree agree!!! I am a bit of a gamer sometimes, and I know I can get carried away, so I do all the chores pre-tablet or pre-pc. It's much better as well because you haven't got anything niggling in the back of your mind.

Unfortunately, thinking like this seems to be not so easy for the OP's partner, nor was it easy for my own. He didn't even realise he could do this until I suggested it to him. :eek:

Edit: If he keeps forgetting the bins, why not get a chalkboard and write 'Bin day' on it in chalk somewhere obvious? It sounds a bit petty and daft but you'd be surprised how it works, especially for auto-pilot men

hoMEOWner

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Is he working in a career related to his degree?

I've been in a similar situation as my partner and I got together whilst he was in his second year at uni, the first 6 months I lived 300 miles away and the next 6 months only 100 miles till we finally moved in together after a year, we've been together 6 years and its been 4 since he left uni and he went through the same thing, didn't do much to help out with housework etc yet when he was still a student and the first few months after he loved cooking and just got on with the chores.

We're now 6 years on and yes sometimes i'll have to remind him to put the bins out and I'll occasionally pop in and say look when you get to a save point could you give me a hand etc.

There are things he doesn't do and things I don't, I am pants at doing dishes and he never changes the bed, its just little things but we work round them I make sure the bed is changed and he does the dishes.

Kind of! His degree was in animation and he currently works in web design/development. He does enjoy his job though, even if it wasn't what he wanted to go into when he was 18

I'm hopeful our situation will improve like yours, then! I'm definitely not lily-white in all of this, I'm pretty messy too (Artist, go figure!)
and I can't weed for toffee but I'm at least trying to keep the house clean, whereas I feel like my OH has somehow gone back to student mentality..?

sassyblue wrote: »

Same with most computer equipment IMO. You think you'll go on them for 5 mins and an hours gone before you know it, even i'm guilty of that on my ipad.

The only solution is that all chores are done BEFORE the computer games are played on l think.

If he's still unable to do that then you need to decide if you can carry on mummying him.

I think the idea of chores done before he goes on the computer could work. I wouldn't mind him going on the computer first if I could rely on him to then clean afterwards but I know once he's gaming that he'll be absorbed all evening.

skylight wrote: »

It does sound a bit harsh!

Men just don't notice when things need doing. (There are minor exceptions to the rule!) And his is comfortable at the moment with you doing all the housework while he gets to chill out after a hard day at work. And its been going on for months, so he has not become used to it. And sadly, its because they are slipping into the old stereotype roles, me Man, me work. You woman, you clean.

It really does go on and on. People (not just men) who are lazy and can't be bothered, do not end up changing who they are for someone else. You can help them along but you need to talk to him fast and tell him how you feel about it. How about setting a reminder alarm on his phone for the bins?

This is from someone who spent far too many years trying to cajole someone along, putting in so much effort, blood sweat and tears to make a relationship work - I put in so much effort, I ended up not being able to see when the relationship was over and was about 10yrs out! Because I so desperately wanted something back out of my "investment"!! So, I guess I am rather biased!

Talk to him. Sit him down quietly and tell him that this cannot continue and how you feel about it. Ask for his opinions as maybe he is feeling unhappy with the situation too. If you don't ask, then you won't know. And if nothing changes with either of you afterwards, you need to ask yourself what happens next.

I think an alarm on his phone could help with the bins and the hoovering.

I feel like it is my fault for being understanding when he was working a hard job before, so now he expects me to just let it slide because he's been at work all day. We are definiely sliding into stereotype teritory, which is really sad because we're both staunch feminists

I think he can change. I know he can change. I think he's just somehow got back into this student mentality and he can't see how childish he's being.

hoMEOWner

aileth wrote: »

Agree agree agree!!! I am a bit of a gamer sometimes, and I know I can get carried away, so I do all the chores pre-tablet or pre-pc. It's much better as well because you haven't got anything niggling in the back of your mind.

Unfortunately, thinking like this seems to be not so easy for the OP's partner, nor was it easy for my own. He didn't even realise he could do this until I suggested it to him. :eek:

Edit: If he keeps forgetting the bins, why not get a chalkboard and write 'Bin day' on it in chalk somewhere obvious? It sounds a bit petty and daft but you'd be surprised how it works, especially for auto-pilot men

I'm glad you posted this! Now when he says 'but I can't do that! I need to game first!' I can show him your post and say 'but look! Other gamers can do it, and so can you!'

But yes, I think the idea of not just gaming whenever he wants is going to be hard to get into his head. The idea about the chalk board is good too I tried writing lists before but if I could get a chalkboard by his computer, that might work.

warehouse

pigpen wrote: »

This is a common issue.. they start off being the model citizen then morph into a couch potato... and then a sloth.. before you know it you are living with a giant toddler!

skylight wrote: »

Then its something you will have to learn to live with. You can only decide if you love him enough to put up with this forever because from experience, lazy boyfriends turn into lazy husbands and they turn into lazy fathers, finally turning into bitter lazy ex-husbands.

If you cannot get this sorted soon, you need to have a long term think about your life.

CH27 wrote: »

Because you can't change his behaviour so you either learn to live with it or break up.

Mumsnet out in full force again.

Mojisola

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I don't want to leave him. We have worked hard at our relationship and I feel like our life is just really getting started.

Have you really both "worked hard" at the relationship?

Is your relationship more important to him than his gaming?

Bazey

Sounds like he's on a drugs and having an affair...or both.

Don't count on getting the money back. I'd leave now and become a lesbian before it gets out of control.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

Kind of! His degree was in animation and he currently works in web design/development. He does enjoy his job though, even if it wasn't what he wanted to go into when he was 18

I'm hopeful our situation will improve like yours, then! I'm definitely not lily-white in all of this, I'm pretty messy too (Artist, go figure!)
and I can't weed for toffee but I'm at least trying to keep the house clean, whereas I feel like my OH has somehow gone back to student mentality..?

Me too, half the time i've got my craft stuff spread out and when i'm in the middle of something i dont like to pack it all away.

He probably has got into a rut and a case of sitting a chatting about it will help but it'll take time.

6 years on we still do our own things playing the computer, crafts etc sharing out the chores yes occasionally I have to say oh could you do such and such sometimes he'll just do the dishes or put the bins out of his own accord.

aileth

Holy smokes does he actually say that he needs to game first when you ask him to do chores? Tell him if he does chores first then he won't have to put up with nagging when he's gaming!!!

CharlieRabbit01

aileth wrote: »

Holy smokes does he actually say that he needs to game first when you ask him to do chores? Tell him if he does chores first then he won't have to put up with nagging when he's gaming!!!

Of course he'll want to game first, who wants to do boring stuff first. I don't see anything wrong with doing the fun bit first as long as the boring stuff is done after.

I've certainly done the fun stuff then got up to do the dishes.