Lazy boyfriend!

hoMEOWner

aileth wrote: »

What distracts him so much that he 'forgets' to do the chores?

His computer He is a 'gamer' and will quite happily spend all evening & all weekend gaming away in his little 'man cave'.

ETA:

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

Have you considered that there may be an underlying reason for why this has suddenly happened?

Some men can be very secretive about things that are bothering them and the loved ones in their lives have to recognise those signs and see if there is a way to get their partner to speak up about what is bothering them.

How long have you been together?

May I also ask why you have had to "work hard" at your relationship?

I have considered it but I think it is just that he has now got out of the habit of doing his chores. I let things slide when he was working a long way away just before Christmas (It was a 4 hour round commute that involved 2 buses & 2 trains each way) and I think he just hasn't got back into his routine again since he got his new job.

I did ask if he was depressed & wanted to consider going to the doctors/getting some counselling when he was at his last job (It was a really miserable time for him) but he just said he wasn't interested and didn't feel depressed, just run down from commuting. Things should have picked up though, because his new job is great & barely involves a commute at all.

We have been together for roughly 3 years. We had to work hard at our relationship because the first 2 years were long distance.

Tiddlywinks

hoMEOWner wrote: »

His computer He is a 'gamer' and will quite happily spend all evening & all weekend gaming away in his little 'man cave'.

So, is it a hobby or has it moved to an addiction? Serious question.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

His computer He is a 'gamer' and will quite happily spend all evening & all weekend gaming away in his little 'man cave'.

In your partners defence, my own partner is a gamer and occasional I'll get out my PlayStation, once you get into a game time flies by with out you even realising it.

I've once started a game thinking I'll play for an hour then do the dishes nearly 6 hour later I'm still playing, this is down to the way they design games, you start progressing and you think I'll just do this bit, then the next bit as you might as well and you lose all sense of time.

Its not an excuse by a long shot but is a very good explanation for why people seem to spend hours on their games consoles.

hoMEOWner

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

So, is it a hobby or has it moved to an addiction? Serious question.

I would say it is bordering on an addiction. He uses it as a way to relax and if he doesn't have a chance to game, he will get stressed out.

CharlieRabbit01 wrote: »

In your partners defence, my own partner is a gamer and occasional I'll get out my PlayStation, once you get into a game time flies by with out you even realising it.

I've once started a game thinking I'll play for an hour then do the dishes nearly 6 hour later I'm still playing, this is down to the way they design games, you start progressing and you think I'll just do this bit, then the next bit as you might as well and you lose all sense of time.

Its not an excuse by a long shot but is a very good explanation for why people seem to spend hours on their games consoles.

I totally understand. I actually occasionally like gaming too sometimes but the problem is that it isn't just accidentally losing a couple of hours every now & again, it is every evening after work, every weekend.

He used to game with his dad & his younger brother a few times a week, which I thought was sweet (It was like their little male bonding time ) but now he just tends to game on his own.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

His computer He is a 'gamer' and will quite happily spend all evening & all weekend gaming away in his little 'man cave'.

ETA:


I have considered it but I think it is just that he has now got out of the habit of doing his chores. I let things slide when he was working a long way away just before Christmas (It was a 4 hour round commute that involved 2 buses & 2 trains each way) and I think he just hasn't got back into his routine again since he got his new job.

I did ask if he was depressed & wanted to consider going to the doctors/getting some counselling when he was at his last job (It was a really miserable time for him) but he just said he wasn't interested and didn't feel depressed, just run down from commuting. Things should have picked up though, because his new job is great & barely involves a commute at all.

We have been together for roughly 3 years. We had to work hard at our relationship because the first 2 years were long distance.

Is he working in a career related to his degree?

I've been in a similar situation as my partner and I got together whilst he was in his second year at uni, the first 6 months I lived 300 miles away and the next 6 months only 100 miles till we finally moved in together after a year, we've been together 6 years and its been 4 since he left uni and he went through the same thing, didn't do much to help out with housework etc yet when he was still a student and the first few months after he loved cooking and just got on with the chores.

We're now 6 years on and yes sometimes i'll have to remind him to put the bins out and I'll occasionally pop in and say look when you get to a save point could you give me a hand etc.

There are things he doesn't do and things I don't, I am pants at doing dishes and he never changes the bed, its just little things but we work round them I make sure the bed is changed and he does the dishes.

sassyblue

hoMEOWner wrote: »

His computer He is a 'gamer' and will quite happily spend all evening & all weekend gaming away in his little 'man cave'.

Same with most computer equipment IMO. You think you'll go on them for 5 mins and an hours gone before you know it, even i'm guilty of that on my ipad.

The only solution is that all chores are done BEFORE the computer games are played on l think.

If he's still unable to do that then you need to decide if you can carry on mummying him.

CH27

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I don't see why it is something I have to learn to live with, though. He never used to be like this so I don't understand why he can't go back to being the person I moved in with I know things sometimes slide a bit when you live with someone for a while but not this much!

I just don't understand it. It first started when he got a new temp. contract last November and I understood why he was sluggish at home, because he was commuting a ridiculous ammount. But I don't understand why he's still like it because he's been in a new job for 3 months now & it's really close to where we live, barely any commute at all.

Because you can't change his behaviour so you either learn to live with it or break up.

skylight

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I don't see why it is something I have to learn to live with, though. He never used to be like this so I don't understand why he can't go back to being the person I moved in with I know things sometimes slide a bit when you live with someone for a while but not this much!

I just don't understand it. It first started when he got a new temp. contract last November and I understood why he was sluggish at home, because he was commuting a ridiculous ammount. But I don't understand why he's still like it because he's been in a new job for 3 months now & it's really close to where we live, barely any commute at all.

It does sound a bit harsh!

Men just don't notice when things need doing. (There are minor exceptions to the rule!) And his is comfortable at the moment with you doing all the housework while he gets to chill out after a hard day at work. And its been going on for months, so he has become used to it. And sadly, its because they are slipping into the old stereotype roles, me Man, me work. You woman, you clean.

It really does go on and on. People (not just men) who are lazy and can't be bothered, do not end up changing who they are for someone else. You can help them along but you need to talk to him fast and tell him how you feel about it. How about setting a reminder alarm on his phone for the bins?

This is from someone who spent far too many years trying to cajole someone along, putting in so much effort, blood sweat and tears to make a relationship work - I put in so much effort, I ended up not being able to see when the relationship was over and was about 10yrs out! Because I so desperately wanted something back out of my "investment"!! So, I guess I am rather biased!

Talk to him. Sit him down quietly and tell him that this cannot continue and how you feel about it. Ask for his opinions as maybe he is feeling unhappy with the situation too. If you don't ask, then you won't know. And if nothing changes with either of you afterwards, you need to ask yourself what happens next.

CharlieRabbit01

hoMEOWner wrote: »

I totally understand. I actually occasionally like gaming too sometimes but the problem is that it isn't just accidentally losing a couple of hours every now & again, it is every evening after work, every weekend.

He used to game with his dad & his younger brother a few times a week, which I thought was sweet (It was like their little male bonding time ) but now he just tends to game on his own.

My OH did exactly the same thing in from work on the xbox next thing I know I'm telling him dinner is done and demanding he get off the thing and watch a film with me.

You need to work together with it I tried taking the cable he got pretty p'd off with me treating him like a child, we sat a talked about it, he didnt realise how much time he was spending on it so we agreed to a couple of evenings a week where he would make sure he was done by 9 to watch a movie and eventually he sort of weened himself off it.

How old is you OH if you dont mind me asking?

CharlieRabbit01

sassyblue wrote: »

Same with most computer equipment IMO. You think you'll go on them for 5 mins and an hours gone before you know it, even i'm guilty of that on my ipad.

The only solution is that all chores are done BEFORE the computer games are played on l think.

If he's still unable to do that then you need to decide if you can carry on mummying him.

Treating him like a child is not going to help.